[Marbur]

I'm 20 and my girlfriend is 16. She initiated the relationship after several months of getting to understand and know each other. Because I was able to open up to her more than any other person I've met, and she pratically knows everything about me, I fell in love with her. I am yes a pervert, but I know how to hold back as I'm still a virgin (according to her so is she, not that it matters to me). She wants to have sex with me and being a perv I want it too. I won't take undue advantage of her, because I don't want to hurt her. She knows her own mind, and before meeting her I would never have even considered a relationship with someone who is only four years younger than I am. Neither of us like the idea to having to wait till we get married (and because we talk ceaselessly, we've thought about it for some time now) cause who knows how long that'll take. We're both willing to handle the physical consquences and if she has a kid, I'll stay by her. I just want to know if and why it's so bad for a twenty year old to love a girl only four years younger. In the long term (I like to plan ahead in many cases) four years isn't all that much difference.

[templelane]

Same happened to a friend of mine - she was the 16 year old girl - he was 22. Never approved but they are still going strong six years on. I would say though she was very mature for her years and he was (how do I say this) not immature but a little stunted. I don't mean that in a bad way - he just lived with his parents still and didn't get out much - pretty geeky. He thought she was 18 and she thought he was 20, it wasn't until they had already started going out they realised.

So I don't believe it is as clear cut as people like to make out. Although don't be surprised if you get loads of hassle or you realise how much of her is still a child. You do a lot of growing up in those few years.

Personally I would say respect her and hold off on the physical side of the relationship for a few years - if you love her like you say you do.

Edit - the age of consent is 16 in my country, so I didn't consider legal ramafications

[Marbur]

Personally I would say respect her and hold off on the physical side of the relationship for a few years - if you love her like you say you do.

It's hard though considering that I'm a perv. I'll do what I can there. I'm still a bit unsatisfied, but maybe its just because it isn't what I wanted to hear. Thanks, hopefully others will try to help too. At least she can still help keep me sane, (she's the flightier one, and I tend to bash myself [mentally] often). I hate age gaps. I agree, she may still have some growing to do, cause I know for sure that I do.

[Synnen]

I'm going to HIGHLY advise against a physical relationship with this girl. Right now, she isn't LEGAL for you to have a sexual relationship with.

If you love her the way you say you do, then waiting will NOT be that difficult.

[margarita_momma]

I dated a guy that was 24 when I was 17. The only problem with dating someone that is still in their teens is the maturity level like templelane said. He was already finishing college and I had not finished high school. If you find that the girl is mature for her age and you are in love with her, I see nothing wrong with it. A lot of people on here will probably tell you that she is jail bait and to stay away, but I believe if you truly love someone to just go with the flow. Don't worry about what other people say. Age really has no boundaries when it comes to love unless they are still a child. Then it is just wrong. I know when I was 16, I was perfectly capable of knowing what love was and who I wanted to be with. I have known a lot of girls that met their now husbands when they were in their teens and they are still together. Just go with what you feel is right.

[Marbur]

I'm not asking legally why this is wrong. I did know that it is considered staturatory rape, but... ah never mind, this is only going to get me in trouble. Just look, I'd like a better reason as to why this is wrong than that Synnen, I don't really care for the IT'S THE LAW statements, though I don't like pissing people off. If you have something that makes more sense, then please do say it. I'll hold off, as much as I can, I'm only human, and despite all things, humans, especially perverted ones, make perverse mistakes. I won't force anything onto her that she didn't directly want in the first place, and it may be a while before I have the opportunity to anyway. Thanks for sort of answering though.

[J_9]

I will have to go along with Synn on this one. Age of consent for you is 18. She is two years shy of that.

There is a police officer where I live that is going through a good bit of trouble. You see, he thought she was "of age" (supposedly), it was consentual, she got pregnant. Although they are to be married this month, he lost his job and the DA is attempting to prosecute him to the fullest extent of the law.

You just never know what COULD happen.

[Marbur]

Gee, didn't expect that. I was expecting more hatred than anything. --- Just go with the flow? Gee, that'd get me in a lot of trouble not just with the law, but with myself, and her. Well, I'm a bit more cautious than that, gah, not really sure how to respond to that one magarita.

[Synnen]

Well... the legal side of it is there for a REASON.

No matter how mature a 16 year old girl is, she's still a 16 year old girl. She can know her mind, and know what she loves, but she doesn't know much about real life yet, and how love, while really the most important thing in a relationship, can be starved when life sets in with realities.

I was a very mature 16 year old too, but thank GOD I didn't marry the guy I was dating and in love with then! My life would have been MISERABLE, because it takes being partners for a marriage to work, and right now, the two of you really can't be equal partners. She has school to finish, you have a job to go to. She has her prom to look forward to, you have turning and drinking legally to look forward to.

This is NOT to say it can't work. It will just be hard enough without complicating the whole thing with a sexual relationship on top of things.

[J_9]

One question I have not seen here...

What do her parents think of you?

[margarita_momma]

Gee, didn't expect that. I was expecting more hatred than anything. --- Just go with the flow? Gee, that'd get me in a lot of trouble not just with the law, but with myself, and her. Well, I'm a bit more cautious than that, gah, not really sure how to respond to that one magarita.

