[Ulysses]

I know there is no point in weeping and complaining, but at times (like just now) it hurts so much that I just can't help... I am posting here to keep myself from calling her or writing another stupid email. I know she is a serious person and will never(!! ) call me herself. I know everything is over. But I am still stuck in these futile hopes I'd rather have erased from the outset.

Although my downtimes don't consume 100% of my time as it used to in the last three months, it still appears from nowhere with this endless blaming myself, feelings that I'm useless, that I am not worth being loved and finally, imaginary dialogues with her... Days and nights spent here miles away from her, totally alone in a city that ironically bears her name, all I hope is when I get through it, I will learn from it and become a better and stronger person. The one thing I fear is I will never be able to fall in love again.

Thanks everyone for being here and reading through my laments.

[JoeCanada76]

That is a fear you may have, but the only way you will be able to fall in love again is to learn from you previous experience. Also by letting go and doing things that will benefit you and you alone. Things that you enjoy doing on your own. I like to give the example of volunteering.

Anyway, I wish the best for you and you are going to do just fine!

Joe

[Bluerose]

You lament all you want, we are here to help. And if getting you involved in a conversation in order to distract you from emailing her and thinking so much about her so be it.

Tell us some more about yourself.

And remember: Nothing lasts forever - not even the bad times.

[Allheart]

First Ulysses, here is a cyber hug {... } Hope you don't mind.

What you are feeling, the sadness, the pain. All normal. Very normal. Breakups, have that mourning period where you grieve. You feel the hurt, sometimes anger, the loss all of it. It just means you are gradually progressing through this process, all of which, is good and the result, will be a stronger you, that will be able to give and receive love again. That I promise you.

So yes, keep yourself busy doing things that make you happy, but also, feel the things you are feeling, work through them and you will be surprised that each day, the heavy sadness lessens just a wee bit.

Never concern yourself with coming here and sharing your feelings. By you opening up and sharing what you are going through, is helping so many people who are going through the same things.

Your wounds will heal and your sadness will pass, until then, keep posting, and surround yourself with those who put a smile on your face.

[wap]

I really feel for you. It takes time. I know a woman at college, she is in her forties. She talks about her ex all the time, she was saying= that she is still not over it, this is after 15 months.

I am beginning to feel better, like you say, you blame yourself, I totally blamed myself. I went through a phase of going over things in my head, over and over. I seemed to go back to specific incidents, and think to myself if only I hadn't said this or done that. This eventually stops.

I also went through a phase of dreaming about my ex a lot, this also stops. It is a big thing to get through, you will have big ups and downs. That is what I did, I came to this site when I felt bad. I was also at the gym all the time. I found that although I was there myself, I met people, I became fit.

Although you do occupy yourself, you will still think at times, this is natural. Just allow yourself to feel better, by getting the feelings out if you have to.

[Ulysses]

Dear all! Huge thanks for all your help! It's really of help to see there is someone who cares and really (!) understands what it's all about...

Blurose: my story begins here https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...p-48690-2.html

This relationship of mine lasted for 7 years, the last 2 of which we lived separately, because I had to move to another city for the job, life is cruel you know... And this two years proved to be decisive I think when she I suppose weighed all pros and cons and gradually alienated herself from me. I made a lot of mistakes in this relationship, but I am sure I also made her happy back in those days.

In my case I think I have gone and still going through the classic stages, beginning with refusal to believe it at first, bargaining and pleading... all of which just made her firm about the decision. Our last conversation on phone was just 10 days since, it was brief and about business. Prior this last call I called her on Xmas, again just a few words, no more than a polite formality. All in all, the whole thing began in October, when she showed she's not the same about me. It only got worse since then.

Today I don't really undersand how I feel... I made myself busy with work, Deutsch classes, swimming and remodelling the apartment. At times it gets better, and I am surprised to see my loving for her to transform into something different. A strange feeling - is it forgetting her? The idea that I will eventually forget her scares me, although I clearly understand that I have to. Anybody had such a feeling?

Anyway, again huge thanks everyone. I hope some day I will be able to help someone new here hust the way you are doing it now for me!

[Symbelmine]

Hello Ulysses..
Well, since I joined this forum Ive posted mainly to ask for help since Im going trough problems myself.. But I sometimes take my time and read other people's posts.. And well I'm glad you're busy and working on yourself, learning a new language ( Im doing the same since the break up) and practicing sports.. But oh my God I understand how you feel.. Sometimes I read people's advice and they say "move on", " let go", " work on yourself"... "you'll find better" blabla.. But when I read those comments I think: YEAH RIGHT! It just looks so easy when its you giving the advice.. In my case I'm the one getting the advice, like you.. And I uncerstand how it feels.. Since I broke up with me ex( I don't even like that word) Ive gone through many different stages.. One of them is that I can't even believe how we were so in love so little time ago and how we're apart now.. And I feel guilty and ask myself " WHY THE HELL DID I BREAK UP WITH HIM"..
And yes.. Months go by.. And my feelings change slowly.. and sometimes I don't care.. and that scares me cause I think it will come the time when I begin to forget.. And as lame as it sounds I somehow don't want tooo! I know this makes me suffer and I have to let go some day.. But I've been delaying that moment and struggling with all I have to get him back before that happens..
I think when you really love someone it means you'll always remember them and have them in your heart somehow.. And you'll also forget them.. That's what makes the separation so hard.. That you really loved that person.

