[mckenzie134]

Hi,

Ive posted many times on here. Yo can look at my threads. My girlfriend of 3 1/2 years wanted a break and I pretty much bugged her for two months. The first 6 weeks she slept with me she didn't know what she wanted she said. She then said her life was fine and she was happy so I could no longer go on hoping. So I decided to cut off contct with her after two and a half months of talking which got me knowhere but more heartbreak. She would tell me things like I was missing you but that's part of the break up. I was her first love and she said she didn't know if she loved me enough forever. Anyway she was with no other guys and said she just wanted to grow herself. Was very hard for me as she is very attractive and always has guys hitting on her, but says she's not interested and wanted time by herself.

Anyway after a month of not talking to her and well she pretty much told me a month ago LET IT GO.. so I did.
Thought that was the end of it all I was out. She has now called a month later, I did not answer when I first saw the call I just let it ring out, did not want to know or feel the pain again. After 3 and a half months of that I still wasn't over itt but was trying to be by myself and spend some time alone. Everyone told me get out there meet some girls, I tried this for the first two months and did meet girls but my heart wasn't in it, so for the last month I pretty much stayed home on the weekends was prettyt boring, just watched some movies and kept to myself just trying to regather myself and thought a month on my own may help just to move on with things. Although still feeloing that pain of the breakup each weekend was hard but I kept myself entertained and tried to be happy to spend time on my own without having to go out with anyone. It was OK but not that great.

Anyway SAturday night I got a call let it go then I got another call Sunday evening so I picked up and said Hi as time had healed me a little I was a bit stronger and she said how have you been and I said Fine, she asked what Ive been up too and I just said not much.

She then said what are you up to tonight, I said not much she said do you want to catch up. I said what for. She said I want to have a chat to you and talk about things. I said I thought yourve pretty much said everything that needed to be said. She then said Well I've been thinking about things and I've been feeling like there's a void in my life and I realise you are a big part of my life and I just needed some time to find myself and realise what I wanted.

So anyway she came over and was acting really close I just sat back and listened and she said she just needed time to realise what she wanted and realises she wants me to be part of her life. She said she doenst expect me to just take her back and but wants to know if I still want to give it a chance. She said she realises I was a big part of her life and there is a void without me.


I said to her I know she needed the time to work out what she wanted with her life as I was with her from when she was 18 to 22 but I said to her I'm not sure if it would worlk. I said I still care about you but don't know if it would be the same. I told her how we had so many great times and I loved having her as my girlfriend but after all the great things I did for her it has taken her this to realise she doesn't want to lose me. She said she understands and I should think about it. She said she's sorry but needed to find herself.

I said I needed to think about it I don't want a relationship which is on and off I'm not interested in that. She said she understands if I don't want her back.

Anyone know what I should do how I should handle this

Much appreciated

[Ramblin]

McKenzie,

I think the answer is pretty simple. Well, that is if you know what you want. If during the past month of no contact you were hoping she'd come to her senses and realize that she still wants to be with you, then I say you should give it another shot. You say she didn't start talking to other guys during this time so it seems like she was just taking her time to figure things out. As hard as it is to accept the fact that she needed a break to realize this, sometimes that is what it takes to put things into perspective.

So... if you think she is worth it and you still truly love her and want to be with her, then talk things through and try it again.

If you have moved on and feel that she may do this again to you soon and the risk is too great... then maybe take some more time for yourself to figure out what is best for you.

Is she worth the wait?

[mckenzie134]

She is worth the wait...

But I realise she needed the time to figure this out but I still find it hard how someone could do this to someone they loved...

Im confused and feel she does want me but somehow ifind it hard because we were together for 3 1/2 years and everyone knows we broke up it seems so weird to then tell people we are back together like she gave me up then thinks she can just come back how will my family and friends look at me...

[SouthernBelle06]

Maybe she just needed some time to realize her true feelings for you. You have been wanting her back since the breakup and she has come back to you, so I say go for it. Give it another try if that is what you truly want. Start slowly and let her earn your trust back. Don't just jump right back to where you left off. This will be a new relationship in a way. Learn from past mistakes. Just have better communication this time. Give one another space too. Each of you needs to be happy both independently from each other and as a couple.

Congratulations. You have an opportunity that a lot of us on here wished for but didn't get. :)

[Ramblin]

I'm in a similar situation... gf of 2 1/2 yrs. Broke up with me out of nowhere. This just weeks after she brings up the 'ring' talk. Anyway, she starts talking to another guy. I go no contact for a few weeks then contact her and just small talk. Currently on three weeks of NC and still wondering why/how this happened? Just like your situation minus the guy on the side. Of course you're going to ask yourself this and you want answers. Bottom line is this, if you think she is sincere, and you love her and want to be with her, who cares if you have to tell people you're back together... besides, how many couples make it all the way to marriage without any sort of break in the relationship? Sometimes you need that break... However, if you think that she is just creating a temporary fix by trying to get you back, then I can see why you're hesitant.

