[ConfusedandLost]

Here is my situation... about 9 months ago I was just getiing over a pretty bad relationship that had just ended about 2 months prior. To be honest with you I was just sitting in a bar with my friends and just wanted to drink and forget about everything and anything. Then enters Megan (we will call her that, not really her name), she is a person that I knew of and had a chance to meet a few times in the past. I always thought she was pretty and all but never considered a relationship. Anyway we talk and have fun that night and she asks for my number, just to call when she and her friends go out next time to invite me to come along. She calls here and there just to say "hi" and finally asks if I would like to join them for an outing about a month later.

I accept, we have soooo much fun together. The outing ended at around 4:00am and she ends up spending the night. I will admit during the first month of our relationship I really wasn't sure if I wanted to be with her or anyone. Then one day I thought to myself "I have this wonderful, beautiful woman that wants to be with me, what the hell is wrong with me". So I apologized for how I was treating her and we became a couple. The relationship was very intimate and physical for the first 7 or so months. After 3 months she had told me that she loves me more than I could ever know and wants to move in , have my kids and get married. I knew for sure that I loved her by then but wanted to make sure everything was right prior to making such a big step. So we kind of had some bickering due to us not seeing each other enough, and she wanted to move in to solve that. However I wanted to make sure that her 4yr old daughter got along with me before that and wanted to figure out some sort of living arrangement since I was in a 1 bedroom with 6 months to go on the lease. Everything is going great, we love each others company. Our sex life is phenominal, everything looks like it's headed down the right path. I start looking for a ring, I find the perfect one about 2 months ago.

Right at around that time I started to see changes: we would go from seeing each other 2-3 times a week to 1 time or 1 time every other week. We would never make plans for next week, tomorrow etc, she would just show up at my place whenever. She would cancel on me more often... which threw a damper on my poping the question. We talk about it and she says she is sorry its just that her job becomes more stressful during August. During this I proposed to her and she says yes! Well not so good... about 2 weeks ago she says she wants to take a "break" from us. She says she is stressed over work, us, her daughter and her friends. She is trying to juggle all of them but just can't anymore. She is not sure if she is ready to be engaged and is scared. She is hurt that I think that we don't spend enough time together even though she gives me every minute she can. She thinks I am a different person around her friends. Yes I tend to be a bit quiet around them since I think that they do not approve of her and I together. She needs time to get her life back in order and think about things and find a way to make everyone happy... whatever that may be.

The day after the "break" she calls and texts just to say hi and talk about her day and to tell me how much she misses me. She has been doing this for the past 2 weeks. I have only initiated contact 2 times when she has many, many more. In fact she had called and said why don't you call, write or text anymore. I told her I am giving her the space she asked for. She says "i love you, i miss you" on a regular basis. Now it has been 3 days with no contact, rightfully so... she is camping with her family... I imagine there is no service out there. So I text "i love you"...

My question is: why a break? Does this sound like it is sincere? What should I do during this break, so I don't end up pushing her farther away? I love her and don't want to lose her... I need help...

Sorry, here is some more info that may help... we have been together 9 months, she is 24 and I am 33.

[Chery]

Sounds like two scared and normal people to me. Luke-warm feet both of you..

Sorry, one arm in a cast right now.

Don't read too much into it. Ask her what she is scared of and reassure her - that way you will get her reassurance too.

Good luck and keep us posted

nothing in life is straight and simple - that would be boring

[mckenzie134]

Space is the key here, Nothing you can do... Wait it out the more you leave her the more she will want to come back... No more I"I love Yous" Leave it for now enjoy your time apart you never no who may be next to walk into the bar!! Don't wait for her move on and the sooner you do this the sooner she will return to your life and you can make a decision from there...

[talaniman]

You left one relationship and jumped into another and 9 months later, your ready for the rest of your life, and then crash and burn. Too much to fast. The lust is gone so what's left??

[GlindaofOz]

It sounds to me as if you both barreled into this relationship with reckless abandon.

3 months into your moving in together? That seems mighty fast to me. At 3 months you are still getting to know the person. This whole thing sounds really rushed to me and I'm concerned that you do not see that. I think that she sort of woke up inside of your relationship and went whoa, this is going way too fast.

