[Major_Confused]

Hi everyone. I need some help and advice. My fiancé and I met about 7 years ago and fell deeply in love. It was something neither of us had ever experienced before and was simply amazing. About 6 months later we decided to move in together and lived together for about 5 years. During that time we seemed to grow apart and that the "spark" in our relationship was missing. Sex was no longer as amazing as before (we had amazing sex for so long) so it was weird although we still enjoyed having sex with each other. We decided to move out into our own places but to continue to take it slow to see if we truly do love each other. Things had been going really well and last August 06 I proposed to her in San Francisco and she accepted so on our way as I thought. We started to look at purchasing a place together in December 06 and began searching for that home. We looked at several places but one day my fiancé told me that the thought of moving back in with me is terrifying and scary because of what happened before. She gets anxiety attacks when thinking about our future together and it's hard for her to think about moving back in let alone planning a marriage but at the same time she says that she can hear her clock ticking and knows that I am a great guy.

We decided to talk about going on a trip together to Europe to "get away' and remove ourselves from our environment to see how things "feel". The other night when we set time to book the trip she broke down and said that she isn't sure if love is enough for this relationship to work. She loves me dearly and I love her with all of my heart. We decided to take a break and concentrate on ourselves but we find it really hard not to communicate with each other so we text each other and talk still.

Our thought process is that if we start to concentrate on ourselves, then maybe we will see why we feel in love with each other and rekindle the passion we had for each other. Right now, the thought of not being together forever is an impossible thought for the both of us but we cannot move forward the way things are.

Please help...

[Sdjosh]

Sounds so familiar... I am still going through something really close to this. In my circumstances, she was not happy with herself and needed to work a lot of personal issues. Is she going through something like that?

It is going to be very hard to not contact each other. You have such a long history and nobody did anything wrong. This kind of breakup sucks because there was no clear reason. No one cheated or lied or hurt the other. It just didn't work for some reason.

I know most people on here will say no contact. But in this situation I would be there for her and try to work it out. But take my advice... give some space... and time for her to figure it out. Don't go calling her all the time asking questions and putting pressure on her. Would you want someone calling you acting all insecure? I think not. Its not sexy or manly. Be her friend.

Let her initiate 50 percent of the contact at a minimum. In mine I let her initiate 90% of the time. And when she did call. I kept it light and fun. No stressful topics unless she brings it up. But if she does... listen. Just listen. Try to just understand what is going on. She seems scared about moving in with you because of what happened in the past. You both need to take a look at why it didn't work well before. Find the reasons and learn from it. Grow as people. Maybe even get some counseling.

Most important. You are going to be going through some hard times. You are really going to want to talk to her... tell her how you feel... send her gifts and cards and stuff like that. Don't do these things.

THink of this as time to get you straight. Take the time to work on some things about yourself that haven't been up to par. Things you have been neglecting. Go to the gym... start a new hobby. Keep yourself busy.

[Major_Confused]

I don't think that she has personal issues other than fear and yes, I do agree that she has concerns based on the fact that "getting out" of the previously living together time was difficult for us to do. I believe that she feels trapped if she moves in and she has to put aside the fears of living together.

How can you plan a wedding if you are afraid of even living together she says and shouldn't she just "know" that this is the right thing to do?

We live very well together and if anyone were to ask why we are taking a break, we don't have a real reason as we are best friends and have never cheated or lied to each other etc. Like you said, it just isn't work for some reason and we don't know why.

On my end, the only complaint that I have as she doesn't want to move in and start planning our wedding. On her end, she should be excited to do this but isn't. For both of us, we don't want to lose each other if we let go.

We went to couples counseling after we moved out and the counselor said that she either moves forward or gets out. She then decided to go to counseling on her own (she didn't like the first counselors answer) and was told that she needed to end the relationship and was advised to bring me in so the counselor could help her break up with me together. She didn't like that answer either.

The hard part is, we have the same interests, goals, beliefs and are very attracted to each other. We love being together but there is this fear she always has.

BTW - I used to go to the gym a lot and I'm in there pretty good now. It brings me peace. Should I just tell her that I can't have contact with her anymore? Seems drastic but I'm willing to do anything if it will "remind" her that I am a wonderful guy and that we have a wonderful thing. I love her dearly...

[Major_Confused]

Just to add to this, it would kill me to think about her with another man and vice versa.

[Sdjosh]

Just to add to this, it would kill me to think about her with another man and vice versa.

