[susiechat]

I have been married to the same man for 30 years. We haven't slept in the same bed for 6 years. He claims I snore too much. We have had sex maybe 3 times in those years. I think he has erection problems even though he has never talked about itl All he ever does is make remarks about the weight I have gained to run down myself esteem. I have gained some weight but I an not an unattractive woman. HE is 7 yrs old than me and he does have a mental isssue with getting older so it seems he does everything he can to put me down. He has taken up the hobby of refiinishing old cars and cars shows and stuff. That's all he does. Can't even have a conversation with him unless he talks of cars. I am so unhappy and lonely that I don't know what to do. He now says he doesn't love me and he doesn't want to be with me. Hard pill to swallow after all these years. Can't imagine myself without him but I am tired of being lonely too. Don't know what to do. Now he spends all of his time looking for a Harley. I need more of a life than this but I still love him. I have been married to this fool since I was 19 and know no other life than him and our 2 sons which are grown. After I dedicate myself to raising a family for him and giving up career chances for him now I am not enougth for him? This is pretty cruel. Please help. I am 49 and he is 56. Our family has been our life and now the boys are gone and married and we have 2 grandson and I am cute enough but not like 25 he has the problem and makes it that its me. I know better and I need to do something. And its not about getting another man cause I love the one that I have but if this is what it is I would rather be alone.

[tickle]

Oh, susie, my heart goes out to you. You don't say how old each of are so I am assuming between 50 and 60 ( did the math).

Just let him go his own way and wallow in self pity, and seek his ultimate Harley. I hate to say this but yours is not a new story and you are probably going to have to work at it if you want to be with him for the next 25 years or so. Yes, I know, YOU! When was the last time you two were on a vacation together ?

And where are these two sons you two raised, do they not see where this is going, and can't they get involved (you my have to talk to them). They may want everyone unhappy because it reflects on them after all.

Think about it, it needs work!

[PamelaAnn077]

Well, I don't think your two grown sons need to be involved in any of this. I'm not a fan of bringing kids into a marital problem. It just stirs things up and causes them to have to make a choice of whose side they'll be on... never a good place to put your kids. They need to remain out of it all and very neutral since I'm sure they love both their mom and dad (maybe not all their behavior, but certainly who they are as parents).

Your husband is very clearly having a mid-life crisis and who knows what's going through his head? He may have medical problems (of a sexual nature) and just can't face that. If so, it may be that he feels a loss of power and control due to impotence. Power in other ways, besides sex, sometimes comes to folks in the form of cars and speed and control. This may be what's happening with him, I don't know. Regardless, he has no right to put you down and undermine who YOU are. I'm sure this is a very difficult place for you to be in and, like Tickle said, it's an age-old story, unfortunately (not to diminish your particular situation in any way) At this juncture in your life, I think you need to do what's best for your mental health. Hopefully you have some funds of your own to make some decisions with. The ideal solution, of course, would be for you both to get some marital counseling, but if he's unwilling to do this, then you by all means should go by yourself. This will help you get your future priorities, options and goals clarified and help you decide to do what you need to... for your own sake. All the best...

[PamelaAnn077]

I hear you Susie... you want him to wake up and BE with you and your family. I don't blame you! You guys have a lot of time and history together and it's obvious you still love him very much. That's one reason I suggested counseling (for you, if not for the both of you). Counseling should help you get to the point where you know you can only work on, and change, yourself, not your husband. No matter how much you desire him to be different.. perhaps the way he was before... it won't happen until HE decides to make a move (get medical help, mental health help, talk with you, etc. etc.) I know that's exceedingly frustrating, but it's impossible to change anyone else's heart or mind regardless of our best intentions. (I know you know this... ) It's interesting because in the couples counseling I do, I have seen many wives come alone initially because their husband's were unwilling, but then they decide to come eventually, too. Sometimes this is because they sense a change in the wife's attitude toward the marriage... or the wife decides to invest time in herself and others rather than concentrate on the husband... or, or, or... but this is something I've seen again and again.

[Mockinbird]

My parents went through something similar. They ignored the relationship and stayed together for us kids... I was the youngest and saw the tension grow as I approached the age to leave home. Dad felt he could do better... Mom felt like a toy no longer wanted. Cast aside after years of devotion. She spoiled my Dad and he didn't realize until one day he put her down one too many times. She threatened to leave and he said... Leave! She did. He explained to me he was a single man now and wasn't looking back... he hit the bars.. found a girl and slept with her before a week had passed. Dad had a fantasy world he thought he was still a commodity as when he was twenty. He would have all this freedom without Mom as a millstone around his neck holding him back. He found out all too soon how lonely and empty his life was without her. Even when they first broke up he was worried about how Mom was doing... and not just for egos sake. Dad came to his senses, but it took all the people he thought was friends turning on him and supporting my Mom for him to realize he was the fool. He begged her to take him back... she did. They discovered WHY they loved one another all over again. They decided to retire. Went on a few cross country trips and FINALLY worked on their relationship. You can't let children distract you from dealing with a relationship. A couple cannot go into the deep freeze while the kids grow up and suddenly restart when they leave the nest. You will not know each other well if that happens. Unfortunately two years after Mom and Dad got back together Dad found out he had Cancer. They gave him two weeks. He held on for two years with Mom at his side. It drained a lot out of Mom, it left her alone for the first time as she was in her late fifties. She is now 70. Never has even dated another Man. Dad was the love of her life. She still has questions he never answered, she just cannot seem to let go. My advice to new couples. You start a single person. If you CHOOSE to share your life with someone, then don't expect you can ignore the relationship like a cactus plant. It's a Orchid that needs attention and love to survive. Someday the kids will leave... when that happens you should know who that person is wearing your ring. You are NEVER guaranteed that retirement or vacation later in life together. Your life together is NOW! My heart goes out to SuzieChat. It may take you risking everything to let go for you to be able to hold on to him. I think you need to let him go if he wants to go. True, he may not come back. That's not so bad really if he doesn't love you. If he does come back you will benefit if he comes to his senses and realizes his folly. Don't be bound to a relationship without LOVE. Life is too short. Love is essential. My prayers go out to you. Pray for GODS guidance in this... you will find Love.