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Budhabelly · Jun 13, 2007, 03:01 AM

Hi everyone,
Need help or a good advice! I appologise about the length of the story, but I feel full story needs to be told to get a clear picture.
Here it is. Met my wife of 2 months about 4 years ago. Felt perfect, and after a couple of months I felt like she was the one. A year and a bit later I had a run in with her parents. One time while I was waiting for her and talking to her parents I got attacked by her parents (VERBALLY ONLY!) with these questions; where is this going? Our daughter is not getting younger (24 at the time) we don't have time to wait for your business to build up (I was building up my business) and things along those line, was not friendly. I was not rude and replied that this is between the two of us, and she can make up her own mind about her future. They did not like my answer. I stopped going there as I felt unwelcome.
This was really straining our relatioship as my partner was very upset. Under suggestion from a friend I told my, now wife, to have 4 days for her to sort things out and come back to me with an answer. In those four days she had a lot of fights with her parents, then she said that its been sorted out. But her mum constantly made her upset and I was not particularly welcome there. I offered for us to move in together, but she felt it was not the right thing to do (she did not want to live together before at least being engaged) 8 months later I proposed to her. Not out of necessity but because I felt that way. Her parents did not react to this. Not even a congratulation.
We have been living together for a 1.5 years now, and its been very hard. I had my own issues with moving out from my parents... but I also saw sides of my partner which I did not like (domestic chores, interests etc.) We decided to get married late last year, and been trying to plan things which just wouldn't turn out, I also took my partner to her parents early this year to sort this mess out once and for all, but I came out of there realising they will never change their mind. (To this dayI don't know what the problem is!! ) The mother also more or less told my partner never to come back.
We went overseas and got married, seemed to be the only options. I wanted to do it, but not under these circumstances, and also once the ball is rolling you can't stop. Its been 2 months, we haven't done a party or anything. I feel guilty in front of friends and family as it starting to look ridiculous (for getting married without them, and for not doing anyhting now). As if we are hidding it from everyone. I nagged her for a few weeks about the party, but got no where, I stopped a month ago and she said nothing about it. I still have not seen her parents, again no congaratulations or anything, not even flowers for their daughter.
All this is slowly taking its toll on me, I still love my partner very much, but its not the same as before. I can feel something changed, and I don't know how to get the old feeling back. The whole parents issue is weighing down a lot on me, especially when I am thinking about the future (ie kids). I get irritated by a lot of things at home now, and generally not feeling very happy. I feel like I can't have a normal relationship with my parents, because of my wife, which is making me even more angry. I have grown up in a family where everyone is fairly close, arguments and all, but still close. A few people said she has one hand on me and one hand on her parents. ( she is seeing them 1-2 per week now, without me), and until she decides where she stands this will continue.

SO after all this I am concerned, and need help with 2 main things;
1. The future
2. The way I am starting to feel towards my wife

I appologise about the long story but any advice would be very welcome!!

RubyPitbull · Jun 13, 2007, 07:16 AM

Budhabelly, I am sorry but I am finding your post a little confusing. I assume when you say "partner" you mean your wife. I understand what is happening with you and her family, but it isn't clear about your family or what is happening with your feeling toward your wife. So, I have some questions:

1. What is her relationship with YOUR parents? Does your family not like her because of how her family has treated you?
2. What is going on with you and your family?
3. Do you both have a problem with each others family so that the in-law issue has become a strain for you both?
4. Can you describe the difference in how you are feeling toward her now than before? What exactly has changed between you both over the past couple of months, as opposed to before you were married?

A little more clarification might help me to help you.

Budhabelly · Jun 13, 2007, 11:24 PM

Dear RUby,
Thank you for trying to help.

1. My parents have so far accepted and welcomed my wife (I am sorry I am still getting used to the idea since its only been 2 months, hence the use of partner in some areas). They are not happy with the situation, but keeping their mouths shut.
The relatioship between my wife and my parents is civil and not much more, since my mother and my wife's mother had an argument about us as well, and my wife obviously takes her mothers side. My parents are trying to see more of both of us and not just me, and the same with my extended family. Every time I tell her that we have been invited here or there, I get that unhappy look, and then when we go sometimes she will sit there looking very unhappy not talking to anyone, and then I have to answer peoples questions "whats wrong?', "did something happen?", "why is she looking so unhappy?" Btw there may be a family invitation once every month or two, or even less.

