[alibaba54]

Hi,

Let me first introduce my relationship to you
I have been in a relationship for close to 2 years. I live in China. She is Chinese. Our relationship has been full of ups and downs.

Also, I have cheated on her in the early stages of our relationship. No love but few sex affairs. It always remained short. I told her once that I had cheated on her with several girls and we got back on a better relationship. From then on I stopped. That was more that 1 year ago.

Soon I felt not so attracted to her kisses... Even repulsed. And more specifically during the sexual act. I did not know how to talk to her about that. We were still having sex.
Soon she also found out a way to every single time, and very fast. She just had to come on top of me and ride me in a specific way. It so happened that I did not so enjoy that. I also was unable to discuss that with her.
Until I had to because I was becoming depressed. I felt she was too greedy about sex, only thinking about her own satisfaction and taking everything from me without sharing with me the moment. I almost felt as if I was treated as a human sex toy.

She was affected of course... She stopped doing that, but then she did not know how to behave anymore in bed. I had also lost my feelings so I was not coming after her so much anymore... And if I was, I was often disapointed by the kisses, the touch, everything... So I kind of did not want to touch her anymore...

We broke up again. Somehow she discovered a sms in my phone that was telling a friend of mine that I'd enjoy having sex with that other girl I had met in a bar, followed by a sms to her asking her for a date... Anyway that was stupid... But she threw stuff in the house and we broke up quite bad.

I met another girl on the next day. That girl is the root of my today's problem. Somehow I slowly started to like that girl... and soon we got into sexual relationship. And it was like heaven. She is a sex goddess.

Meanwhile my ex and I talked and got back together. Maybe our sexual relationship was failing but we were still close. Sometimes when I think of my relationship with her, I think we are like best friends.

Unfortunately I was not able to stop with the other girl. Every moment with that girl was a good time. Especially sexually we were strong together. I can't tell if we could hold the distance because we are not yet best friends. Finally I broke up again with my ex.

I was convinced that that new girl was going to be the one... But somehow in the middle of that storm I had a doubt. And I decided to give it some time.

That was until I talked for one last time with my ex. Well we both put our heart on the table. I told her everything about that other girl... And we both decided to give it another chance.

I told that new girl that I was going to go back with my ex because I felt it was unfinished... It is hard but I am sticking to my decision. I miss her though and especially I miss the sexual aspect of the relationship. I did not fail yet but I might... Just thinking of her and I get a hard on... She also is trying to attract me back to her... So far I stood firm.

Meanwhile I tried to cherish my ex and give her the best. It's only been 1 week+ that we are back. We had sex on the second day we were back and it was great. I enjoyed all even her kisses. It's been about one week (she got her period), yesterday night she wanted sex again... She started with some heavy kisses, licking my chest and tummy... It was too strong, I could not take it. I asked her to slow down... She came back kissing me... Her mouth was so wet and so wide open... Somehow I could not take it. I felt repulsed again. Finally, even though my body was craving for sex, I pushed her away. We talked about it... Somehow I feel as if the connection with her is lost... On top of that I miss that other girl's body.

I had in mind that if it could not work with my ex, I would not go back to my new girl and just move on... But how to fight this desire? It's devouring me...

Can somebody give me some advice?

[Gemini54]

So let me get this straight:

- you've been in a relationship for 2 years and cheated on her, a number of times, in the first year
- you felt repulsed by her kissing and her sexual style
- you thought she was sexually greedy because she was enjoying herself
- you met another woman, the sex was great
- you continued to see your GF and have sex with her, which was great
- you decided to ditch the new GF go back with the old GF and the sex was awful.

Please don't be offended, but you sound like a total and utter jerk - you've rejected one GF and cheated on the other just because you can't get your own way sexually and you were too weak to let your original GF know what you were feeling about her.

You are the root of your own problems, not one girl or the other. Try being honest with yourself and others and dealing with the issues as they come up rather than blaming others for your problems. My advice, let them both go and spend some some thinking about your own actions which lack maturity and integrity.

