[one_life]

Hello. I'm new to this forum. Well my situations goes like this, my ex girlfriend broke off the relationship of two years. Its been three months since the breakup. Well the first month I kind of had some sort of contact with her through calls, e-mails. Then I decieded to go the NC way because it has been painful to stay in touch(she would get uncomfortable every time we talked). We work at the same place and I've made it a habit of just saying hello and that is it. Most times I don't see her there because we work in different departments and different shifts. One thing that is bothering me is that she removed me from her msn messenger contact list just in the last month of our three month breakup.

During the breakup she said she did not want to lose me as a friend. She also said that right after the breakup we could not be close and to give it time to heal. That is also why I started NC with her. I need advise to how to approch this, do I email her asking her why she removed me from her contact list in msn. During our relationship I know she kept in touch with her ex through msn because she told me. She never deleted him, but why would she delete me.

What should I do?

[Wildcat21]

I think you already did too much damage by contacting this woman.

This is going to be difficult - leave this woman ALONE for a long time. Don't even say hi to her. See you come across as desperate and needy - YUCK! Woman can smell that a mile away.

"During the breakup she said she did not want to lose me as a friend." - womanese for being nice.

"do I email her asking her why she removed me from her contact list in msn" - NO!! She remove you because I am sure you've been a pest.

I don't think you've started any No COntact with her. I bet you've contacted her this week.

See - you need to learn about woman - woman don't want a needy-clingy - desperate guy. I am sure you annoyed the hell out her at the end with constant calls and e-mails - and you guys work together.

Leave this woman entirely alone for THREE months. You need to change.

See - guys get hurt when they place woman a head of themselves - place them on a pedestal. Heartache is avoidable - you NEED other things I nyour life - work, school, FRIENDS, workout, family, hobbies, rligion. She is only a small part of your life.

See - you're still chasing her. That which is chased RUNS!! Always!

[Wildcat21]

IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don’t let on how excited you’ve become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

[Wildcat21]

But when you start dating a woman that you really LIKE, your fear of abandonment and your need for approval kick in. What you want more than anything is for her to like you, to like you as much as you like her. What you fear the most is that you may disappoint or upset her somehow so that she won't want to be with you. So you cater to her whims and you don't set healthy boundaries. To you Psych majors, he always lets her get her way.
The irony is that all these things that you do to get her to like you and to try to insure that she won't leave you are actually the very things that make her withdraw from you. Unfortunately, either out of denial or ignorance, you keep repeating the same behavior with each new woman that you like.
So what's the way out of this trap? Awareness and insight are the first steps, which are what I'm providing you with now.
Next, you must have a fierce determination to do whatever it takes, however uncomfortable, to clean up your act.
Remember, guys: when you like her a lot, act like you don't.
Put yourself first. Women like pricks a lot better than nice guys.
ATTENTION, UNDERSTANDING, ACCEPTANCE, APPRECIATION, and AFFECTION.

Regarding the function you invited her to, you don't ever ask a girl if she "wants" to do something -- you just ask her if she can make it.


What you really want is to know how to get a girl to fall in love with you, so she'll settle down and be your girlfriend, right? All this bit about, "she loves me, she loves me not" stuff, or "does she really like me" is just a weak attempt to bolster our confidence. The best way to get her head over heels for you is to act like you can take it or leave it. You want to show interest in the girl, but not act like you're dependent upon her liking you back. If she senses that you need her to like you, she'll like you less right away... and it only continues to go downhill from there. The best way to play this thing is simply to proceed on the assumption that she DOES like you, until she actually turns you away in some act of rejection. And when THAT happens, you simply back off for a spell and DON'T show any signs of being fazed by it. Take somebody else out for awhile, and then after a little time has gone by call #1 girl up out of the blue and just act like nothing has ever happened. When she senses that you enjoy her company but are not DEPENDENT upon her attention or reciprocation of feelings, her feelings for you will begin to grow stronger. A girl's feelings can be up and down like the ocean waves. Don't gauge your approach on what whimsical emotion she may be feeling at some particular moment. Be steady.

[fredg]

Hi,
You said it yourself, you and she broke up.
Now, why are you wondering why she is doing certain things?
I would take your name off MSN, too, and any others I wanted to!
If you want to get back together, then talk with her, face to face. If not, then don't worry about the "little stuff"; treat her as an employee; nothing else.
Best of luck,
fredg

[one_life]

I think you already did too much damage by contacting this woman.

This is going to be difficult - leave this woman ALONE for a long time. Don't even say hi to her. See you come across as desperate and needy - YUCK! Woman can smell that a mile away.

"During the breakup she said she did not want to lose me as a friend." - womanese for being nice.