2. Our relatioship.. I am not sure what I feel, I know it felt different before, now I get very irritable around her, she said she noticed that I am more distant, and not as caring as before. I feel distant, I feel sort of flat, and not driven to make her happy like I did before, and I get angry too quickly around her. There is no physical or verbal abuse, just raised voices.

3. My wife has some issues with my parents, I would consider them normal. These are; she thinks they are too controlling, she thinks they still baby me too much, and things along those lines. It has improved as everyone got used to the idea of us living separately.

4. I guess getting married, brings on the question of kids, and the future. I tried doing something about the situation with my wife's parents, but it didn't work. So I gave up. But what I can see is that everything is a bit of an eye for an eye. If we can't have normal relatioship with her parents, so we can't have normal relatiship with mine or my family. I can see this being part of everything in our lives, and I don't like it.

I hope this clears it up a bit more.

RubyPitbull · Jun 14, 2007, 11:28 AM

Budha, unfortunately today I am a bit busy with some personal stuff. But, I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you. I will try to find some time to sit down and reread through all that you have written and see if I can come up with some constructive advice to offer up to you. You do have quite a situation on your hands and I understand your frustration. This isn't going to be an easy fix. Both you and your wife are going to need to make some compromises. I promise, I will be back. :)

RubyPitbull · Jun 15, 2007, 04:29 PM

Buddha, I have reread your posts over a few times. I wish I could say there was one simple way to fix this but there isn't. You have multiple separate components that are putting a major strain on your relationship that very well might break it altogether.

1. Your relationship with her parents.
2. Her relationship with her parents.
3. Her relationship with your parents.
4. Your relationship with her & vice versa.

The problem is that both sets of parents have too much influence over their children's lives. You and your wife need to recognize that although extended family is important, the most important issue here is that the two of you need to act as one unit. You both need to put each other's needs above any one else's in your lives. That is not happening. Your wife is unhappy because of the strain her parents have placed on her. She actually stood up for you and created a problem in her relationship with them. Your parents got into a confrontation with her parents. Not good at all. There will forever be a divide unless everyone involved agrees to bury the hatchet. That is not happening and the longer this continues, the less likely it will be resolved. The divide is widening every day that it is not confronted and resolved. You are tied into your parents and have made it clear to your wife that you are having trouble balancing her needs and your family's expectations of you both as a couple. Although you made an attempt to rectify things with her folks, it didn't work, so you have totally cut her parents out of your life. Unfortunately, she needs her parents to be involved in her life as a married woman. That doesn't mean that they need to be involved in your marriage. But, you both need to find a way to make her parents a part of your lives just as yours are, especially if you are planning on starting a family together. It is apparent that her parents are as important to her as yours are to you. So, some middle ground has to be found that you both can live with. Is this possible? I don't know. I don't know either of you intimately enough to be able to advise you properly on this.

I totally understand why you feel the way you do. This relationship has had these problems almost from the very beginning, remained unresolved, AND you both decided to get married despite this. The fact that her parents haven't acknowledged your wedding is a HUGE deal. They are hurt and angry that they had no involvement in it, so don't expect any congratulations any time soon from them. Who knows, maybe they are meddling and annoying fools, but your wife is their daughter and you have given them added ammunition against you by marrying her without including them in your plans.

So, from what I am able to pull together here, these extended family problem have ballooned to the point that it is poisoning your marriage and making you both unhappy. I think because of the extent of the problems between the families, saying that you are not going to resolve this overnight is an enormous understatement. I think at this point in time, the best you both could hope for is civility. So, as I said earlier, you need to figure out if you and your wife can find some middle ground here. If you don't have any interaction with her family, and she now has a strained relationship with her family due to her relationship with you, how do you expect her to be all warm and fuzzy with your family? Being around a loving family and feeling like an outsider is what is going on with her. She is uncomfortable and she can't hide it. She is forced to go visit with your folks and watch you acting like your old self, happy and connected. So, she is seeing you happy with your family, but sullen and angry when you are alone with her. Add to that mix the fact that you are expecting her to interact with your family when you are not interacting with hers AT ALL. That must be very painful for her.

Please pardon my bluntness here but I think you need to hear this. You both need to learn how to make your partner's needs the priority or your marriage is doomed to fail. I think it would be very beneficial for you both to find a good marriage counselor in your area if you have any interest in saving your marriage. If you continue on the path that you have followed, you will continue to become angrier and grow apart. I don't know where you live or what kind of insurance you have but here is a link you can use as a starting point.

