[Sincere1]

This is a little awkward. I have never shared my sexual fantasies with ANYONE as I think (well, I know) they are inappropriate in nature. Is it unhealthy to have such fantasies... should I get help? I would never actually fulfill these thoughts in reality. It just troubles me some that I do think of them and need them (to climax). Do 'normal' people have these thoughts? I'm in my 30's and have always had these 'fantasies'. I would sincerely appreciate any feedback.

[Skell]

What are your fantasies?

I think fantasies are healthy. Just so long that if they are against the law or could hurt someone that you leave them simply as fantasies.

We get lots of questions here about people with different fantasies.

I remember one guy liked to fantasize that he was really small and his partner was a giant. Weird? Yes. Dangerous and hurtful? No!!

I am intrigued though to know what it is that you fantasize about.

[Sincere1]

Well, uhmmm... if it's nasty, it's in my mind. Honestly, I'm ashamed of these thoughts... but the anonymity of this site will allow me to list them... My sexual fantasies are always demeaning in some way, involve rape, incest, bestiality, violence. I don't know why, but when I'm aroused, these things pop into my head. Like I mentioned, it is not something that I would ever want or do in reality... but that it's in my mind is disturbing to me.

[Fr_Chuck]

Most people have some hidden lust or desire and as long as they are not acted upon there is normally no issue. The problem I see is that you can not complete normal sexual activity without thinking about them, Then this is a problem, since you need them as a crutch to complete your sexual performance. I would say this needs to be addressed professionally.

[NeedKarma]

Whatever you're thinking you are most likely not alone. Check out this book:
Amazon.com: My Secret Garden: Books: Nancy Friday

[margarita_momma]

Hey Sincere1. You are not alone in having those type of fantasies. Most of the time when I am trying to climax, I have some type of violent rape bondage scene going through my head. I honestly can't get off without being mentally focused on something like that. Honestly I have never told anyone that before either lol. Your fantasies are your fantasies. What goes on in your head, stays in your head. I would never act on any of the stuff that goes through my head during sex or masturbation. Stop worrying about it so much.

[Sincere1]

Thanks everyone for your advice. I read the reviews on "The Secret Garden" and although I haven't read the actual book yet, but it seems that these kinds of fantasies may not be all that uncommon. If lots (well I don't know how many) of women have these kinds of fantasies, where on earth do they come from?? I mean, these thoughts are so demeaning, so degrading to women; I just don't know why that's going through my mind while I'm aroused?!

And, if this is a more common issue, why don't women talk about it? Well... I can understand why women don't talk about it... but then there must be a lot of women feeling like 'freaks' out there, like me.

Well, I'll give that book a read and report back. It might trigger at least the 'herding' instinct whereby 'if everyone's doing it... it must be ok' lol Or I'll be able to add a little better insight to my own questions.

[excon]

Hello ladies:

Well, I'll venture an opinion, and I'm sure I'm be roundly kicked about for it too. But, that's never stopped me before.

My wife had a similar fantasy we acted out on occasion. She just wanted me to get a little rough and ignore her pleas to stop, and just basically "take her".

Therein, I believe, is the crux. Throughout the ages, men have never asked for sex - they just took it. It's only recently in our history that women's interests have been considered.

Could it be that there is a very basic instinct for a women to ONLY get off when she's being "taken"?

Of course, it's not TRUE, as in everybody, and it may not be true at all.

My wife told me another story, too. Before we became a couple, she went out with a friend of mine. She told me that he raped her, which really bummed me out. And then she told me that she never came so hard when he was doing it to her. I just kind of scratched my head about that one.

Look, I don't know about this stuff. I'm only guessing.

excon

[kp2171]

I'm just piling on here... you are *gasp* normal-ish.

As is as screwed as the rest of us? I don't know.

One of my fav positions is a "power" position, in that I can trap my partners arms to her side or have my hands around her neck. Does wonders for me, and my partner doesn't mind a lot, though I need to be a little softer in touch. A previous partner I had absolutely loved more aggressive sex, including some mild bondage, blindfolding, and a little rough pushing and shoving by her and me. She loved having her hair pulled, and was a lot more of an exibitionist. She thought sex in the bedroom was a little too "vanilla" much of the time, so she was always looking for the right place to take a risk.

The only downside is once you go there and start actually acting some out its hard to step back some. I mentally have to not get upset with my partner, whom I have a good sexual relationship with, because I have to "hold back" some.

So, yeah. Its all normal. The only thing id add is the more you can lose yourself in the moment, the less you need to create extra mental stimulation... but sometimes you need an extra push over the top. Whatever gets you through the night. All right. All right.

[statictable]

I do enjoy seeing a healthy woman out there. Congrats. And remember it's part of the human experience. Maybe there are some out there who just feel awkward knowing they are human beings and not a cute little frog resting along the shores of the black lagoon.

