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    john425's Avatar
    john425 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Jul 10, 2007, 12:26 PM
    New to this, miss my ex and do not know what to do.
    Alright--

    Me and my ex were dating for 11 months before we hit a huge rut.

    During those 11 months we never, ever had a fight (an actual fight) the little arguments were there on certain things, but that is natural.

    I am 20 years old and she is 19. When she moved here we started hanging out and dating right away, of that she really never made friends here, spending about 99% of her free time with me. She always hung out with my friends but never had her own. A guy she has been friends with but never hung out with, she started to hang out with-I was happy for her, she needed people outside of me in her life. That was when things went sour, this guy talked about me and basically ran all over me when she would hang out with him. I got harassing phone calls from him and he also rather was to her. This kind of made me very upset. Never said much for the first week or so, then it continued told her about what was going on and she still wanted to hang out with him so she didn't lose one of her only friends. I started to become more one could say a real jackass to her after that. Our first real fight was over this guy, we took a week break (not really- everything was the same aside from sexual things). Got back to the normal and things were fine for a good two weeks, then this guy comes back picking a fight with me, that pushed me to my limit and got me and my ex into a very bad fight, where we broke up.
    After that for a week it was not like we broke up at all, then I kind of started to turn her away, and still hearing things from this guy and her problems on how he treated her upset me, and I resorted to being an again. We got in arguments over little things, until we decided it was best we gave each other an actual break. 3 weeks later (she had called me a lot during that time) I finally called her. She was the happiest thing when she heard my voice. Things were looking rather up, then the next day she heard from someone that I cheated on her (she had has suspicions early in our relationship, because when we first started dating I continued to go to parties--basically to hang out with my friends consisted of my best buds and a few of there friends never a huge full out frat party one could say-- between her thinking back to that and now hearing this she was set that I cheated on her at some point because of someone saying that. Now it is not true in anyway, I have frowned upon cheating all of my life, think it is a horrid thing to do to a person you "care" about, that is if you really do. She said well OK I don't know but lets let it slide, she was out of town for a couple of days, called me crying about she now has proof- which she won't tell me what it may be or where she heard that, because it never happened. That was a week ago, and we have not talked, I tried talking to her, but nay nothing in response.

    On a different note, after we broke up I made mistakes I will easly admit, she wanted to be treated the same, and we still did do that, but I still was an to her about things, and more angry with myself about how I ended things because of something she really could not control (and this thing was about two weeks before we broke up and 3 weeks after we broke up). I needed the space from her.

    But now I do not know what to do, I miss her a lot, and while I have dated other people since we have broken up, I have not been able to give them anything because I am still in love with my ex.

    P.S.-- Feel kind of weird asking about this over the internet, everyone of my friends has told me to forget about her, and my lady friends tell me I have no need to explain myself to her about cheating on her, especially if I did not do it.
    emopunk7's Avatar
    emopunk7 Posts: 1,052, Reputation: 161
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    #2

    Jul 10, 2007, 01:06 PM
    Your friends are right. She should've been more understanding when it came to that other guy and she wasn't... If anything YOU should suspect her of cheating. Leave her alone and find new girls... She seems like a waste of time.
    john425's Avatar
    john425 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Jul 10, 2007, 01:13 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by emopunk7
    Your friends are right. She should've been more understanding when it came to that other guy and she wasn't...If anything YOU should suspect her of cheating. Leave her alone and find new girls...She seems like a waste of time.
    What I have gotten. And I have left her alone before, and for some reason we always come back (since we have broken up) missing each other. I have no problem at all meeting new girls, my ex was I would say my first real relationship also, other then that I have always dated for 1-2 months and got bored one could say. I am still in love with her, and honestly I know she is to because of how it was when we did talk again after our space, and how she responded to the cheating thing, because if she was over it I do believe she would have not cared, especially since we are no longer dating.
    I have been seeing other girls (for example the person I am right now) but I cannot really commit to them at all, because if my ex wanted to get back together and give it another go, I would in a heartbeat.

    And I also agree with you upon her understanding, something I have always told her, and something one day she may realize, because honestly before that happened, there was nothing at all wrong with us.
    emopunk7's Avatar
    emopunk7 Posts: 1,052, Reputation: 161
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    #4

    Jul 10, 2007, 01:37 PM
    Well Im not sure if you read my post "break up affects" but my ex was very controlling, jealous, mean, cursed at me all the time, and threw huge scenes in public but still I loved her... She was very stubborn and to know I got through sometimes gave me a sense of victory but she ended all that. She had more power and she did whatever she wanted. I say you wear the pants and do what you think is best at the moment. She wanted to be gone so she got it and you should by no means ever feel guilty. Instead be proud that you were not a crazy boyfriend and you gave her what she wanted. I lost all dignity and I'm still hurt but you will be fine as you are already dating. Just hang in there, you will be fine in due time!
    john425's Avatar
    john425 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Jul 10, 2007, 03:10 PM
    I don't know.it is just how everything ended, the fact we fought so much about the whole situiation before we broke up and for a while after, me being an -- while there was a reason for it not being totally justified. And this whole cheating thing- I do not understand at all.

