[Dora]

I need an opinion... my mother has lent me money for some computer programs and we get our cell phones together so I deposit mine in her account every month to pay for mine and pay her monthly to pay her back for my programs. Lately, my work has been slow, and I will not have the money until next week to pay her for my cell phone and she came to my house today and said Why am I doing this to her and she wants her money for my cell phone or I can cancel it she wants it out of her name and doesn't want to help me anymore... I have never done anything negative towards her, and even offered for her to live with us since her husband died. She treats me worse than a bill collector and I am her daughter. She has called me before if I have been a day late and also harassed me like that... like I am doing it on purpose.. I don't have money a lot in the bank, but she has a lot of it in the bank from her mother, my grandmother who gave her everything, so it is not that she needs it. Don't get me wrong if I owe it I don't expect someone else to pay it, it is how she treats me. She helps her one older grandson with money yet tells me and my sister that she has no money, when we know she does. Everything she ever did for for us she brings up all the time that she did this and that for us. I can't take the way she treats me anymore.

[Dora]

Does anyone have any advice for me on my post my mother treats me more like a bill collector than a mother?? Please help...

[justjamestx]

Dora,
Sorry to hear that you have these problems. I couldn't emagine such a problem. My parents would give me anything; however, they cant. I grew up in poverty and worked from a very young age, but I knew my parents loved me. My dad had serious medical problems when I was about 7 years old so it was tough on the family, but we managed. My only suggestion would be to not borrow from your mom if at all possible, but I would emagine you don't to often as it is. Have you tried just having a serious talk with you mom about this issue. Only guessing but there must be some serious issues between you from back when. I realize that is probably the standard answer it may be of no help. The best bet would just never borrow anything from her and not accept her help; however, life is not so simple and sometimes you just got to do what you got to do. So I while I can see you hurt and pain for your moms attitude towards you, I can't say that I understand for I am not in that situation. First I would try the communication, then if that didn't work, I would try my very best to never borrow or accept anything from your mom. Well,, I realize that didn't help much, but it is all I can think of. I wish you the very best of luck!!

[Dora]

Thank you for your response... you sound like a very caring person who had a wonderful family that if they had it would have given you the shirt off their back... I am not going to ever ask for her help again and never take it if she offers it... I still care about her and love her, but she doesn't know how badly she hurt me and made me feel belittled... a way I would never dream of making my children feel... thank you again... and bless you *

[justjamestx]

I should have mentioned this in my first response, so I aplogize for writing another response. What you must realize that it is not your fault. All one can do is their best an move one. Learn from the past and change to better our current situation. Stories like yours are all to common these days and it is very sad. My family did have some very bad issues when I was younger, for I feared my father, not out of love but due to his violence, anger and short temper. It wasn't till I was in the Marine Corps that I stood up for myself and no longer feared,, but all this does not help your situation. But remember that it is not your fault and demand respect. Ok,, that's all I have. Again, I wish you the very best of luck and I am sorry that I have no real solutions.

[Dora]

I just wanted to say that I still love my mother and would do anything for her, but the WAY she treated me and the way she said things to me, that is what bothered me. Again, being a mother myself, I would never dream of treating my grown children like that. We have a close relationship and they know I would never make them feel low or funny in anyway, I always encourage them and up or down I am always there for them. They are never afraid to come to me and talk about anything. I am grateful that I have what I have and still have my mother, but maybe someday she will realize your children's feelings are way more important than any money especially if you didn't do that to her on purpose it was out of your control. Her mother gave her everything she had, everything and never asked for her to pay it back to her. Yet my mother that day said "I lent you money what did you expect me to do GIVE it to you??? " That made me feel really low... thank you for your responses and help...

[Dora]

This is just an example of how my mother is... she knows we don't have the money right now yet she will tell me she has nothing in her life since her husband died... which she does she has friends, me and my sister and grandkids, etc... and her mother... who is disabled... yet she called me and said guess what I got... I said what she said a beautiful basket of flowers from my niece for Valentines Day... I said that is nice then she said then guess what else... Her brother, my uncle took her out for a steak dinner for Valentine's day and again I said that is nice... she knows we don't have the money for steak let along to send anything in the mail, but an example that if you have money to buy her something or take her somewhere then you are good enough in her eyes... There is a lot I could say... when she ever helped anyone in the family with money (which she got all from her mother, my grandmother) she would make sure everyone knew she did it or bring it up that she did that and did this... I think when you do an anonymous thing for someone that is the most wonderful gift of all, but she could never do that and not take credit for it... she has to take the credit. She was also going to protect some things since she is alone from the state taking it all if something would happen to her putting my sister and my names on them, she brought it up, then ended up saying she couldn't that we could throw her out of her house and she wouldn't have "control" anymore... yet we would protect it all for her and never dream of any of that... that is another example, so it isn't all me looking like I just expect her to do this and that for me, because I don't... I just feel alone a lot of the time and like I have no one to talk to... thank you for listening...