The Family & Marriage Counseling Directory

I am sorry I can't be more constructive or give you any further insight and help with this situation. It really is much larger and more complicated than the kind of help you can find here. Both you and your wife need to learn to communicate better and learn to work as a united team where your families are concerned. A good marriage counselor is an objective observer and will be able to pinpoint exactly where you both need help in this area.

I wish you the best of luck with this. Please let me know how you are doing. :)

grammadidi · Jun 15, 2007, 04:53 PM

There is basically nothing left to add to Ruby's post. Excellent, caring advice from one of the best! Please take it as offered... you won't be sorry. The main thing is to honour your commitment to your wife and work through all of this. You may feel a little disjointed, distant and 'flat' as you put it, but this first real test of the strength of your relationship will set the tone for the rest of your life. If you work hard to work it all out I believe that you will have a very successful, happy and lasting marriage.

Hugs, Didi

Budhabelly · Jun 15, 2007, 05:41 PM

Thank you Ruby,
I appreciate the honesty and its porbably spot on with most things. I honestly have tried to work things out with her parents. Problem is they are somewhat strange people. They have no friends (they spend every weekend at home), they don't go on holidays. Her mother has hardly any relationship with her only sister, and has very strained relatioship with her own parents. On top of that my wife is hardly close to her grandparents. The feud between my mum and my wife's mum happened when my mum rang her to sort this mess out, for OUR benefit, it did not go well. ALso there was nearly 2 years between our engagement and wedding, in this time we came close to having a wedding, and my wife asked her mum if she would be like to go shopping with her for a wedding dress (everygirls dream) the answer was NO.

I made efforts by inviting them to my birthday last year, together with my parents (perfect opportunity to patch things up) answer was NO.

When we went over there to beginning of the year, it was their chance again to patch things up, but instead I was told: we can't help you wedding we don't have money (they live in a million dollar house) we never asked for money, we just said we want to have a wedding, and we were told if you want to have, have it, but we can't help you. There was a lot of other things said, which finally made me realise they don't want to fix anything!

I am also frustrated with my wife, because she knows all this things, and does nothing. I perfectly well understand it is the hardest position to be in, an I would not wish it on my enemies. But she got treated very poorly by her parents, and I got treated even worse, and she runs back there all the time?
Its not only me that has cut out my wife's parents out of our relatioship its is my wife as well. SHe makes no effort to do anything about the situation, and we keep on living pretending everything is fine. But reality is it will keep coming back to bite us all the time, I have tried explainig it to her, but to no avail.

We did see a counselor, we started about 2 years ago when this whole issue started. The counselor did indicate that she wants to see my wife alone for a few session, but she didn't want to. We also went back late last year when things were not well, and once again, she wanted to see her alone to work on my wife's relatioship with her mum (the main issue). Instead I went back by myself.

I agree that I should be putting my wife's needs before anything else, But I will be honest it is very hard, especially when a lot of things she does I am not happy about. She can be a bit self centered, and I don't like it. Example; I have asked her many times to come and help me with a few things at work, and she has not done it once. Now in my opinion it is in her interest as well that business does well, since if we have kids, it will provide for all of our needs. On the other hand my parents, offer their help everyday, and come and help me here when ever I need to, without me asking for it. THis make me appreciate them more than her, and she can feel it, but I can't explain it to her without having a huge fight, and I am SOOO tired of having arguments. I know its an excuse, but you just run out of energy for those things.

Fr_Chuck · Jun 15, 2007, 06:07 PM

So you don't patch things, up, I have been married 10 years to my wife, and we have been to my parents home 2 times ( one was my fathers funeral) I go about once a year and call every day, but we know my mom hates my wife and just say "so what" we understand that we are our own family and our parents have no say what so ever in our life.

RubyPitbull · Jun 15, 2007, 06:11 PM

I agree Chuck but until his wife accepts that, this conflict will rule their lives.

