[InTheEyesOfALI]

Hi I'm 15 years old and my name is Brandon. Ok look I have gone to counseling and anger management but none of that stuff works. My anger is starting to even scare me. I don't look for attention and if u want to tell me otherwise u might as well off and pray I don't find you.
Well I have a pretty bad past but I really don't think that is what affects me. My parents practically live in prison and have since before they had me. But in some way I always knew they loved me even though they were always ed up on Meth. My Mother is in prison now for about ten more years after she promised to me her son AGAIN she wouldn't go back and my dad is somewhere in court everyday. I haven't heard from him in about two years maybe but I see my mom about once a month if I am lucky
These things do affect me but I do not feel depressed what I'm trying to say is I have a really bad anger prob and the counselers blame it on my past which is total bull. I get angry at little thing and big things. The little things I get angry about are like striking out, not being invited somewhere, people making fun of me (even playfully), not having girls, etc. The bigger things are like losing my friends and yes I actually get ANGRY when this happens. Also when my grandparents fight over stupid every night. I have punched numerous holes in my walls and doors. Im a boxer and if I got to pissed I would probably kill someone in the ring.
People like to with me by going on instant messenger as a random person and making fun of me for my anger when they know that it makes me want to kill myself. They also laugh when I get mad. I am scared because I just recently asked for a gun and it was out of spite. I got home mad one day because people were making fun of me and I asked a kid with connections for a gun and he is currently looking into it. I don't know why I want one or why I asked but its either to scare and show people I'm serious or to end my life.
When I get mad I can't do the stuff they tell me to do in anger management because from the point I get mad to the point I explode is almost instant. I sit at home shaking because I am so mad and half the time I don't know why. I have been boxing everyday now and haven't seen my friends in about a month because they don't call me anymore which makes me even more mad... so mad that I think the next time I saw them I would drop one of them.
I have never been in a fight because people don't act tough around me in person cause they know I would probably kill them... literally. But when people do with me its either a gang or some rele big guy. WHICH PISSES ME OFF CUZ I Don't LIKE TO WALK AWAY. I just rele need help and if anyone replies to this by saying "just dont get mad"... it will make me even more mad and nobody but me knows how it feels to get as mad as I do... I can say that confidently

-Brandon

[fredg]

Hi,
Please don't get mad at this suggestion:
PLEASE don't post bad language, abusive language here.
There are many "4 letter words" in your post... learning to express yourself without using them would be a good first step in controlling your anger.
I am very sorry to hear about all this. You deserve a break today, and for the rest of your life.
This might sound crazy, but since you said you have been to Anger Management classes, have you tried any anti-depressant medication?
I let stuff get to me also, but not to the point of bashing in a wall; but I do get angry over little things sometimes.
My suggestion is to see a doctor, and ask about some anti-depressant medication.
My daughter takes Lexapro, 10 mg, with the advice of a doctor, and it is helping her a lot... getting over some periods of frustration she use to have.
Please consider seeing a doctor.
I am not going to tell you to not let all this bother you... that would be ridiculous!! It would bother me, too.
But, some type of anti-depressant medication can help.
I do wish you the best, and if you want, please post back. Talking about things does help sometimes.
PS; I am 63 yrs old, married for 28 yrs, 3 children, and am now retired. I do understand about frustration... having been divorced from my first wife many, many years ago; until I met my wife, now 28 yrs!
fredg

[InTheEyesOfALI]

Sorry about the language just thinking about how I get mad can make me mad so I just let it out. And no I'm not mad you suggested that because that's what I want... suggestions. Ok look I could go get them but if I told my grandparents they would send me to some wacky institution... is there anyway I can get them on my own

[tiadesai]

Strategies To Keep Anger At Bay

Relaxation

Simple relaxation tools, such as deep breathing and relaxing imagery, can help calm down angry feelings. There are books and courses that can teach you relaxation techniques, and once you learn the techniques, you can call upon them in any situation. If you are involved in a relationship where both partners are hot-tempered, it might be a good idea for both of you to learn these techniques.

