[Trulyalive]

I just want to warn you before you embark... I tend to be mildly (read: incredibly) long winded. So, thank you if you decide to take the time to read this.

I am 19 years old, and my mother is not out to get me. Or anyone, really. She's an incredible person, but she's the one I need help with anyway. As a bit of background information, I grew up living with my grandma until her death when I was ten. I chose to live with her because I didn't make any friends where my mom moved when we first moved out of grandma's house. It was tough because I love my mom, but she and my siblings are very different from me. Where they are outspoken, and confidant, and loud, and thrill-seeking; I'm meek, and quiet, and even a little old-fashioned. Fun-loving, yea, and I can be just as 'trailer park' as the rest of them, but I'm much more of a doormat. Anyway, they moved into grandma's house, where my mom and I grew up. When I was 13, it burnt down and the inside had to be redone. Two weeks later, my step-dad (my biological dad is in prison, but he's a really great guy) cheated on my mom and left her (and all five of us kids). So, while they were rebuilding our house my mom worked a ton and I quite literally raised my siblings. We moved back, and my mom eventually started dating this guy Jeff, who terrified my siblings, treated my mom like crap, and never hesitated to tell me how lazy I was (despite the fact that I failed the 10th grade because she would leave and stay at his house for a week at a time, leaving me with the kids).

She finally broke up with him for Dennis, a really nice guy. He moved in with his daughter Nicole, and they got married a few months later. They refinanced Grandma's house (raising the payment $400 extra a month) to build an addition, but never did. Mom made a bad choice involving a weekend up north with my step-dad, and a year later (after a year of fighting, and Dennis' punching several holes in our walls and cubbards) Dennis moved out. But his daughter still lives here. And sometimes (a year after he's moved out) he'll come visit and they'll go on a date or something. But, he won't help pay for anything. So our house is already sold, we have to be out sooner or later. No date yet. And he won't even TRY to help, even though his daughter STILL lives here.

Long story short, my mom has been through a lot, this is the very tip of it all. My whole family has, I don't even want to think about the mental state of my poor siblings. All they've ever known is one hardship after another. But my mom fails to see that we're all going through a lot. I'm losing the home I grew up in, too, and I was just as close to Grandma and this house as she was, if not more so, because I still have that 'little girl' mentality... I've never left home. So, in her pain, she gets mad. At everything. My mom has 36 tattoos, and has never been soft-spoken. I wouldn't want her any other way, I adore her. But... she's so mad all the time, and she takes it out on everyone around her. Not to sound like a teenage drama queen, but she really hits me with it. I'm a horrible monster for so many reasons that don't make sense to me. Nicole (Dennis' daughter) is 15, a pothead, and has slept with 8 different people. None of whom she was dating. Laci, my 14 year old sister, is defiant, and failing school, and asks for money every five minutes. I have been working since I was 14, am now working two jobs (one full, one partime); am starting college this fall after a full 4.0 through HS, take care of my youngest sibs whenever I can, and don't ask for anything (I've never been able to, I got called ungrateful for asking for a ride to the mall when I was younger); and I'm working on getting an apartment so my siblings have a home when we have to move. Laci and Nicole get EVERYTHING. $200 outfits, rides wherever they want, money for anything even though we don't have it... everything. Granted, she still yells at them, but nothing like she does me. She's thrown full milk jugs at me across the room and had them shatter everywhere before telling me to clean it up. Told me to go to hell, and f*** off, and that I don't appreciate anything she's done, which simply isn't true.

I think part of it may be because I've been with a guy for three years, and we're happy... something she's not with Dennis, whom she started dating around the same time I started dating my boyfriend. But that's the only reason I can come up with. And it's not all the time, sometimes she's so fun, so much like a kid and so full of life she's just a blast and I can't think of a better mom. Sometimes she's so sad, and we sit and talk for hours, and she always tells me how smart I am and how I'm her best friend and I just wish there was something I could do to make everything okay for her. Then, sometimes she's so mad, and hateful and scary. And I've heard people say she's not a fit mom, or that she's a b****, and despite everything I just want to scream at them, because she's brought us through so much and we owe so much to her, but at the same time I can't stand her. But I adore her too. And I'll feel like it's the end of the world, and nothing will ever get better. Or, on the flip side, things will be bad, but I know I'm okay cause I've been through so much, that I just say 'bring it on' cause I can take it.

I guess, besides venting, I'm really just looking for a way to cope, and to help my siblings (who are now 7, 9 and 10 [though the 10 year old is mentally slow]; and Laci and Nicole are 14 and 15) get through everything. My mom isn't the kind of person who you can look at and say "Listen, you're being irrational, and you need to chill" without getting the telling-off of your life. Thanks if you read all this, sorry for the length, it's not often I really get a chance to vent.

[berrysweetncgurl]

I went through a lot growing up too, but it made me a stronger person! I am 23 now and take full care of myself. You will look back on these hardships when you get a little older and realize that they mold you into the successful person you will become. Think about it, if you were spoiled all your life, got everything you wanted, didn't have to worry about cooking, cleaning, or working would you be the smart well rounded person you are now. You wouldn't know how to take care of yourself like you do now
Good Luck because you WILL become somebody just stay determined and don't let your family drag you down. I love my mom and dad both dearly but neither of my parents "inspired" me to do anything with my life. But I made it and so will you!!