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sweetlady7 · Aug 16, 2007, 10:03 AM

When I least expected it, I met someone while out of town. We immediately hit it off and continued to talk, write and visit. Things were going well, and I tried to keep it all in perspective. The distance didn't have to be forever. Anyway, we recently discussed things in depth and I discovered that he had been in an emotionally and financially draining long-distance relationship before he met me. So he was reluctant to commit to all of that again. He told me again and again to not take this personally and how special I was and how if it weren't for the distance he would want to be exclusive. Then he up and met someone where he lives... I'm disappointed and hurt even though I feel stupid for feeling this way. If I were so special, how could he just up and meet someone there? Just having a hard time getting over this. Any tips would be appreciated.

LearningAsIGo · Aug 16, 2007, 10:12 AM

Don't feel stupid for your feelings. Its natural and healthy to mourn the end of a relationship and wish for a better result. Look at it this way, he was honest and up-front about the situation which shows he respects and cares for you. With physical distance, he easily could have had an affair rather than do the difficult thing and admit he met someone else.

Be glad he was honest and who knows... maybe what you really found was a good friend! Stay in touch and maybe down the line if the distance gap closes you could find each other again. :)

GlindaofOz · Aug 16, 2007, 10:16 AM

Long distance relationships are hard work. I ended mine after a few weeks it was just too much and too frustrating. We both agreed that are connection was special and that we both thought highly of one another but we just knew it would not happen. We both left it as hey if you move closer to me give me call we'll see where we are at.

Like Learning said its better to figure it out early then when you're getting ready to move across the country. I'm sure there are plenty of amazing guys in your area who would love to date you.

victoria_mitchell · Aug 16, 2007, 12:10 PM

I agree with both the above posts... I think you are better off (not to cruel or bluntly rude) When you have a hard day and just need a shoulder to cry on he won't be fisically there and when you have had something exciting happen or an accomplishment he won't be there to celebrate with you. And I'm not sure how old you but sex would play a big role into it too. Guys are very well... horny. It's not fair to ask him to stay loyal to you when he's so far away and there is sooooo much temptation and the same goes for you. I feel bad for you but at the same time it's better it ended this way in my mind because it could have ended a lot worse.

kp2171 · Aug 16, 2007, 01:46 PM

My wife ran through a few long distance relationships before we met. When I met her, I was ready to leave town and told her so. We hit it off and I asked her if long dist could work and she said yes.

Then she said no.

Which cause a temp break. And then I realized that I needed to stay to work it out. If I had left, I might have done the same in time... found someone of interest closer.

You are "allowed" to feel bad. But I just wouldn't read too much into how he could find someone to "replace you"... he never had you. You had a connection, but he was never fully vested in it and it sounds like you were, at least more than he was... and I think its possible that he was up front with you from day one.

When a relationship doesn't work out and all parties have tried to be honest and true... well, that's about the best-case-worst-case scenario. Sucks, but I think it's a "healthy" failure.

kp2171 · Aug 16, 2007, 02:22 PM

Originally Posted by sweetlady7

disagrees: Just the "possible he was upfront from day one"....Day one was I can't stop thinking about you and want to see you, no mention of I can't deal with distance. Sounds like I overlooked something, but I didn't

Okay... * edited * I mistook the timing on hearing about his being unsure about distance. My bad.

* edited more, as I was being a jerk *

Moving on...

kp2171 · Aug 16, 2007, 02:36 PM

OK... let me try again.

I'm irish in temper and it hit me wrong that before I got a "thank you" for your input, I got a "disagree" rating... but lets try again.

So... I don't change my position. He might have been up front all along, its just you, and maybe he, didn't know that his history was going to snag the relationship.

I dated a girl a year after a big breakup. Big mistake. I wasn't ready, and I wasn't looking for a rebound. But that's what it was. I hurt the girl and ended up with more guilt heaped on top of feeling lousy for lost love.

So... he still might have been telling the truth. Or not.

Just like you can feel great about someone and then it doesn't work out... that doesn't mean it wasn't good or that you didn't feel that way... it means relationships are dynamic and they revolve around two peoples personalities, which are complex.

I don't know the easier pill to take. He's a jerk who scammed you from the start or he's an honest person and its just really bad timing...

