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confused_mom · Nov 20, 2006, 11:12 PM

I have a 4 year old son who has spent a total of 30min with his biological father since I was 3 months pregnant. That was December 22, 2005. The father left me because he thought it was going to be a girl and he didn't want one. I called him when my son was a week old, as soon as we got out of the hospital, and told him the info that he needed and then asked him if he would help out with money. All I asked for was $250 a month and he told me that he would send a can of formula and a pack of diapers and that was it. I told him that I would go for child support and he said that he would then fight for full custody. Being young and stupid I decided that I wasn't going to risk that. I went to work a month and a half after my son was born so I could support him. For the first 2 and a half years I was working a lot. Him and his family sent a few presents at Chrismas but never called to see him or send money. In December of 05 the father's grandparents told me that he wanted to see my son. I thought that was great and told him to come over. He brought his 2 neices and only spent 30min. I never got a call for him to come back and still never go any money. When my son's birthday came in March I never heard anything. No card, no presents, nothing. I recently moved and was finding it hard to keep my son in clothes and my fiancé is paying for his child so money was really tight. I asked my ex to allow my fiancé to adopt my son and he told me that he would never allow that and when I told him that I needed money to buy my son clothes he told me that he was never going to give me money and that he would buy what he thought my son would need. I have not heard from him since. He knows where I live and knows my phone number. If he has called he has never left a message and his number does not come up on caller ID. I want him to step up and pay for his child but my son thinks of my fiancé as his father. He has never known anything else and I think it would be too much for him if his biological father was in and out of his life. I know this man would never be a regular and I think it is unfail to put a 4 year old through that. I have kept pictures and tried keeping in contact with someone in his family and have made a promise to myself that I tell my son the truth when he is old enough to understand. What is the time that his father not be there before I can go to the courts and tell them that I want child support but the father is not going to be an active part of his life? Do I have anything or should I just keep going the way I have been?:confused:

isabelle · Nov 21, 2006, 07:06 AM

Hon, you should have went to court a long time ago. Some men use the threat of taking the child to scare the mothers and it works so often that it breaks my heart.
My advice is always to talk to an attorney. You do not have to hire the first one you talk to.. you can shop around.
This man has never used his visitation rights so why do you think he would use them now? After the hearing he may come around a few times. But do you think he will be there often?
The attoney may get you not only child support but some back child suport. Some of these fathers are in for a big surprise when the court date arrives and some never show up. I do not mean to give you any false hope but I just can't see this man taking or wanting this child.
Your attorney will advise you but take all papers with you, the baby's doctor has a chart where he keeps notes from every appointment.. use them... if you have credit cards take all the bills for clothes or toys with you... use your neighbors to tell how the child acts and how well they see this child being cared for... id the child is in pre-school.. use that. You get the idea.. use anything that you can find on paper and let your attorney choose what he/she needs. He/she will also have many more ideas then I have for your "paper trail"
Of course we never know what a judge will decide but from what you have told us, I don't see a problem and I do think this "father" going to get a big surprise.

Good Luck and let us know how all this turns out for you.

ScottGem · Nov 21, 2006, 07:14 AM

Isabelle is right, You need to get an attorney and sue him for child support, not just going forward but back support as well. While he might have had a chance for custody when the child was first born, I doubt if he has any chance now. You have managed to raise your son for 4 years. You are in a committed relationship. He has made very few attempts to be a part of his son's life. All those things are going to work against him if he counter sues for custody.

I would not, however, bring up your fiancee's adoption again. He does have the right to refuse to relinquish his parental rights.

cherri1966 · Nov 21, 2006, 06:22 PM

There is no time frame if he is the father. You should NOT allow him to threaten with custody, please he don't have a leg to stand on. You should NOT allow him to get off without supporting his son. It's great your son and fiancé have good relationship but that does not mean your son's father should be let off the hook. He took part in the conceiving of your son, so like wise in the support. You can file for support at anytime and you don't need a lawyer to do it. You can even do it online with the state you live in.

Fr_Chuck · Nov 21, 2006, 06:53 PM

About one minute after the child is born, first you have to get custody orders, and file for child support,

pumibel · Nov 22, 2006, 10:04 AM

All I get from my daughter's father is the monthly child support (I am happy to get that)- the least your ex could do is support his child financially. He can't do crap in the courts for custody if he won't even meet his minimal financial obligations. If he thinks a can of formula and a box of diapers is all a kid needs a month then no one would award him custody anyway. Sounds like your son is better off not knowing the man.