Some simple steps you can try:

* Breathe deeply, from your diaphragm; breathing from your chest won't relax you. Picture your breath coming up from your "gut."

* Slowly repeat a calm word or phrase such as "relax," "take it easy." Repeat it to yourself while breathing deeply.

* Use imagery; visualize a relaxing experience, from either your memory or your imagination.

* Nonstrenuous, slow yoga-like exercises can relax your muscles and make you feel much calmer.

Practice these techniques daily. Learn to use them automatically when you're in a tense situation.

Cognitive Restructuring

Simply put, this means changing the way you think. Angry people tend to curse, swear, or speak in highly colorful terms that reflect their inner thoughts. When you're angry, your thinking can get very exaggerated and overly dramatic. Try replacing these thoughts with more rational ones. For instance, instead of telling yourself, "oh, it's awful, it's terrible, everything's ruined," tell yourself, "it's frustrating, and it's understandable that I'm upset about it, but it's not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow."

Be careful of words like "never" or "always" when talking about yourself or someone else. "This !&*%@ machine never works," or "you're always forgetting things" are not just inaccurate, they also serve to make you feel that your anger is justified and that there's no way to solve the problem. They also alienate and humiliate people who might otherwise be willing to work with you on a solution.

Remind yourself that getting angry is not going to fix anything, that it won't make you feel better (and may actually make you feel worse).

Logic defeats anger, because anger, even when it's justified, can quickly become irrational. So use cold hard logic on yourself. Remind yourself that the world is "not out to get you," you're just experiencing some of the rough spots of daily life. Do this each time you feel anger getting the best of you, and it'll help you get a more balanced perspective. Angry people tend to demand things: fairness, appreciation, agreement, willingness to do things their way. Everyone wants these things, and we are all hurt and disappointed when we don't get them, but angry people demand them, and when their demands aren't met, their disappointment becomes anger. As part of their cognitive restructuring, angry people need to become aware of their demanding nature and translate their expectations into desires. In other words, saying, "I would like" something is healthier than saying, "I demand" or "I must have" something. When you're unable to get what you want, you will experience the normal reactions—frustration, disappointment, hurt—but not anger. Some angry people use this anger as a way to avoid feeling hurt, but that doesn't mean the hurt goes away.

Problem Solving

Sometimes, our anger and frustration are caused by very real and inescapable problems in our lives. Not all anger is misplaced, and often it's a healthy, natural response to these difficulties. There is also a cultural belief that every problem has a solution, and it adds to our frustration to find out that this isn't always the case. The best attitude to bring to such a situation, then, is not to focus on finding the solution, but rather on how you handle and face the problem.

Make a plan, and check your progress along the way. Resolve to give it your best, but also not to punish yourself if an answer doesn't come right away. If you can approach it with your best intentions and efforts and make a serious attempt to face it head-on, you will be less likely to lose patience and fall into all-or-nothing thinking, even if the problem does not get solved right away.

Better Communication

Angry people tend to jump to—and act on—conclusions, and some of those conclusions can be very inaccurate. The first thing to do if you're in a heated discussion is slow down and think through your responses. Don't say the first thing that comes into your head, but slow down and think carefully about what you want to say. At the same time, listen carefully to what the other person is saying and take your time before answering.

Listen, too, to what is underlying the anger. For instance, you like a certain amount of freedom and personal space, and your "significant other" wants more connection and closeness. If he or she starts complaining about your activities, don't retaliate by painting your partner as a jailer, a warden, or an albatross around your neck.

It's natural to get defensive when you're criticized, but don't fight back. Instead, listen to what's underlying the words: the message that this person might feel neglected and unloved. It may take a lot of patient questioning on your part, and it may require some breathing space, but don't let your anger—or a partner's—let a discussion spin out of control. Keeping your cool can keep the situation from becoming a disastrous one.