[Sincere1]

Well, just an update. "My Secret Garden" was not avail. At the bookstore... but the continuation of it was, called "Forbidden Flowers". I've read about 1/2 and have found... that yes, fantasies are totally normal. I haven't come across any in the book that are as 'bad' as mine... but I guess it just comes down to whatever turns you on. And being aware of how common these fantasies are is actually quite liberating to give 'permission' to have these fantasies and not feel guilty about them. If anything, just makes me hornier!

Anyhow, I definitely recommend either of Nancy Friday's books to any woman that wants to explore and possibly enhance her sexuality. Her first book was published in 1968!! I wish I heard of it much sooner! Thanks a lot, NeedKarma, for the tip.

[NeedKarma]

[Dennis777]

Hello.

I agree letting your fantasy world come into your reality at times is not only exciting its healthy. Just keep this in the back of your mind, as in any fantasy at some point you will find yourself in the position to fulfill that fantasy. You have the control to walk away or dive in, think about where your going to draw that line not to cross before you get to that point.

I always say if your not hurting anyone then why not go for it. But part of your fantasy can hurt others so keep that in mind.

Dennis777

[snotbubble]

All this was interesting to read through. I have actually fantasized about being raped too, which bothered me at the same time. I was surprised to see other women say the similar things. Ha ha. But I do like to be man-handled during sex. I have heard that people who "like it rough" or with aggression, were abused as a child. I was abused for a while by a 16 year old baby sitter when I was a toddler. Just wondering... did you go through anything when you were young? Psychological feelings are interesting.

[smoothy]

Fantasies are fine... even if they can be a bit out there. That's why they are fantasies.

Wife's can be a bit out there as well, but I've never mocked her on them and encouraged her to reveal them. Doesn't mean we will ever act out on them, but it helps me understand more about what turns her on.

Its not a rape fantasy she has. She fantasizes about seeing me gang banged by 4-6 guys all of which are exceptionally well endowed, as in 10+ inches, two at a time one at each end. Now it goes without saying that's never going to happen. But I am not offended to hear it and encourage her to be honest and open about what her fantasies are. There are some and elements of some that can be played out so it gives her greater satisfaction.

My fantasies are more usual for a guy. I'd like to have the typical harem thing where a group of women totally wear me out.

[Sincere1]

In response to 'snotbubble' (ha ha - nice name) I was never personally abused in any form as a child. I had a few sexual experiences with girl friends and a cousin when I was young - maybe about 8 years old onwards - but those were about curiosity and I don't consider that abuse at all. I was always very sexually curious and discovered my own form of masturbation at a very young age. Anyhow, I'm not sure if aggressive fantasies have anything to do with 'abuse' - it doesn't in my case. Going back to Nancy Friday's "Forbidden Flowers" - there are some crazy fantasies written there - so I found that re-assuring that I'm not alone.

I'm curious to learn more about men's secret sexual fantasies! Any men want to share? Unfortunately, my husband tends to be more conservative about sex-play and doesn't admit to any unusual fantasies. Nancy Friday also published a book called "Men in Love" that goes into this subject. That'll be my next read.

[ordinaryguy]

I'm curious to learn more about men's secret sexual fantasies! Any men want to share?

My secret sexual fantasy is to be able to get it up and have sex with a woman who wants it. Like I used to.

[kp2171]

Mine are probably fairly pedestrian. Ive always loved the woman blindfolded. Some minor restraints can be OK, but sometimes its more a pain than not. Never been a fan of a lover acting like she's in distress, but the partner I had who liked hands at her neck squeezing just a little, that was sexy as anything. Same with simple retraining using my hands to hold her arms, wrists.

Big fan of “voyeur moments”… for ex, a partner would leave the bathroom door open and enough of the shower curtain pulled so I could watch her shower from another room. Now, I could have stepped in the shower too, but Ive always liked the voyeur aspect. We have an enclosed, private backyard and she's put the blinds up and changed clothes in front of them when she knew I could see… stuff like that. Most partners have been open to some tastefully done photos. A woman's body with the right lighting and right angles is just beautiful and guys are visually stimulated.

Outdoor sex rocks. Take it when you can.

Like I said, fairly pedestrian here.

[sveltskye]

What if a guy has rape fantasies? If he never does anything remotely close to acting them out and has a normal sex life, is it still appropriate? I find it a little strange that women are encouraged to not feel guilty about rape fantasies because they're the victems of the "crime" when men are given the whole "they could be closet rapists" spiel. Yes, they could, but is it common for normal, not rapist men to have this fantasy too?

[statictable]

What if a guy has rape fantasies? If he never does anything remotely close to acting them out and has a normal sex life, is it still appropriate? I find it a little strange that women are encouraged to not feel guilty about rape fantasies because they're the victems of the "crime" when men are given the whole "they could be closet rapists" spiel. Yes, they could, but is it common for normal, not rapist men to have this fantasy too?

Sveltskye makes an important point with his theory of comparable male vs female fantasies. Men and women deal with a vast array of expectations and the reactions are far more complex than the chemistry of what might be expected of us. A female teacher has an intimate relationship with a 8th grade male student? Will women in general view this as a man would? If I have a fantasy which carries a stigma and I know how benign it is, I would probably keep it to myself; just wouldn't want to open a can of fish bait.