"do I email her asking her why she removed me from her contact list in msn" - NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She remove you because I am sure you've been a pest.

I don't think you've started any No COntact with her. I bet you've contacted her this week.

See - you need to learn about woman - woman don't want a needy-clingy - desperate guy. I am sure you annoyed the hell out her at the end with constant calls and e-mails - and you guys work together.

Leave this woman entirely alone for THREE months. You need to change.

See - guys get hurt when they place woman a head of themselves - place them on a pedestal. Heartache is avoidable - you NEED other things i nyour life - work, school, FRIENDS, workout, family, hobbies, rligion. She is only a small part of your life.

See - you're still chasing her. That which is chased RUNS!!!! Always!

You got everything wrong bud. I bearly contacted her since the first month of our breakup. I'm the one who initiated the no contact. She tried to call me a few times since the No contacted started, but I always said I was busy and I'd call her back but, I never did. The same thing goes with MSN, she IM me, and I just brushed off her there too. As for work, if she says hi, the natural thing to do is to say hi back (we are adults here and not children). Also we bearly see each other at work. (mostly because I try to avoid seeing her).

I just wanted to know what should I do about her deleting me from her MSN messenger contact list. Should I just ignore it? Don't say anything about it. I'm just curious why she did that.

Maybe this NC thing is working against me. She is the type where she can't stand being ignored. Maybe she thought I'd chase her and she is not getting that from me. Wildcat there are women who crave the chase. Why do you think some women play hard to get.

Anyway let me get some more input. Later

[justjamestx]

Communication!! My suggestion is to just talk to her and see how the conversation goes now, perhaps enough time as passed to begin a friendship. Just don't rush into anything or get your hopes up, just casual talk and if the conversation goes well then just ask her, if the converstation goes no where just let lie. I realize this is easy to suggest and perhaps difficult to do. The bottom line, I say do what you feel like is best,, of you really want to know then ask. You may not hear what you want,, or perhaps your right and she feels that she is being ignored, just talk and let it go where it goes.

Good Luck!

[Wildcat21]

No James - she asked for SPACE. Him talking wit hher now will just ruining it. This isn't a fantasy world where just "Oh if I only told her how I felt" - YUCK! Woman hate this.

He has probably already blabed his true feelings too early already.

She asked for space - he has to give it.

[justjamestx]

Wildcat,

Usually I agree with you approach on keeping distanct and not contacting, but in this case I just see it as a little different. First they dated for two years,, problably not the case of "she was feeling smootherd after two months". Second One_Life mentioned that she is not one that enjoys feeling ignored. I do not know all the details of the story, nor will I assume that I do. But after a two year relationship and no contact for two months, I would believe that two adults should be able to sit down and determine what is going on. There is so little information to always assume that you never contact them,, sorry I just don't agree. I think there is a point in time in which communication is OK. I am not saying pour your heart out beg the girl to return,, not at all, but what I am staying is after two months if you have a concern, then begin a conversation on small talk and ask some question on what may be bothering you.

The only person that could really know the answer is One_Life, for it is only he that knows the whole situation and who this girl is and her attitude. We as guys are all different, and all girls are different. Sure there are some similarities in which so many relationships books and websites strive for tatics and advice. Even when I read those books or view the websites, I do not believe they are rules written in stone, rather a guide to assist in the relationship game. They are based on the statistical average woman and man and the relationships in which they are involved, but they are not a conclusive set of tools to apply to every situation without fault.

[fredg]

Wow!
fredg

[shenda]

Let's be honest here, your NC rule was violated by you, otherwise, you would not have known that she deleted you. So, it is vital for you to gain a true handle on your position. If you are done with the relationship, heart, body and soul, it should not matter, one way or the other; However, I understand this point, she remained friends with her ex, why not you. There are too many reasons behind this, some women find that their love interest are better as friends, some people have great friendships valued above romantic interests, they are better suited this way; however, some remain in contact with an ex, in hopes to rekindle the fiery flames of passion. However, these are mere conjectures, to know, you must contact the source. If you choose not to boldly make your request known, let it leave you. Do not cloud your mind with something deemed unimportant to you. For if it beared any resemblance of importance, you would venture to seek an assured answer. Above all, be honest and dec'v not yourself... I am asking you to go beyond the fleeting emotions you are experiencing at this moment. I want you to identify the source of these emotions. Sometimes, we know that to move on is our best option; however, we play mind games with ourselves, masking the root with superficial imaginations. Such as, the fact that you are deleted from her IM account, why does that bother you. Is it because you do not want to be completely out of her life, you desire for the two of you to share something, if not a full blown relationship. I want you to know, why this bothers you, are you comparing the relationship you had with her, to her previous encounter, if so, bad move. YOu are not them and they are not you.
Know for certain, why you are bothered by this, attack that and leave all else alone.

