[stilllearning]

Not enough respect and putting her on the back burner. Those are the 2 reasons we broke up. Did I spend enough time with her? She worked 1st shift I worked 2nd. But we managed to talk a bit every day and would set aside at least 1 day a week for just us.

I didn't like going to her family gatherings. But she didn't like going to mine. She didn't like my friends She didn't have any friends, she would spend time with her baby cousin.

I felt trapped but content and I had no intention of leaving, was it my problem I felt trapped or was she not letting me get close enough? Was I not letting her get close enough? I felt like I was her father at times. She would play dumb all the time. Did she have a wall up? Or was I just too much for her with my mild depression?

You don't stay in a 12 year relationship if there is nothing there right? There was no abuse some fights of course but it was tit for tat.

She was just so submissive about everything. Why? She never once yelled at me and told me to change even though I was on my own.

I don't want to lose my first love of 12 years, we have so many memories. But I just don't know what's going on. Does she? Does she have it all planned out what she's going to do with her life? I know right now I'm just floating in space with no direction.

Was she the girl that had it all together and was just hanging in there as long as she could? And I was the one with the problem spending too much time on the computer?

I had made so many improvements, My computer times was down from 40hrs to 10 hrs a week. I was listening to her better, complimenting her more, not being so judgmental, built up my credit so we could buy the house we had been dreaming of, telling her I was almost ready for marrige and kids. What happened? Did I pass her up during my 3 years of therapy? She says she was one the back burner but it was so obvious I was on my way to fixing that.

Did she like the old me? She said out first 6 years together were better than the last. I was half the person then that I am now. Back then I was jealous, accusing, and ignored her. Does she miss the chaos?

She was raised in a chaotic home and abused by her uncle. How can she possible be A OK and just all of the sudden know what she needs to do to get her life back on track without one day of therapy or even talking about her past. Im just feeling like this rejected broken person who she has just had enough of.

I was doing all the counsleing, all the talking, all the figuring out on how we could fix our problems and its now been dumped in my face

Boy! What a rollercoster. Last night I was glad to be starting over now I'm crying as I type this.

[Oracleofwisdom]

Sometimes things just don't work out. I was married for 13 yrs been apart now for almost 2 I still cry sometimes when I'm down. It hurts there are many years in there. Just try to focus on what was good what worked and the fun you had. If you look at the bad all the time you will get down and that's just bad. Don't go down my friend only up. Its easy to come down from being up but hard to get up from being down. Get up each day a work on that day no more. It does get easier you will meet someone else. Its easy to blame yourself the truth is its both of you. However what's the point in keeping that in mind, try to move on a little at a time.

[GlindaofOz]

To be honest your ex sounds like a drama mama. Some people can only thrive in an environment of chaos. They only feel safe, comfortable and happy when everything is in disarray around them. She may resent you for stopping all of your chaos and seeking out calm. As you progressed and got better it became worse and worse for her because now you were doing everything you were supposed to and now there is nothing to complain about and no problems.

It sounds as if as you got healthier it just highlighted how unhealthy she was. You guys were together for an incredibly long time. You will not be getting over this overnight.

Like you said you were doing all the work. A relationship cannot function with one person trying to keep it alive. Think of a relationship as a rowboat if only one person is paddling you will just spin around in circles. Its only when both oars are engaged that the boat will move smoothly.

[talaniman]

Half the marriages in the US fails, no on knows about relationships, and they do fail, as people change there minds and move in another direction. You alone weren't enough to hold this thing together by yourself, so failure was inevitable. Sorry, but don't get down on yourself, just move on and chose a partner that appreciates your efforts, and puts the same work, and time, as you do. You deserve at least that. Much Luck

[stilllearning]

Thanks guys. Im just starting to see the big picture here and it's a little overwhelming and scary.

I do still want to make this work (maybe) although it may be harder than just moving on. Right now I'm just going to let the dust settle a little more and stay NC. See what she does and how she acts. I am aware that it very well could already be over.

Just have to remember who I am and what I'm about. We will see.