Using Humor

"Silly humor" can help defuse rage in a number of ways. For one thing, it can help you get a more balanced perspective. When you get angry and call someone a name or refer to them in some imaginative phrase, stop and picture what that word would literally look like. If you're at work and you think of a coworker as a "dirtbag" or a "single-cell life form," for example, picture a large bag full of dirt (or an amoeba) sitting at your colleague's desk, talking on the phone, going to meetings. Do this whenever a name comes into your head about another person. If you can, draw a picture of what the actual thing might look like. This will take a lot of the edge off your fury; and humor can always be relied on to help unknot a tense situation.

The underlying message of highly angry people, Dr. Deffenbacher says, is "things oughta go my way!" Angry people tend to feel that they are morally right, that any blocking or changing of their plans is an unbearable indignity and that they should NOT have to suffer this way. Maybe other people do, but not them!

When you feel that urge, he suggests, picture yourself as a god or goddess, a supreme ruler, who owns the streets and stores and office space, striding alone and having your way in all situations while others defer to you. The more detail you can get into your imaginary scenes, the more chances you have to realize that maybe you are being unreasonable; you'll also realize how unimportant the things you're angry about really are. There are two cautions in using humor. First, don't try to just "laugh off" your problems; rather, use humor to help yourself face them more constructively. Second, don't give in to harsh, sarcastic humor; that's just another form of unhealthy anger expression.

What these techniques have in common is a refusal to take yourself too seriously. Anger is a serious emotion, but it's often accompanied by ideas that, if examined, can make you laugh.

Changing Your Environment

Sometimes it's our immediate surroundings that give us cause for irritation and fury. Problems and responsibilities can weigh on you and make you feel angry at the "trap" you seem to have fallen into and all the people and things that form that trap.

Give yourself a break. Make sure you have some "personal time" scheduled for times of the day that you know are particularly stressful. One example is the working mother who has a standing rule that when she comes home from work, for the first 15 minutes "nobody talks to Mom unless the house is on fire." After this brief quiet time, she feels better prepared to handle demands from her kids without blowing up at them.

Some Other Tips for Easing Up on Yourself

Timing: If you and your spouse tend to fight when you discuss things at night—perhaps you're tired, or distracted, or maybe it's just habit—try changing the times when you talk about important matters so these talks don't turn into arguments.

Avoidance: If your child's chaotic room makes you furious every time you walk by it, shut the door. Don't make yourself look at what infuriates you. Don't say, "well, my child should clean up the room so I won't have to be angry!" That's not the point. The point is to keep yourself calm.

Finding alternatives: If your daily commute through traffic leaves you in a state of rage and frustration, give yourself a project—learn or map out a different route, one that's less congested or more scenic. Or find another alternative, such as a bus or commuter train.

Do You Need Counseling?

If you feel that your anger is really out of control, if it is having an impact on your relationships and on important parts of your life, you might consider counseling to learn how to handle it better. A psychologist or other licensed mental health professional can work with you in developing a range of techniques for changing your thinking and your behavior.

When you talk to a prospective therapist, tell her or him that you have problems with anger that you want to work on, and ask about his or her approach to anger management. Make sure this isn't only a course of action designed to "put you in touch with your feelings and express them"—that may be precisely what your problem is. With counseling, psychologists say, a highly angry person can move closer to a middle range of anger in about 8 to 10 weeks, depending on the circumstances and the techniques used.

[jduke44]

Brandon, One more thing I would like to add. If someone has already mentioned this I apologize in advance. You are 15 with real issues and real concerns, don't let anyone tell you differently. I used to wonder how teenagers could get stressed out and think they have nothing to be stressed out about. I am learning that is not true, even infants get stressed and will express it in their own way. It sounds like from your description you have both parents that were not around you often and you live with your grandparents who also fight with each other. My question would be who do you have that is near you that you can talk to? You know, express what your feeling (without getting angry). Again, don't let anyone tell you that men don't need to talk about their feelings because they do. They don't do it like women do but they do. My suggestion is to find someone a little older or a lot older who you can talk to or even hang out with that you can trust and will be there for you. One who will help you stay out of trouble (not saying you are getting into trouble). You need someone that will encourage you and lift you up instead of knocking you down. Please, please, please take fred's advice and try to not swear. That can turn people off. That may be what tunred your friends off. I know when I get angry for no reason (and I do) and get into a spirt of thinking negatively about everything, my wife doesn't like to be around me. She will stay be me but she will tell me about it. I can't change it until I realize that is where I am. You sound like a good kid and with a good head on your shoulders. You acknowledge and want to change your thinking which is great. I wish there was more teenagers like you who are as smart as you. If you have any more questions or just need to vent some more please ask. Again, please try to not swear. I hope this helps.