Honey, I am truly sorry for the anguish you are feeling. I pretty much came to the conclusion that there was something wrong with her parents when you spoke about their questioning you as to your intentions with their daughter and they became nasty about it. Smart and well balanced people don't interfere in their children's lives like that. Since they have alienated everyone else in their lives, they probably put a great deal of stress and guilt onto your wife by focusing their attention on her completely. Now, that you have given me even more insight, it makes your situation even tougher to resolve. Until your wife is able to come to terms with the fact that no matter what she does, she will never please her parents, she will keep on the same track she is on. It actually is perfectly understandable that she is a bit self-involved with parents like that. Through their actions, they have taught her to be selfish. I think it might be time for you to put your foot down with the counseling. You need to tell her that she must go back to that counselor or else your marriage is in jeopardy. She needs to understand completely that this isn't something that is going to go away and that you are desperately unhappy with how things are going. Frankly, I think it would be wise to put the idea of children on the back burner until she learns how to be a proper partner to you. Having children will only complicate matters.

Just some food for thought -- I had a friend who went for counseling with her fiancé. They never resolved their issues and got married anyway. They have stayed married but barely. They have lived apart for many years. Why they don't divorce I don't know but I can tell you that they pretty much can't stand to be around each other. It is very sad. Before you find yourself in this predicament, you need to make a stand. She needs to understand that counseling is the only option if she wants to save her marriage.

talaniman · Jun 15, 2007, 06:42 PM

this situation. It really is much larger and more complicated than the kind of help you can find here. Both you and your wife need to learn to communicate better and learn to work as a united team where your families are concerned. A good marriage counselor is an objective observer and will be able to pinpoint exactly where you both need help in this area.

Boy what a mess you have, and since you both seem to have jumped into this rather fast, its to late to get to really know and understand each other, and go slow, so you'll have to do it now. First stop trying to fix things that you cannot control, her parents and their relationship with you, their daughter, and your parents. You will only confuse and frustrate yourself. You and your wife have a lot of communicating to do, and you need to learn how to talk and listen to each other. That takes time and effort, and most of all patient, so you can find out what works best between you. If your wife will not go to counseling, you go alone. Your expectations for her are high, as you expect her to help in your business, and she is uncomfortable, and you obviously resent her for not being there to help. Get over it or you will never appreciate what she does do well, and you make no mention here so I imagine another sticky point is, what does she bring to the relationship, and are you happy with it. No kids, no job, she has dinner on, with a immaculate home, right?? Comparing her to what your use to is a disaster waiting to happen. My last point , you two are from very different worlds and to merge them into a working relationship will take a lot of time. Most of your problems should have been ironed out before marriage, but if your both willing to give and take, and learn together you can grow together. Honest communication and patient, and kindness with a lot of understanding where she came from, is what you need now. Poor woman is probably lost, trying to be a wife right now. She probably doesn't know what the hell she is about, and how she fits in this life you have.

Budhabelly · Jun 15, 2007, 06:48 PM

Thank you Ruby and Chuck,

I thought so myself, she hasn't made a stand on the issue one way or another ( I wonder if being a gemini has anything to do with indecisions? ), and I can feel it in everything she does at home, and I guess that's why I get frustrated with her. I guess the only option is to work on her to get counseling. That should proof interesting...

Well, if you guys can think of anything else, please let me know!

Btw Ruby, you are worth your own weight in gold!!

Budhabelly · Jun 15, 2007, 07:07 PM

Yes Talaniman,
I agree I need to realise she is not my mother, and will not do things for me. I don't think I have very high expectations, I am the nag at home, telling her to clean her clothes, to do the bed up (if she is the last one to leave), not to leave dirty dishes in the sink etc. Cooking/cleaning is split half, so I don't come home and put my feet up expecting a five star service. She is not awfully messy, but she will create mess during the week, and than spend half a weekend cleaning up, which my logic would suggest doing during the week a bit at a time, and less to do on weekend...

I also thought it should have been all sorted out before the marriage, but as my wife put it "what are we waiting for??" and sometimes you can't argue with female logic, even when you know your are right...

I completely agree that she is probably a bit lost right now, I just wish I knew how to help, and be less frustrated with her...

Dennis777 · Jun 15, 2007, 09:49 PM

Hello Bud.

The fact her parents don't like you is unfortunately the norm more then we like to admit. Many in-laws don't like the person their child has married. The big problem is how your both dealing with it. Your married because you Love each other or should be in Love. You both have to help each other not pull away from each other. Your going to find this can be a fantastic way to make your relationship strong by learning to work together.

