[emzeena]

Im a 19 year old girl, who born with a cleft lip and palate has been through tough operations and a lot of bullying about it throughout school. I also had weight issues and have been somewhat overweight for most of my life.
Two years ago, I was sexually abused by my father, which destroyed me as a person, made me introverted and difficult to trust people - now managing to scrape myself together enough to go to university, everyone I live with, who up until now have been my friends have turned around and told me that they don't like me, with no explanation - and no one is talking to me. I feel so alone, and I don't understand why all the bad things happen to me, why can't something good happen for a change? I feel like these people are driving me out of my home and ruining my degree.
Does anyone have any advice on what I could do? I have been to counselling before and didn't like it, I've not been close with my family since the sexual abuse, and now I seem to have no friends. I just want to be happy :(

[Fr_Chuck]

You need to keep going to counseling, if you don't like the one you are going to, find another.

To be happy, we first have to like ourself and learn to be happy with who we are and to accept ourself. You have had to problems, and can't stop what others say or do, but we can change how we feel about ourself, so that what others say does not bother us near as much.

Esp for the sexual abuse, you have to get help, since that will take a lot to get though.

[emzeena]

Easy to say but not easy to act on :( as I can't afford to pay for a counsellor there is only the same one I could see, and I found it utterly pointless. She just asked me what id been up to that week.

I also think that I will always be unhappy with myself if for no other reason that my cleft lip - its something I see everyday, which probably looks worse to myself but its still there making me different.

[Wondergirl]

If you must stay with that counselor, do what I would expect my own clients to do if they were unhappy -- nicely confront her. Tell her exactly what you have told us. You need counseling, not mothering. If she has been properly trained (master's degree at least? ), she will get your point. Sometimes the client has to shape up the counselor a bit. I always warn new clients to do that if they are unhappy about something I do or don't do during counseling. Then we talk about it and get it resolved. After all, isn't that what counseling is all about, being able to relate to people?--and especially a client and counselor must be able to relate to each other.

In fact, you might be the best client that has ever come her way and will make her a better counselor. On your own, make a list of things you want to fix in your life. Then set up priorities. When you go in for counseling, announce that you have made a list of things you want to change and the first priority is X. She should not tell you what to do, but should brainstorm with you and let your ideas flow freely. Eventually, as you explore and talk about these ideas, maybe in more than one session, you will come to a decision on what to do about Priority One. In other sessions, discuss Priority Two, and so on.

Let us know if things improve with her as your counselor.

The cleft palate is something that certainly can be brought up. Your appearance involves yourself esteem. Perhaps there are makeup tricks that will help. And perhaps knowing that each of us struggles with a problem of some kind, physical or mental or emotional, might help. Talk about this with her.