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helpme1974 · Aug 6, 2007, 11:03 AM

O.K. people I need your help. I am in a 13 yeard old marriage that is dying... I love my husband and always will.We have two children.My husband spends most of his time working, fishing and playing paint ball with his friends.We haven't gone out together in a year.We never spend time together.He never spends time with the kids or me.I never spend anytime out of the house I watch the kids while he is out playing every single weekend.It has been like this for years.It has come to the point where I have scheduled a counseling session for myself to try and figure out what to do with my marriage.I want to do the right thing for me whatever that is... At the same time I have recently been reunited, using myspace,with my first boyfriend from 1990.We have only talked on the telephone ( every night for three months for hours)The one that was my first true love, my virginity was lost... The guy that you never forget because he was THE ONE.We had a VERY intense rtelationship and we were broke up by my parents forcing us to break up. I never said goodbye to him.I was never really finished with him and he me.So here I sit with my husband on one side Failing marriage and my old high school sweetheart on the other side.Who by the way treats me like gold listens to me still the sweetest thing in the world.He makes me feel like I can do anything.I love him still and talking to him again has brought all these feelings back.He wants me to leave my husband and give us a chance.I am so lost at this point... I want to take that jump, that leap and start over again so badly with the one I truly love that I was suppose to be with... But I have children and a spouse and I don't know how to fix this... Advice from anyone would be fantastic.I will love the old boyfriend no matter what I do and I will always love my husband because of the history we have. Divorce is something I never thought I would do... HELP.

jrb252000 · Aug 6, 2007, 11:24 AM

You and your husband should go to counseling together. It would be beneficial for a 3rd party to hear both sides of the story. You sound like you are in a rut. Have you talked to your husband about how you feel? Maybe one weekend you can try to take a family vacation or even better leave the kids with someone and you and your husband try to reunite the spark in your marriage.
If this doesn't work and you all divorce I wouldn't be so quick to jump back in a relationship with anyone. Your kids will also need time to heal as well as yourself.
I wouldn't be messing around with this ex boyfriend, I'm sure he is a nice guy and all but for not seeing him for such a long time you all probably have grown apart. He is catching you at a vulenerable time. If you all wanted to be together so bad after your parents made you break up I'm sure you would have found a way.
Good luck to you.

LearningAsIGo · Aug 6, 2007, 12:05 PM

You didn't get closure in 1990 when you had to break up, so you've been curious ever since. Now, your infatuated and you've spent time on the phone... are you having an emotional affair? I'm curious; is he married?

You probably had a deep love and understanding of this man in the PAST. No matter how much you've talked and typed to each other, you still don't know him that well anymore; its been a long time and you've both changed. If he's such a good friend, I would ask him over to dinner with your family. Once you had some one-on-one time, you could really get to know him again and he could meet (and respect) your family life. ;) Right now, it sounds like you want a relationship vs. a friendship. Be FRIENDS again!

Do not ruin your marriage over a few phone calls and a man that obviously has no respect for your marriage. Asking you to leave your husband is immature and selfish of him to do. It sounds like both you and hubby have hit a "lull" in the relationship. Try spending the time and effort on your husband that you've been showing your old friend.

Your marriage deserves another chance (with counseling) before you leave it behind for any old boyfriend of the past.

helpme1974 · Aug 6, 2007, 12:57 PM

OK to answer your question he has been married just like me and felt the same way I did of my spouse about his spouse and they had other problems.He is in the middle of divorcing her.So yes he is married but will not be soon.He and I were meant to be together and it still feels that way.I have asked my husband numerous times to give me more attention, any attention.None has been given.

jrb252000 · Aug 6, 2007, 01:03 PM

If you are that unhappy then I guess you need a divorce. You seem to have it set in your mind that you were meant to be with him. You are making it so that unless you are with this guy you will be unhappy.
I would at least wait till both of you are divorce before starting to date. Keep in my your children might not be happy with the situation.

LearningAsIGo · Aug 6, 2007, 01:10 PM

I guess I can't understand the mentality that you were meant to be together. I guess then you would have been without leaving your spouse.

It sounds like you've already made up your mind, so like jrb said, keep your children in mind if you pursue this. If you were meant to be together, it can wait until the divorce is final and the kids are okay with mom dating again. (If he has any children, keep them in mind as well. Its not easy when parents divorce)

dcole · Aug 7, 2007, 11:34 PM

Sweety - you have too many things going on here and you can't deal with them all at once! And it sounds as though your ex-bf has a lot going on his life too. Take a step back and deal with one thing at a time - but be true to your spouse and your heart. You'll be singing with Joanie Mitchell "... don't it always seem to go - you don't know what you've got til it's gone ..." Oh so true Joanie, so true.

First take the time to deal with your marriage and see if it can be saved. And don't base this on some fantasy that you have about what life would be like with your ex-bf! Chances are, you'd experience the same "mundaneness" with the ex after the novelty wears off. Remember - you'll be trading in one set of problems and issues with another. Counselling sounds like the best option... and your honesty will be liberating here.

If you've done all that you can do to re-kindle your marriage and it isn't working... well then, it's still not time to get into a relationship with your ex. That's time for you to heal your heart, re-evaluate and re-establish yourself as an INDIVIDUAL. If you don't, you won't have much to offer a new partner.

By the way, sounds like your ex-bf has the same steps to go through.

I hope that you can take a step back and simplify your life a little by dealing with things one at a time.

PS - I'm not judging you... I actually identify with you and your situation in too many ways. Good luck.