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seekinghelp07 · Jun 27, 2007, 12:12 AM

How much truth is in this article, Why more Fathers are getting custody?
This is my first time knowing that nowadays fathers mostly win the custody of their children over the mothers. A little surprised on this change of trend because usually mothers win the custody of the children. But happy since fathers can now fight and have their children. What can you say about this?

margarita_momma · Jun 27, 2007, 02:41 PM

Actually I am going through a divorce right now and my ex-husband is getting custody of our son. He makes twice as much as I do, had the house before we were married and has his mom and dad baby sit during the day. Since I have left him, I can barely afford my half of the bills much less taking care of my son financially. I felt that the right thing to do for my son was to let him stay with his father so he can be provided for and live in a stable home. I live in an apartment on the top floor and that is no place for a toddler.

LadyB · Jun 27, 2007, 02:54 PM

I think for many years men simply didn't fight for custody, or assumed they couldn't win, but now are more cognizant of their strength and capabilities as parents and ask for it. My brother just assumed in this way, and when we told him to ask for residential custody, he won.

startover22 · Jun 27, 2007, 03:00 PM

I can say that no matter what I would fight for my child whether I lived in a old beat up trailer or an apartment. Come on, you don't have to be "set" to be the best thing for your kids. Go dads go. That is what I say. Do what is right whether you are a father or a mother. Although it sure would be nice if we could stay with the each other and do right by our kids. Hard as that may be, or as uncomfortable, as soon as the kids start coming, we should be living for them not ourselves. (for the most part at least) Totally off subject and I am sorry but this is a sore subject for me. Go dads go and go moms go, fight for your babies, they can't fight for themselves.

shygrneyzs · Jun 27, 2007, 03:37 PM

I think it is great that Fathers are fighting for and gaining custody of their children. There is nothing that says men cannot be as great a parent as a woman can. In some cases they are better.

startover22 · Jun 27, 2007, 03:53 PM

All I know is that I would not be as good of a mother without my husband. OR vice versa.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 27, 2007, 03:56 PM

A lot more men are getting custody today than 20 years ago, and even 10 years ago, but by and large still the majority of custody still goes to the mothers.

But as more and more judges are seeing parents as equal and more and more are getting more liberal yes, men are starting to see a increase. But this is over all, there are still a lot of judges where the women has an advantage going into the court room.

seekinghelp07 · Jun 27, 2007, 06:30 PM

More fathers win custody of their children because today they fight for it. Just read another article that the reason why fathers already fight for their right of having their children is because of the removal of "tenders Years doctrine" from the court. And the reason why they removed it from courts is because they realized that women are not always a better parent.

If I have a child and I have not much money to raise him/her alone, I would have also asked my ex to get custody of him/her. As a parent we only want what is best for the child.

startover22 · Jun 27, 2007, 06:44 PM

I hope who ever gets to raise a child is the fittest, not the richest. For goodness sakes!

margarita_momma · Jun 28, 2007, 06:41 AM

Originally Posted by startover22

I can say that no matter what I would fight for my child whether I lived in a old beat up trailer or an apartment. Come on, you don't have to be "set" to be the best thing for your kids. Go dads go. That is what I say. Do what is right whether you are a father or a mother. Although it sure would be nice if we could stay with the eachother and do right by our kids. Hard as that may be, or as uncomfortable, as soon as the kids start coming, we should be living for them not ourselves. (for the most part at least) Totally off subject and i am sorry but this is a sore subject for me. Go dads go and go moms go, fight for your babies, they can't fight for themselves.

