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DJ 'H' · Feb 7, 2006, 03:23 AM

I was seeing a guy last year on and off for about 7 months. His name is Marc and I have known him since I was 11yrs old. We went to school together and used to hang out a lot as we were good friends.

When we were seeing each other I found out he had many other girls on the go, so when he went to Iraq and I discovered all of this, I decided to declare myself single (without telling him) and just went on with my life. He wasn't to happy, but I wasn't too bothered, because he did not have any respect for me to do what he did. Things slowly fizzled out and I have not seen him or heard from him snce September.

On Sunday I was with Pete. We have just popped out to get a DVD and a bottle of wine. We had both had a hectic weekend and just wanted to enjoy a quiet night in together before starting our working week. We were in the DVD store and I got a text message come through. It was from Marc. I stupidly replied. He responded asking me what I was up to; so I replied and said I am getting a DVD to watch with my boyfriend. He kept sending me messgaes after that so I turned my phone off. Pete knows about Marc and I showed him the text messages Etc. One of which said: "I am seeing a head Doc about Iraq and other aspects of my life. It got me thinking about friends"

But my question to you is after not seeing or hearing from him in 5 months, what does he want? He is playing the sympathy card to get me talking to him and to try and edge his way back? Or is being genuine and realising he stuffed up a good friendship?

Either way I am not going to let him ruin what I have with Pete or the life I have built for myself. But it was really random and I don't get it.

bizygurl · Feb 7, 2006, 05:02 AM

This is going to be a decision based on how comfortable you are with this guy. If you feel that he only is contacting you because he has other intentions other than being friends and you feel that he "would" try to ruin your relatonship with Pete than I would be a bit cautious when contacting him. The fact that when you told him you were with your boyfriend but he kept contacting you seems a little disrespectful on his part.

Now on the other hand if you feel deep down that he really does want to be friends then maybe he does. He could be playing the sympathy card. But he could be telling the truth, war does mess with your head and it may have changed him, for the better.
But he is an ex, so if you do decide to talk to him. I would make it clear to him that you have no interest in getting back together. And that you are very happy in your current relationship. He was the one that caused you and his relationship to fizzle out.

Sweetie, don't worry too much about this guy coming in and ruining your relationship. It won't happen. You know and I know that you have a really good man there. Even if this Marc guy tried to start crap, Pete doesn't sound like the type of guy that would take that or at least let it ruin your relationship. I can feel this is the case and Im way across the "pond" from you.lol!!
YOu do what your comfortable. No guy or ex can ruin what you and Pete have unless you let it. And I know you won't. No worries, trust me:)

DJ 'H' · Feb 7, 2006, 05:12 AM

I know it won't ruin what I have with Pete unless I let it, but it would not stop Marc from trying to if he is still the same as he was last year. It's just hard to know what to do for the best. I want to remain friends, because we were friends for 10yrs even before we got together.

The strange thing is he has not text me since Sunday. He has left well alone; so I think I will just leave it and if he contacts me again, just ask him out staright what he wants?

Pete told me I was the best thing that had ever happened to him the other night and we are getting closer and closer by the day. We are coming out of the "New relationship" Phase and going onto the next level. It's all so exciting and I am truly happy.

Thanks Bizygurl, you have helped to ease my worrying mind as always :)

I have been asked to DJ at Centreparcs tonight (it was my week off) but one of the other DJ's has become ill. I am really chuffed because Curlyben and his wife are there at the moment, so I will get to meet them tonight (thats if they are around my section) Fingers Crossed! t's really exciting thinking I may meet in person two people I chat to everyday. :)

JoeCanada76 · Feb 7, 2006, 05:18 AM

Holly,

First of all why would he continually text you when he knows that you are busy and that you are with your boyfriend? That is very well, disrespectfull. He knows that you moved on with your life. It sounds to me that he is trying to fix himself up or claim that he is fixing himself up to try to seem that he is getting better for you. You did say that you new him in a young age and thinks of you as a friend. Maybe all of a sudden because of a guilty concience. Of course, it is up to you how you deal with Marc. Like buzygurl said it all depends on how comfortable you are with him. What you personally feel his attentions are. Pete knows about it, you are open to Pete about the messages and the situation. So no matter what you and Pete are together and nothing that anybody does will hurt that or cause problems. Be open and honest with Pete and you will not have problems with this guy Marc. If it ever turned out to become a problem you will always have Pete on your side to deal with Marc. As Bizygurl said try not to worry about it.

Joe

DJ 'H' · Feb 7, 2006, 05:31 AM

[QUOTE=Jesushelper76]Holly,

First of all why would he continually text you when he knows that you are busy and that you are with your boyfriend? That is very well, disrespectfull. He knows that you moved on with your life. It sounds to me that he is trying to fix himself up or claim that he is fixing himself up to try to seem that he is getting better for you.