[zippit]

Your first girlfriend deserves much more from you than to be judged
What you are doing is ABUSE
You need to get a handle on this immediately

[alibaba54]

Thanks.
I do really appreciate your feedback, matter how harsh it is.

I would like however to take the time to add that I am not judging any of them but myself, and I am not blaming anybody else but myself. I think I am more than aware that the problem is me and none of these 2 girls.

The way I see it, I think it's good to have somebody throw it in my face the way you guys do.

And I take the advice on being by myself for a while. I do think it's what I should do.

Thanks

[shazamataz]

Good to see you are listening, so many people that post on here just take the advice given and throw it back at us, thinking we are just being 'mean' to them.

Sometimes being harsh is just what the person needs to help them understand what is going on.

Good luck.

[zippit]

Your putting your girlfriend in a awkward place where she wants to be at her best in bed and when she does you say "it was too strong" or she didn't know how to act give it some time for her to learn your likes and dislikes meanwhile don't ignore HERS you sound caught up in yourself

This could apply to future G F as well

[alibaba54]

Although this may sound strange, but I never was a sex oriented kind of person.
I mean I enjoy sex like everybody but I never considered it as a very important constituent of a relationship.

I was happy with my girlfriend on many or all aspects including sex. The only problem that undermined our relationship for a long time and still until now is communication. When I first met her, her English was very very poor. My Chinese was very very poor as well. We clung to one another for some time but communication was so problematic that we had our first break up quite early...

We tried to work on her English and I worked on my Chinese. Today I speak decent Chinese and she speaks decent English. But it's still not quite there... We still face daily problems of communication after 2 years together.

In term of sex, I guess communication was not good enough there as well. We did not talk to each other much about our likes and dislikes. I tried to bring the topic from time to time but she never takes it seriously... I think it may be due to the culture... She is very conservative Chinese girl. The kind that we call good girl here. She does not run after guys and never consider options. She will go to the end of it and always clung to it and try her best to make it work. Us not fit is inconceivable and she will always try to find a way. But when it comes to sex, talking about it is kind of difficult. I try to bring it in a little subtle way, because I may be slightly conservative myself. Unfortunately she would react as "unacceptable" with a bit of a laugh... Nothing rude or bad... She just thought I was joking. I don't really know how to make her actually want to try new things... I also don't know how to make her more initiating...

Well when it comes to bedtime, she is confused and me too... We forgot the way to approach one another, we forgot how to say "I want you". We simply forgot how to make each other want it... And maybe it's just to straight down to the actual sexual act. I wish for more foreplay, more touch and so on...

This other girl really was an accident... And it should have stayed as such... But then she made me discover a new dimension in my sex life and now I have given up on it, it's hard to be satisfied with my girlfriend... Of course I want to teach her.

I think however that this is not where lays the problem. I am not trying to get gorgeous sex or fantastic planetary sex. I am trying to reconnect emotionally with my girlfriend so that we can enjoy touching each other again. Sex is strongly connected with feelings. I can't have sex with a girl I have no feelings with. I think my feelings may have passed for me to react this strong against it. It's hard to tell...

All that said, I should still be alone. But thinking about it may help for my future.

[alibaba54]

You know I think I will let go of both.
Stick to my decision and let myself the time to get over the reminiscent feelings. I need to buy myself a resolve. Decide something and go through to the end of it.

Then I'll just get myself prepared to meet somebody completely new and I will cherish that relationship with all the care I have.