You say she is worth it. Of course you're going to have your guard up in the early going to protect yourself but you'll soon get comfortable again.

Put it this way... if you don't give it another shot, and you can honestly say that you can go on happily without her and not look back then maybe you should keep on that road. But if you think about her, miss her, and were secretly hoping for this day to come, then it's going to be miserable trying to just move on knowing you could have had her back.

[heathermck]

Hi,

Ive posted many times on here. Yo can look at my threads. My gf of 3 1/2 years wanted a break and I pretty much bugged her for two months. The first 6 weeks she slept with me she didnt know what she wanted she said. She then said her life was fine and she was happy so I could no longer go on hoping. So I decided to cut off contct with her after two and a half months of talking which got me knowhere but more heartbreak. She would tell me things like I was missing you but thats part of the break up. I was her first love and she said she didnt know if she loved me enough forever. Anyway she was with no other guys and said she just wanted to grow herself. Was very hard for me as she is very attractive and always has guys hitting on her, but says shes not interested and wanted time by herself.

Anyway after a month of not talking to her and well she pretty much told me a month ago LET IT GO.. so i did.
Thought that was the end of it all I was out. She has now called a month later, I did not answer when I first saw the call i just let it ring out, did not want to know or feel the pain again. after 3 and a half months of that I still wasnt over itt but was trying to be by myself and spend some time alone. Everyone told me get out there meet some girls, I tried this for the first two months and did meet girls but my heart wasnt in it, so for the last month I pretty much stayed home on the weekends was prettyt boring, just watched some movies and kept to myself just trying to regather myself and thought a month on my own may help just to move on with things. Although still feeloing that pain of the breakup each weekend was hard but I kept myself entertained and tried to be happy to spend time on my own without having to go out with anyone. It was ok but not that great.

Anyway SAturday night I got a call let it go then I got another call Sunday evening so I picked up and said Hi as time had healed me a little I was a bit stronger and she said how have you been and I said Fine, she asked what Ive been up too and I just said not much.

She then said what are you up to tonite, I said not much she said do you want to catch up. I said what for. She said I want to have a chat to you and talk about things. I said I thought yourve pretty much said everything that needed to be said. She then said Well ive been thinking about things and ive been feeling like theres a void in my life and i realise you are a big part of my life and I just needed some time to find myself and realise what i wanted.

So anyway she came over and was acting really close i just sat back and listened and she said she just needed time to realise what she wanted and realises she wants me to be part of her life. She said she doenst expect me to just take her back and but wants to know if I still want to give it a chance. She said she realises I was a big part of her life and there is a void without me.


I said to her I know she needed the time to work out what she wanted with her life as I was with her from when she was 18 to 22 but I said to her im not sure if it would worlk. I said I still care about you but dont know if it would be the same. I told her how we had so many great times and i loved having her as my gf but after all the great things I did for her it has taken her this to realise she doesnt want to lose me. She said she understands and i should think about it. She said shes sorry but needed to find herself.

I said I needed to think about it I dont want a relationship which is on and off im not interested in that. She said she understands if i dont want her back.

Anyone know what i should do how i should handle this

Much appreciated

If this is mac daddy then this is odd how we got to the same site. I say follow your heart girly. Well really do you think you should. I mean you know she probably won't just change all of a sudden unless you can sit and tell her really how its going to be.. good luck hun

[mckenzie134]

No doubt I want her back. I have waited in hope for her to realise what she wanted. Its taken its time and patience may have paid off. Many say that we will just fall back into the asame trap and this may be true. If I don not try I will not know. But yet our relationship was full on and I felt I was not pushing her away enough to give her space she does not have a lot of friends as she grew up in the country and moved here for uni. I now realise I will have more of my own life and not let her see me as often. This may sound bad but she needs to find things to do for herself so when she sees me she will be missing me more. I like to see her all the time but I've realised this is not that healthy as I beliueve she sees me a lot cause she's bored and does not have a lot in her own life which was part of the reason she wanted the break...

Im finding it hard what to say to her I knowits easy to say we will try again but I really don't want to just let her come straight back but then I don't want to drag this out but I do want her to feel a bit worried like I was isee no harm in making her wait for a little. I hope this is the right thing I don't want to play games I just don't want to let her have it all her way...