Anyway.. happens to the best of us.

sweetlady7 · Aug 16, 2007, 02:41 PM

Thanks for taking the time to explain further. I appreciate it. I absolutely don't think he is a jerk (it would be easier if that were the case). In the beginning we were just discovering that we liked each other, we didn't necessarily need the big discussion about distance. Maybe the big discussion would have saved me from getting carried away and ultimately hurt, but I would have missed out on the time I had with him and talked to him.
I'm overly sensitive right now and part Irish myself.

talaniman · Aug 16, 2007, 03:01 PM

how if it weren't for the distance he would want to be exclusive.

Seems as if he was telling you something here.

marcus83 · Aug 16, 2007, 03:38 PM

Sweetlady,

Im still not over my long distance, highly expensive, highly emotional, highly frustrating relationship... I fell so hard for this girl. She's in Virginia, Im in Florida... we were crazy over each other in the beginning... the distance does take a toll!! If he was in love and in a long distance relationship that failed.. I can fully understand, he started to truly fall for you, and quickly remember how terrible it felt when the previous relationship failed. He doesn't know how it failed, all that matters is it did! He blames it on the distance mainly.

His reluctancy has NOTHING to do with you! I WILL NEVER DO A LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP AGAIN!!

I wish you the best, I hope he changes his mind, I know that would make you happy. But you probably truly are better off, Im still going through mental hell... I still have bills I pay from our relationship & she's dating new guys now... think about it from that angle..

Regards - Marcus

sweetlady7 · Aug 27, 2007, 06:18 AM

Just posting an update if anyone by chance reads this... I sent him a quick email last week just a hello nothing about seeing each other again or anything like that. I thought it would be nice to keep in touch (that is what he had said). Anyway, he never replied. Makes me doubt that he was ever sincere.

marcus83 · Aug 27, 2007, 06:46 AM

Yeah, now the girl I've spent the last 8 months apologizing to and pouring my heart out to, is with a new guy, in another long distance relationship, when she's told me for the past 8 months that our relationship was " long distance" and superficial, she turns around and gets into another one with this guy who is the most arrogant & cocky person I've ever heard of... I don't understand women, especially this girl... what a waste of time, money and emotional hell.

kp2171 · Aug 27, 2007, 08:47 AM

Well at this point all you know is that you can't care about the reasons for his absence.

Do people lie sometimes, say "nice" things to try to make the other person feel better (or make their guilt less)? Sure. I had a girl I dated tell me, after catching her cheating, at the last "gathering of stuff" (as in, "here.. take your crap out of my house"), she said "i'll see you around"... now, she knew damn well there was no way that would happen. She knew we went in the same circles by effort and planning. She was from another state. No chance id probably see her again by any normal circumstances... and she looked like she choked on the words when she said them. She tried to say it hopefully. She knew it was a lie. Said to make me feel better? Her feel better? Who knows? Who cares?

In your case, again, it can be several possibilities.

1) nice guy possibility - he meant what he said about keeping in touch, at the time. But now it seems too uncomfortable and he's worried its too soon to act out the friends side. He's following little or no contact to make sure you aren't trying to straddle the fence, not wanting you to be "lead on" by thinking he's still interested.

2) lying jerk from the start - says whatever he thinks you want to hear, as long as it gets him what he wants.

3) somewhere in between - maybe not a master manipulator. Maybe not the selfless guy who is just thinking of you by not leading you on. He's probably here.

No matter where he is, you know he's focused on himself and not you. "lets just be friends" is hard to do even when both sides are willing to put forward the effort.

Time to step away from him completely. If there is a chance of friendship it'll need to be initiated by him, and then you'll have to decide if its even worth it. At this point, where you just aren't sure where the truth begins and ends, its probably just better to write it off to "experience"

Blah. Never fun.

sweetlady7 · Aug 29, 2007, 12:23 PM

Thank you again. Life's lessons/experience don't seem to be easy.

Yet another update: You were right. He was very uncomfortable especially with me being hurt by what happened (I don't think he is used to rejecting someone), and he hasn't wanted to lead me on because he is with someone and the circumstances of the distance. We had a nice talk and agreed that we wanted to be friends but won't communicate often. Obviously I do need more time, I have to accept that nothing romantic will come of this, but but I hope that I can see him as a friend in the future. We are so at ease with each other and have a lot in common with work and interests so a friendship would be nice and practical. I just have to move on emotionally. Thanks again.