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still love · Aug 20, 2007, 01:21 PM

When I was younger I was engaged to another man. We were together for six years. We were High School Sweethearts. Then something happened I fell out of love and the feelings were not mutual. He loved me and it took him a while to get over me. I was in college dating around and eventually I got pregnant by mistake. I married the man I became pregnant for but my yearning for myex started even before I was married or pregnant for that matter. It was too late and that is something I have to live with. I am friends with my ex's younger sister and I would visit her from time to time and when I saw him again my feelings were unstoppable. I broke down and told him how I felt and he laughed in my face and said "I am happy with my life now". I still love him and I can't bring myself to look at my husband he is a good man just not what I had in mind to spend my life with. I feel like I have no control over my happiness and doomed to spend the rest of my life in misery. Pleas Help ME!! :confused:

JohnSnownw · Aug 20, 2007, 01:25 PM

There appear to be issues here far more numerous than just your affections for an ex. My advice would be to talk with a counselor. Sorry I cannot be of more help, because you certainly could do with some. Good Luck to you.

kp2171 · Aug 20, 2007, 01:37 PM

Well... your husband deserves to know the truth as well... to live with a person who isn't honestly devoted to you and in love with you is something he should be able to choose. And there isn't a judgemental word in that sentence against what you feel or think. He should know reality, if you really are in the place you say you are.

As for the ex, that is the past. Your love is for a relationship and time that doesn't exist. He isn't that person anymore and that's hard to take... but its also something you haven't fully accepted yet, thinking that there could still be a chance...

I had a love all through HS, college, one year after. In some ways that love has never been duplicated. Then again, the next serious love I had after that wasn't the same as my next... and my healthy marriage might be "missing" some elements from the previous relationships, but it also has elements that were never there before. So... you just don't find the same love again... you aren't supposed to.

Your problem is dealing with right now and letting go of the past. The idea of what was has been a security blanket of sorts, the possibility of escaping the life you don't want. Now you know that's not going to happen. You owe your ex, if you have any love for him, to leave him alone.

And now you have to do the hard work of either reconciling your marriage, or leaving it. All in now or all out. None of this in between. You took vows that you didn't mean, or you hoped you could hold to... and now you are emotionally separated from the man you wed. again, I'm not going to judge that... but I will say having control and getting what you want are tied together.

If you want happiness, you'll need to do some work. Putting the past to bed is the foremost issue, which might mean someone to talk to on a reg basis, and taking the steps to no longer live a lie... whether you stay in the marriage or go.

Id hate to see your husband suffer for your mistakes or your inability to let go of the past by his losing his wife, but I think its worse to lead him on... he deserves happiness too, and if this is where the marriage is he also needs the chance to decide if what you offer is really enough.

So time to do some work. You love something that does not exist. You don't love what you have. Time to figure out how you can let go of that noise in the past... because that's all it is... and time to figure out what you need out of your life today. Talking to a counselor is probably a smart first step.