[What2Do]

My wife left me 1 month ago. She filed for divorce and moved into an apartment in the same day. We have 2 children and have been married 12 years and together 17 years. She filed once before but we tried to work our problems out. However life happened and she lost her only sister to cancer, I was diagnosed with cancer and she lost 2 grandparents within about 4 months. We both became very depressed. I admit I was very very withdrawn and caught up in my own problems. The short version is that we have been going to counseling but I was so deeply in depression I wasn't able to see the damage happening to us. Since she left we have began dating as individuals and a family. I truly don't want this divorce. We both love each other and are having a great time but she is scared that things will revert back. I understand her point of view. In fact I have been scared as well. We have only talked about the divorce really in the past week. She tells me she believes the divorce is what she wants. She told me she wants to be friends. I don't mind starting as friends if we are working on our marriage. Now we have plans to spend the next 3 days together. Not over night but together a lot. Last weekend we spent 9.5 hrs together on Saturday. I know we feel great with each other. We still go to counseling separately but to the same person. Last night she said she wanted to go out of town for a weekend with the kids and me. I know she isn't a person that would use me or hurt her kids. She has also been counting down days with my son for when she'd come back if I'm still being nice. My son is 7 and I can not see him lying about this for many reasons. I'm just scared at putting myself on the line only to get hurt more. However, if I don't try I have no chance to fix our family. Should I fight for our marriage and family? What is she thinking? Any help would be great. Thanks

[daphnye]

The sad part about divorce is that normally at least one person does not want it. :( Yes, she is probably afraid things will revert as you get more comfortable again. While dating you are putting your best foot forward, and she is probably afraid that will stop once you are together again, but it seems like she is really liking it right now. She will probably want that as long as she can get it, so don't rush her, or force her to make a decision until she's ready. She is going to be scared until you prove this new attitude is here to stay. I have to say though, I really don't like the comment about telling your 7 year old son she'll come back if you're nice. Why involve the children like that?? Why let a 7 year old believe his dad is not nice? There had to be another way of doing that.

[RubyPitbull]

Should I fight for our marriage and family? What is she thinking? Any help would be great. Thanks

First of all, I think you already know that no one can tell you what she is thinking. You know her better than we, who are strangers to you. However, from your description of the situation, it sounds as if your wife has not given up on your marriage but is letting you know that she needs to see you make strides in changing what is causing her to be unhappy living with you. Secondly, you also know you can't force a situation onto someone if they are not willing to do what you want them to do.

Honey, all you can do right now is to continue your dialogue and friendship with your wife as you have been doing. Also continue going to counseling together and separately. If you have stopped the counseling, please go back. This can only help you in understanding and actively make, the changes that your wife is looking for. Your wife may have filed for divorce to get her point across to you that she cannot live the way she was living. You seem to have realized that if you don't make an attempt to adjust the way you have been approaching your marriage with her, you will lose her. Has she signed the paperwork yet? Is she pressing you to sign the paperwork? If not, you need to ignore it for the time being. You don't have to sign the papers if you don't want to. Just spend your time in a more constructive and positive way by focusing on your family and improving your relationship with your wife. Keep in mind that there are people who divorce, continue to work on their relationship, and eventually remarry. Sometimes, losing someone makes a person realize that how important that person actually is to his/her life. This may be the case with your wife.

[What2Do]

Thanks for the advice. I know I can't make her do what I want. I am trying to do what I can to prove myself to her now. It's hard to see the divorce process moving forward and to see her spending time with me at the same time. I'm trying to let my attorney handle the legal aspect of all this and I will focus on the family. I believe if she was 100% done she would have told me by now. My main concern is how this is effecting our children. They see us together and love it. However, they talk to me and want to know why she is doing this divorce if she wants to be with me often. I have no answers for them. I know I can't act as she is when it comes to spending time with me and backing off afterwards. I just give her the space she needs then I come back and try again. I see her pattern of 1 day together and 2 off. This past weekend she spent 2 days together but then our daughter confronted her about what she's doing. Of course she has backed off again. I gave her space and we are slowly talking again. I'll pick up where I left off this week sometime. Anyhow, I appreciate the replies. It really is helpful to me for the support you are providing me during this hard time. You may be strangers but your words are comforting to me. Thanks a lot.

