[CompletelyLost]

I have been dating the same girl for four years now. During that time I have had a few problems with anger (about 4 times) and addressing it at her. While I've never hit her or even thought about it and have only yelled once I have said things which can be hurtful in hopes of her seeing that she has done something to me which I don't like. I am now in anger management classes and am able to see that I act this way when she says or does something which makes me feel that she is ignoring me or doesn't care about the relationship.

She broke up with me about 2 months ago now after I got mad at her for something she said and did which I felt was hurtful towards me. In the past month I have been trying to work things out with her and show her that I am willing to change how I address issues which bother me about the relationship (anger management is helping). We are on talking terms and she has told me she enjoys it but that she isn't ready for anything more right now and isn't sure that she will ever be. According to her she has lost the ability to trust that I am not going to blow up at her again because I have told her before that it wouldn't happen and it has. I have been pushing the issue of a relationship on her and talking to the point that I think she is annoyed (much to my own discredit and dismay). In the last week she has told me that she does want the trust to come back and work on a relationship but that she still isn't sure when or whether it will. As of right now she wants to be friends and see how things go from there but I am worried that I will have spent all this time working on things to hear her say that ultimately she just wants to be friends. She has since told me that I call her too much and only wants to talk every 4 days or so or when one of us has something fun and exciting to tell the other. I am starting to get the impression that she might be playing mind games with me for some reason or another. I still love the girl and would like to continue our relationship but don't know what to do to help that out. What should I do?

Thanks for the help!

[Emland]

I think the time and effort you have put into the anger management will positively affect your life whether this relationship works out or not and you should be commended for it.

From what you have written, it sounds to me as if she has moved on with her life. Someone who has warm fuzzies about you isn't going to set limitations on how often you can call her. However, I am no expert - I have no degree in relationships or sociology. I'm just a middled aged woman who has been married for 20 + years.

It appears to me that you might be trying just a little to hard right now. Perhaps taking a step back and giving her time to see how you have grown might be the ticket. I know I don't enjoy being pressured, and your love interest may feel the same way.

-Em

[imissher]

The more you push for a relationship, the further she will run away. Give her time to think about things, let things cool down, and most importantly, let her initiate the contact. I understand its difficult, but the best chances you have at getting her back, is giving her time to herself. It seems like not contacting her will push her away, but its not the case, believe me. There is nothing you can do at this point(talk, guilt trip, manipulate), to get her back in the relationship.

Time is all she needs. Don't contact, its easier said than done, but if you can't resist, give it at least 1-2 weeks. Impatience is your enemy, just let time pass.

If she knows that you're no longer chasing after her, then she can make her decision based on what she wants, rather than what she's running from.

Hope this helps.

[talaniman]

Focus on yourself and leave her alone. The more pressure from you the faster she will run away. Leave her alone and deal with your own issues to make you a better person. Whether she decides to come back, no one knows, but you getting healthy and happy will make your life better.

[CompletelyLost]

I posted some of this before but did not elaborate enough for some of the responders to fully understand the situation and answer completely so here is the whole story.

My girlfriend of 4 years and I have been broken up for 2 months now. She wanted the break because she said that I have had too many anger problems and have hurt her too much. - I have had quite a few times that I have gotten mad at her for reasons that I will address below - She said that she can no longer trust me when I say that I will work on it not happening again and that she has allowed herself to get hurt too much in the past and then convince herself to love me again. She said that every time she had just gotten over me hurting her and completely given me her heart again I would do something else to crush her and she would have to start all over again. I never want to hurt her and love her so much. I've never dreamed of losing her or doing anything to cause her to hurt. She has told me before that she gets hurt when I get mad but she never told me that she loses love for me over it and I wish that she had told me before exactly how it makes her feel so that I could have hit bottom and begin to work on fixing my problem prior to this incident.
... This crushed me to the point where I was no longer in denial that I did have problems and have since then gotten anger management help and am currently in relationship counseling in hopes of understanding my current situation. I am now able to see that I only get mad with my ex (when we were together) when she did something which I took to show me she didn't care about me or the relationship. - I would turn to anger because of my emotional insecurity in showing hurt and fear -...
After she broke up with me she was still acting quite hurt and did not want to talk for about a weeks time. After that week she began talking to me and we decided to be friends in the interest of working things out and showing each other that we still cared. She told me several times that she enjoyed talking to me and seeing how I was changing my life for the better - I decided to do some things which I had always said I wanted to but never did when we were together, along with starting counseling. She got sick about a month after we broke up and I sent her a "get well soon" package of things that I knew she needed and wanted - cough drops, candy, etc. - She loved the package and that I wouldn't tell her what was in it before she got it, keeping it a secret. (During our relationship I would get her gifts but be so excited about what I got her that I would ruin the surprise by telling her what it was - I think this was because of some insecurity with whether she would like it.) We talked quite a lot during that week and a few weeks afterward and she told me several times that she really liked that we had remained friends and loved hearing about my life and new outlook and that she still cared about me very much although not in the same loving way as before. At several different times I would ask questions about the relationship and whether talking was helping her to see that I was willing to change. Whenever we talked she always wanted it to be about fun things and not the relationship... she would get mad whenever I brought up the issue, saying that she wanted to see that things had changed and get the trust for me back and ultimately the relationship but that it was going to take a lot of work and a long long time. I asked the question about the relationship too much in the next couple of weeks and stopped when I could tell that she had enough of it and it was causing the relationship too much strain. About the time that I came to that realization she told me that she thought we talked too much on the phone and only wanted to talk when either one of us had something fun or exciting to tell the other. Going from talking everyday for 4 years and continuing to do so during the first month and a half of the breakup to not talking but once a week was not something that I wanted to do but I was willing to give it a try for her. We stopped talking Saturday afternoon of last week and didn't talk at all, online or on the phone, until I called her Tuesday to see how she was doing. She was very reserved when she began talking to me and stated that she was happier in the 3 days in which she did not talk to me than the previous month we had talked. She said that she didn't feel pressured about the relationship and that she had thought about things and didn't think she wanted it back anytime soon, if ever. Unfortunately, I think that I got a little too scared and didn't think about not turning to anger as I would have before... and thus got mad and asked if she thought the last 4 years were a waste and if we needed to give back gifts which we had given each other during the relationship. I could tell that she wasn't too happy with the idea and so I backed off. We ended the conversation because she had to go to class but she said that she would call me back later and we could talk about things. It's now Friday and she hasn't called me or talked to me online. I feel that she's mad at me for the way I handled her telling me how she felt on Tuesday but don't know what to do to fix that situation. I hate being ignored and she knows this but continues to do it anyway.

