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Williams925 · Jul 17, 2007, 05:52 PM

Ive been with my fiancé for about 2 1/2 years now. When we were together for 5 months he had a one night stand with an ex. I didn't find out about it for months later.. and when I did find out I took it hard. Now it doesn't bother me nearly as much... but I still think in my head.. why did he do it? Was it because he wanted her and not me? Or what? And it eats me up inside. So I want some input from an outsider on our situation.. y u think he did it and if you think it was understandable? So here's the story... pretty much as soon as we started dating a girl he was previously dating was trying to get back together with him. He would show me the texts she would write him and he would always tell her that he was with me now. All 3 of us worked together at the time so she tried all the time to become closer and closer to him as friends. He never hid any of this from me. But he never actually confronted her to leave him alone... he says he would just try to avoid her because he didn't want to hurt her. We got into a lot of arguments over it. And one night I became infuriated with the situation and I told him that I want a break and I don't know if I want to get back together with him or not. (I wanted him to think, well I better tell this girl off or else I'm going to lose the love of my life). But that's not what happened. That's the night he had a one night stand with his ex. He says he was upset about the break up at work and his ex was talking with him about it and asked if they could take a ride in his car after work to talk about it. So he agreed. And after some talking about the break up, she made her move on him, he went with it. They both say that they made out for a couple minutes, she took her clothes off and crawled into the backseat and he followed. They had sex for no more than 5 minutes and then he stopped and put his clothes back on. She asked what's wrong? He just told her nothing and he told her home. He said he stopped because it didn't feel right, he didn't have feelings for her and all he could think about was me and how much he loved me. They never hooked up again. We got back together the next day. That day his ex told him that she's in love with him, he told her that he wanted to stay with me. His ex stalked us for months... and eventually told me what happened. Both of them say the same story.. she admits that she came on to him, and that he stopped. But my question is... why did he even want to have sex with her in the first place?? Does anyone get it? Because I don't! Was it a rebound thing? Did he think it would make him feel better? Or do you think he wanted her not me? I really want to get past this.. it has done some major damage to my confidence! Thanks!

Williams925 · Jul 17, 2007, 06:02 PM

I just wanted to add that about 2 weeks before he had the one night stand I had an abortion. Both of us took it hard.. seemed like the thing to do at the time but after it was said and done we both regreted it and he thought I got it so I didn't have to be with him. He cheated around the most difficult part of our relationship.. could this be why he cheated? Now we live together, everything is good, and we are expecting a baby girl in 7 weeks! I just want some answers so I can feel better about myself and so I can trust him 100% again. Thanks

Inspired · Jul 18, 2007, 05:04 AM

Well,
Techniacally you guys were broken up when he had the one night stand. Even if you were only broken up for half of the day, he went out and slept with her because he was upset. He obviously felt bad and that's why he stopped. But he felt bad and stopped even though he knew that you broke up with him. I think he seems like a good guy. Its unfortunate he didn't stop seeing her as a friend until it got out of hand. That's unfortunate. I don't think you should worry about it. He seems like a good guy but I don't think he handled the situation with her very well. Men don't like confrontation and maybe that's why he kept her there as a friend because he didn't think she was a threat.

Fr_Chuck · Jul 18, 2007, 05:08 AM

I will never try and justify cheating, it is wrong and it is bad. But it does sound like he was hurt, and mad and many things that do cause men to cheat, and cheating with an ex is often easier and sometimes just happens. He goes to actually just talk because he feels he needs a friend, and some of the old passion comes back. Often he regrets it more than he will ever say.

But if you have worked though it, and have forgiven him, and have moved on, I would say he will not happen again.

GoldieMae · Jul 18, 2007, 05:34 AM

Wow, that is a lot for both of you to go through. I think it is time to let it go and to forgive. From what you say in your post, it sounds like he wanted to be with you but had hit a low point in his life. It happens. His decision to stay clear of her to be with you tells you that he wants to be with you. People, men and women, do stupid things to hurt otherwise strong relationships with people they really love when they hit an emotional low point.

A little side story about me that may help. I am married to a man I've known my whole life. We married as teenagers. Nine years into the marriage, we hit a major low point in the relationship. He started seeing someone else. I left him, immediately jumped back into the deep end dating pool, filed for divorce, and divorced. We both came to realize it is possible to forgive after infidelity, and have since remarried. Even though it still hurts a lot to think about, I have this wonderful husband who I know loves me with all his heart, a beautiful little girl, and a good life. But I had to forgive him to get that. We've been married a total of 13 years if you don't count the three year period it took us to tie the knot after divorce, but 16 years since that first marriage.