My ex-husband is not a bad father. If he was a horrible parent that didn't give a darn about our son then yes I would have fought for him. I would have fought to the death. My ex and I didn't get along and we had issues but the divorce was never because he nor I was a bad parent. I want my son to be able to live in a stable home where his father can get him the neccesities that he needs. I have been moving every other month trying to find a place that is liveable. The places I can afford are not in the best condition and I don't have a vehicle. My son is the most important person in the world to me and I would never fight for him knowing that I couldn't support him once I got him.

startover22 · Jun 28, 2007, 07:48 AM

Margarit momma, I am really sorry that you can't find a stable place, I really am. Wish I could help. As far as I am concern I think if you are constant with your visitations, and never let him down. I am very judgemental on this subject. It is hard for me not to be. My dad raised me because my mom had FOUR kids she couldn't raise after a selfish divorce. There was no abuse, just unhappiness and arguing. I know they both could have stopped arguing, I give no breaks on this topic. If you want to go further, so be it. I would find that place and the new job it takes to get there. I really wish you good luck. I hope you always get to see your son, I saw my mother 3 times between the age of 5 and 31. I still love her but don't know her.

shatteredsoul · Jun 28, 2007, 08:07 AM

It is tough raising children. The financial burdens are a struggle, but remember it is you being in his life that is more important than what you have or don't. I too had my mother leave and move away at the tender age of 12. She and my father were both good parents, but not good at getting along. Same thing, no abuse, just arguing. I didn't understand that she needed to "find" herself and why that meant moving away from us. I am not saying this is your case, I know neither one of my parents gave up custody. They had joint custody so they had equal rights. Maybe you don't need to give up custody. Maybe you can share it. Maybe he can stay at your apartment on the weekends and during the week with his dad. Yes, on average when people divorce, the man's income goes up and the woman's usually decreases by half. This is because of all sorts of reasons, and the bottom line is that women have to find ways to be self sufficient. It isn't easy in this world to do that, and I am not saying its easy for you. Just remember that your son won't care about where you live or what you don't have, he will care that his momma is there, regardless of how tough things got. I wish you and your family the best and I hope you find someway to get through this, hold on tight to your children. Believe in the impossible. Many people suffer from poverty, but as long as they know love, they will survive and flourish.

startover22 · Jun 28, 2007, 08:10 AM

Ok, I am trying to put myself in your shoes. I know it can't happen over night or in ten minutes! Actually I don't even know if you are working toward getting custody, or if you will just leave things how they are. I get all worked up on this subject and I want to apologize if I upset you. I am only bitter when it comes to divorce or children. Your case has both. Sorry a head of time, for being so judgemental. I am working on that! I honestly wish the best for your boy and you as his mother.

shatteredsoul · Jun 28, 2007, 08:36 AM

What we need in life cannot be based on a monetary scale. Look back at the things in your childhood that you remember and care about the most. These are the same things that will bring your child joy. Remember, if your husband makes more and you have joint custody, he will have to give you more. The size of your apartment is irrelevant. I have seen families of 10 or more living in a two bedroom apartment. Its all relative. Your child doesn't need a house to be happy, he needs you. Whatever you decide, I am not judging, just simply giving my perspective. Your value and worth as a mother is priceless.

margarita_momma · Jun 28, 2007, 09:18 AM

I realize Startover22 that you are judgemental because of what happened to you in your childhood. To give you a little background on me, my mother took off and left me and my younger brother with my dad when we were 7 and 5. She left my dad and I didn't see her for almost 2 and half years and then she wanted to start coming around and being in our lives again. We let her back into our lives and she did the same thing a year later. This time staying gone for 4 years. I KNOW how hard divorce is on kids. I've been there. I have told myself over and over again that I will NEVER be like my mother and that I will be there for my son. I have never missed an opportunity to see him and I never plan too. I am living in a city that I have no family or friends in because I want to be close enough to where I can go see him on my weekends. And for all of you that are thinking that I am just not wanting to raise my son because I live in an apartment, that's not the case. I want to be able to FEED my son too. I eat one meal a day because I can't afford anything else. I would never put my son in the type of situation I am in. If his father can give him the food, clothing, and shelter that he needs that I can't give him, then that's the way it needs to be. I plan to be in my son's life always. I am not running off "trying to find myself". I am trying my best to just get by.