Why is it that she was so willing to talk two weeks ago and before but now doesn't want anything to do with me? Should I call or email her an apology for how I acted on the phone Tuesday? What if anything can I do to show her that I want to work things out and fix my problem and still want her in my life? Should I try to explain my actions and how I now understand what causes my anger and how to control it - even though she doesn't seem to be interested in how or why it happens, only that it does?

We had a few issues in our relationship during the four years we dated but who doesn't have issues. I still love this girl very much and feel like it is completely my fault that this relationship has failed at this point and would love to have a chance to prove myself and fix the issue, but how?

She seemed so willing before... what happened?

Thank you for all of the advice and help you can give me, I need a lot at this point!

[CompletelyLost]

For those of you who posted on my previous thread, thanks so much! I'm sorry to everyone reading this that it's yet another one of those "Help, I've lost my love and want him/her back!" postings but I have read here before that talking about it and getting different opinions helps the healing process. It stinks that after two months I am still hurting and in this situation. I wonder each day if I hadn't pressed the relationship issue on her if she would still be talking to me or even back together with me.

[sypher373]

First of all, you should stop dwelling on what you did, what you didn't do and what you could have done. Nothing you can do know will change any of that, and there is no reason to dwell on the past.

It is good that you recognizee that you have an anger problem, and that you are addressing it... congrats. As far as why she isn't willing anymore, I would say it is because you pressed the issue. Now, that doesn't mean if you didn't press the issue things would have turned out differently, but I would say your best bet is to back off and leave her be. An apology may sound like a good idea, but she would likely see that as a feeble attempt at you contacting her. Think of it this way, if you write her an apology, and hear no response... how are you going to feel?

To be honest, she probably get a little annoyed of hearing how you know what your problem is and what causes it, but wasn't seeing any improvement. You stated that you got angry and said something's on the phone that weren't necessarily appropriate. That's a mistake you made, we all make them, learn from it and better yourself.

At this point, the best thing you can do for her and you is to back off. Take time for yoruself, continue to work on yourself and fix things that you don't like about yourself. Your actions will speak much louder than your words. Understanding you have a problem is great. Its ever greater that your doing something about it. Don't give up on yourself now.

Best of luck.

[rkim291968]

Sypher's suggestion is right on. The only thing I would add is that try to understand from her point of view to see if the relationship is truly dead. No matter how hard you try, if she has made up her mind for good, it is time for you to move on, too. It will hurt but that's part of being in love.

[CompletelyLost]

Thanks for the advice, I'll definitely work on my problem before I attempt to start a relationship again, whether it is with her or someone else. And I plan on continuing my counseling and anger management as much as I need to until I feel I can control my feelings and actions.

The question I have is how to know if she thinks the relationship is truly dead vs. whether she wants to take time and see if I do change... I have this problem figuring it out because she has stated that she wants to be able to trust me and have the relationship back but she doesn't feel anything for it right now. In fact she told me that she thought she might have feelings after a months time away but she surprisingly to her did not. When we first started talking following the breakup she said that she didn't think anything would happen until this summer anyway, in part because we would both be attending the same grad school and would finally be in the same city at that time. Tuesday though she said that she didn't think that she wanted the relationship back... so I am quite confused and don't want to try and contact her at this time to question it any farther... does it sound like it's over or that she is still confused as well?