Okay then Marbur, just cut your wanger off! Will that solve your problem perv? Is that the type of answer you want to hear? You say you want to be with her and you love her but when someone doesn't drill you on the law (because I figured you already knew that) you say that following your heart will get you into trouble. Maybe you should just leave her alone then if you don't know what you want. :rolleyes:

[smoothy]

There is a HUGE (maturity ) difference between 16 and 20... there is a small difference between 36 and 40. At 16 you do not have the ability to make the decisions you think you are ready for at that age... unfortunately its something you will understand when you are older.


More importantly there are laws in most states that can land you in jail for statutory rape and a permanent sex offender tag for life if you decide to go all the way with a 16 year old.

[Marbur]

Okay, I've find that I'm in a bit of a bind right now. I'm hating myself more and more as it goes. I'm not really here to debate this. There is one very important element that I failed to mention, and I've done a lot of research on already.. . (It doesn't really help either that she's my only friend at the moment) We're only internet dating... so far, but that's because I'm broke and the fact that I well know, she's only sixteen. Gah, it only makes things worse I know. (Ah Important too, she has my cell number and has called it, and uses it to IM me often, yah I know, risky and why the h am I asking all this to begin with. I'm a planner. I plan things ahead of time, and I was formerly a manipulator, but I didn't expect this) So her parents don't know of me, nor do my mother her. She doesn't care what her parents think (I do, but well... I like being liked), and neither side would really approve of this relationship. (Ahem, I don't want to drink, I will not drink. I will not smoke I don't want to smoke. I write stories for a living, I stay at home often. Yes I do occasionally work at a dead end job, but that's because I was pulled out of high school near the end of my senior year. Originally I was afraid of being obsessive and occupying too much of her time. Now, she's the one that is mildly [I don't mind] occupying my time. She works, she writes. She's a better writer than I am, and she is a fan of my writings. We are so alike yet so different. If she dumps me, [as I've expected many a time being a long distance relationship] I will be broken [as she is my first and only girlfriend so far.] in many, many pieces. She's been hurt by many others before, and has warned me many a time that she might pull away from might because of her random mind. I'm a genius [not self acclaimed, I still refute it] who because of her knowing so much of me that is broken easily.) There is so much to explain, but I cannot explain it all. I'm glad though that I'm able to wait, but I don't know if I'd be able to take it if the worst happens (other than the jail bit) and she decides I'm not worth it. But don't bother yourself about this fool. I'm not like most pervs thankfully. Ask specific questions. I'll do my best to answer. Hate me if you must, I wish I cared more. I'm what you may call a sympathetic pervert. I'll just continue to torment myself until I come up with a better answer for all of this. (again, I'll hold off as much as I can when we do meet. And I do have a way to do it.)

[Marbur]

Yet again, I'm the bad guy in the end it seems. At least I was smart enough to ask.

[smoothy]

Find an older girl... trust me in a few years you will see what I mean. Personally if I was single I would not be all goo goo eyed over an 18 year old, yeah they can be hot but emotionally and intellectually I could not relate to them over the age difference... by your mid ot late 20's that gap closes a lot... but between 16 and 20 its huge.

[margarita_momma]

Yet again, I'm the bad guy in the end it seems. At least I was smart enough to ask.

Oh, don't get all pitiful acting. You should have known coming on a help desk that there would be mixed responses to you dating someone that is not legal for you to date. The fact that you openly call yourself a pervert is odd and now knowing that you met the girl on the internet and haven't actually met her yet makes me think you need to get out more. You say that you mentally beat yourself up? Why? Do you have self-esteem issues?

[aprilgirl4god]

I know you don't want to wait until you get married, but I suggest that you do. My husband did not wait, but I had. He was sixteen the first time he had sex, and I was ninteen and married. I didn't think it would be that big of a deal because nowadays it seems that anyone who has sexual urges thinks it's time to do it. But after we got married, and I realized what sex was, it put our marriage into the pits for a whole year. It's still a problem every now and again. Sometimes he thinks things he did with someone else was me and remarks on it. And, of course, that just puts me into a depression for a little while. He also thinks things he did with me were not me and thinks we are doing them for the first time when we are really not. It is heartbreaking. When he was sleeping with his underage girlfriend, he thought he loved her and they would get married. He never never thought that he would eventually marry a virgin. I think he thought that there were none of us left. Just think about who you could marry and what gifts you really want to save for that person. I don't feel that I got anything special when I had sex with my husband because 8 other people had it before I did. Just think about it.

[templelane]

You need to sort yourself, your life and priorities out before you even think about dating anyone let alone a teenager. It's not fair on her.

[J_9]

Yet again, I'm the bad guy in the end it seems. At least I was smart enough to ask.

Oh boo hoo. You knew coming here and asking about an illegal relationship would get responses like this.

[Marbur]

Goo goo eyed. -_- This isn't goo goo eyed. It can work out. If I leave, it'd be worse on my conscience. Yes, I listen to my conscience. I don't fall in love easily. And I am a very loyal person when it comes down to it. I wish I could explain, but normally, as far as I know, when people claim to have fallen in love, infatuation wears off after a month or so. Love isn't just a feeling or emotion, but something much more than that. It's an action, a journey. Why am I still replying to these things?