[silentecho13]

Hi hon...

Look, I'm 20 years old. I got married at 19. My marriage is also falling apart (after almost a year 1/2). My husband used to blame my temper for it and I willingly went and got rape counseling (another story) because I wanted to improve my behavior and help our marriage. Since I've talked to my counselors about what happened a few years ago and dealt with that shadow my temper is gone and I'm back to the way I felt before that happened (aside from marriage issues). I took care of the one thing he always blamed our problems on. He even admits that he can see that I've come so far so quick with it. You know what keeps happening though? The things he would say and do (I'm not talking stuff like leaving socks on the floor or forgetting to call) that frustrated me so much in the first place to the point I chose not to focus on controlling my temper (I would throw my phone, book, pillow I was holding and then leave the room and I've slapped him twice). Technically I was being abusive when I would do that. I don't hide it nor deny it. It was my choice to let myself get like that. But on the flip side, just because I chose to do that doesn't justify how he behaves and vice versa if the behavior is abusive. My husband is emotionally abusive. He doesn't want to see it and always claims that he doesn't have any problems. Or if I go to leave he'll beg and say how sorry he is. But he still doesn't get help nor put into practice what I literally beg him to do. Right now I'm going through trying to decide how long I should wait around for him to step out of denial. The longer I wait without him changing for himself and our marriage the further into denial I go.

There's a difference between him and I. We've both been abusive. But I chose to accept that I had been and do what it took to figure out how to change it and follow through. He is stuck on the fact that he thinks he would never be abusive to even just see what he's doing unless he's wanting something from me like not leaving him (which isn't really seeing that's manipulating- abuse). I'm telling you as someone that had serious issues that came out in anger: don't believe him until he actually takes care of the problem. If he's like that when he drinks (woo hoo my mother in law) then he shouldn't drink plain and simple. As just hinted my mother in law gets violent when she drinks. She admits she has a problem, but she hasn't taken care of it. She uses it as a crutch to get by without dealing with life and her family enables it.

Physical abuse is the most obvious abuse. It leaves broken objects and bruises. I don't care how drunk he is: physically harming anything is wrong. If he really cared about the fact that he's being abusive rather than his own pride he would take care of it. When I was throwing objects as I stormed out of the room I kept thinking what am I doing? How do I stop this? I looked into it and took care of it because I could see it was wrong and that it needed to stop. It took me a couple weeks alone to process that I had been abusive when I started looking into it. I'd always just thought of it as a hormonal or emotional thing affecting my temper. No. Being abusive and letting go of control is a choice. And if that choice gets made with impairment the drug should be completely removed. If he doesn't make the choice to get help and change you can't make him.

I know how hard it is to want it so badly for someone to see what they're doing you'll beg, come back, give them a million and one "second chances" - the whole time hoping this time you'll get through to them. I'm trying to stop doing that with my own husband at this very moment because he doesn't want to change. But you know what? You're using his behavior as a crutch to not move on with your own life. You're 19 for heaven's sakes! I'm only a year older than you and I'm still just like 19?! Honey, we both have our whole lives ahead of us. The fact alone that you even posted shows that you want to leave for good but you're still hoping for someone to tell you how to finally get him to just see and change. The fact that I'm even looking at this says the same about me ;).

Trying to change someone for ourselves is so disrespectful to them. It's obvious he has problems that he should change for himself. And if he can't change them for himself he won't change them for you. That's just the cold hard truth. My husband will not change for me, he's made it very clear. That is who he has decided to be. I need to finish telling my emotions to be respectful of who he is and let him chose who he is going to be. That doesn't mean I have to spend my life around it though. No one HAS to put up with being abused. I don't care what faith you follow, your age, gender, whatever! NO ONE DESERVES ABUSE! If you really love him let him make his decision about who he is going to be and leave him to it. The best way you can help him is to end it. He doesn't care about you, he cares about having control of you. That's what causes anger. The feeling of not being in control of your life and situations. He's addicted to needing to feel control whether it "only" happens when he drinks or not. I know it hurts to hear that and it'll hurt more when you realize it. But, sadly, that's reality. He's not going to pull some magical Disney transformation and change. If he wanted to he would have already. Nothing you can do anymore will help other than leaving him. You deserve a better life.

[GoldieMae]

Run from this man, and fast. There is no such thing as pushing a man until he breaks to the point of being allowed to hit you. And same goes for a woman. Hitting is a deal breaker.

You are nineteen. Once you hit 21, the whole entire world will open up for you. You will meet a new man no problem. I've never heard of a nineteen year old old maid. They don't exist. Going to college is a great way to meet nice guys.

But before you worry about meeting someone new, end the relationship, get counseling, and feel better about yourself. You really need to look out for yourself.