    At times I agree with everyone, she is not worth the time or effort, then I think back to all the good times, the many we had, and that has been hard to let go...

    Really do not know what to do, and do not want to just let it go, even if it is the best choice.
    john425's Avatar
    john425 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #6

    Jul 11, 2007, 10:51 AM
    Kind of asked before, more detailed description now about ex.
    Well my exgf, I honestly have no idea what to do, and I thought I was over her but I reall am not, there is another girl I have been seeing recently that wants to become fully exclusive but when she asked that I thought about things with my ex, and I am still in love with her...

    We dated for 11 months. When we first started dating, I still did my party thing (what all of my friends, did and went to them to hang out) she always thought this was because I was embarrassed by her or wanted to hide something from her. I never really thought she could go because she was still living with her parents that are hardcore Christian, and never allowed her to do much anyway. She finally talked to me about it and I brought her to a few parties with me (mind these were not huge frat parties or anything in that nature) consisted of my close friends and there gfs or dates basically. Did that a few times, then I basically stopped going all together and me and my ex got a lot closer almost basically living together for a good 4 or 5 months. I needed some space from her, just a weekend and she freaked out because one of my good friends (also a girl) I told this to over a text saying "I really think I just need a break from Lauren right now" and she thought I had feelings for that girl (who I have known since grade school). Had to reassure her about that, and nothing happened and I lost another friend (that girl). So in all honesty I was very happy with my ex-- we had an amazing relationship, never fought at all (which I think we actually needed now) and argued little.

    She moved from Georgia straight out of High school with her parents for college, she lives with her parents and never met many people outside for me, we started dating soon after we met, so she never, ever met many people outside of my friends and on that never met any girl friends really. One of her guys friends who she never really hung out with before wanted to hang out and I had no problem at all, they were friends all this time, they talked, I was happy she could. She did, and the next day I got a phone call from him (how in hell he got my number I'll never know) saying he hooked up with her. I disregarded it, I know he is an immature and thought nothing of it. Then I got harassing things from him, he was also a complete to my ex on many different occasions. Told her about it and she told me something's he said about me when they hung out and how he pisses her off and what not, I said stop hanging out with him then. She did anyway because she didn't want to lose one of her only friends, but things got even worse, more from him, and that inturn caused me to get rather pissed off at my ex about it. We never fought before this. We argued about small things a lot and I got upset with her over little things. One night we got into a huge drunken fight, and decided to take a spacer for a week (basically nothing was accomplished, aside from no sexual things- we still hung out and talked everyday of that 5 day period). Got back to normal, she stopped talking to him so for a good week and a half we were back to how things were before they started hanging out. Well, we got over that rut right? Wrong. She decided to give him one more chance so she didn't lose her friend. He started the same, and we started to argue again. On my birthday he tried to pick a fight with me (how immature) then I basically got into the hugest fight with my ex over it and everything, and we broke up that night. (great birthday that was). As for the guy, she no longer talks to him, a bit to late (about two-three weeks after we broke up she realized his ways)

    So for a month and half after we broke up it was basically as we didn't, no sexual things (that doesn't concern me really at all) still hung out, talked everyday, but I was still upset with everything so we argued every once in a while. I got offered something in Cali (we live in Az) and told her about it and she flipped. I told her she needs to think about what she really wants and then talk to me. Next day calls me saying to hang out, we do, acted like we were dating, got drunk while bowling and I became an , because I didn't get an answer to what I asked, she once again acted like nothing has happened. We did not fight, but I was very distant that night and was basically a butt . Next day we decided not to talk, I was fine with that, I needed it.

    Three weeks later, no communication at all, she texts me saying she misses me. Now mind I have missed her a lot during those three weeks and she did call a few times but I needed the space. We start talking again and she is happiest as can be. The next day she calls me crying, told me she heard that I cheated on her sometime when we were dating and kind of left it at that. I told her that did not happen at all, and she knows me, and I know myself, I did not do that. She resorted back to when we first started dating and said she is unsure.

    Didn't talk for two days, she texts me saying it is best we do not talk anymore I think, you have done a lot of hurtful things to me, and I just need time to think.

    I call her, told her if you think the fighting we had for a month about was so hurtful you do not know what real hurt is (Real hurt is your dad abusing you, one my exgfs breaking up with me when my best friend died –she couldn’t “handle” the pressure at the time, later wanted to get back together but I will never forgive her for that), how I acted during that time was because of your actions and how I felt betrayed by you. Then she turned around and thought I was admitting to cheating on her by saying that. She then says you just admitted to it, and I have proof and hung up. Told her I love you still, I did not do that, I couldn't have, and you will not even discuss it with me.

    This was a week ago, and since then we have not talked. I have no idea what to do, there is no proof because I never, ever cheated on her. Hell I seriously talked on the phone with her EVERY time I went with my friends, because she has always been insecure about that (Not bragging at all, good looking guy, her friends in Georgia commented about me all the time, deff when I went down there, and the few girl friends here thought I was hot) and further more, her friends in Georgia and here are giving me no justice at all, because her guy friends are her friends for one thing-- to get with her.

