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    Lacey5765's Avatar
    Lacey5765 Posts: 157, Reputation: 50
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    #61

    Jun 21, 2007, 06:03 PM
    Well for one save and print our discussions here. May not do much but does show your concern. Ask your family members to also write down what they have seen and heard. Do you think you might also get help (very carefully)from the ex? Just be intuative and lay low for now. Stay safe. He sounds like a husband of a coworker. It is always about him and how everyone perceives him. He is so nice to us but she sees a different side at home. Maybe the therapy will help. I hope he will see how important it is and go with you.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #62

    Jun 21, 2007, 06:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Lacey5765
    Well for one save and print our discussions here. May not do much but does show your concern. Ask your family members to also write down what they have seen and heard. Do you think you might also get help (very carefully)from the ex? Just be intuative and lay low for now. Stay safe. He sounds like a husband of a coworker. It is always about him and how everyone perceives him. He is so nice to us but she sees a different side at home. Maybe the therapy will help. I hope he will see how important it is and go with you.
    you're a doll... I have saved the listings for what it's worth. I'll ask family members when it's the final count down, I don't want them any more involved than I have to. The ex has a problem with me, she wanted to be friends and I allowed her to call me, but every conversation was about her and my husband and how he was a this and a that and what he did and so many trivial matters; I tried to convince her that the issue at hand was her daughter but she was all caught up with him... I just stopped taking her calls. She then became rude when I bought my second business (on my own) and my new vehicle. It was as if she had this "only I can have things or do things, not you" so she began leaving some not so nice things about my boys and my husband and I on the answering machine. I don't really know if she'd be up for my calls right now. My son's father, his wife and I are like family, but I guess all x's are not like that.

    It is always about him and how the world perceives him... God forbid if anyone knew the real *** *******.
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #63

    Jun 21, 2007, 06:52 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by goingoofy2
    I would really like to know how to go about proving more of this ...he's on guard now so nothing will transpire anytime soon ...nonetheless, my biggest concern is with my 4 year old and he having to deal with those two if [when] I leave him. He's more than likely going to tell her something so how do I go about it from this point on. If it stops great, but who knows when I'm not home.
    Use your cell phone to take pics of themor a camcorder.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #64

    Jun 21, 2007, 07:24 PM
    should I go on another site and ask this question ... Does anybody know if it matters [when it comes to my boys] that he's had 4 DUI's, ...last one was in 02. He's still a drunken driver but has been lucky ...and so have the people on the road. I'm thinking I would like to ask for supervised visitations but may not have enough to prove. I've documented a number of incidents for the last 2 years however with today's laws they may just laugh it off. He knows so many people, it's just hard to think he would have to follow my requests. His ex filed a restraining order against him last year saying he came after her and verbally threatened her, (nothing physical) nonetheless, they made him go to 8 hours of anger management ....he never did, he got out of it.

    wut to do wut to do ...
    misskobe's Avatar
    misskobe Posts: 20, Reputation: 10
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    #65

    Jun 22, 2007, 03:31 AM
    The fact is that you are uncomfortable with it . And he as your husband is not respecting your feelings about this. I have concerns to why a 12 year old girl will act this way but regardless , your husband is hurting everyone by not taking heed of what you are saying. It is absolutely a choice he is making that he likes the attention that his daughter gives him even though he may not think of it as sexual . It has nothing to do with anyone's jealousy or what not . It is basically to me an issue of a man who is very self serving. My first instinct if you husband does not stop this behavior and you feel like the situation is not inocent then I would take action in taking yourself and your younger child away from this situation and then think of how you can help them from a distance. This cannot be good for you mentally to see this night after night when it makes you uncomfortable .
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #66

