[km7165]

Hello,OK here I go.I have been in a loving relationship with a man I have loved for more than 20 years now.The problem is with his children.They constantly come between us to get their father and I to fight because they are jealous of our happiness.I have done all I can to help them over the years and yet they seem to blame me for everything.They are always calling me out of my name and deliberitely doing so.They are 18 and 17 year old boys who are very abusive to their own mother,verbally,metally and sometimes physically.
Their father cannot admit that his boys are a problem because either he isn't man enough to do so,or he is afraid to stick up for me and hurt their feelings.He says one thing to them and another to me all the time and this causes an uproar,as you can imagine.I feel hurt,disgusted and betrayed when these things occur behind my back.I have raised these boys for 7 years in the past because their mother didn't want them.Now since they are with their mother for the last 4 years,they took a turn for the worse.My feelings toward the both of them are non existent because of all the pain I have endured from them.Am I to blame as they say?I am only voicing my opinion as I should.Their father does as he wishes regardless of what I say.I am sick of the hurt and I am tired of them both using us.We are constantly used for anything and everything,and because I am smart enough to see it and admit it I'm the one who is a ""yea,all the time.These boys are and have been left do whatever they please in the last 4 years since going to their mother,and she hates me also but pretends to like me to my face.Yes, we have had our differences over the years like others but she is just as bad.Please help!! I need some advice,do I turn away and ignore it all or do I continue to stand up for me?

[tickle]

Seems you are banging your head on a brick wall. If these boys are that old then you could basically wash your hands of them, they live with their mother, right, so that leaves you and your husband on your own. Ban them from the house, don't see her or talk to her, just move yourself mentally away from the whole mess and probably physically as well if you can manage it.

I guess, standing up for you hasn't gotten you very far.

There is no reason at all why you should have to interact with any of them. Now the hard part is initiating this change and just ignoring them. Good luck.

[PamelaAnn077]

The bigger problem in your story is that your partner of 20 years won't take your side against his abusive sons. How could you ban the boys from your house if their father welcomes them? I can't see that working, even though it's a nice thought! It's important that the father work WITH you to put down a few boundaries with the sons. These don't have to include a total banishment from your lives (probably unrealistic given your partner's attitude) but there DO need to be some guidelines and restrictions. Perhaps if you choose just a few boundaries (at first), your partner will go along with them and support you in them. If the TWO of you together can decide on those few initial boundaries, you can present a united front to the boys. Otherwise, you and your partner will simply be working against each other and no good result will be had. You need to let your partner know just how much this situation upsets you... even going so far as giving an ultimatum (for example, you will not be abused by these boys any longer or you'll need to back away from the relationship, etc. etc.) Being tough by yourself hasn't worked, as Tickle pointed out, so you need to do something different.

[s_cianci]

You need to lay it on the line with your boyfriend. He is the culpable one here as he is allowing these boys to manipulate you and their parents. For whatever reason he tolerates their behavior. What their mother does is beyond his control because she is not part of his household. Incidentally, are you cohabitating with your boyfriend? However, he can and should lay down the law when it comes to yours and his relationships with them. I think an ultimatum is called for here. You insist that he make his boys treat the two of you with respect whenever they are in your presence ; otherwise they are not welcome in his (and your?) home. If he will not take this stand then you say goodbye and it's over. It might be different if the boys in question were 7 and 8, but at their ages they are practically adults and there is no reason for them not to be cordial and respectful to the two of you. Your boyfriend needs to man up and set his priorities straight. If he won't then you really don't want to stay in a relationship with him.

[talaniman]

How can you stick around this abuse? I would have been long gone and found a happy spot on this earth a long time ago.

[talaniman]

km7165 agrees: The boys turned on me when they went to live with their mother 4 years ago,she is so jealoues of me.It isn't my husbands fault that they are this way.Thank you

It is your husbands fault that they abuse and disrespect you, and nothing is done about it.