[zippit]

The language barrier explains a lot maybe you shouldn't have been called a jerk
Next time or if you get back with her buy a book in whatever language she is most comfortable and then highlight or point to the parts that fit you best that way she would know it wasn't a joke not a porno mag, a couple sexual type book

[amanichristopher]

First of all before I respond to your post alibaba. I wouldn't worry much about the other users replies. Matter fact I would question any advice from someone who uses the phrase "you're a total and utter jerk" who uses that anyway besides a cast member on some cheesy sitcom. I usually don't participate in online discussions like this because I always thought they were filled with one-dimensional judgmental people who live in a magical box and have no real life experience. But because of that and as someone with tons of real life experience I decided to participate to bring some kind of balance to the table.
Ok so here's the deal. I'm not sure how old you are but it sounds like you're going through the typical two-year itch. For a lot of guys it's two years, for some guys it's 2 months, and for the worst of the worse it could be 2 days. Like most men, actually I take that back most "people" in general after a certain period begin to look for new things in their lives. Whether it's a new lover, a new job, or a new car. Curiosity, adventure, and discovery are part of man's nature. We didn't build ships and wander to other parts of the world just out of necessity looking for food.
“Society” will tell you that if you love your girlfriend you have to eventually marry her and make her the only lover in your life for the rest of your life. Yeah OK, good luck with that! How come it's acceptable to have new friends, new co-workers, new job, new house, new car, new cell phone, new computer, new jeans, etc. but you're expected to keep the same old lover/partner forever. It's a great fairytale but not very realistic.
Enjoy life, have fun, experience new things and different partners. The only thing I would agree with is to be safe and be honest with everyone involved about how you feel. If you want sex differently man up and let her know what you like and don't like. If you don't want to be in a relationship and you want to be a bachelor and experience different women same thing, man up and let her know. Remember it's always OK to be a Playboy but never OK to be a “player/playa.” As long as you let them know, they can decide if they want to ride…

* Amani Christopher *

[Catsmine]

[QUOTE=amanichristopher;2160869] I wouldn't worry much about the other users replies.

If alibaba ever sees your reply, we won't worry about it much either, considering he hasn't been back in six months. Check the dates before you answer, please.

Or are you just trying to stir something up?

[Jake2008]

Sometimes, a jerk is just a jerk. No shortage of them...

Alibaba, nearly everything you say, revolves around sex. While it is an important part of a committed relationship, is is not the be all, or end all.

I think the problems and confusion has more to do with what you value in a relationship. The 'jerk' part comes in when you focus, or put far too much importance to one aspect of your relationship, and do not consider the consequences of your actions.

What importance do you put on your partner. Honesty, integrity, values, shared beliefs in commitment, fidelity and communication?

Communication alone, or lack of, is not license to skip the work, and jump into bed with another woman, and put more value on that, then you do on working through the problem of not being satisfied sexually with your partner. You also run the risk of finding fault with your partner, through no fault of her own, because you compare that one aspect between the two women, and ignore all the rest of the relationship.

It would be worth putting in more effort and thought into all the aspects of your relationship, and attempting to find solutions, rather than finding a solution, and then wonder about why the relationship isn't working.

I can tell you that you need to know what you want. If you want to be single, emotionally unnatached, and free to satisfy only yourself, then you are not ready for a committed relationship that involves another persons feelings, wants, and needs. That isn't wrong or bad, it is just a choice you have available to you.

On the other hand, if what you want is a solid relationship to one woman, it involves more understanding, good judgment, and consideration of yourself as a partner, not just a participant. And not just a participant inasmuch as it involves instant gratification at the expense of another.

Sex is only one part of a relationship. If the relationship itself is based on, or sets the tone of, the entire relationship, you are throttling equally important aspects because of that focus.

I can tell you that it is possible to love one person, have an intimate relationship with one person, and live a strong healthy life together. It is realistic to say that not one particular area is more important than the other. Sometimes it isn't working in one area, so you work on that, identify the problems- together. Looking for answers in somebody elses' bed, will not solve anything, and it is only a very temporary fix.

Maybe its time to really focus on what you want, what you are prepared to do, or not do, and if the relationship is not workable, or worth the trouble, then do your partner, and yourself, a favour, and move on.

[Jake2008]

Rats!! Sorry... didn't check the date myself.