startover22 · Jun 28, 2007, 09:23 AM

Originally Posted by margarita_momma

I realize Startover22 that you are judgemental because of what happened to you in your childhood. To give you a little background on me, my mother took off and left me and my younger brother with my dad when we were 7 and 5. She left my dad and I didn't see her for almost 2 and half years and then she wanted to start coming around and being in our lives again. We let her back into our lives and she did the same thing a year later. This time staying gone for 4 years. I KNOW how hard divorce is on kids. I've been there. I have told myself over and over again that I will NEVER be like my mother and that I will be there for my son. I have never missed an opportunity to see him and I never plan too. I am living in a city that I have no family or friends in because I want to be close enough to where I can go see him on my weekends. And for all of you that are thinking that I am just not wanting to raise my son because I live in an apartment, that's not the case. I want to be able to FEED my son too. I eat one meal a day because I can't afford anything else. I would never put my son in the type of situation I am in. If his father can give him the food, clothing, and shelter that he needs that I can't give him, then that's the way it needs to be. I plan to be in my son's life always. I am not running off "trying to find myself". I am trying my best to just get by.

I am happy to meet you. Hope we can make your day brighter when you are down. Thanks for being so understanding with me. I don't try to come across as rude, I rewrote my post to you four times before I posted it. I feel bad for feeling this way but it is the truth and we all need to see it. If you want you can come join us at another post it is where we chit chat and get on with our bad selves, help each other to get through and sometimes get serious. You can find it by looking at my profile. Thanks for sharing. It is nice to know you are actually doing something to turn things around. But still, good luck.

shatteredsoul · Jun 28, 2007, 09:31 AM

I never said that you were running away from anything, I simply expressed what happened to me. I understand you wanting to give him a better life than what you can provide. I also know that the apartment isn't the only issue. You had expressed why you didn't understand why men seem to get custody more than they used to and I responded to it. I don't think you are giving up your child, I just thought maybe you would benefit more from joint custody than you would giving it up. The father is responsible for helping you provide for him, especially if he makes more than you. There are options and I get what you are saying. I never meant to strike such a nerve. I know your decisions are based with the best of intentions and I am sure you are doing the best you can. I wish you strength and the ability to overcome such difficult times. I do believe he needs you and you need him, sharing custody enables that situation much easier than sole custody. You don't need to give up your rights as a parent, solely due to your financial situation. Sorry if you thought I was putting you under the same category as my own mother, that wasn't what I intended at all.

margarita_momma · Jun 28, 2007, 09:43 AM

Originally Posted by shatteredsoul

I never said that you were running away from anything, I simply expressed what happened to me. I understand you wanting to give him a better life than what you can provide. I also know that the apartment isn't the only issue. You had expressed why you didn't understand why men seem to get custody more than they used to and I responded to it. I don't think you are giving up your child, I just thought maybe you would benefit more from joint custody than you would giving it up. The father is responsible for helping you provide for him, especially if he makes more than you. There are options and I get what you are saying. I never meant to strike such a nerve. I know your decisions are based with the best of intentions and I am sure you are doing the best you can. I wish you strength and the ability to overcome such difficult times. I do believe he needs you and you need him, sharing custody enables that situation much easier than sole custody. You don't need to give up your rights as a parent, solely due to your financial situation. Sorry if you thought I was putting you under the same category as my own mother, that wasn't what I intended at all.

Oh no. I am not giving up all rights to my son. My ex and I have joint custody but he has primary. I only get to see my son on the 1st, 3rd and sometimes 5th weekends of the month. I still have rights to my son and I hope one day that I will have him back with me. But right now I know what is best for him and that's to be with his father. I am so sorry you thought I was angry with you. Please don't think that. I have just been explaining to just about every person I know as to why my ex-husband is getting primary custody and I am not. ;)

startover22 · Jun 28, 2007, 09:52 AM

Margarita momma, I have to say that every time I see your name, I sing it... LOL OK, back to business. Yes it is easy to see you are a loving mother. Your son will see that in the years to come. Just don't say "I did the best i could" and didn't when he is older... That is what my parents say. We all know the truth...

shatteredsoul · Jun 28, 2007, 09:53 AM

No need to apologize or exert any extra strength on worrying what I think. I know what its like to explain and justify your decisions to everyone and everything. I think you are going to get him back and he will be the reason you keep moving forward everyday. I am sending much love your way.. there is way too much criticism in the world for me to add to it. Remember you are not alone.