Give her the space she needs. Maybe you should do some thinking during this time and really think how well do you know her are you absolutely certain you want to marry her?

[ConfusedandLost]

GlindaofOz,
Thank you for your answer... we did not move in together after three months... that was what she wanted and asked all of the time. At that point I was still on the fence and wanted to make sure everything was right. We still have not moved in together...

Yes, I do believe that we have moved a bit fast... however with her always asking when are we going to get married? When can we live together? I can't wait till we have a family? Questions endlessly during the 3-6 month period of our relationship... I felt that that was what she really wanted as did I. When she did get what she wanted reality came to her and said what do I do now?

During this break I have also realized that she and I have a maturity difference. She will put her friends before me in any if not all situations due to the fear of losing them if she says "I already have plans with my boyfriend, call me next time". She is under the illusion that her friends will resent her and will have nothing to do with her in the future. To me those would not be friends and to a point they are being very selfish.

Without a doubt I believe she loves me, but she is confused and sends way too many mixed signals. I know what I want and who I want to do it with... she knows who she wants to be with but has no idea what she wants. She has broken contact for the past 5 days now... I will be patient and give her the space she needs. Time and patience... right now I am trying to figure out how much is needed before I feel like it is all in vain.

[talaniman]

Many people feel they want something so bad, they try to get it without being thoughtful and careful. Knowing your partner really well, and being mature enough to know the work involved, is a time consuming process and this break is good for you both to reflect, on your recent actions and feelings without the stars in your eyes.

[ConfusedandLost]

talaniman,
Yes you are right... right now I am at ease about this whole "break". I have really learned a lot about myself and her over the past 2.5 weeks. She needs her S P A C E, plain and simple. Of course when that was first brought up I got worried and felt that it meant a break and I was always around in her space. Really setting the foundation for exactly what I was trying to prevent. No chasing, nothing... she is on her own and it feels kind of good. I know she will come back at some point, but like all of you said backing off is the best action. Thank You...

[ConfusedandLost]

All right so here is an update on this situation... on Friday the two of us were to travel to my neice's 5th birthday party and stay with my sister over the weekend. She had broken plans to do that about 4 days before the "break". In fact she has said "god I'm such a bad girlfriend" in front of her friends... not a big deal to me.

Anyway Friday I posted a simple blog on my myspace site apologizing to "our" friends if any of this was interfering with them and asked for them to please stay out of this. I also apologized to her for smothering her and being on the needy side which may or may not have caused the break.

She sends me a text saying she is so sorry for taking me away from my friends and good luck with this random girl that posted a simple comment on my site. We bicker back and forth regarding specific people that she thinks I have something going on with that post a simple "hi" or "have a fantastic day" comments. So I question her about the comments that she gets from some specific guys a month ago "You are the most incredible woman I have ever met" or "we should go out for drinks sometime". All of which I never questioned until now. She says "see you are trying to put this on me now", I was only trying to state a fact and told her I never brought any of that up when I saw them because I love and trust her. We bicker more... she then goes into Myspace and removes me as a friend... a complete juvenile move, I'm not even sure if it qualifies as a high school action.

By now I have had it... I tell her she has obviously has made her decision and I would like to make arrangements and a time and place for exchanging her and her daughters items for the engagement ring, the keys to my place and the gas card, I also had a birthday gift for her daughter that I would like to give her and told her to tell her daughter that I love her and will miss her. She does not even acknowlege it and goes into the next round of questions. I ask again and it was avoided... so I asked what did I do that was so wrong... no answer. She says she wants her space for right now... so I end it with "Image you being me for 5 minutes, the woman you love suddenly stops talking to you for no real reason, she is hot and cold, and all you want to do is ensure that she knows that you will be there and love her unconditionally"... I have not heard from her since.

Now if she really wanted to end it, she would have taken that door when I gave it to her? She is clearly "lost"... I have resolved not to do any type of contact since then and have stuck to it. This is just crazy... I imagine it will be some time before she initiates contact if she even does...