    So honestly I don't know, I love her, miss her, and while I may have messed up during that time, she doesn't realize what she was doing to me, and how badly it made me feel to have this guy (who she asked me not to do anything about, even after what he did) slap her and I around, and her basically condone it.
    That is why I got upset, and I have told her.

    So please any input on what to do...

    I have gotten the samething from everyone, she is not worth the time, etc. In my opinion she is, I love her dearly and do not want to lose her, and at least not like this.
    SuperFudd's Avatar
    SuperFudd Posts: 16, Reputation: 4
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    #7

    Jul 11, 2007, 11:18 AM
    Personally... I NEVER give the response of she's not worth it. No one can tell you that but yourself. You're the only one who knows where your breaking point is. Where you can no longer handle the emotional strain someone is putting on you. Hopefully you get out before it reaches there, but sometimes you've got to hit it before you know where it is. You both sound like you really don't know what you want. But if you want it to work out then you're both going to have to compromise. Trust is key in any relationship my friend. Without it, there isn't much to fall back on and every little whisper of a rumor will throw your relationship for a loop. If you didn't cheat on her, fine... stick to your guns. She'll eventually have to accept that fact or find that she has to move on. She's got to understand that until you prove otherwise... the only person she should be listening to is you. She sounds like a decent girl and if worse comes to worst, try having someone trained mediate a conversation between you two. Or take the job in Cali and don't look back man.
    john425's Avatar
    john425 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Jul 11, 2007, 02:47 PM
    That may work, Cali thing was long ago, was to UCLA but have a lot of roots here I can't let go. How do I get to her though I mean yea lol.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,303, Reputation: 10854
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    #9

    Jul 11, 2007, 03:28 PM
    She has too much drama and insecurity, and mistrust for me. But if that's what you want?? A fresh start would be better after you get over her.
    Sdjosh's Avatar
    Sdjosh Posts: 215, Reputation: 41
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    #10

    Jul 11, 2007, 03:32 PM
    Way to insecure. You shouldn't have to stop hanging out with your friends to make a relationship work. Trust is a big issue with her.

    It also sounds like she was looking for an excuse to be hurt or mad at you... that whole cheating thing she accused you of was just an easy out.
    john425's Avatar
    john425 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #11

    Jul 11, 2007, 05:12 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman
    She has to much drama and insecurity, and mistrust for me. But if thats what you want???? A fresh start would be better after you get over her.
    Not at all, but it was never -always- like that, I do know she does have some trust issues, but I still do want to work things out with her.



    What I may have thought, I still do not get her at all on this whole cheating thing and why she has ignored me about it..

    Just odd.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,303, Reputation: 10854
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    #12

    Jul 12, 2007, 05:12 AM
    We fellas always think we can fix things, but we never admit we don't have the right tools to do it with. Communications and the willingness of you both to work together and solve your problems, is a key to having a meaningful relationship. Without it, you are wasting your time, and will always have one thing or another, to drive a wedge between you. You can't fix this by yourself. It always takes two.
    john425's Avatar
    john425 Posts: 13, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Jul 13, 2007, 07:42 PM
    Wanted to give a tid bit and update you guys- a lot of your advice made me think a lot.

    I decided to stick with the no contact route like we did for those three weeks. She called me yesterday to talk. Her initial hello was, Hey snookums (My nickname when we were dating) I miss you a lot. I responded saying I have missed her in ways, but not in others (which is true) and what I will get to. That kind of shook her boat a little bit. She went on about how she missed the good times, giving examples ( I remember these times, it was actually a turn off to rethink them ). She listed out some problems that she has had, and while resentful, I agreed that some of those were my own doing. Got the cheating subject, and she said I have always been at her side even when things were tough, when it would be most appropriate ( I guess? ) to cheat, and instead you did everything to make me feel better. She then said I want to give us another chance because I am still in love with you, and want things to go back to normal; that was when I broke her heart (which I did not want to do). My response to this was; for the cheating thing, it took you to long to realize I would never do that to you, at that point I was at more anger that you would even believe anyone with a rumor over my word which I have never broken. As for my feelings about you, I love you in every way, but I am no longer in love with you, in time maybe things can go back to normal, but for now, and for a long time that cannot be.
    She started to cry and try and work things out, and in the end, it was still a no. She texted me this morning saying she loved me but I gave no response, it actually made me more upset she did that after our conversation last night.

    In all, I wanted to thank you all for some of the advice through PMs and this post. What I think I was feeling was, how I missed her in a way I do not really see her anymore, while we both made mistakes, I do not for one forgive myself how I handled things, no matter what she did, but also do not forgive her for not being more understanding on many different aspects. While the age gap is 6 months, the maturity gap is a little bit larger, I had to grow up quickly in my life due to things when I was younger, while she was pampered, which I think played a large role; between her trust issues and seemingly leaning on me in everyway. I no longer wish to be with her after our relationship, and do not see us being together 10 years down the road, at least at this stage.

    So thank you, will remain on these boards for a long time, a lot of wise, and knowledgeable people.

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