Forgiving is really hard to do, but you can't let what happened get in the way of the potential for a life long fulfilling relationship with the man you love.

Williams925 · Jul 18, 2007, 06:11 AM

Thanks everyone. This really helped me a lot!

talaniman · Jul 18, 2007, 06:39 AM

I think he was feeling very bad at the time, and wanted to feel good, but it didn't work that way. He handled the rejection he felt very badly, but he knows that now, and since you have worked through it, I wouldn't dwell on it, if you can see he is trying.

emopunk7 · Jul 18, 2007, 02:02 PM

As long as he is trying and has not messed up again, be happy with him and love him for showing that he cares and love him for being him and understanding that he messed up. If you accepted him after that all this time, it would be crazy to throw it in his face at any time especially since he hasn't done it again and is proving to you that he does care for you and that he does love you. Embrace him and your life and don't worry so much. Worrying never did anybody any good!

Williams925 · Oct 9, 2007, 06:34 AM

Hey everyone... I have some news that I need some advice on. My above post was just what I knew of his affair at the time. But he has admitted to me his true feelings on this so I wanted to share it with everyone. First off- I first posted that this girl was his ex.. but they really weren't ever technically bf/gf before me.. they were talking and dating for about a month. This is before me and him met. Anyways-- he tells me now that at the time he was in love with me, but also liked her. He says he had a little crush on her. And that I kept threatening to break up with him so he did what he wanted. He says that since at the time we were having problems and fighting and she would always be there to talk to him about it he would think "i wonder if i was with Meghan (we'll just call her that) if things would be different..be better". So I asked him that if he liked her than why did he stop having sex with her a few minutes into it? And he says "because it didnt feel right, i thought about you the whole time, and all i felt was guilt". And then he said that he realized then how much he needs me and only wants me and how much he loved me. But then a couple days after this- he sends her a text telling her that he wants to be with her! So she tells him that she loves him.. he didn't say it back though (she told me). But then she told him that she thinks he should stay with me but if things don't work out then they would get together. AND HE AGREED! She told me that even though she loved him, she knew how much he loved me since he had to stop while they were having sex so she told him to be with me.
This is another thing he said to me that really killed me inside.. he said "inside i liked her, but i knew she didnt want anything serious". So does that make me second?? What if she did want something serious? He would have left me? He says no. He says he was just really confused and didn't know what to do. This happened about a year and a half ago... but I found out a year ago. I forgave him at the time because I thought he did it out of hurt and for revenge. (I can accept that better than if he did it because he had feelings for her!) but now I don't know if I can forgive him. I mean- aside from this we are great. We are just alike, we have sooo much fun together, and a lot of love for each other. This I know. And he treats me like a queen.. cooks for me, pampers me, surprises me all the time (once I went to the gym and I came back and he had a bubble bath ready for me with candles lit and rose pedals everywhere). And he always does things like that for me. Everyone that knows us tells me how much they can tell that he loves me. But this whole thing is eating away at my heart and myself confidence is destroyed. He cries to me telling me that he is so sorry and that he has been trying to make up 4 it and prove himself to me. I told him that I wish he could feel the pain I feel right now.. and he says "i've felt that pain since i hurt you.. i felt that pain for the longest time". All he wants to do is move forward but I am stuck in the past. I have a daughter that he has accepted as his own and we just had a little girl together. This cheating thing is the ONE flaw in our relationship.. but that one flaw is big enough to potenitally destroy us. What do you all think I should do? Leave or stay? And if you think I should stay then what can I do to make myself move on and feel better?

talaniman · Oct 9, 2007, 07:28 AM

Why leave, when you want to stay? Work it out! That is what relationships are about. You don't have anything better to do? Talk and listen, communicate and work together.

icecream · Oct 9, 2007, 08:16 AM

work it out!! seems like a pretty goiod guy I guess for telling u in the first place. Feel me?

Williams925 · Oct 10, 2007, 07:05 AM

Well does it seem to anyone that I was his second choice? Because if that's how he felt than I definitely want to leave him!! What do you think? And if I do stay how can I move past it? I know we will never discuss it again because he refuses to now... anything I ask he says I don't know or I can't remember.

kirriky · Oct 10, 2007, 09:04 AM

I guess he refuses to talk about it because he thinks a lot of time has passed already, and he can't take it any longer. It's about time you moved on - or broke up for sanity's sake.

And that sex thing, it wasn't really cheating, was it? Most likely, he truly believed you had dumped him.