[one_life]

justjamestx, now that is reasonable talk and you did not make assumptions. You said it, every relationship is a unique one. Can't paint them all with one brush.

shenda, I haven't violated anything. I come across it while looking through my msn messenger. It is like going into your own home and finding an item missing. It is only human to feel kind of downed by it. I don't compare myself to her ex and I know I was better then he will ever be (sorry to sound concided) I don't know why she did it and I won't pretend to know. It is true in what you say, the relationship is over and why should it matter. I just needed advise and I got it. Why give a flying rat's about it (excuse my language).

[letmeno]

When a woman asks for space... she usually means it. Women are so complex that is almost impossible to try and figure us out. She could have taken you off her messenger because it hurts her to think about you or she could have removed it because she absolutely does not want a thing to do with you. That could go either way. I would be curious as to know why she deleted it also, but in the same sense, I would not let that rule my life.
I don't feel that you violated anything, I go through my guy's pockets before I wash clothes. My philosopy is, if you don't want me to find it, don't bring it under my roof.
I am in a relationship of 4 years, if I found out my guy was keeping in contact with his ex, he would be my ex. An ex is an ex for a reason.
It's normal to be curious about it but then again, some questions are better left unanswered.

[Wildcat21]

Space can mean a lot of things with woman...

It's an interesting pharse...

It could mean:

1. Your coming on too strong, back off - I need time - fix your head in this

2. I am seeing someone else also so I don't have that much time for you - but you may be still in the ball game

3. Just give me sometime

4. Get lost

5. You don't GIVE ME time to 'miss you', reflect about you, think about you, wonder, no mystery, no challenge

[Chery]

I'm a woman, so let me explain what 'space' means to me...


No couple has exactly the same interests in life, and I need time for my interests, hobies, and friends.

I need the chance to be by myself and reflect on whether I'd be willing to compromise for you or anyone else, depending on how much I had to give up for this particular relationship.

You put your views and needs ahead of mine when together - get that from your Mom, she's used to it.

My opinions don't sink in when you wear blinders and I'm tired to trying to remove them for you.

If the only place you feel content with me is in the bedroom, may I suggest you 'hire' a woman.

I can count the compliments I received from you on one hand, but criticism came free and flowing.

When I was not feeling well, did you bother to ask if I needed anything, or get me cold medicine, aspirins, etc on your own without me having to ask? Or did you say Oh, sorry, you feel sick, I'm going to the gym and/or a friends house for a while, see you...

If any man can relate to the above, then they are one step further in understanding women and the 'space' they need. Sometimes that space is not really wanted, but needed before we women say something that will offend you gentlemen.

Don't get me wrong, I love men, but I am also at the age where I 'have to say it' and if you can take it, good, if not, - Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

As for staying friend with past lovers, that statistically rarely works out, so leave it be and go on with your lives - it's too darned short to dwell.

[one_life]

when a woman asks for space....she usually means it. Women are so complex that is almost impossible to try and figure us out.

I am in a relationship of 4 years, if I found out my guy was keeping in contact with his ex, he would be my ex. an ex is an ex for a reason.
it's normal to be curious about it but then again, some questions are better left unanswered.

It is easy to say I can't be with someone who keeps in touch with an ex. I know many men who's girls still keep in touch with their ex. If we men say anything about it, we are automatically accused of being the jelous type and a control freak. I know men who have been dumped over this exact issue. Tell us how we are suppose to handle that. Maybe you're not the type to keep in touch with an ex boyfriend, but many women do.

[Chery]

It should not be an issue if both agree to stay friends and can live with the circumstances of the separation. But from my experience during the ages of at least 17-25 there is a thing called 'green eyed monster' which pops up through insecurity from within. Once you are secure enough, it will go away and you can feel comfortable with your ex's. Jealousy and Ego problems override common sense and can counter-act any 'good intentions', no matter how strong. In order to survive we should ban jealousy and work harder on self-assurance. I think that's the key.

[s_cianci]

Do likewise and delete her from your msn contacts list. Maintain NC just like you say. In the future, don't even say hello. Pretend that she doesn't exist anymore, like she's disappeared from the face of the earth. If she then starts to chase you and confront you as to why you've avoided her, just give her a vauge response such as "I don't know ; I've just been very busy lately." She may decide that she wants to start spending time with you again. If so, then it's on your terms and at your conveinience. You're in the driver's seat. When things don't go your way, then it's "so-long sweetheart." She doesn't do the breaking up, you do. Get the picture?