[rol]

Hi mcKenzie,

I think you are doing the right thing. What can have changed really just in 3 months, she would definitely need a lot more time than that to go through her independent phase.
Tell her to take more time that you both have a lot of growing to do. A year would be a good break to see what your both really want.

[Jiser]

I know of a few people in my immediate family who had split up between four years and twenty years. :P They got back together, two of them married the others have been together for ten years.

You need to grow and learn. Three months is not enough time. Do not talk to her in your time apart either!

[rol]

20 years ! Lol!

There you go mckenzie... start dating her again in the 40s ;-)

Ah no jokes aside, I think you are doing really great hesitating before taking her back. Most of us would have jumped back in there(and I did jump back in) at the 3 months stage.
So really think about this, nothing has changed at the moment, she is most probably bored as you have said and missing you.

Take much more time, while keeping a string of contact. Plus if she has to work to get you back she will think a lot more in the future about about her decisions.

[Jiser]

I agree with rol again. Now she's had her fill of single life, she wants that security and intimacy back of the old relationship, without working on the key problems and issues. These will take time to iron out. SAY NO! Have some respect for yourself and in turn she will respect you. She can't just walk in and out of people's lives willy nilly!

To be honest its hard choice your going to have to make. The healthiest is to not have any more contact with her, light contact will only prolong the agony.

I am a bit of a hypocrite though and met my ex last week, had a friendly chat and I collected some money she owes me for a festival. It went well and to be honest It hasn't really affected me in any way, to me she just seemed like some other girl who doesn't no what to do with her life with not allot going for her. Then I had an awesome weekend traveling, camping, drinking, walking, sight seeing etc etc. I don't need my ex, she was a hindrance to me having a great life.

[brandy681]

Mckenzie, are you absolutely sure that she was not dating someone else and then the relationship didn't work and now that is why she wants back? I am just looking out for your best interest and don't want you to get hurt again. Being a conselor, I have seen this many times. How do you know that she want hurt you again? Especially since you are just now able to move on with your life, first loves are hard to get over and it is obvious by as many threads that you have written that you really care about her. You have two options which is to forget her and move on with your life until you find someone who you will love again. Yes it will take time but it will happen again, I promice. Or you can take her back, hoping for the best in the relationship but preparing for the worse. I can tell you that when a women leaves you because she sais she needs time to think, whether this is the truth or not there is a big chance that it will happen again. Can you handle this, wouldn't you want to be with someone more committed? Whether this is because she is insecure or whatever reason she needs time to think 3 months is a long time and she should know what she wants.. I mean for example with myself, If I am in a relationship and I love someone what is there to think about, you just know what you want for a fact that you want to be with that person. Like I said you have two choices, if you take her back just be in caution that she may hurt you again and prepare for this or you can move on.


I know a guy who dated a girl and she would always break up for 2-3 months at a time and then get back with him over and over again. I think this women liked having him calling her up begging for her to come back and she said no and then she would eventually say that she was ready and needed time to think. This can destroy your life and you can never meet some nice girl if you are waisting time with her. It seems as though she may not want you to date anyone either and doesn't want you to be happy and this is selfish, this may be one reason that she contacted you back. I am not familiar with your other threads but it takes no genious to realize that you are dealing with a young immature girl and working with many people and helping relationships I have gave you as best adivce as I can. If you insist on being with her, take things very slow and if she does this again you need to leave. It is not healthy for you to be staying at home depressed, you need to be out looking for nice girls. Even if you do eventually start dating someone else it will take time to find someone that you will not compare to your ex and you may think that none are like her or none or as good with your ex but in time you will find someone that will be totally committed and you will be very happy. I can say that with a few of my boyfriends, it took time to find someone that I could talk to and have fun with but it will happen.

[brandy681]

Also Mckenzie.. The longer you are in a relationship the harder it is to let go, I know that I don't have to tell you this. You probably realize that if you would have left a long time ago that the pain would be a lot easier. I can since you are in pain because you said that you have written many other threads and you are seeking advice.

You actually do not need advice because you know in you heart what it best to do but when people already know the answer they still seek guidance. (human nature) For instance if my boyfriend hurt me in some way and I come on this thread asking should I leave him, I know in my heart the answer but I am seeking guidance from other people to feel better.

You are putting yourself through a lot of heartache and you probably feel that if you leave her that the time you spent in the relationship was waisted. I don't know how long you was with her but I dated a guy for 6 years and it was hard to let go because I had deep love for him and then I felt as though I waisted 6 WHOLE years of my life. He begged to come back which made me more vulnerable. Anyway you can think of the time that you waisted with someone or more time that you will waist if you stay with them.