[RubyPitbull]

I find it troublesome that she backs off when her children question her. She needs to find a way to explain herself to her children without bad mouthing you in the process. Are you both still going for counseling? This would be a problem that you might want to raise to the counselor privately so that that he/she can help your wife learn how to communicate better with her children.

I am truly sorry that this has been such a strain on you and your children. It sounds like you are handling this the best that you can, given the circumstances. Stay positive and keep up the good work.

[What2Do]

Yes we are still in counseling but separately. We have seen this counselor jointly and individually until she left. Now we meet individually. I think she is just confused still. My main problem right now is that the kids want me to keep positive and trying for our family but at the same time they are hurt when we are together them my wife says she isn't coming back. She told our counselor maybe in 2 years. Hell in 2 years I'll be moved on. I don't think I can deal with the broken vowels and then get back together again. I feel all trust and respect will be lost. Maybe I'm wrong but time will tell. I just need to find a way to keep my mind from spinning every min of the day. I have a huge hole in my heart where she use to be. Anyhow thanks for the support. I just pray she can find it in her to try with me. I can't give up yet. I have too much love for her.

[What2Do]

Well, my wife and I talked again about the actual relationship again last night. She told me she didn't think she can do this but did talk to me for 30 min. She ended up asking me a lot of questions about my actions over the past 3 years. A lot of focusing around my depression and actions. I kept addressing her feelings and concerns in a positive manor. I know the obstacle I'm facing is that she feels sure our relationship will revert back to trouble. To be honest I'd be stupid to say I don't worry about this either but it's good to be a little scared. I know I want to make the life changes I am required to in order to become a loving husband and father. I know many people tell me patience and to give her time. I'm trying to do this and yes it's hard. I feel we are getting closer to talking more about our issues. We don't just need time together to hang out we need time to confront and resolve our issues. Can I assume that because she is talking with me she isn't done yet? I know she told our counselor she likes the way we are now but is scared of it all going back as it was. Is there anything else I or we can do to resolve this? What about going to a marriage retreat if she would agree to go? I'm just looking for other means to work together and learn what we each need from the other. I admit I'm not too patient. Maybe I just need to relax and keep doing as I am and not push the subject. She is listening to my letters and still calls me. As a man I want everything now but this isn't how life works.

[RubyPitbull]

We don't just need time together to hang out we need time to confront and resolve our issues. Can I assume that because she is talking with me she isn't done yet? I know she told our counselor she likes the way we are now but is scared of it all going back as it was. Is there anything else I or we can do to resolve this? What about going to a marriage retreat if she would agree to go? I'm just looking for other means to work together and learn what we each need from the other. I admit I'm not too patient. Maybe I just need to relax and keep doing as I am and not push the subject. She is listening to my letters and still calls me. As a man I want everything now but this isn't how life works.

Good thing I checked my e-mail before I left the house today.

What2 Do, a marriage retreat is not the answer. You absolutely hit the nail on the head with the first sentence above in the quote I pulled out of your posting, with a slight change in the wording. Confronting and resolving the issues in a rational and logical manner is the only way to BEGIN to heal wounds and move forward in a positive way. I know you are anxious and getting impatient. Honey, you need to work on your impatience. Problems that exist for many years don't get fixed in a couple of months time. You know that. You also know that just talking about your issues doesn't solve the root cause of a problem. You have to accept that the past few years, your wife was talking to you and telling you what was wrong and what she wanted, and you did not adjust your behavior while she was living with you. When she moved out and moved forward with divorce papers is when you finally woke up and realized that you were really going to lose her. How do you think that made her feel? Pretty lousy I expect. To realize that the lines of communication are only open when a person does something as drastic as leaving is very hurtful to a person. Communication and working with your partner when problems arise while you are living together, is the key to a good marriage. And, just saying that you are going to change, making promises, FINALLY being open to really discussing and listening to her after she has moved out, is NOT enough. Honey, you know that old saying, "actions speak louder than words". So far, to her, you are just a talking head. She is afraid that if she moves back in, everything will just go back to the way it was, and that is just not an acceptable way for her to live. Your impatience and pushing her may just make her back off more. You are confusing her, probably annoying her by pressuring her. You need to be able to show her you have made strides through your actions. AND, that is going to take time. In addition, do not allow her to feel that you are putting the children up to putting pressure on her and make her feel even more guilty and unhappy. You may not be doing that, but what is important here is her interpretation of the actions and events that are occurring.