[InTheEyesOfALI]

Wow all of the suggestions and ways to help my anger are really going to help me. I seriosuly never thought I would grow out of this, but ALL of you showed me that I'm not crazy and I can help myself... I don't think I need counceling because I'm almost positive I can do it on my own not saying its going to be easy and I should find someone older to talk to and I think I might have already


Thanks a lot guys if you have anymore suggestions help me out because I'm always here reading this... it could change my life

[fredg]

Hi, Brandon,
No, you must have a prescription from a doctor to get anti-depressants.
No, I don't think you can do this on your own... I know the truth hurts, and I don't mean to sound negative; but, you really, really need to talk with others; such as a support group for anger, or a doctor.
If you could control this by yourself, you wouldn't be writing your post; right?
Please get some help from a doctor, or other Group Help. Look in the phone book, for some groups.
Best wishes,
fredg

[InTheEyesOfALI]

I'm not going to go to a group because I live with my grandparents and if I tell them I needa do that they won't have trust in me because they'll think I'm crazy but if I can seceretly get anti depressents than you ill do that but that's it

[SweetCancion]

Hey Brandon,
I'm 22 and I currently take Effexor for depression and anxiety. I am so sorry for your situation; to be honest, I don't even know how I can give you any advice for your family. It sounds like you've all had difficult times, but the difference is: You want to change and are willing to rise above all the hurt and unbelievably hard situations you must deal with on a daily basis. Your parents on the other hand, don't seem to want to change. Please know that it isn't you-- sometimes people just don't have enough self confidence or enough strength to change. It isn't anything you've done, but also please realize that you can't change them. I'm so happy to hear that you realize your internalized anger is a problem and want to change it-- that is half the battle.
With regards to getting the anti-depressants on your own, I know there are several web sites where you can explain your situation and an online doctor will prescribe it for you and ship it to you.
BUT, here's some more long winded advice and a story. Truly, I wouldn't recommend you going on the drugs on your own. Chances are (no offense intended here), if you punch holes in your walls, etc, your grandparents already know you have a problem. While the common thought is that they will think you're wacked out if you ask for help, it really is not true. They will most likely be relieved that you realize you have a problem. Don't be afraid to open up to them-- they love you and are probably willing to do just about anything to help you. When your parents went to jail, they could have left you to be a child of the state, but they didn't. That speaks volumes about them as important people for you to utilize in your life; they are already sacrificing their home, their retirement, travel, whatever to raise you, because YOU DESERVE IT! You are worthy to be loved, and they love you, believe it or not. I guarantee you, asking for help will not land you in the psycho house. If anything, if you do not ask for help, based upon the way you described yourself, you might be headed for boot camp, juvenille detention, etc. You are better than that; you know that you don't want to end up like your parents, but if you allow anger to take control, chances are, you will. Ask for the help- truly I promise you they will be happy to get it for you. (And honestly, worst case scenario, say you did end up at an inpatient treatment facility, would your life be any worse than it is now? Chances are you already know the answer to that.)
Now for my story: My life cannot compare to yours; you certainly have been through much rougher times than I, but here is why I do not recommend that you go on the antidepressants secretly... All through middle school and high school, I was pretty depressed. I was a good student, good looking and had a lot of friends. But, even though I had all this, I wasn't happy. I faked being happy on the outside, but on the inside, I just wanted to die. I could never tell my parents because they are very stringent and very conservative. My mother always referred to people with problems as "psychopaths" and such, and always talked about how medication was a crock and there really wasn't a medical problem, etc. You get the point. Anyhow, after I had been out of the house for a couple of years, I finally went for help. I went to see a psychiatrist and was diagnosed with Major Depression. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. The medication he gave me was wonderful, but truly, even with the medication, I still wasn't completely happy. My mind wanted to be happy with the medications, but I knew all of my old habits. I was still unhappy because I had put on this front of always being happy (much like you've put on the 'tough angry guy' facade) and no one, not even my parents truly knew me, my inner thoughts, and my emotions. Before medication, when I was depressed, I would drink. I had dropped out of college, and was working in a bar, and soon I wouldn't hesitate to call myself an alcohalic at the ripe old age of 19... The antidepressants only made me black out worse when I became drunk; although they were miraculous on the days that I wasn't drinking. Finally, I met a counsellor who changed my life; I had the chemistry to be a better person because of the medication, but I didn't know how. My counsellor helped me realize how to deal with my hurt, anger and feelings of doubt. She helped me to learn to deal with my parents, and eventually show them who I truly was. When I first told my parents I was on medication, they were happy that I had gotten the help I needed. My transformation has also transformed them; they have gotten to know me for who I really am, but also, they've learned to relax in their ways.
I won't go on about myself, because this is about you. But please, even if you try an antidepressant, that is only half treatment. You wouldn't tell a heart patient who needed quadruple bypass that you were only going to do two arteries versus the four, so why would you deny yourself a 50% better chance to get well? Antidepressants may help, but talk therapy really isn't as bad as you think. You might need to try a couple of counselors (My first one was a quack and a half) but once you meet the right one, it will click. They will try to understand you, but won't pretend; you will feel comfortable with that person, and when you are ready, you will be on the path to recovery.
Best of luck to you; Keep striving to change and keep praying! I have no doubt you will make it through this. Let me know if there's anything else I can do.
Lisa