    Jun 22, 2007, 07:09 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by goingoofy2
    should I go on another site and ask this question ... Does anybody know if it matters [when it comes to my boys] that he's had 4 DUI's, ...last one was in 02. He's still a drunken driver but has been lucky ...and so have the people on the road. I'm thinking I would like to ask for supervised visitations but may not have enough to prove. I've documented a number of incidents for the last 2 years however with today's laws they may just laugh it off. He knows so many people, it's just hard to think he would have to follow my requests. His ex filed a restraining order against him last year saying he came after her and verbally threatened her, (nothing physical) nonetheless, they made him go to 8 hours of anger management ....he never did, he got out of it.

    wut to do wut to do ....
    Ok, no one is answering this, so I will give you my opinion as someone who detest drunk drivers. I knew someone that used to go out on binges. Years after doing this, he would get so bad he did not know who he was, and would have black outs and sit in his car and doorways until he slept it off, sometimes he would wake up swollen,from all the drinking, sometimes he would not know the people around him family, kids... etc.. When he would go out and I knew where he was going, I would call the local police department and ask them to please keep an eye out for this driver, their reply was "yes we patrol thet area and we know who you are talking about but we can not be a part of a set up! If we catch him we catch him, how do we know he is drunk, this maybe a setup"... No help! The laws in 2007 are stiffer so you may get a different response dthat I did 15 years ago. Mention some high profile drunk driving cases and talk to the chief, not on the phone but in person. His DUIs were many years ago , Im sure they can not be used against him, maybe his anger management classes could, however if you bring up this after all these years it will only seem as though your being vindictive. I for 1, one I would not be getting in the car with someone who had been drinking and a child around me would not either, if he insisted on allowing this child to get in his car I would call the police on the spot or go and file child endangerment charges.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #67

    Jun 22, 2007, 07:26 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by bushg
    Ok, no one is answering this, so I will give you my opinion as someone who detest drunk drivers. .

    Bushg... we don't get in the vehicle with him (unless I drive)... and my children are not allowed either, I would never forgive myself if something happened. It's generally when he's been at the golf course all day (i.e yesterday) and Monday. His [small] family lives out of town, with a number of his alcoholic, divorced friends. When we visit it's an all around drunk fest. This is where he received two or three of his DUI's. He's well known for being a drinker, so it's not going to be any secret dispersed to anyone.

    On many occasions when his daughter was younger he would have her in the car (after drinking) and I would tell him how horrible it would be if something happened... and that was why I brought it up about my 4 year old thinking if I l were to leave him, I won't be around to tell him how wrong it is for him to have my 4 year old in the car after he's been drinking. Several months ago he came home from golfing (w/my son) and I went nutz on him... I told him if I ever found out he had him in the car again, while drinking, I'd call the police. He just told me to calm down. He hasn't since (that I'm aware of)
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #68

    Jun 22, 2007, 07:41 AM
    Listen, stop letting this man anywhere near your son in a car... if he did it once he will do it again. He may not leave drinking but he has poor judgement and you never know what kind of danger your son will be in on their way back from somewhere. I would tell him this and my baby would never get in a car again with him until he reached 18 and consented to it himself. This I would raise total and complete hell over! Your husband is very irresponsible and don't let him kill your son he is doing enough damage to him emotionally but he can recover from that. Drunken car crashes can kill him, then there will be no recovery only a grave. If this is the only issue that you stand up to him on, then so be it. But unless this man gets some serious counseling, and a lot of it! Then there is no way in hell that he would ever crawl under the wheel of a car with my child in it! This I would inform his sorry A** of as soon as he walked in my door tonight. Stand strong on this issue or be prepared to stand at a gravesite someday!
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #69

    Jun 22, 2007, 07:49 AM
    Lacey wow that is such a good idea, I hope she tries that. Madd is a great group! :)
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #70

    Jun 22, 2007, 07:57 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by bushg
    Listen, stop letting this man anywhere near your son in a car...if he did it once he will do it again. He may not leave drinking but he has poor judgement and you never know what kind of danger your son will be in on their way back from somewhere.