Since you are both going to the same counselor, but going separately, you need to be guided by what the counselor is telling you. That is the person that knows the two of you, knows exactly what your wife's complaints are, what your wife is expecting from you, and will be able to give you constructive help in making the right choices of conduct that your wife is looking for from you. So, just keep reminding yourself that being impatient and putting any type of pressure on your wife about coming home and not divorcing, is just not going to help you here. It will hurt your relationship with her. She is telling you that she needs her space, and as I stated, she needs to see that you are actually making strides. You need to accept that will take time.

[What2Do]

I have been listening to her and not forcing the issue of stopping the divorce like I did at the beginning. I have told her my words mean nothing and all I can do is show her in my actions over time. I continue listening to our counselor and her. I also agree with using the kids in any way to my benefit. I wouldn't do this. Our daughter does confront her a lot but I am not behind this. I know patience isn't something I have much of to be honest. I have my support group in place to help me out. I was glad she called and actually talked with me last night. She did bring up many of the topics that she did over the past 2 years. I don't think she is 100% done and I know there is no other man involved. With listening to our counselor and her the big issue is the fear of repeating the same thing. I will continue to write her and give her space when I know she needs it. I will call usually once a day to at least keep communication open as my counselor said. As you and many others say if she was completely done he wouldn't be talking and coming around me. I will be there when she needs me and keep being supportive. I appriciate your time and support.

[talaniman]

You mentioned depression before and I'm curious as to the therapy and issues of that depression, other than hardship on the marriage.

[What2Do]

Well, here you go. Shortly after getting back together after the last separation her sister (30) had cancer return and ended up taking her life. During this process I was diagnosed with colon cancer I was also 30. I was undergoing treatment while her sister was dying. After her sister passed she lost 2 close grandparents. I had many complications after my surgeries and treatments. The deep depression we where in was also affected by finances and the lack of our ability to be there for each other because we both where so lost in our own issues. Her sister was her only sibling and her closest friend. We just got slammed by life. Neither of us handled our depression right. We did continue counseling through all of this but I admit I just couldn't hear what the two of them where asking me at the time. I don't like using excuses but I just wasn't all there in the head if you understand.

Lately we have continued to talk and go out. I have also been working with our kids to respect their mom and stop their fighting and rage. Our counselor feels she just needs some time to resolve this. So I have my fingers crossed.

[RubyPitbull]

What2Do, it is completely understandable to me why you couldn't be there fully for her. I don't think it was a matter of either one of you "handling" your depressions right. How do you handle depression from something so catastrophic as what you both went through, in a proper and constructive way? We all do the best we can under the circumstances that are handed to us. You were in a position where you were forced to face your own mortality. She had to deal with your illness while going through all those losses of loved ones. So, the normal support system for both of you was taken away at a crucial time in both your lives. You couldn't lean on her, and she couldn't lean on you. I am so deeply sorry that this occurred the way it did. Both of you had terrible burdens to bear. Neither one of you is/was dealing with a depression that is easy to fix.

Your counselor is absolutely right about your wife needing time to resolve this. Although it is hard to take yourself out of your own troubles, your wife probably felt like she was losing her mind. To have so many people you love die, and to be faced with the prospect that your spouse would die, is so overwhelmingly devastating. Lesser things can cause a complete breakdown. Although she may not readily admit to any of this, pulling away and cutting herself off from the emotional tie to you is one of the many ways a person copes with such overwhelming loss. The reasoning being that if she isn't so close to the situation, it won't be as painful a loss as what she went through. Because of what you went through, she will continue to fear that you will die. Remission & clean bills of health from the doctor will help allay her fears over the long run but this is definitely going to take more than a few months.

I am glad that you are working with your children on this. Your wife needs absolutely no pressure and no "neediness" from anyone right now. She needs to find her balance again. When someone has gone through what she went through, clingyness and constant questions can be suffocating and will keep her in a holding pattern. It will be detrimental to her moving forward out of her depression.

For now, keep doing what you are doing and work on yourself and your own needs. I think that it is actually better for your mental health not to be around her 24/7. The separation will give you the time to take care of yourself and the strength to be able to be the support she needs when she requires your attention.

