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snapdragon · Mar 4, 2008, 11:06 PM

I know I'm not posting in the right spot, but I've posted here a couple of times and I feel comfortable talking in here. I need a friend. I have a boyfriend, I have a great family, I just need somebody to go out with. Some one to spend free time with outside of the house and outside of my boyfriend. My best friend killed herself 5 years ago, I can't get over it, I'm now judgmental, and I don't know where to go to find a friend. I've tried work, and been somewhat successful, but I don't have a car, so I don't want to invite somebody to do something with me when I'm not the one with the means of transportation. I know I'm just doing whatever I can to stay alone, so I have an excuse as to why I'm so lonely, sad and bored all of the time. It's become a comfort. As weird and twisted as that sounds. I just want to be happy, I want to go out with my own friends instead of tag along with my boyfriend and make him feel miserable the whole night because I'm just out with him to get out of the house, because other than work I don't do anything. I need help. Where can I find friends in my town? And how do I learn to accept people for who they are, not nit-pick, and find something wrong in every new person?

Any advice would be much appreciated
- snapdragon

justcurious55 · Mar 4, 2008, 11:32 PM

Take classes. Something fun like a dance class or some sort of art class. Like pottery. Is there a coffee shop or anything near you that you could walk to? Maybe enlist your boyfriend to help you. One of my ex's didn't feel that I had enough friends (I really didn't. I was really only hanging out with him, kind of like you are now) so he ctually started getting to know more girls so he could introduce them to me (once I started talking to them he'd basically stop). And double dates can be fun too. Or group dates. w/e. the more the merrier :)

KD33 · Mar 4, 2008, 11:43 PM

Go out to events that a lot of people go to, ask to join in a game someone else is playing that looks interesting. And just put yourself out there, you'll find a friend sooner or later.
I'm sorry about the tradgety about your friend :( But maybe your boyfriend will be able to help you lean on. And if you can't find anyone then you have your boyfriend to hold to for now until you do. He's always the one who is your best friend, I mean that's what relationships aren't they? They're teamwork and they stick through the good times and the bad. You'll figure out what to do you'll know soon enough. Good luck :)

YeloDasy · Mar 5, 2008, 10:25 PM

Is there a reason you want to be alone a lot? Maybe you feel guilty having fun and making new friends (possibly guilt making a new best friend). I think you need help grieving... you are not done grieving... and professional help will be great! Or support groups. When you are ready, you will want to make new friends, and will be motivated to find your own interests! I like the suggestions above... photography, something creative is fun, and can help you through some emotional stuff too! :) Good luck. You seem like nice person and a great friend... take care of you and you will be happy!

pasiria · Mar 5, 2008, 10:41 PM

I want to answer your question "how do I learn to accept people for who they are, not nit-pick, and find something wrong in every new person?"

1. Appreciate the qualities in all human beings and accept that everyone is different.
2. For everything wrong you find in a person, find two good qualities.
3. Lend a crying shoulder when someone needs one.

I once read about how cats and dogs are both loving, but different. A dog likes to lick you all over and jump on you. While a cat likes to be touched. My interpretation is that if someone doesn't smile at me, I will. I won't wait for a hug, I'll give one.

Clough · Mar 6, 2008, 03:29 AM

In addition to the fine answers that you have already been given, I just wanted to add that you live in Iowa City, which is a university town and also is kind of like the "Emerald City" of Iowa. You know, like the Emerald City is to Oz?

Iowa City is a hub of social, political, medical, religious and all sorts of cultural as well as arts activities, just to name a few. I am sure that there are groups and/or clubs that you could be involved with that are within walking distance from you if you are not able to drive where you would find people with similar interests to you with whom you could become friends.

What are some of the things that interest you? I realize that there is more to solving your problem than knowing the answer to what interests you. But, it would help to know the answer to that question in order to help you the best here. By the way, "Howdy, neighbor!!"

snapdragon · Mar 9, 2008, 03:15 PM

Thanks everyone for your help! I'm actually in Des Moines now and it's so spread out it's hard to go anywhere, and the public transit is nothing compared to Ames or Iowa City.I miss Iowa city! Your answers helped me to open up a little. It's just so easy to regress. I have my good spells where I want to do things and I can talk to people but I'm also very judgmental of myself and as soon as I feel like I said something wrong or not interesting I scold myself inside and tell myself to just shut up. It's also hard for me to go to a therapist or get "help" because it's like admitting that there is something wrong that I can't fix myself by just trying hard and setting my mind to it (which I guess isn't working. ). I'm going o keep trying and any other help is very welcome thank for all your help

Alty · Mar 9, 2008, 03:21 PM

All of us need help sometimes, going to a therapist for that help is not a sign of weakness, but a sign that you want to get your life on track. You sound like a nice person, albeit a little insecure, and I'm sure that if you open up and let people in you'll have more friends than you know what to do with. First you have to like yourself, then others will follow. Don't be so hard on yourself and Good luck.

KBC · Mar 12, 2008, 07:47 AM

I remember the feelings of loss due to a death and how hard it is to get back to the real world and accept that "not all relationships need end in trauma"

I am a person who doesn't get attached any further than arms length due to many past traumas.This area I am an EXPERT in.(Not the area I want for much longer I might add)

Finding friends who won't leave you in the 'pink cloud' days of a friendship, much less the longterm is a 2 way street, mine has been a 1 way for more than 3 years and it is not a really desirable way to live. I hope you can find a way past the loss of your best friend and find happiness with a new friend soon.

KBC

YeloDasy · Mar 16, 2008, 08:16 PM

Going to a therapist is not a sign of weakness. It is really about learning about yourself, what makes you who you are, and what is working/not working for you. Sometimes you need to work through something before you can just make changes, and sometimes you don't. BUt a therapist can help you do that if you need to, and if not, you won't be going to them for too long. A few sessions will do wonders... :) I am a therapist myself, and I have gone to counseling! And I would go again if I needed to! :) Again, for me, it is just a time to reflect, get feedback, learn something about my behaviors, and make changes with some guidance and accountability. Its not because you NEED HELP, it is just a way to grow persoanlly. :)