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old soul · Sep 9, 2007, 01:08 PM

A girl I know (12years old) just found out her father is gay and she is having a horrable time with it. I am looking for information either in books or websites. I do not have direct contact with this girl but I am trying to help her mom. Can anyone help me?

ScottGem · Sep 9, 2007, 01:21 PM

Umm, I'm confused as to why she is having such a horrible time. I'm assuming this means the marriage is breaking up. Is that why? There must be loads of sites that give info to help children going through a divorce.

As to the father deciding to accept his sexual orientation, this has nothing to do with his children. And it should be impressed on them that it doesn't change that he is their father or how he feels about them. It simply means that he no longer wants to live a lie and wants to be true to himself. And that's a good example to present to kids.

shygrneyzs · Sep 9, 2007, 01:28 PM

I agree with Scott. AS for help, there are organizations out there, counseling through a clinic or mental health center, books, magazines, etc. Her Father being gay does not mean he does not love his daughter. It also does not mean his whole life was a big lie. It could well be her Father truly loved his wife and had all the best intentions with the marriage. We do not know. Of course, it could also be the opposite. What is important is that his daughter understands that he loves her.

Xrayman · Sep 9, 2007, 10:55 PM

The girl herself needs to tell you EXACTLY what is the problem with this issue FOR HER. Then we may be able to assist further.

LearningAsIGo · Sep 10, 2007, 07:51 AM

Sexual orientation does affect children that are not already aware of it... it can be quite a shock to a 12 year old. Not that its wrong to be gay, but a kid that age isn't emotionally prepared to deal with social concerns.

~A child that age will be confused (why am I here if Dad's gay? Why did he come out now? Did he ever love mom? Will I become gay? etc.)
~They might feel embarrassed (what will my friends think? Does he have a boyfriend? Will everyone know?)
~They may feel angry (Why did he lie to me? Doesn't he trust me? He hurt my feelings!)

I'm sure its quite an emotional experience to discover something that significant about a parent at such a young age. I would suggest a counselor to help her talk about the feelings she may be having. Over time, she'll accept this and come to a new understanding with him.

ScottGem · Sep 20, 2007, 07:24 AM

Comments on this post
old soul disagrees: The answerer focused on the father and the gay issue and not on the fact that a young woman was having a problem. The marriage was over long ago. 10 years at least. Maybe this is a question best answered by women or men who understand yuong women.

First, may I call your attention to the guidelines for using the comments feature found here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/feedba...ure-24951.html
You may not have liked my answer, but since it was opinion and not factually incorrect a negative comment was inappropriate.
And I did give my opinion on how to deal with the girl's issues. I said to explain it has nothing to do with her.

GlindaofOz · Sep 20, 2007, 07:34 AM

Oldsoul I think I can help.

I found out my father was gay when I was 12. It was quite a surprise. I didn't have a difficult time with it because to me sexual orientation is not a big deal but it was still strange to me that someone would hide who they were. Granted my situation was different because my father was not in my life so it wasn't something I had to readily deal with.

This young woman needs to remember that her father is still her father. He is probably scared that he is going to lose everyone in his life or that people won't understand him. What your friend needs to do is to talk to her father and tell him that she feels confused and that its hard to wrap yourself around something like this but that she still loves him.

Both of you are very young so you may not understand how difficult it is for people to "come out" (which is what they call it when a gay person tells people that he is gay). I don't know where you live but there are resources in every country every where for family and friends of lesbians and gays. If there is a counselor at your school I recommend your friend speak to them. I know they helped me immensely when I was that age.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 20, 2007, 09:08 AM

Yes it appears the poster is asking a vague question, and not getting a speicific answer.

If he does not know them that well, he would best stay out of it for one thing and allow them to find help with people they know better.
And the best thing is to have them get professional counseling if they are having an issue with this.

But what is the issue, does the 12 year old merely not want to see her dad any more, that would only be an issue to the father,