[fredg]

Hi,
The first step in solving any problem such as this is to admit it before others.
Your grandparents might feel the way you think they will, they might not. In order for you to overcome this anger, you really need a group of people to talk about it; with others who have the same issues.
Admitting the problem to others is the first step to the rest of your life.

[420MasterBlast]

Dude, I'm the same way you are. The only way to deal with your anger is to use it. If some kid you don't like disrespects you beat him up, you gain respect from people this way.

[Jake2008]

Anger to this extent, which involves violence, and increasing levels of it, without resolve, will land you either in jail, or dead. There is no between.

That you have someone looking for a gun for you, that you will probably get, is clearly a sign that you need help. You getting pills off the street is not the answer.

Until you are assessed properly, nobody has any idea what medications are required, if any.

Anger masks fear. Fear can be a terrible motivator to do things you do not want to do, because you are looking for answers. As you said about the gun, it may be something that you will use to kill yourself. The emotional place you are in now, will one day see you use the gun on yourself, or others, and you need to break this cycle of continued violence.

Anybody telling you not to get angry is like telling the wind not to blow. It is what is driving you right now, and it is turning into a force that you are unable to control.

Were you in court ordered anger management classes? It really doesn't matter, but whatever the reason it did not work for you, also indicates that you need to find ways to help yourself. Starting with telling your grandparents.

You need to step up, recognize you have a problem to such an extreme that you are putting yourself, and others in danger. Insist that you be allowed to see a doctor, at least the family doctor, and ask for a referral for counselling. Get a complete assessment, and recognize that you will have to change. Pills alone will not do it.

IF there is depression or anxiety in some form that contributes to this, that is only one part of the problem solved. You need to learn how to live your life without the anger, and figure out what drives this anger, in order to understand and change.

It is very hard work for anybody to face themselves, and realize that they need help in coping with life. You are smart to have come here and ask questions, but there are no easy answers. It has to start with you. Insist on getting the help you need, find a way to get it, and put all your effort into what is required.

If you can invest in yourself, and put forth the discipline and hard work you put into your boxing, you can turn your life into one that is different than the life you are living now.