[80s_cool_chik]

Hi there, I have taken your advice Wildcat and looked online at the Lovetactic.com site. I have listened and read all the free advice, but I'm still not sure that my ex-relationship is salvageable.

My problem, or question is, how do you go about starting a friendship with an ex love that you are interested in "getting back"?

The last time we had any form of communication was about 2 months ago. He seemed interested in talking, or at least he said it was cool to hear from me again. Conversation stopped, and I went on a vacation for a month. Shortly after I came back, I sent him an email regarding a work-related question, but I got some generic message saying that he was out of the office. I never did get a response to that email, so I'm not sure whether he just didn't get it, or he's ignoring me. Any suggestions?

[Wildcat21]

Well, just pick up the phone and call. Keep it light - see how he was doing - NO RELATIONSHIP QUESTIONS - don't ask if he sees someone else. AND end the call first - you gain points that way - you're a busy gal. Leave en wanting more. Then call him again in a couple weeks - these things TAKE TIME. It's NOT easy.

THERE ARE LOTS of reason an e-mail might not be returned. Think of the positive ones.

Date other people and hopefully he finds out.

Improve YOURSELF - workout, work hard at work, hang with your friends etc. - make a great life.

Try to remember the lady he liked when you first met - that's the gal he likes - did you change?

ALSO -why did your relationship end?? Good terms? No cheating? Was anyone hurt? Whom broke with whom? No one was abusive?

[justbass]

Yeah, guess what, guys have fragile egos. It's not bad. It's not a sin. And we do not deserve to punished or ridiculed but it needs to noted and put in some type of book of facts.

This guy likes you. Not just likes you as a friend. I can already tell. If he had only friendly feelings towards you he'd right you back and the email would be joyous and buoyant. The fact that he sent you that and that to date (as far as I know) has not sent you anything back is proof.

Liking some one is painful. When he heard that you went on vacation it probably threatened him. Let me tell you what's it's like in his head.

"look at that. she happy and living her care free life. she's having a good time and meanwhile I'm suffering with my feelings for her."

It hurts, usually, unless you are mother tereesa, to see someone that you can not help but love, or still like, succeed. It hurts to watch them move on when you can't.

So there. I just untied your mystery. He likes you. Men. We are so obvious.

The question is, do you want to cater to his ego? As a guy I say do it because I want to see the guy when for once but you have to ask yourself that question.

You are probably going to have to be the one to do all the teeth pulling. You're going to have to be his mom basically.

Last thing, if you have inadvertently hurt his male fragile ego, then he may not be able to be consistently good to you because he can't get over his hurt.

You might want to find out if there is anything in yall's past that he's not sure he can forgive. You can try to help him. If you really want him you should (oh god, somewhere 10 feminists just exploded!) after all, if you like if, humble yourself, you be vulnerable, why shouldn't you?

But if he doesn't reciprocate then forget it.

[fredg]

Hi,
Use the phone; call him. Talk honestly with him; find out if he wants to get back with you.
It's the only way you will know for sure.
Or, you can keep playing games, and wondering!
Best of luck,
fredg

[shenda]

L I G stands for LET IT GO... you can not walk a straight line when the path is crooked, your motives going in the door are tainted and therefore you will rec'v the bitter portion of the relationship. You said, you did not think that the relationship was salvagable, the key word here is think which suggests that you accept this position based on circumstances; however, I endeavor for you to know, which implies an assurance of the facts facing you. You can never prosper in a relationship when you are acting shady... let me be your friend, when in fact, I want to be your lover. Let it be made known, I want to be your lover, in this position, the object of your affection will know that you are geniune, that which comes from the heart reaches the heart; however, when your motives are fake, they can be severely misunderstood which blows whatever chance you may have had; HOwever, one thing puzzles me, when did this urge to fight emerge, it is better to fight to stay together while in the relationship, then to let it dissolve and after the fact stir up the fight in you. If you allowed your pride to let him walk away, pretended that you did not care, you must come clean on those points, give him time for consideration; however, if you all he did was to cause you misery, lose the company, heal yourself and MOVE ON.

[Wildcat21]

I need answers on this. Please respond - HOW did you break?

[80s_cool_chik]

Hello again, and thank you for all your responses. I have mulling them over. There's a lot more to the story, which I should tell you...