Were you the second choice? Well obviously not, if you had been the second, he would have tried ''megan'' first, and if didn't work, he'd have come back to you. But he wanted to stay with you, didn't he?

In any case.. what does it matter if you were first or second? The beginnings are not always perfect, people don't usually fall madly in love at the first sight. It's normal to want to go slowly, to have doubts, to have various option. What does matter is that he loves you and cares for you, decided to stay with you, had a kid with you, adopted your other kid, didn't get annoyed or repelled by your need to revel in that 'cheating' thing but instead tried to prove himself to you.

I mean, come on, bubble baths and roses, him professing his undying love for you.. what else do you want? Would you leave your kids without a dad just because of the 'was I first or second choice' thing?

Homegirl 50 · Oct 10, 2007, 09:52 AM

I don't know,I see this differently. This guy seems weak or something. If you are in a relationship with one woman you don't keep texting your ex. If you know your woman has a problem with it, you tell your ex to chill. And please! He got with his ex because he wanted to . Plain and simple.
He must have some kind of feeling for this woman cause he can't seem to leave her alone.
IMO, you can't let this go because your instincts are telling you not to.

THATguy23 · Oct 10, 2007, 01:51 PM

Some similar happened to me with my girlfriend, we weren't on a break, but it was a week when I told her I needed more time to myself because I was real busy with school.

When I found out, I broke up with her. Then I got back with her and broke up with her again.

Now, we're back together again... it still bothers me like crazy that she let that happen, but if I love her I just have to get over it and believe her when she says she knows she made a mistake and will never let it happen again.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 10, 2007, 02:19 PM

I think if you can't get over it, or deal with what he did, leave him. Why put yourself and him through this.

Williams925 · Oct 10, 2007, 04:04 PM

Well the thing is that they were "talking" for about a month 4 months before me and him got together.. and the reason why they stopped talking is because she just ignored him and went back to her ex. 4 months later me and him got together and it kind of was love at first sight... as soon as we kissed each other we fell for one another. And it wasn't even a casual relationship at all.. even in the beginning. He told me he was in love with me only a couple weeks into the relationship, he even surprised me with a new top of the line cell phone and said that he would pay the bill for me when we were together for only 3 weeks. 2 months into the relationship he asked me to move in with him.. I said no because at the time I wanted to be married before I moved in with someone... and he replied "i dont know what im thinking.. its kinda crazy.. but lets get married then". And after that he would always talk to me about getting married. So this wasn't casual.
She was the one that started to call and text him again. At first he ignored her... then when she wouldn't stop texting he told her that he has a girlfriend now. So she decided to get a job where me and my boyfriend were both working at the time. At first it was no big deal.. she would work evenings he would work mornings. But then his boss changed his schedule to work evenings. So we began to fight about this girl... she made it known that she wanted him and I wasn't comfortable with them working together. So this combined with the stress and hurt we felt from the abortion made for a lot of fighting. And I admit I would threaten to end it with him a lot... and he would beg for me to stay. Yes I know.. I was a . And this girl was always offering him her shoulder to cry on. So do you think its understandable that he developed feelings for her again?
And yes I know that he wanted to hook up with her... but he did stop. Do you think he felt that since I didn't want to be with him he would try something with her, but felt nothing so he stopped? I mean why stop once you start?
I know how much he loves me... but just thinking of the images in my head drive me crazy.
Oh and also he is really insecure.. don't know if that has anything to do with it.

talaniman · Oct 10, 2007, 04:21 PM

More facts do make a difference as this moved so fast, that neither of you took time to see how to proceed. Is it to late to slow this train down? If you don't, you are heading for more of the same. You both should leave each other alone, and get your acts together, before trying to do what neither of you knows anything about, thinking before you act on intense emotions.

Williams925 · Oct 10, 2007, 04:51 PM

Well we have been together for 2 1/2 years now. We moved in together after being together for about 7 or 8 months. He cheated months before we moved in together. And we aren't rushing marriage or anything now.. I mean we pretty much are married anyway. I think I'm going to take an entire week to just think about everything by myself to make my decision. And if I do decide to stay I know that I can never mention this to him again.

Homegirl 50 · Oct 10, 2007, 05:02 PM

You guys jumped head on into this relationship way too fast. And for this guy to really like this girl one minute and be wanting to marry you after a couple of weeks. I think he just wants to be with somebody.
You start seeing each other he loves you after a couple of weeks, you move in together after a couple of months, have an abortion and then have a child, everything moves fast with you two.
My guess is that it is a relationship that was built on insecurity and fantasy and was full of suspicion and anger. Not much to work with.