It really ticks me off that people can be like this. It's the 21st century and the man didn't want the child because he thought it would be a girl?! Did he think he came out of a man's birth canal?

confused_mom · Nov 22, 2006, 11:00 PM

Well I talked to a lawyer today and they told me that no matter how long it has been since the father has been in my son's life he still has every right to go for visits and whatever else he wants. I mean what does it take before someone realizes that it has been so long and it will crush my son to find out that the only man that he knows as dad isn't really his dad? I know it is going to happen but why at 4 years old? They told me that I should go for child support right now and sit around and wait for him to file the visitation papers. I'm sorry but I will keep busting my butt working to support my son. Yes he helped make my son but in my opinion he lost any rights to him when he wasn't around all these years. If someone else comes up with something please let me know. I could really use some help.

crybabypirate2255 · Nov 23, 2006, 01:02 AM

My dad was exactly like that. My mom told me when I was 4 years old. She said, daddys gone and he ain't coming back and the only way we'll make it is if we accept it for what I is. He is a troubled soul never to be considered a dad or a man and we should take pity upon him. And for that I am truly grateful. Don't feed your boy what isn't true. He will be happy and grow with a strong heart and understand. Then go to court and tell them what I'm telling you. That the father, may be his biological father, but we will never call him so until he acts like it. Search for a real man, and tell your boy that's his new daddy. Make sure he's the right one before telling your boy that though

ScottGem · Nov 23, 2006, 07:01 AM

First you might want to consult another attorney. While I agree that he is entitled to visitiation, I disagree with the "whatever else he wants". I would post a note under the Parenting forum asking for advice on explaining to your son about his biological father. I think you need to do this ASAP.

But the bottom line is the bio father does have rights.

isabelle · Nov 23, 2006, 08:50 AM

Scott is right.. the father does have rights... it may not be sound fair but it is the law.
I also don't agree on the "whatever else he wants" I think that in a case when the child does not know the biological father.. the court goes very slow... I do not think that the father can just pick this child up and leave the house... until the child gets to know him... The court does have the child's welfare at heart.
Ask the court for supervised visits to start with.. in order for your child to get to know him and to feel safe.
I don't feel that any man who has never seem his child would stick around very long... This may be a way to make Dad feel good about something and maybe he will fade away as he did before.
In the mean time.. you have to tell your son the truth... he does have a biological father out there. Try not to say anything bad about him because children sometimes feel that if something is wrong with either parent then they must be something wrong with themselves because there share the same blood. Kids can get some heavy ideas and we don't want to hurt the child by proxy.

pumibel · Nov 23, 2006, 09:13 AM

Originally Posted by confused_mom

I mean what does it take before someone realizes that it has been so long and it will crush my son to find out that the only man that he knows as dad isn't really his dad?

Have you spoken with a family counselor or a social worker? Maybe you can get some advice on how to talk to your son about this without confusing or troubling him.

It does put a whole new loop in the string that your son has had a father/son relationship with your current partner. I think kids understand more than we give them credit for, but no telling how he would process the information about his real father. I have a policy that I answer my daughter's questions, no matter what they are. You just have to adjust the information to his age. When my daughter asked about her father (who has never seen her) I told her the truth, and I didn't interject my opinion or paint him to be a bad person. You don't want to look like the bad guy later on in your son's life when he is a confused hormonal teenager!

I think that your son will always understand that you are the one who really loves and cares for him and that the person he calls "Dad"has not so much to do with biology.

Hang in there and take care of the legal part of your troubles. It has to be frustrating, but I have known a lot of women with similar situations. Your lawyer is probably your best friend right now!

s_cianci · Nov 23, 2006, 10:04 AM

You could petition the court to allow your fiancé to adopt your son anyway. Actually, you'd be better off waiting until you're married, then file the petition. Even though the biological father has indicated that he refuses to consent to an adoption, given his indifference and total lack of support, financially as well as emotionally, you can explore the possibility of the court granting the adoption anyhow. You'll probably want the help of an attorney with this.