[Bluerose]

Ulysses,

I have read your posts. I am sorry to read what you are going through. But it is time to let go and begin to take care of you. The break-up of any relationship is never easy. You and your girlfriend were together five years! Getting over something like that takes a lot of time, it's like a grieving process and can't be rushed. Keeping busy is the answer. It doesn't matter how it finished or who finished it - it is finished. And as hard as that is to deal with there is no other way through something like this.

You beat yourself up too much about the mistakes you made in the relationship. All relationships flourish and grow or flounder and die because of the mistakes we make. And yet we learn more from the mistakes we make than we do from any advice anyone can give us. So you can't 'fix' this relationship, would you really want to? It's not our job to 'fix' people. Instead why not reflect on what the next relationship will be like, taking into account everything you have learned from those mistakes.

If the relationship is over, you must try to limit contact - even phone calls - at least until it stops hurting so much. While staying in communication with her you are taking five steps forward and two back. You will recover sooner if you have as little contact as possible.

I'm sorry I have nothing more positive to offer you. But you have tried everything short of stalking her. Let it go.

You won't forget her. What will happen is that the hurt will begin to fade, and then you will choose how you want to remember her.

[concernedsibling]

I know there is no point in weeping and complaining, but at times (like just now) it hurts so much that I just can't help... I am posting here to keep myself from calling her or writing another stupid email. I know she is a serious person and will never(!!!) call me herself. I know everything is over. But I am still stuck in these futile hopes I'd rather have erased from the outset.

Although my downtimes don't consume 100% of my time as it used to in the last three months, it still appears from nowhere with this endless blaming myself, feelings that I'm useless, that I am not worth being loved and finally, imaginary dialogues with her ... Days and nights spent here miles away from her, totally alone in a city that ironically bears her name, all I hope is when I get thru it, i will learn from it and become a better and stronger person. The one thing I fear is I will never be able to fall in love again.

Thanks everyone for being here and reading thru my laments.

I don't know you or the situation, but from what I get out of it you need to go out and have some fun. You have got to move on for you. I have had a similar situation and trust me blaming yourself is not the answer. Pretending or hoping something is going to happen will just make things harder for you in the long run. Try to meet people and your friends are great at a time like this. My friends get me through everything. It will be hard, I'm not telling you it won't, but if you want a functional life back you have to be strong. You will find love again, it may take a while to heal all of the wounds, but there is someone out there for you and when the time is right you will find them. I know it will take time and there will be bad and good days. Days you want the relationship back and days you could care less. Find yourself, you will be happy again. I also found that writing down your feelings can sometimes take away some of the anguish and pain. If you don't like to write take up an activity to take your mind off the current situation. Good luck! I hope you find what it is you need. Do some soul searching.

[Ulysses]

Thanks for all replies... this process will surely take long time for 5 years aren't so easily taken away...
Although this is counter-productive, I do blame myself also because that's what she said - "it's you who destroyed it all". There were some other things she said I find really beyond myself - like "you have to move on", "don't get stuck on me". Re-iterating these phrases... I simply don't get it how SHE I LOVE SO MUCH could even say them!!
SYMBELMINE: that's where I fully understand what you say. It is going to be hard to forget someone who made your personal universe for bigger part of your adult life...
But I do have to hold on, be strong and move on as you suggest... Time will show

[Ulysses]

One thing to add: the fact of moving on. Although the idea itself sounds unrealistic at this point, there is also another feeling, like if I moved on, I would betray my love. The deep feeling of guilt for that, even an idea that I could possibly meet another person feels like a treason. At moments I just think I'll stay where I'm at until she gets involved into another relationship.
It doesn't seem to be the right way of thinking though, and if I learn she moved on, it is going to hurt me even more...

[kieranwong]

Hi Ulysses, I'm feeling you bro, I too am fresh from a break-up, only 5 days ago. Though I'm faaaar from finsihed with the process of recovery, I've come to realise that there have been ups and downs for me, and I believe that over time the ups will increase and the downs lessen. (right now I'm up :))
I really don't feel right to be advising anyone on anything just yet, but if I had to I'd say you have to move on completely and shed those feelings of guilt before you find another person.. else those feelings might hijack that new relationship..

