Have I got depression?
For about a year I've been so de-motivated. Last year coming back from a journey I heard something, that linked to my past. I can't tell you what, but all I can say is I asked a religious scholar, two scholars in fact and they both remarked all is required is that I ask for forgiveness and I move on; forget about the past.
Ever since than, life gradually has taken a turn. I've lost the peace in my sleep, I lay in bed for hours on end, looking at the walls, tossing and turning. But it has become so difficult for me to fall asleep. As I result I stay up until 4/5/6/7/8 into the early morning. Only than can I sleep.
I attend university. I went in for my first semester. But for my second semester I very rarely went into university, lectures. I just went in for my exams; may and June. I've got 2 years left upon completion of my undergraduate degree. Thinking about them two years, I can't study anymore. Previously in the past, I always used my family as a motivation but that affect has dried off. The thought of mixing in with people at times, the whole idea I can't do it. I don't know why, but inside the tables have turned and I'm not driven as well as I use too.
My hobbies. I use to be a video game fanatic. Use to play everyday for a few hours. Recently, however I have trouble playing video games. The thought of switching on the console and playing with people I guess, gets to me. I use to very muscular until my operation. I joined the gym, paid for membership and never attended. I was well versed in weight training before, was very muscular for a teenager, but the thought of weight training doesn't attract me anymore alike video games.
I'm lost for words. When I think of what to write or what to say; I be lost for words, developed a small stutter. I can't make decisions as easily as I use to. Doing any household work, or going through the internet seems so complicated and long. For instance my mother requested for me to clean out the front drive. This was a week ago, and only today did I carry out a bit of cleaning of the drive. And I only done like a fifth of it and went back inside.
I hardly eat anymore. I eat like once a day very rarely twice a day. A while back me and my aunt met up for a social outing. She was offering me food to eat. Watching me eat she said, "you look like the foods going to kill you", "why do you struggle to eat". I'm 19 and there was a time when I use to weight 13 and a half stones during the period I use to weight train. Recently I weighted myself, I was like 7 and four fifths of a stone.
I think about death a lot. I think about ways of killing myself at times. Always question myself in what is the point of living? I always say, tell myself. My mind has thoughts of how I'm going to survive until I reach twenty, let alone the rest of my life.
My mind always maintains a heavy feeling like a mountain has been placed upon it. I think all the time. I think very deeply into matters. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want to live life like this. I'm always depressed, I keep asking myself, "for how much more longer can i keep hiding behind a smile?
i took an online test for depression. i think it was out of fifty. i took two runs, first run i had a mark of 43 compared to the second run which i had a mark of 49. my uncles and aunts keep informing, " your depressed". Go to the doctors. My family aren't much aware as for the majority of the day I hide in my room, very rarely going down stairs and being around family.
I've started smoking. Its been over half a year. I smoke with the intention (this is going to sound idiotic) that committing suicide is wrong. So through smoking I'm killing myself slowly.
Thanks for reading in advance. Kind regards. Shak.
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