    Bushg believe me when I say, he and I have had some pretty nasty arguments over his drinking.. and the what ifs. He's gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe twice a week and I try to take the baby with me (to work or wherever) when I know he's going golfing. Again, my fear is what would happen if I were to divorce him and not be around those days... this A$$ has actually dropped my boy off at his friends sisters house because I had a meeting or something and couldn't take him with. I never met her. That was bad enough, but then he picks him up [drunk] and goes home. (I'm thinking they are home the whole time)
    bushg's Avatar
    bushg Posts: 3,433, Reputation: 596
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    #71

    Jun 22, 2007, 08:02 AM
    Simple , when you work get him daycare , or a babysitter. His life is worth the effort. Do not leave it to chance 1 time. You know he is not responsible and he can not be trusted not even 1 time! Please for your child listen to me.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #72

    Jun 22, 2007, 08:16 AM
    Thanks bush... he starts preschool this year.
    Kayseecharters16's Avatar
    Kayseecharters16 Posts: 10, Reputation: 5
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    #73

    Jun 22, 2007, 08:50 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by goingoofy2
    my 12 year old step-daughter won't sleep in her own room. I don't sleep in the same room as my husband due to his snoring. She's 5'8, a B cup bra, wears tight boy shorts and a v neck tight string tank to bed spraying body spray all over before going to sleep. My four year old son sleeps in the room sometimes as well however not every time. I've asked my husband to please have a talk with her as this is not normal and is actually unhealthy. He tells me I'm over reacting that she's still a little girl and I'm making a bigger deal out of it than it is. She wraps her arms around him and lays her head on his chest, she spoons him when laying down with her leg over him, she sits next to him with a skirt on and her legs draped over his and recently began calling him "daddy" instead of dad ...now the latest, she gives him for fathers day a 9x12 framed photo of her in a string bikini on the beach wearing a padded bikini top, people say it's because he has one of me on his desk in a bikini, uh where's the school or sport pictures?

    ...I'm just sick at the whole thing and my husbands lackadaisical approach. I am near divorce with all this, since it's just so creepy. He tells me not to blame her for what her mother has taught her to be (I don't, but he's not helping) her mom is the town tramp and dresses very [trashy] too, but c'mon this is his daughter already. He tells her to go in her room, but when she doesn't, he doesn't pursue it. People have made comments as to her behavior and more so this is why I've brought it to his attention since he is in the public eye often, somebody is going to say the wrong thing one day and he's not going to like it. Am I being ridiculous? Please help.
    Somethink is very wrong and im sorry to say this but do you think what im thinking
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #74

    Jun 22, 2007, 10:48 AM
    Thanks for that Talaniman!!
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,328, Reputation: 10855
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    #75

    Jun 22, 2007, 12:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by goingoofy2
    Thanks for that Talaniman!!!
    It was highly innapropriate of me to use the agree button to make a point but I just hated to start over.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #76

    Jun 22, 2007, 12:55 PM
    Lacey you made a suggestion in reference to MADD... well in going through my notes and other articles I've saved... MADD was one of the groups that wrote some nasty things about my husband when he received his last DUI... it was all over the internet too, he was so mad at them for saying the things they did. (no pun intended) I'm sure they would be interested in his many [drunken] outings. I do know a good number of the police out here seem to let him go. He was stopped a year and a half ago and the police officer asked him to step out of the car, lock the doors and call someone to come pick him up since he was in no shape to drive. (I picked him up)

    I don't think I should get ugly with all this, I just want him to realize what he's doing [in so many aspects] are out and out wrong and he needs to stop blaming everyone else for pointing them out.
    Lacey5765's Avatar
    Lacey5765 Posts: 157, Reputation: 50
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    #77

    Jun 22, 2007, 01:36 PM
    I think that MADD may be your best resource then. They will not care what his status is in the community. Also if it gets ugly and needs attention you can contact the news stations in your area. They are always looking for stories on public officials. I am not sure that he is an officail or just well known) I hope that it can get resolved without putting your family through all of that. I wish that we all could see these men for what they are before marriage and children are involved but they play the game well. I know you must feel trapped but you aren't. You will get through this. As a mother I know you first concern is for your children, again, are you involved in a church that can help out? They could be a great source for babysitting and suppot for you.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #78