[talaniman]

One thing to add: the fact of moving on. although the idea itself sounds unrealistic at this point, there is also another feeling, like if I moved on, I would betray my love. The deep feeling of guilt for that, even an idea that I could possibly meet another person feels like a treason. At moments I just think I'll stay where I'm at until she gets involved into another relationship.
it doesn't seem to be the right way of thinking though, and if I learn she moved on, it is going to hurt me even more....

Yeah you are right this is not the way to think and the fact you even put this crap in writing means your brain is scrambled. 7 years is a big time investment and when it is taken from you so suddenly then a big part of your life has to be replaced. Get off that pity pot and get busy putting you a life together, I mean how long are you going to cry about the past. The world is in your hands so why not get busy building that life you enjoy with out her, and quit writing crap like the above cause it sounds ignorant. Sorry to be the one to tell you, but consider this, less writing crap, and more building and enjoying.

[Ulysses]

Talaniman, plese get me right - I am doing what I can to overcome her. I am determined to stick to NC, I am doing sports and whatever else to fill my time. But the wound is still fresh and I thought I could share what I feel with people here when I have hard times. I admit these were confused thoughts of mine, but I also believe I deserve a few words of support just like anyone else of this community. But if you are saying I'd better limit myself in writing in this manner, then be it.
Sorry if I take it too personally.

[Wildcat21]

I feel your pain dude. Just be busy all the time.

Always remember... they are/were part of your life... not your life. When you put too much importance into some one it makes things a lot tougher.

But don't call. Don't.

Get out and od something.

[talaniman]

Talaniman, plese get me right - I am doing what I can to overcome her. I am determined to stick to NC, I am doing sports and whatever else to fill my time. But the wound is still fresh and I thought I could share what I feel with people here when I have hard times. I admit these were confused thoughts of mine, but I also believe I deserve a few words of support just like anyone else of this community. But if you are saying I'd better limit myself in writing in this manner, then be it.
Sorry if I take it too personally.

I would rather hear what your trying to do than hear about that crap you write to remind yourself how much she put you through. I have a great deal of sympathy for you after all 7 years is a big chunk of life to be missing. I support you 100% but you will not even sit on a pity pot and make excuses. Man up and be responsible for the things you've done and be willing to change. Dude I can understand a heart felt rant, we all can but you may as well know that crying every post does not work, hope you know the difference.

[Bluerose]

Ulysses,

I agree with Talaniman. Don't make the mistake of thinking we don't care - we do. But we would be doing you an injustice if we just sympathised and lamented along with you. You are torturing yourself, and that kind of pain is self-inflicted. Real pain isn't all bad, we learn and grow from it. Or we should. But you are stuck and you think you are trying to get out of the pity pit but you have made it too deep. You need help to get out and to find that help you are going to have to get out. Understand? "Move on!" Just two little words, and I get the impression that you are not too fond of them. But believe me, if you don't take some very positive steps forward soon you are going to be ill. I wish you all the very best for 2007. Good luck.

[Nohitter410]

Ulysses,

Tal is just trying to put things the way he sees it. 7 years is a long time and a significant part of your life and that PART of your life is now gone. Everything else is still intact. You are still breathing, walking and living and have so much more to offer this world. The more you sit here and wonder what could have been if you didn't move away or what not the worse off you will be.

YOU are the only reason you feel this way. Every time you try to convince yourself that without her you are nothing and that she is the only person for you, the more negative and hurt you will then feel. Positive reinforcement and understand that moving on is the only way for you to be whole again the better off you will be.

Life is hard and NC is great but it shouldn't be eating you alive saying OK one more OK one more day. NC should be completely removing yourself from a place of resentment and hurt and into a place where you feel better about yourself. You have to be open to meeting new people especially women. Don't close yourself off to new opportunities because you feel like it would be treason to not with her. You said it yourself there is no chance of getting back together, but NC is a way for you to move on and maybe she will miss you or maybe not but that is the least of your concerns. Your only concern right now is to start writing that you will move on and you will make something of yourself outside of a women. Women can be great but the moment you make it more than just a part of your life is the moment where the problems occur.

Life sucks, but don't sit there and sulk. It has been 3 months for me and although I still harbor such great feelings for her but I know I can do something with my life and I know I will and I will get my life in order and be happy and remarkably less disturbable. Until that point a woman will not make or break me and to be honest they never will like Jerry Maguire said You complete me. He didn't say you are my LIFE. He already had a life but once he brought a woman in it, he was complete and whole.

[s_cianci]

It's time to work on yourself. Get busy and have a life. Get involved in your work, school, friends, hobbies. Take up some new interests. Rekindle some old ones. It seems like you have too much time on your hands which is why you keep having these negative, self-destructive recurring thoughts. By keeping busy you won't have time to worry about your ex or the idea of being alone and never being able to fall in love again, etc. Also, keeping busy and being involved will open new doors for you that you never imagined.

[Ulysses]

Thanks everyone, I really needed some kick to get myself together.