[momo2lilgls]

I am a single mother of two, 13yr old daughter and 11yr old daughter. My ex and I have 50-50 placement and custody. Is it normal for my 13yr old to be plain out mean to me when she is with him? I left her a message on her mySpace just asking how summer school went and what did she get from her father (he told me he got them a big surprise) and she responded, " why do you care." And I have not heard back from her. Even when I call there to talk to her she is real snippy to me. When she is home with me she is fine. I don't get it. Am I too involved and maybe I need to back off and not talk to her when she is over there? I am really upset. What does this behavior mean?

[GlindaofOz]

I'd like to say its just that she's 13. I know I was real pain at 13. Divorce can cause kids to try to separate out who they are with each parent and maybe she feels different when she's with her bad. The only thing you can do is talk to her. You might as well reach out to her and tell her that the way she acts when she's with her dad is hurtful especially since you do care about her.

With that being said, is it possible your ex is saying negative things about you?

[Ceasefire]

It sounds to me like she is choosing sides. Younger children, when they become the victim of a divorce, can begin to act out. They will sometimes pick favorites between the two parents. This is normal, and their "favorite" can change several times as they get older.

Have you talked to your ex, to see if she treats him the same way when she is home with you?

I would suggest leaving her alone while she is with her dad, she may feel like you are trying to invade her time with him. Let her be the one to talk to you.

While she is home with you, keep a strong, loving relationship with her and her sister. This is VERY important. Don't talk negatively to them about your ex, either. That can make you look like "the bad parent."

Keep love in the home, and show them that you care, always.

[K_3]

It is true 13 year old daughters can be trying in the best of circumstances. Children of divorced parents have it harder. There could be many reasons for her behavior. I would ask you first what your relationship is with your X. Could he be saying things that make her feel you do not care? Could you discuss this with him and see if she is that snippy with him? Is he remarried? All you can do is tell her how much you much you miss and "YES" I do care. You are looking forward to her coming back to you. Good luck.
My sister is a counselor and she told mothers of 13 year old girls, the girls would be fine, the moms usually needed counseling to get through it. HA

[p_rich91]

I was 14 when my parents divorced so I have a good idea of what your daughter is feeling. All divorces are different I guess, but I think no matter what the kids feel like a divorce takes the rug right out from under their feet. I felt so lost and depressed and upset when my parents got divorced. I was mad a both of them but also wanted everything to go back to normal even though I knew it couldn't. So first of all she has a lot of emotions from the divorce, which was your decision and not hers, so please be respectful of how she deals with her feelings... she had to make the best of something that wasn't her fault. Second, I didn't do this, but it may be possible that she just sides with the parent she is living with at the time. I can understand why she would do this--it makes things easier if you just get along with the parent you're with at the time and sometimes that means not wanting to have a friendly conversation with the other one while you're there. If she is still fine when she's with you then I don't know if you should push her... she's going through a lot of hard times right now and that might make her push you away more. You don't want your ex putting bad things about you in her mind, but if you are on OK terms he's probably not doing that. I would say give her a little space while she's at her dad's house and then if everything is OK while she's with you, just let it go. She is feeling quite lonely right now and although you may want to be her friend, she needs to sort some things out on her own and she will come to you with her feelings when she's ready. Good luck!

[momo2lilgls]

All of you make a lot of sense and I thank you. Yes, my X is always saying horrible things about me, and he is re-married and his wife called me a whore in front of my girls a few years back. I am actually taking my X back to court for non-payment of medical bills and child support and sole custody. He is a "disney" Dad, if you will. He has always told my oldest terrible things and all I could do is let her see for herself. I do not believe in talking bad about anyone without them there to defend themselves and I do not talk about him or his wife in front of our girls, he has done enough of that for the both of us. So, I know that does play apart. I cannot discuss things with him without him belittling me, partially why I am going back to court. Most of all communication I do with him is via e-mail that way it is documented and if he says bad things to me, it is only written words and lacks the cuss words. My 13yr old is very influential and my 11yr old holds her own and lives on logic most of the time. I know my X for the past 17yrs and he is very manipulative, coniving, and judgemental to the point that he makes others look bad (in a joking way) to make himself look good. He is the type of person that cannot handle having enemies.

[p_rich91]

If he is telling her so many bad things about you, then you may have to try to correct them with your daughter. But this makes more sense why she would be mean to you when she's with him -she's in survival mode trying to fit in with his personality... it's a hard place to be. Good Luck.

[momo2lilgls]

I can only imagine. My parents have been married 41yrs, I have never even had friends who were part of a divorce, split family. I give them as much support as I can and I know 13 is a difficult age. We have a GAL that I had my attorny fight for, so I am hoping maybe some of the truth will come out and she will not be so mean to me when I talk to her when she is over there.

[i_luv_volleybal]

I am a 13 year old girl right now, so I know what she is going through since my parents are also divorces (since I was 3). When I am at my dads I am like an angel usually and when I am at my moms I am horrible to her, I don't no why I think I blame her because my dad cares about my sister more than me , I know this because they put a family portrate of the family without me and I says family forever, and its in our living room so whenever we have guests they see it. Does your daughter act nice when she wants something then once she gets it she is basically a brat again? I know I am, I blame the divorce on my parents and why I act so bad because I don't exactly get along with my step-dad. I love my mom very much and I guarantee so does your daughter, she has more respect for you then you may think... When I talk to my mom about my dad it always brings tears because he always says bad things about her and on the other hand my mom is always just agrees what I say about him. I always feel so angry at my dad because he is never there to support me for my school achievements and my sports. He always uses the excuse ill come next time Mckinleigh (1 year old sister)has something that time and then he never shows up the next time. This is my story.
~K<3