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Reallyworried · Jul 7, 2007, 03:04 PM

My daughter in law had an alcoholic Mother and now has become an alcoholic herself. She has always been a gentle, caring, considerate person although at times a little odd but we loved her for it. Now the drink problem is quite out of hand and she is being totally, verbally abusive to my son and occasionally to her two wonderful children.

I have truly never interfered and I am not a judgemental person but lately I have tried talking gently to her and she has reacted so violently and abusively to me that it has made me ill... she says I interfere, which I don't, she says I am a control freak and that all my friends leave me because I am so horrible. Although you don't know me this is truly not the case, I have loads of friends and am here if anyone needs me. I have never interfered but last week my daughter in law said such vicious, spiteful things and was swearing and I never believed that she could ever say such nasty things to the people she is supposed to love. My husband is the gentlest of men and he went over there a couple of days ago to try to get her to understand what she is doing... we don't know what to do next, can anyone advise us please?

Michellerenee · Jul 7, 2007, 11:00 PM

Does she remember this, or does she blackout?

Michellerenee · Jul 8, 2007, 06:13 AM

Alcoholism is a progressive disease that only gets worse, I know from experience...
Inpatient treatement works wonders if the person admits to theirself that there is a problem, ask anything you want, I'll answer

Reallyworried · Jul 8, 2007, 03:40 PM

Originally Posted by Michellerenee

Does she remember this, or does she blackout?

I think she blacks out, but a couple of times she has said to me "I am sorry about my behaviour"

Michellerenee · Jul 8, 2007, 07:13 PM

Originally Posted by Reallyworried

I think she blacks out, but a couple of times she has said to me "I am sorry about my behaviour"

It is hard for a person imagine the words that come from their own mouths, I know.
Just remember that you are not responsible for anyone else's disease, and there is help for the disease she has. But, only she can do it, you can only support her. Michelle

Pook_Myster · Jul 8, 2007, 09:56 PM

God helps those who help themselves... and I'm not talking about cookies in the cookie jar! Lol...

Your DIL needs firstly to admit to herself that she has a problem - her aggressive denial towards your approach is an indication that she is not yet at this point... but her apology for her behaviour sometimes is a little indication that she is on her way...

I think that alcoholism is a journey, a disease yes, but also a journey. As Mother in Law I would suggest that you be patient, kind, understanding that this is a sickness, illness, disease, whatever you would like to call it - but it isn't because she is a bad person - possibly just a little weak, so everyone around her needs to be strong and tenacious.

If you are able to cope the verbal assults that come from your confrontation of the issues with her, then I would continue pointing it out to her that you feel she has a problem... subtley and quietly - so an not to embarrass her - I am sure that along the way she will do enough of that herself and be ashamed of herself in the end.

grammadidi · Jul 8, 2007, 10:57 PM

If you really want to help your daughter-in-law, then I would strongly suggest you attend several open AA meetings (make sure they are open ones) and a minimum of 4 Al-Anon meetings (these are for the families of alcholics and I think 8 would be better). This will give you a good understanding of all the steps that you might take that will either help or hinder her in her addiction.

You can obtain information regarding groups in your area by checking the following websites:

Al-Anon and Alateen

Alcoholics Anonymous

Where is your son in all of this? Perhaps he will attend with you? You must be very careful not to alienate them, because if you do the children may suffer. I will tell you this. Your daughter-in-law has to be the one to fix it, not you.

Here is an article titled "How Can I Get an Alcoholic Into Treatment?" (scroll down a bit) which has some good advice.

Here is another article by Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW. I used to know him very well many years ago. He is a great social worker. This article is 'partner' specific, but all the same it is a good one. Your Social Worker

I hope this helps. As an Addiction Counselor myself, I think the information in these two articles can give you the general idea on how to help and the meetings will strengthen your resolve, understanding and give you support through the process.

Hugs, Didi

MayfairLady · Jul 12, 2007, 04:35 PM

I just wanted to wish you all the best. AA is a great support to me and my family. It gave us hope when we thought there was none. 2 years later we are happy and smiling again.

jkaffai · May 17, 2010, 11:25 PM

My disease of alcoholism almost tore my familiy apart. I became defensive when spoke to regarding my drinking. I never realized how my drinking hurt my family until I accepted the fact that my drinking was uncontrolable and asked for help. I found that help through AA. She MUST want the help, which for most alcoholics, their pain must become greater than the fear of changing. My advise to you and your family is to attend AL-ANON meetings, here you will better understand the disease, learn how to cope, how to help, and allow you to see you are not alone. God Bless