We had dated, or for lack of a better term, been in a relationship for 3 and 1/2 years. We had our ups and downs, but for the most part we were intuned to each other. I had insecurities, and became very dependent on him for my happiness. My homelife was awful, and I would fight with him all the time if he couldn't make time for me when I needed him. Worse yet, I started to get the feeling that he would make more time for his friends than he did me, so that also triggered something in me. He initially asked for a "break" for at least a year so that he could spend time with his friends and focus on work. We would see each other on and off for another 2+ years, but it never went back to an official relationship. It seemed we would go in circles, where we'd have great communication, then begin to date, then we'd get physically intimate, and I would start asking to see him more and more, and he'd begin cancelling our dates, etc. I'd get upset, naturally, and we wouldend up not talking for weeks, sometimes months, until he'd apologize, or contact me.

The argument I was speaking about happened over a year ago. I suggested that we try to be friends before we became lovers. He agreed, but he said that it would be difficult since he'd have to put effort into it, and with his friends, he doesn't put effort, it just is what it is. We were discussing his new house one day and he asked me to "christan" it with him. That set me off, we argued, and he said that it was probably best to not talk for a while because we always end up at that point. This lead to a year of no contact.

Shortly after we initially broke up, I moved out on my own and realized how depressed I had been. I started therapy for my anxiety problems, joined a sports league, kept myself busy, met a lot of new people, dated a few guys, changed jobs, gone on several vacations, and can truly say that I am no longer "in love" with the ex, but, because he played a huge part in my life, and I felt that we did get along so well, I still care and love him enough to want to know that him and his family are doing OK. Which lead me to emailing him a short note telling him that I was sorry for the way things ended the last time that we spoke, and that it would be nice to hear from him sometime, anytime. He replied a week later. We bounced emails back and forth for a bit, and he sounded happy to hear from me. I asked him to see a movie, but he said he knew what kind of trouble it would lead us to. I know that he's been with someone for a year, so I told him that I respected him for that. I further asked whether it'd be best that we don't talk, but he said he still wanted to talk to me. I went on vacation for a month, and when I got back, I emailed him that question...

[Wildcat21]

This is a tough one since he is with another woman.

GOOD for you to keep busy and do other things - KEEP THAT UP FOREVER!!

All I can say is keep the contact open. Slowly. He did respond, so that's great. He probably played some tactics on his own by waiting to respond - but the response.

This WILL take a long time - a longggggggg time. Don't rush it.

Being needy-clingy and TOO available is bad for busy - it creates heart-ache. That's WHY you need other things in your life - always.

[80s_cool_chik]

Hi again, Wildcat, and thanks for your advice and replies.

Yes, I realize that it may take some time, like pulling teeth out one-by-one, heh. I am willing to be patient.

Hmmm, the observation you made about him pulling a tactic is kind of interesting. I suspect that a) he gave it much thought, maybe even discussed it with his g/f, and later emailed me back (although the email I sent wasn't one in which I asked him for a reply, but I opened the door by saying that I would love to hear from him sometime), or b) like you said, he's pulling said tactics on me, but if that was the case, why?? If he's happy in his relationship (and I'm not trying to analyze his relationship, but... ) he'd have no need to use these tactics.

[Wildcat21]

"like pulling teeth out one-by-one" - that's what it's going to be IF you choose this mission. You WILL have a lot of ups and downs I think. I won a gal back - but it was really hard - and you really have to love that person and want to make it work.

He would not have responded if he didn't have some feelings. He may have been caucious. Did you hurt him after the break?


The key here is not to act at all desperate or needy - and certainly not a stalker.

He may not be happy in his relationship - only 25% of all relationships are sucessful/happy - a low #.

You also may have to prove to him you have changed a little bit. Improved. Very important.

[letmeno]

For some reason or another I tend to believe that an ex is an ex for a reason.

I can't seem to get it out of my head that if a guy wants you he will pursue you. Call me old fashioned but I just don't believe that it should be you to initiate the whole thing.

If you want to get a feel for what is going on with him, call him as friends, don't even breath the word relationship, you will freak him out.

In my honest opinion, just to save you the heartache of rejection, my advice to you is move on. If you want to be friends, be friends but it seems as if he has moved on with his life and out of concern, I suggest you do the same.

[Wildcat21]

Doesn't have to be that way. But the person has to change. Your actions some how push them away - the usual culprits are needy-clingy, too much contact, too available, too nice and agreeable, doormats, etc.

Never be friends if you want them back.

No contact is key.

BUT, there can't be ANY cheating, abuse, etc. - AND you must truly love this person.