[What2Do]

Thanks for your words. It's hard to explain how important it is to hear this. I have been giving her space when I see she needs it. Her way is to not answer and respond to my calls. All I do is leave a voicemail saying I see you need space and I understand. Give me a call when you are ready. Usually she responds in 6-12 hours when I say this. My concern about talking to her was the fact of putting pressure on her. After talking to my counselor last night she suggested I call her and tell her I want to talk but I don't mean to be pushing. Just to explain I want to communicate my feelings. I did call my wife last night. She seemed very receptive to this. We talked for about 15 min on how I feel. I tried to explain I will address any issues she has when she is ready but I want to focus on our current times together since we continue spending a lot of time together. I didn't mention the divorce at all. I only told her how I enjoy being with her but that it is hard for me to leave her at the end of the day. I told her how I feel more and more love for her and the attraction I am feeling. I didn't come across as sexual and I did make sure she didn't feel this. I did tell her I want to hold her hand when she is ready but that I will not make this move. I will follow up today with a letter reinforcing all of this as my counselor said to. Thanks again for the support. Without friends to talk to this would be too hard for me.

[RubyPitbull]

What 2 Do, I think your counselor is your best hope right now. She knows you both. Definitely listen to whatever she is advising you to do. If she is counseling you both separately, she knows what your wife needs, and what you need to do in helping her through this. She is going to try her best to find the right balance to help you both work your way back to a healthy relationship. I am so sorry you are in such pain over this. But, being patient and understanding what the counselor and your wife are saying to you, taking their direction on how to move forward, is the best thing that you can do for yourself and your wife at the moment. Keep a positive attitude and do what you have to do for yourself and your children.

[dcole]

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through some hard times. I sense that you are fighting the urge to ask your wife to make her decision as soon as possible. How about instead of being too eager for your reconcilliation you give the separation a reasonable time of maybe, say 6 months (or whatever time frame you come up with)? Then you could re-evaluate at that time and decide then whether it's worth the break in your family, whether you should continue trying or come to the conclusion that it's time to move on. This might at least take your focus off this issue and help you focus on the other things you and your wife are working on.

I can't help but mention that it seems pretty harsh that your wife left you because you didn't handle your depression very well while you were sick but I guess we don't know all the details. I understand that she was going through her own rough times but she's hurting the whole family so much - seems extreme to me when you're telling her and showing her that you finally 'get it'. Hmmm... I don't know... that's life huh? I'm sending you, your wife and your children good thoughts.

[What2Do]

Well, I was very withdrawn from everyone during my depression. I accept this fact. I can't dwell on the past. Over the past 2 days I have gone to her to discuss how I feel and some of her issues. Last night our counselor told me of a topic of concern and I immediately went to her and asked that we talk. After an hour of talking we went from the sidewalk to her bedroom talking. Nothing sexual in the bedroom. I only mention it because it’s a personal space. I think it went fine. She is receptive to me talking to her. She did call me after as I requested. I believe it's going good. I listen to our counselor 100%. If she was done why talk to me at all? Anyhow, thanks to the help.

[gbean27]

Dear what2do,

I am in the same position as you, except my kids are 5, and 2. We also are still living together. Listening to your story, I cannot stop seeing the similarities. I am not a patient man either, and unfortunately, I also find it very difficult to understand how we can work on our relationship and issues, while at the same time, she is actively working towards our divorce. She did file for divorce 3 weeks ago. She says the most negative, destructive things to me, when I even mention working things out. However, she has agreed to go with me to counceling- because I want too (not her). My councelor says, that's a positive no matter why she is coming. SHe does still kiss me, and she does cry, when the topic of our relationship comes up. She still wants to attend holiday events together ( her work christmas party), and we've even gone out together, and had a wonderful time. I know she still loves me, but she won't allow herself to feel those feelings right now. And what really scares me is she keeps saying, "It's Over!!!" I'm so scared!! And just letting it go is killing me. I can't eat, sleep, or work. I just keep worrying, and doing the wrong things, even as I continue to work through my problems in counceling, anger management meetings, and reading self help books. My intentions this whole time have always been noble. I've never cheated, or beat her. During arguments... I don't swear, or call her names, but I do yell, I do tell her how SHE SHOULD FEEL, and I do get angry. And I have beat her down with this behavior throughout our relationship. I am committed to changing this bahavior. I never realized what I was doing, until now. GOD is there hope?? I love my wife, and family more than anything in this world.