[ConfusedandLost]

Is this a game she is playing?? 6 days ago she sends me a text out of the blue asking "do you miss me?"... I responded with "of course I do". We text back and forth a bit about what has been going on. I asked if we could get together face to face and talk through this... she says now is not a good time, there is a lot weighing on her now and her father is in the hospital (it is a serious condition). So I apologize and back off and also wish the best for her father. She says "everything is wrong, nothing will ever be right....I feel like I have made a mess and don't know how to fix it". I asked what was wrong and offered help. She says "trust me I have been unfair to you and I do not deserve your love". I sent a final text saying that love is unconditional and that I wished that her and I could work this out. I never got a response...

Then today 6 days later I get a text out of the blue again saying "did you throw away all of my stuff in your apt?" I responded with "no, why would I". She responded with "I don't know just curious"... nothing since then at 12:30pm.

... I have been doing the NC thing for some time now, why is she doing this... what is this accomplishing for her? She still has the engagement ring and never came out and ended this... she only asked for a break 3.5 weeks ago... I am sooo frustated!!

[talaniman]

Stop waiting for her to come out of her confusion, and go about making sure your life is in order. When you are healthy and objective, and figured out your own life path, you can then see what she is about, and know if she is still stuck, or ready for what you want. If not..?

[Chery]

This seams to me like she is playing a game. As in any game, it's not finished until the winner is declared. So.. how about ending this game by asking her to give back the engagement ring and whatever else she has, and demand a clean break.

You probably feel this is what the conclusion or 'closure' will be so why prolong it.

The sooner you know how to plan from square one, the sooner you can heal and start a new life.

Nobody is worth so much torment and confusion - they are just being plain unfair.

Good luck, and keep us updated.

[ConfusedandLost]

UPDATE: The game is finally over I have not made any contact with her for quite some time now. Just yesterday at around 7;00pm I get a random text from her "do you hate me now?". I waited about 10 minutes and responded with "I don't answer ridiculous questions, what do you think?" and followed it with "I'm tired of all of this, what is going on?". So I get an 11 part text next... Apparently 2 month's into our relationship she called her ex to see how things were. He persisted on wanting to see her so since January she has been seeing him 2 days a week (Tue and Sun), which explains why she was never available on Tue and whe she spent the weekend she would always have to leave by 11:00am. So she spent this "time" together with him to see if he truly has changed. Well by July she say the changes that he had to make... he then convinced her to leave me even though she was "in love" with me. She was "in love" with two people... she saw more of him and realized that she wanted to be with him and decided to take a break from me. Well as luck would have it he does not want anything to do with her since she strung him along for the past 8 months with me. She is now totally focusing on getting him back and ruining the relationship he has moved on with. It's funny in a way I guess... she did the same thing to me as he did to her, lying and cheating is why she left him in the first place... and what does she do that same thing. I wish her well in her pursuit of the "maybe" and told her he put on a good show for her and he may have changed now... but he will go back to his old ways once he gets comfortable with her again, assuming they get back together.

Now I'm trying to get back the keys to my place, credit card and engagement ring, a subject that she is avoiding right now. I have no doubts that she will be back within 3 months... I will have moved on by then... thank you all for your help and support!

[Chery]

Dear Confused... this is what usually happens and I'm glad that you realized soon enough that she was just playing games with you. She will need to grow up.. but that's not your problem. She is feeling the pain that she distributed around her and will have to deal with it.

So.. now get back to healing yourself, keep a journal of all your pain, anger, and what you did to remedy and overcome all of this. Be careful and don't jump into another 'relationship' right away, be fair to the other girls and don't dump any baggage into their laps. Work on yourself a bit more until you can stand 'alone'. That way, you'll be sure that it really over.. FOR YOU!
Then, and only then, is it safe to start with someone new.

Congratulations!

P.S. That does not mean you have to go away.. stay with us and 'talk' to us now and then.. OK?

Applause.. for another survivor.

[ConfusedandLost]

Chery,
Thank you for that advice I am going to try that! As for going away from here... no way! This place is the best! I have learned so much about myself and relationships during this... I want to share any and all that I have that may help that next "victim"... once again Thank You All!!

[Chery]

Lots and Lots of HUGS.

I'm sure that we can all benefit with you staying on.

C.U.on the forum.