Lets look at it in a simple way. She wants to see her parents but you can't so let her see her parents lets say once a week and you see yours at the same time. Your parents are trying to get along with both of you so lets say once a month you go out or have a bar-b-q. In other words make agreements on how much time you spend with each set of parents. You have to always offer her parents the same amount of time but only if they treat you nice.

Now that you have given the parents their time you have to have your own times together where you can show each other how special you are to each other. That means both of you taking the time to plan special things to do. They don't have to cost money they can be as simple as a walk in the park and a pic-nic basket.

Good Luck
Dennis777

talaniman · Jun 16, 2007, 07:05 AM

You never mentioned if she works or goes to school. I mean she has to be doing something with no kids. You did say she leaves where does she go and what does she do when your at work??

Budhabelly · Jun 18, 2007, 02:14 AM

We both work full time. I also work on Saturdays half a day.

JoeCanada76 · Jun 18, 2007, 02:27 AM

I know this experience oh so too well. I am sorry I can not give a detailed answer right now. I will later today and I hope you do not mind. I have had similar strains from wife's parent and sibling at times and eventually choices had to be made. Where a lot better now that the influences are not around.

Best of luck and I will write more later.

Joe

Budhabelly · Jun 18, 2007, 03:14 AM

Thank you Jesushelper,

I look forward to your answer!

Budhabelly · Oct 6, 2007, 09:29 AM

Hi all,

It seems things are slowly getting worse between me and my wife. We just don't seem to be on the same page, We seem to have major arguments about smallest things. We can't seem to find anything in common to do. It simply feels awful! We are young and newly married and not enjoying our youth or our marriage! (I have to admit,I have been a little selfish lately and been doing little things to improve my own mood (exercises, work on my project car etc) as I was realising I was getting very very depressed with not enjoying my life)
We cannot seem to resolve any of our arguments, she tends to: close herself in the bedroom and not talk about it and go to sleep, and the next day it never really gets talked about properly and just goes under the carpet. Our friends are getting annoyed with her as she seems to get more and more moody, and not much fun to be around(and has spoiled a few Saturday nights). I feel like its sleeping away from me, and I can't seem to do much about it. I know my wife feels the same way about it, but it just doesn't seem (to me at least) that she is trying?

donf · Oct 7, 2007, 04:56 PM

My wife and I were 18 when we eloped. Certainly not the smartest thing in the world to do but life went on.

Our mother's, who are to blame for us meeting in the first place worked side by side as telephone operators for the same NY Hospital.

My mother-in -law wanted us to divorce since her daughter was not "Damaged Goods". My mother wanted us to get a annulment, because my wife robbed the cradle by getting me to marry her at 18.

This unbelievable pressure made us absolutely miserable for the first six months. Fortunately for my wife, she was in the US Marine Corps and stationed in Washington DC. So she did not have to put up with any static.

Eventually my wife was released from the Marines and somehow I actually made a decision to stay married. I have no earthly reason why other than I knew from the moment I met my lady, I wanted to marry her.

Any way, the final fallout was that we stayed married, our mothers rarely spoke to each other. I became very fond of my in-laws and my mother never spoke to us.

The upside, we never had a squabble abouts whose house to visit for a holiday. We went where we were wanted.

grammadidi · Oct 7, 2007, 11:24 PM

I'm sorry that things seem to be going so very wrong right now. I think the biggest issue here is good, honest communication followed by age and inexperience! Budhabelly, you say you love your wife and I believe you, or you wouldn't be here asking for advice. You two definitely need couples counselling if you are to save this marriage.

I personally feel very strongly that couples need to honour their marital commitments and attempt everything possible, giving 110%, to make things work. Sometimes, though, it is difficult for one, or even both partners to give 20 or 30%. Those are usually what I call the 'make it or break it' times. If you can get past them the relationship can become so solid that nothing can destroy it.

See, usually when one partner can't give, the other one picks up the slack for awhile. However, in your situation we have two young, inexperienced people who are hurting and incapable of picking up the slack for each other because you are overwhelmed, confused, hurt and angry. This is where a third party can come in to help bring the focus back to what you CAN accomplish together.

I really feel the time has come for a good sit down with your wife, some empathetic, honest and loving communication and for you two to make an appointment with a counselor. If she refuses, then you must do it yourself, to show her that you ARE committed.

If you love her, don't give up at this point in time! I am sure she is feeling similar to you and it's eating her up inside. TALK to her, LOVE her, and LISTEN to her.

Hugs, Didi