[carolinarain99]

(My apologies beforehand for such a long post!)

"Casey" and I dated as undergrads, and fell deeply in love with one another. I was sure that he was "the one," and, likewise, he expressed many times to me that I was "the one." We were amazing together, having great conversations, enjoying every moment together, rarely arguing, and having a truly honest relationship. I even spent a couple of summers living with he and his family, and even that never created arguments between us. Then, after graduation, I decided to enter a Ph.D. program across the country while he finished his degree back home; it was a difficult decision, but he was completely supportive of it and we vowed to stay together through it all.

A few months later, I became lonely so far away from him, began seeing other people, and broke up with him. Nonetheless, I still loved him deeply and it was a very difficult breakup for both of us. Now, it's been over four years, and I've loved him everyday since then. Likewise, he has never stopped loving me, and we still get along very well, albeit at the level of "friends" at this moment. I've never met anyone like him, and he's never met anyone like me. So, based on all of this, it surely would make sense that we get back together now that we've both reached a point in our lives where we're settled into stable positions and could feasibly live in the same town. Now for the kicker...

Some time after "Casey" and I broke up, I began dating "Jason." "Jason" was in the same program in school as I and, as a result, we began spending lots of time together. "Jason" filled the loneliness void once "Casey" was gone, and helped me bandage the wounds to my heart from loving "Casey" but not being able to be with "Casey." And, "Jason" very much NEEDED me... Soon, I became Jason's "everything," "someone he couldn't live without," etc (you get the picture). Eventually, "Jason" asked me to marry him, and I agreed, albeit reluctantly and with many doubts. "Jason" and I married about 6 months ago, and he is very happy. However, I find my relationship with Jason to be rich with problems (he has a large amount of debt; he is needy to the point of annoyance; he is hot tempered; although I have never cheated, he admits he doesn't fully trust me and thus I am not allowed to have male friends; he is sometimes paranoid; we are not religiously in sync). Having only been married 6 months, I feel it would be an embarrassment to get divorced, and I think such a thing would really ruin Jason. However, I can't help but feel like I will NEVER be optimally happy with Jason, and I have trouble fathoming a happy future with him. I don't know what to do.

Another problem point: Although he knows we're seriously involved, Casey doesn't know that Jason and I are married. I don't know why, but I could just never bring myself to tell him. However, he DESERVES to know this, and hence I plan to tell him. I guess I am just afraid, because I love him so and don't want to hurt him...

Any suggestions about what to do would be appreciated. I have no one to talk to, because most of my friends really like Jason and would think I crazy ever to leave him (my friends don't know the full story). Talking to Jason about Casey is not a possibility either; every time I mention Casey, Jason becomes enraged. :(

[kp2171]

My caveat. I'm irish and I'm blunt. I don't believe in arse kissing, so I'm probably going to say some things you don't like to hear. Just hear me out and then tell me where I'm wrong, right, etc. this is about hearing opinions from people who don't know the whole story and also who aren't blinded by being in the middle of it all. I'm not trying to be your buddy or your shoulder. I'm trying to judge your situation and what it all means.

..."Jason" very much NEEDED me...Soon, I became Jason's "everything," "someone he couldn't live without," etc (you get the picture). Eventually, "Jason" asked me to marry him, and I agreed, albeit reluctantly and with many doubts.

Mistake number one. You agreed to marry, with doubts and reservations... just don't act like a victim here. I know, its harsh to hear, but it's the truth. No matter how much he pressured you, YOU still took vows and agreed to be with this man. Saying you married with reservations is like saying you got pulled over drunk driving cause you forgot to wear your glasses. Its no excuse and a cop out. AND it might very well be the truth... its just big mistake number one. Just don't make it about him tricking or trapping you. You married a man without your whole heart in it. If anything, you trapped him. Or at least it's a tie. Smack your hand. Naughty girl.

Well... still its an important fact. You took vows you didn't believe fully. That's the reality, so its not hard to see that this marriage is in trouble.

...I find my relationship with Jason to be rich with problems ...he has a large amount of debt; he is needy to the point of annoyance; he is hot tempered; although I have never cheated, he admits he doesn't fully trust me and thus I am not allowed to have male friends; he is sometimes paranoid; we are not religiously in sync

Some "good" reasons to be unhappy. The neediness, sounds like it was acceptable before cause you needed the attention. The best relationships are those where each side is strong independently. So you get some sympathy here, but just a little... I mean, if fawning over you was good enough for you when dating, its hard to see how he's supposed to know that its suddenly bad now that you took vows. He was conditioned to throw all his attention at you because it worked.

Not being on the same page financially is bad. Not all debt is bad, but you don't explain. Sometimes it takes time for partners to talk out the financial side. Takes work and communication.

Hot tempered. Uh... well, I'm irish so I can't say a lot here. ;) blowups for no reason aren't good, generally speaking.

Jealously and not being "allowed" to have male friends... that's unfortunate. My wife has several male friends who she can go out with whenever she wants and I don't think twice about it. Some here disagree with me, but I think friendships with the opposite sex, when married, can be healthy for the relationship and for you personally. Maybe he senses you just aren't in the relationship with your heart and that breeds the anxiety. Or maybe he's just wired that way.

And his marrying a person he doesn't "fully" trust? Well, unless you gave him reason (married with reservations?), that's his marriage mistake. Of course the marriage didn't cause it, but just as you made a dumb move by marrying reluctantly, he shouldve been more grounded too. Not good.

Being out of synch religiously can be tolerable or not. That's for you to decide.

As for not being straight up with the ex... you know why you aren't. You don't want to lose him.

So... are you willing to lose everything? The man you can't be with and the man you want to be with.

Normally id say do the work to save a marriage. Get some help. Both of you have serious issues to deal with. But it sounds like you've pretty much all but left the marriage. You don't say your husband is a good guy... you only give a laundry list of problems. Id hate to live with a spouse who thought so ill of me. He's "happy" cause he's blind or ignorant of your feelings. Or he's willing to live with someone wholl tolerate him. Some people love the idea of being married more than they love the spouse.

So... what to do? I think your husband deserves the chance to be genuinely happy. And it seems like that's just not going to happen with you. Yes, it would be embarrassing and crushing to call the marriage dead after so short a time. On the other hand, why waste another minute of his life? You don't love him, it seems, and you are just looking for a way to cleanly get out, right? I mean, if he came up to you and said that this was a mistake and would you want to split up, it would be a done deal. Right? If he offered you an "out" you would be gone and fast.

So you've already left the marriage.

As for the ex... if you can't be honest with "the one" true love of your life, then I don't know what to say, other than don't start another relationship (including further contact) grounded in deceit. He deserves the truth and the chance to make choices based on reality.

Look, you aren't an evil person, no matter how harsh my comments are. But you've put yourself here and now you need to get yourself out... either by committing to your vows or by ending a marriage that won't last without that commitment. Its going to be ugly, and you just have to accept that this is the mess you have to get through to get to a better place.

[GlindaofOz]

If you are miserable in this relationship then you need to get out. I also think that you need to get some counseling to figure out why it is so important for you to be needed.

I do not recommend that you jump back into a relationship with Casey. You need to come clean. Its not fair to him.

You need to work on yourself. The fact that married someone who you were reluctant to says that you either said yes because hey he asked or because you love being someone's' everything until it becomes annoying.

You attract in this world what you put out. I would hate to see you continue in this cycle its not healthy or good for you. Kp is right this is going to be a long hard road but you need to do down it. With all that being said I hope you come out on top in this situation. I really do.