If I would have left sooner the pain would have been easier but I stayed even though in my head I knew it was wrong. I thought when dating my boyfriend for 2 years that it was a long time but then you realize when you hit the 6 yr mark how long it is and how many years you would have saved. Anyway you know what is in your best interest and no one can tell you anything that will make you feel differently.

[mckenzie134]

Ive been thinking a lot and I do want to take her back nut I have not done this yet...

I realise now she may have old me lies when she said I need to think about myself. She actually also said that she doesntknow if the ve she feels for me is enough forever...

Maybe she justmeant I don't love you enough but just coudnt say it
Now I think of it when I slept with her 6 weeks ago she said I hadn't felt like this for ages and it wasn't always like this. But I must say we did t all the time and she always toughtit was great and was keen.

So I'm so confused thinking about things she has told me during the break up it just doesntall add up. Its amazing how when she breaks up wit me she can all of a sudden start to lokk at everything like it wasn't that great but yet when she wasointhe relationship wven in the last week she was saying how great evrything was and she was always wanting to see me and sleep together even the nigt before she was sending messages yet few weeks latershe can be like well I wasn't that happy and she was like I don't remember saying that stuff she even wents far as I haven't said I love you for a couple of years yet she said it not long ago. Funny how everything for her seemed so bad once she broke up...
Yet was nothing like this at all in the relationship neveragrued and always fine. Some people I think just are a bit different ad maybe trying to justify things

[talaniman]

After all you've been through, take the time to make a decision at your own pace. Its your time to think of what's best for you, and your future. Jiser and brandy have given you some good suggestions, so what's the hurry deciding what to do? Just as she needed time, so do you.

[mckenzie134]

Why do I feel like I need her and alwaysthough how great our livedwould betogether, so smart and attractive whenever we went out I felt great, I have learned to wonder though why is it that when I have her next to me when we go out I feel so great. For one she has never been a girl to be all over me while we are out likeothers have been but this ssems to attract her to her much more. I like how she doesn't crowd me and is so nice and so many people comment that she's such a nice girl and has her head screwed on well. I always think if I don't end up with her I may not find someone as smart and switchdon. It so hard...

[brandy681]

Maybe because you feel that you can talk to her without her crowding you and being all over you. You say that when you go out some girls are all over you but not everyone is like this, a lot of young girls are affectionate in public sometimes but not everyone. I am young and I am not like this at all. I know a lot of guys that try to be all over there girls in public and I don't like this either for me personally. I like to go out to the movies, dinner and have great fun and good conversations on dates but I am not one to show deep affection in public. I also notice a lot of guys try to show affection on first dates or when first meeting and I personally cannot stand someone putting there hands on me that I hardly know. I like growing to know someone and then having feelings for them one step at a time but I hate groupey guys! She is probably different to you because you know her so well and feel comfortable around her and are not shy to express yourself. I am personally very shy, attractive but shy but I do feel open on these threads to speak what I feel. Being shy is one reason that I don't like a lof of public affection and I also don't like feeling crowded or uncofortable at ALL! Most guys when they see an attractive girl and go out on a date with them they immediately try to hold hands, put arms around them or even kiss. I would not go on a second date with a guy like this but I would rather go out with a guy that is just a "friend" or someone that plays hard to get. I really understand what you feel but I can promice you without a doubt in my mind that you will find someone better than her and someone that you feel very comfortable around. The decision is yours and you know what the best thing to do but it is hard to make I understand. Just try not to put yourself in a decision to get hurt again!

[rol]

I don't think mc kenzie intends to put himself in a position where he could be hurt again.

This is why he has had the sense to stop and think before jumping back in.

The girl sounds like a good girl also, I know how she could feel being in a relationship from 18-22 and not really lived the independent life for a while.

4 months is not long enough, so take another 6 months at least to get both your lifes apart and then see if you can restart something together learning from previous mistakes.

[mckenzie134]

Yes the problem I believe here is she doesn't really believe there are any mistakes she just thinks she neeed time on her own, she said tome if I had of broken upwith her she would have been completely devastated, she may have just said it but she said I was her wholelife and she realised it was nhealthy to totally rely on someone but inanother sentence she said if you are with someone you need to rely on them sofigure that out...

[talaniman]

Well Mac, I can tell you I have felt the same way about a lady more than a few times, and it made me who I am today. It took 6 months of misery to get over my g/f whom I was with for 3 years, and thought it would be forever. Guess what, met another lady a year later and wow it was great, but it just faded. I was young and not ready, so after a string of relationships, and great dates, and a lot of female friend, here comes my present wife, and we were so ready for each other, and now we have 33 years of marriage (does 'shacking count? ). Not easy going through what life throws at us, but good or bad we go through it. Knowing what YOU want is key and being happy is essential. Whatever you do make sure your happy with it. You don't have to settle.