[freaked out]

Man girl I go through the same thing with my husband of 9 years I was 16 and he was 21 and now 9 years later same old same old story always going to be the same and now I am going to finally have the strength to leave him after he just dragged me from a car about 3 blocks and I almost died so I understand what you are going thorugh I have been on here for a while asking for help about mew and my husband he does not drink but he is additicted to pain killer and smokes weed 24 hours a day and we have 2 small babies and he will not keep a job and oh my god when I hear it from someone els I feel so dumb and you should too if he hurts you honey please leave before it is too late and I know how you are feeling you are reading thisa but your still thinking "well he might change " no honey he will not please forget him and move on with your life and be happy I am only 23 now and I have 2 beautiful kids and I am going to start over it is going to be the hardest thing I think I will ever do but I finally realized that he is not it I hope you do realize that before he dragges you from a car or something worse... good lucj HUN

[amber_gilbert]

To make things worse, I did something really stupid last night. I went to his apt. and we... you get the picture I just was so lonely and I missed him so much, I just wish I never met him!!

[talaniman]

I think you had better take the time to figure what it is you want. If you need help a pastor or professional can help you through this process.

[freaked out]

Leave baby it is not worth it please believe me I have been through it I know it is hard I am still having a hard time but you will be happier

[paunash]

Talk to him and ask if he wants divorce. If he does, divorce him, you be free woman, sooner or later you will find somebody. You really should believe more in yourself and you deserve more than this unresponsible guy.

[Kattalover]

he used to be, but now hes only angry all the time, i dont know how to make this better

You can't make him better. Only he can do that. By staying with him and trying to please him you're only giving out the message that there is something wrong with you, not with him or his behavior. Don't fall into that trap! Alcoholism and physical abuse are HIS problems to work on, not yours.

However, I have a feeling the answer to the question why you "can't find a nice guy" can be found in your family history and your own past.

[jalmarshtri]

Ok well your young enough to move on... Don't waste any more of your precious life worrying about him.. you have your whole life ahead of you to look forward too.. If a man hits you, talks down to you then he is not the right person.. Thank God it sh=ounds as though you have no children.. stay strong..
Good luck

[Just Human]

Abuse is typically cyclical, things will be OK and then bad and then there is the make-up and it repeats. Over time the "OK" times diminish... and then the make-up time diminishes... Over 80% of abused women return to their abusers, typically husbands and boyfriends. You can want him to change, but he needs to be the one. And he needs to see it.

I know it feels like the end of the world. I know you hurt and think you can fix this. YOU do not deserve abuse and it's NOT your fault. He needs to take control of his own behavior and take responsibility. You can beg, please, rationalize, cajole, but it has got to be him.

You are so young and have so much of your life ahead of you. Marriage should be forever, but it takes two healthy people. I know it's so hard to think that there is happiness after this, but your heart will heal.

Do things you love, spend time with your mom, surround yourself with friends and it will get better. Maybe your husband will have an epiphany and realize how important his marriage is, but you cannot pin your life on that -- live your life, be kind to yourself and learn from this experience so you will be ready for a healthy love relationship.

[dcole]

Amber is way too young to be trapped in an unloving marriage! Cut your losses and find yourself... then find true love - elsewhere!

[amber_gilbert]

He is gone. THank you everyone for your wonderful advice, it really helped. I realized that in order for me too heal, I need to get away from him... I still love him and I want the best for him, but I want children someday, and I really don't want them to have a father like I did! My dad was an too, and it screwed my life up. I want my kids to have a loving family , and with him-that won't happen
Thanks again everyone, and god bless!!

[amber_gilbert]

I just wanted to thank everyone for their wonderful advice. And to update, we are divorced and I may have found someone else. He's cute(and military) sweet, treats me with respect, the whole nine yards! Im taking it slow this time, who knows? In a couple years maybe I will be married with a couple kids! I'm not going to make the same mistake twice, I was too young and immature when I married Kory. But, they always say what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, and I've learned and matured from this experience. THANK YOU ALL!!

[freaked out]

I have a question?? Did you really leave him for real? Because I know how you feel and it is so hard to do and do not make the mistake like I did and be with the new guy righ away because it does not fix anything. And really honey how are you doing?

[needsanswers]

I went through the same thing got married when I was 19 and had two kids with him and am now in the process of divorce. If he beat you then leave him! He's not worth trying to fix it. Trust me I know first hand. It's tough and sad but you need to be with someone that loves you and is in love with you and not someone who hurts you. Be strong you can get through it! And there IS someone out there that will love you for the person you are. I stayed with my ex for almost 6 years and put up with too much because I wanted to have the father of my kids around. Don't make the same mistake I did.