Don't worry about that right now. It sounds like the problem is just her fear of commitment. I would say move the wedding date back or something that will take off the pressure she fills to commit. So that this issue can be worked out.

Is there anything from her past? A bad relationship... parents got a divorce... How old are the 2 of you?

[Major_Confused]

Well we haven't set a wedding date really. We spoke about it briefly and said that next August would make sense as her sister is getting married next month as well as a friend this weekend. All of her friends have been getting married one at a time so I think she is feeling the pressure but doesn't know why she doesn't want to commit to it (getting married) although she wants to get married, buy a house, have children etc.

I'm 36 and she's 30 and we both came off terrible relationships. Her ex was her first love and cheated and lied to her all the time. Same with my past relationship. She says we are exact opposites and that in her first relationship, she was in love with him and gave all the love and got nothing in return. In our relationship, she feels as though I give her so much love and feels guilty that she can't give me the same amount of love in return. She loves me and I can feel it, but I'm unsure what I/we can do to get out of this rut.

Thanks for all your help.

[Sdjosh]

Her ex was her first love and cheated and lied to her all the time. Same with my past relationship.

I would say that this is a big part of the problem. She doesn't want to be vulnerable again. Maybe marriage isn't the right thing right now. You say that she is feeling pressure from all her friends getting married. She needs time. Its not you that's the problem but her past. Be supportive. But not needy.

When I say that marriage maybe not the right thing... I don't mean to say that you should give up or stop trying to work it out. But to back it off a notch. Take some of the pressure off.

[Major_Confused]

Yeah. The ring is off her finger right now and she's holding on to it for me so to speak. She hasn't told anyone (ie - friends or family except for a friend living overseas) that the engagement is off. It seems to have taken a little bit of the pressure off (as well as no pressure to move back in together) but I'm not sure if she's just having cold feet or really doesn't love me enough to get married. I'm just not sure what to do next so to speak.

I believe that the best thing I can do is to give her some space. She says that she's really lonely now though and that makes it harder. I wish that we could just have a fresh start with each other and meet again for the first time.

[talaniman]

She has commitment problems, and is in denial of it, and unless she faces it head on, and deals with it, she will always have this problem. I don't think you can help, and have to recommend leaving her alone, for maybe a month, if she calls fine, but she needs space. You are not young impulsives, and if she has no confidence in the relationship after all this time then she needs to figure it out on her own. Truthfully counseling should have been the solution for her, so give her some reality, leave her alone.

[Major_Confused]

She has commitment problems, and is in denial of it, and unless she faces it head on, and deals with it, she will always have this problem. I don't think you can help, and have to recommend leaving her alone, for maybe a month, if she calls fine, but she needs space. You are not young impulsives, and if she has no confidence in the relationship after all this time then she needs to figure it out on her own. Truthfully counseling should have been the solution for her, so give her some reality, leave her alone.

Good advice I think. I just booked a trip to Europe literally 10 minutes ago and I'm going to take off in August and backpack on my own to clear my head.

I agree that she does have commitment problems and a lack of confidence in our relationship with her feelings. She did say that she loves me dearly but isn't sure if love is enough to survive. I do believe that she does need time alone to reflect and see if I am the one for her or not.

This is hard...

[Major_Confused]

OK... I just had a sort of epiphany last night and wanted to share this with others in hope that it may help someone. My relationship as well as others are all a reflection of ourselves. We as individuals hold too much anger within without ever dealing with it. I have anger towards my father for dying. I have anger towards my girlfriend for not committing her heart to our relationship. I have anger towards my ex (previous relationship) for pain she caused me when we split (have a child together) and taking my son away from me. I have anger towards my mother for seeing another man that is not my father.

I have to deal with each of these separately and bring some closure to each of these before I can be the person that I know I am. They are now my immediate goals so that I can get past the pain and begin to forgive and close those chapters in my life.

My girlfriend needs to remove her fear of commitment and forgive her ex for what he did to her. She needs to forgive me for shutting her out when my father passed away and I completely ignored her. This is why she has a hard time moving forward in our engagement as she isn't allowing herself to trust her heart with me and needs to let go of the fear that she will be too vulnerable for pain if she loves.

We all need to help ourselves and others forgive, understand, respect and most importantly love so that we can set ourselves free and remove the weight.

I am so happy to have come to this realization and I hope that this will help someone else get through any type of pain they are in...