[justjamestx]

Not sure I can give you the advise that your heart so desires; however, I can provide a listening ear. I feel your pain and fustration, yet some people in life will never change. You can have a serious talk to your mom, then try "tough love",, which in short demands respect, if it is your mom that cannot respect you then avoid her. Yes I realize this is so easy to say, yet so difficult to do. Does you mom understand how this makes you feel? I have read many relationship books; however, they were for man and woman relationships not so much for parent children. You may want to see if you can find bood on the subject, sometimes they give good advice. Books are so generalized, but sometimes you can find bits and pieces to use in your own situation. The books I read helped so much that I am divorced, so you may not care to take my advise at all. But I can tell you that in any relationship,, it takes two, both parties willing to work it out, and that can be applied to any relationship. Sometimes is something small such things said came across with the wrong preception; however, most times the problems are far more difficult. All you can do is to be the very best you can to improve you own condition in life,, and if it is your mother that tried to just keep you down, then either realize that what she says is usless, or avoid her at all cost until you can realize so it won't bring you down so much. Some people are just so self centered that nothing will sink in, but in time they will be in their own self pity. Life is not about material goods, but love. For I would prefer to have love with nothing, than to have everything without love.

So just stand proud of who you are, and let no one bring you down. You can only work to better yourself and no one else. Just try to look ahead in time and know that where you are in your life right now, you did your very best. You mom may or may not ever change, so just take the things she tells you and put them in the proper prospective. I am not telling you to hate your mom by any means, but you may consider avoiding her until you are able to realize that is just the way she is, and not let her words bother you.

Well, once again I have rambled on without any real substance. I posted a reply not because I had an answer, but because I could see you pain and fustration and hope that you are able to overcome these difficult times as soon as possible. Again, I wish you the very best of luck and hope to hear from you again.

James

[pasiria]

Hi,

I really sympathize with you. My mom gives my brother money and his sons too. I never get anything for my birthday. Once I repaid my dad a lone and he said he would take care of the interest because he intended to help me and part of the interests belong to him on an old account. But, my mom demanded that I pay for it. She has abused of me emotionally all the time. I love her, but I dislike the way she is. I'm staying away from her emotionally. When I visit, it's plain small talk. This situation makes you feel so unlucky. Why can't we have nurturing moms? I feel hated by her. Once I had minor surgery with just local anesthesia. I was alone with the staff because no one was aloud inside. Well, when I started to feel unbearable pain, all I could think of was mom, mom! On recovery my mom did not show up, she did call, but I needed her so much. I use to lay in bed. I needed assistance for everything. My big sister has always acted like my mom and she was there to cook for me and help me get around. God bless her. I know how you feel. It's a mixed emotion feeling, like remorse, love, sad, confused and a feeling of emptiness. I really hope to have children soon and love them so much and make them happy. My mom use to always call me names. I posted about her just last week. Just check my profile. I would advice you to leave her alone and do not ask for any favors. God will bless you with love from other people.

[spoilsport]

Opinion...
Stop linking your cell phone with her. Stop asking her for money. Reduce your calls. Thank her for her help so far.


And
Check why is your phone bill more if it is more. If you are making calls to comeone whom she does not approve then it have a honest discussion and solve it.
Check if you have offended her in any way if so apologise.
Just because she has money from someone else doesnot mean she has ready access to it.
If she gives money to someone it may also depend on the quantity and the frequency and she is the best judge and decider as to whom to give money. So you can't judge her from that. If you are working and can support yourself, then stop tryingt to take money from your mom - especially if she is in need for it.
You can even ask her how best you can help in her tough time

Offering a help to her which she can't or won't take from you doesnot mean you can continue to take help from her!

There is a huge difference to amom between a daughter and a son. . the same way as a daughter is different to her dad than his son.

Someitmes a person has already given so much that they don't have anything more to give. Especially when they give more than what they can give off themselves , whenever they perceive that they are asked something off them it hurts them. And the worst part is many times we take them for granted or may not even know it when they have helped us so really it is difficult to judge. Just keep acknowledging and thank ing and slowly things may improve - if not you don't really loose anything.

Being emotionally dependent doesn't really help- nor will blaming anyone for it or judging them.
After an age it becomes more appropriate if we become mothers to our moms. At least mentally decide on that one. Then the expectations reduce- our giving them begins. No matter what our situation in life is. Its better that way. Besides mom will know when to help and if she can and is able to - she will definitely do it.
Keep that trust

PS:have you tried sending some heart felt wishes to her througha hand made card(soemthing within your means) Reason I say this is that probably your mom wants from you is a participation in her life, in her sadness and her joy. Hear her out sometimes and give her time. This too shall pass .if not don't worry about it you are quite old enough and have kids too so you know what not to do with your kids.