[rebbrick]

I have been married for 24 years to a man with a mental disorder. He did very well for many years with therapy and medication but for the last 9 years has struggled. He went through a period where he talked of suicide often, and was told (by his doctor) to stop unless he was serious and needed help. It was emotionally draining. During this nine year period he has had obsessions with three different women, admitting that he wanted a relationship with one and only wanted to be friends with the other two. At one point he told me that he was being drawn to one of the females and wanted us, as a couple to get to know her. I suggested he see his doctor. He was told that it was not a healthy situation, and it stopped until he ran into her at a social function and it started all over again. He was asked during one of his doctor appointments (by me) to stop with the female thing. He said he would but it never happened. Recently, after hiking and having a couple of drinks, he sent suicide text messages to one of the females, a close male friend and me. He then started to drive home, and was in a serious accident. Long story short, he recovered, and continued his friendship with the female just like nothing had happened. He now says that he broke it off with her, it was too much trouble. He is under the care of a new doctor and therapist and given past history will not give the full story of what has gone one. There is a lot more to the story but starts to get petty on my part. Am I being unfair to my husband by telling him I don't want to do this anymore and need time to get myself together, knowing he is depressed? I really am emotionally drained. How do I keep strong when he is suffering?

[Choux]

Is he an alcoholic, too? A druggie?

He is into so much drama, serious and inappropriate behavior, not really stable at all... I wonder what is really going on here... Does he take medication? Cooperate with therapists? Can he work and make money? Do you support him? Why do you feel like you have to go down with him? Have you ever been to a 12 Step Program meeting?

[rebbrick]

To answer your question he doesn't drink a lot and is usually a 2 beer man. However, in certain stages of his illness he will drink hard liquor and says it is to relax. He does not do drugs. He has been under the care of a Psychiatrist but has not had regular visits for at least 3 years. We met with his last Psychiatrist (at the doctor's suggestion) for the needed help with our marriage. I brought up the women and the doctor said "we have limited time and need to work on helping your marriage." A year and a half ago my husband was placed on Lithium. His mood was so much better, but because of the side effects he took himself off it. He has not been honest with me over the women thing and I know that he was not honest with the doctor. Because of his recent suicide note/car accident he was told to get into regular counseling and see a new doctor. You are right about the drama but it seems to come and go with his cycle of moods. I don't know if I can do this anymore. I've been through this for so long. I have made excuses for him, tried to protect my children and did so much volunteer work just to try and stay busy. I was told by a friend that I needed to slow down or I was going to loose my husband. I have always feared that I would be labeled the bad guy and she confirmed it. My husband is a successful business man, and acts different when he is with other people. I know that I have to come to terms with the situation, and I'm scared, but it feels good to just get some of this off my chest.

[xxariesxx]

I don't think you are wrong in feeling the way you do, nor do I think it's selfish in any way. You have been with him for a long time and it appears that while he has gotten some help, perhaps he's not doing every he could or should have done to help the issue. I have been in a similar situation and what you were saying really held true for me. I think that if you want to make it work with him, you need to sit down and talk to him about what you are feeling and thinking, like you have told us, and that you need some serious change and commitment on his part to help himself. Some people might think that's selfish of you to not wan to deal with this anymore, but it's NOT. At some point you do have to take care of yourself, and depression and constant suicide threats and infidelity from someone else is damaging to the people around them.

[jenn4094u]

You are not wrong to feel the way you do... my Boyfriend is bipolar and it emotionally draining. However, I do not believe his illness can be totally blamed for his actions. Obviously, getting him to a Psychiatrist regularly and keeping him on his meds is the first step. However, if this is getting to be too much for you, even though He is sick... Sometimes you have to walk away and just realize you can't fix him and take care of you. I have a very strong sense of moral obligation to stand by my boyfriend, as He is on meds and seeing a Therapist , but I won't loose my own sanity in the process.I feel for you... I really do... good luck

[jenn4094u]

I've been thinking since last night when I posted , and I really think you need a break. There is a point at which you are no good to either of you if you are feeling this way. I, personally would never forgive infidelity of any kind. Phone, internet, sleeping around, it's all the same to me. Mental disorders are not to blame for this kind of behavior. He is. Period! So, should you choose to stay with him, you are basically saying to him, "go ahead and cheat i'll put up with it!" If you're going to stay accept him for who he is, because he is the problem, not the illness. Or, decide you are worth more than that ( which I'm sure you are!) abd go find an unchaotic, peaceful existence without him. Be selfish! God knows he is!

[rebbrick]

Thank-you for your support. I am now under the care of a therapist and the big question, "what do I want from the sessions"? At one time in my life I pledged that I would never let my husband control my life. Then we had children and later we moved to a small community and it just happened. Mental illness is hard for all concerned. Everyday I would pray that he would get better and then one day I found out about the first female. It takes your breath away. Nothing really happened and I'm sure the poor girl didn't even know she was being stocked by a man who wanted to take his fantasy to another level. It wasn't until the next female thing happened that I quit trying. You cover up and do the best you can to protect your children and your image in the community. I blamed myself, and worried constantly. So am I at fault and the answer is yes and no. I have been a coward for a long time and pretended it was all okay. To have someone threaten suicide is awful. To find out the your spouse sent a note to you and another female is heart wrenching. I know what I have to do, but getting the courage to do it is difficult.

[TexasParent]

I'm certainly no expert, so please take this advice with a grain of salt.

It looks to me on the surface that his infatuation with other women is about finding a stimulus ( a drug if you will ). It's like those men who have a sex addiction, they are addicted to the chemical release that sexual activity produces.

Can your husband see that this is an addiction of a sort? Can he admit he has a problem? Does he want help?

As for the all or nothing approach, I am personally not a fan of it unless most other avenues have been explored. In most relationships where someone has an addiction of some sort there is enabling behavior by the partner. This doesn't mean you have acted wrongly or that any of this is your fault; it's just the nature of the beast. There are books that help with enabling behavior and how not to be an enabler while preserving the relationship. You might want to ask your therapist about this aspect or the relationship dynamic and if there are any resources they recommend if they are in agreement that some work needs to be done in this area.

Choux made a good point earlier about a 12 step program. He might benefit from one, but we can't control the person who has the addiction; so you might benefit from one, because in the end it's only our behaviors we can control. Something like a Co-Dependant 12-step program might be something to look at.

Anyway, good luck to you; it's very difficult for anyone dealing with a mental illness or addiction in the family.