    Jun 22, 2007, 01:53 PM
    I was involved with a church where I used to live a few years ago... loved the pastor to no end, he's since retired and with all the goofy things going on in some of these churches, I'm a little apprehensive. I pray each night, I thank God each day... my husband wants to go to Church one Sunday then has no interest the next. I have a very supportive family, however one never wants to get them too involved since you do have to show up at family parties and such... they are aware of his drinking habits, and have made comments about the daughter, but as far as details, I wanted to keep that a little more private. My husband is pretty well known... oddly enough as one of "the greats" but he's so darn hard headed in believing "Everyone loves me, why don't you" well,not everyone really knows the real *****. I guess that's why I'm wife number four... thinking I was #2 but found out later about the other two.. . there are just so many negatives... I see it being kind of like a soap opera with the more I write.
    alkaline's Avatar
    alkaline Posts: 61, Reputation: 20
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    #79

    Jun 22, 2007, 01:55 PM
    I have only ever watched like, maybe 3, episodes of Dr. Phil in my life, and one happened to be about this type of problem.

    The scary thing is that the details you have provided are much more involved and extreme than what was going on between the people on the show... and they made it onto TV! They needed counselling and to change what was going on. There was a problem there.

    I am sorry, because it sounds like you're in a bad situation that is not going to get resolved easily.

    In my personal opinion, the relationship between your husband and his daughter is totally inappropriate. I think it is overly sexual. I think there is inappropriate physical contact and a total lack of boundaries. Maybe they don't see it that way, but I honestly believe that I am not alone in thinking that is not normal.

    I debated on whether to tell you this, because it is about someone else and not you specifically, but I decided I would just to give you another insight.

    One night I was hanging out with some friends while in college, having some drinks and talking. After a while, the conversation turned to sex, and I guess since he was drunk and feeling comfortable enough, one guy (who is gay) told us that he had/was having a sexual relationship with his father. Needless to say, that was pretty shocking. He refused to indicate when it began (probably because it was before he was of legal age), but only that it had been going on for a while and was still going on. His father was still married to his mother, and he went on to tell us how hard it was for him because he was in love with his father and was very jealous of his mother because she got to be "his wife" and everything that came along with that. Obviously, that was something I never expected to hear, but there was no doubt in my mind that he was being genuine about his feelings even though I could never understand them.

    I'm not saying that your situation is like that. I am not saying that your stepdaughter is in love with her father, or having a sexual relationship with him. I just am throwing out there that things like that do happen, and if it hasn't happened it is *possible* that it could happen. When those boundaries get too blurred, I guess things can happen that are very unusual.

    I really don't know what you should do. I think that you need some kind of third party intervention or therapy because he is refusing to admit that there is anything wrong. I would hope that he heard it from someone else, some kind of professional, maybe he'd come around.

    I feel bad, because I don't want to make you jump to any conclusions, but I also think you are right to be concerned about this. I think you really need to talk to a therapist and get their opinion on how to approach this with your husband or what step to take next. See if you can find one specializing in sexual abuse.

    Goodluck, I hope this works out for you and things are resolved as painlessly as possible.
    goingoofy2's Avatar
    goingoofy2 Posts: 49, Reputation: 13
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    #80

    Jun 22, 2007, 02:13 PM
    This is why I came on this site... trying to get other's opinions and to show him that I'm [and others little comments] are not the only one's who think this is unnatural and unhealthy. In seeing what many have wrote he laughs and says "these people have no idea who I am"... no, that is why I'm asking their opinion because you have a good amount of people schmoozed that they could never imagine such stupid behavior on your part. I did say that I think I should go public and ask his people's opinions... I haven't gotten a response.

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