I totally agree with this part. He is up and down all the time. He told me he was seeing a head doc, to sort out problems and afterwards said that he was great.

Sounds a bit suss and maybe he is trying to say he has problems and trying to sort them out as a way of lurring me back. The fact is I got the better of him and being a sqauddie, he was probably left humiliated because I did not take any of his crap and actually did to him what he did to me.

I think it's probably best to ask him what he wants if he contacts me again and make it perfectly clear I am not interested in the slightest. If he persists even when I tell him I am busy etc then tell him not to contact me again.

fredg · Feb 7, 2006, 05:50 AM

Hi, DJ,
So, what is wrong with an old friend trying to contact you?
Having a boyfriend doesn't mean you have to stop talking with every other man you have ever known, or will meet in the future.
It does sound as if you are a little "overly concerned" with this. Having a boyfriend doesn't mean you are married, and you are still going to have other men interested in you.
I am sure other women "look at" , or talk with, your boyfriend also. He doesn't have to have a date with them, but I'm sure he says a few words to them.
Please don't be too concerned whenever someone from your past contacts you; it's natural.

DJ 'H' · Feb 7, 2006, 07:08 AM

It's more complex than him being "an old friend" - if it were that simple I would not be asking the question. The majority of my friends are Male and Pete does not have a problem with any of them. I hang with a lot of them even when Pete is not there and he trusts me.

Marc is an Ex, he is also a squaddie, and a bit of a player and I have every reason to be concerned and to question his intentions.

NeedKarma · Feb 7, 2006, 07:16 AM

Take it as a nice compliment that he stills thinks of you that way. Show the text messages to Pete. Let him direct you as to the next step - then you can have a clear conscience.. with Pete anyway.

DJ 'H' · Feb 7, 2006, 07:24 AM

I have showed all the text messages to Pete and I told him which Marc it was, but he did not really say much. I have a clear conscience because I am being totally open and honest with Pete and I am not hiding anything, and I guess in a funny kind of way it is a compliment.

bizygurl · Feb 7, 2006, 08:36 AM

Originally Posted by DJ 'H'

It's more complex than him being "an old friend" - if it were that simple I would not be asking the question. The majority of my friends are Male and Pete does not have a problem with any of them. I hang with a lot of them even when Pete is not there and he trusts me.

Marc is an Ex, he is also a squaddie, and a bit of a player and I have every reason to be concerned and to question his intentions.

I have to agree with DJ on this. Marc is an ex and it's a bit different than talking to an old friend that you had no romantic ties too. This situation happened to me. My husband and I had been married for three years when an ex-girlfriend of ten years ago decided to contact him. She found out from a mutual friend that they had been friends with them back then that my husband was married and had a daughter. Well she decided to call my house and ask for him anyway. To make a long story short. She called him and wanted to get together and go out for coffee, and "re connect" which my husband later explained to me as her way of wanting to work things out and get back together. She was angry when he turned her down, but what the heck did she expect. Obviously this girl had no respect for me or else she would hve never said those things to my husband. You just don't do those things, I know I never would have.
That's why you never know what your ex's intantions are when all of a sudden they reapear in your life again. It is a good idea to take caution when talking to them again.

DJ 'H' · Feb 7, 2006, 09:32 AM

The cheek of her - what on earth did she expect to gain by doing thast?? Honestly some people.

Well he fact that Marc continued to text me, even after I told him I was getting a DVD to watch with Pete, I think says it all.

You have all enabled me to come to the conclusion that Marc is no good and is only out for what he can get, he does not have my friendship or anything else in mind - so I think I will tell him to take a hike if he contacts me again.

DrJ · Feb 7, 2006, 11:04 AM

There is no way for us, or you, to know his true intentions. However, on behalf of those who have served their country on foreign soil, I would say to give him the benefit of the doubt. It can be a very life changing event. He may have become more of a man than he ever was before. He may have had some insight to life that he may have never known otherwise. Give him the chance to make ammends with you. Maybe he doesn't "want" you... maybe he just "wants" to make things right.

No matter how you go about it, just don't put yourself in any bad situations with him. He cannot "steal" you back unless you wish to be "stolen." Let him know where he stands upfront and what your intentions are. If he is sincere, he will understand and respect your current stance on the matter.

Wildcat21 · Feb 7, 2006, 11:04 AM

He is trying to get back together with you.

BUT!! he should LEAVE YOU ALONE if you are with Pete.

Just tell him it's not a good idea.

Fr_Chuck · Feb 7, 2006, 03:04 PM

The fact that he keep messaging you is more than a little weird. One or two message saying hello, and the such, but not a continious serious of message, you don't have that level or sort of relationship with him.

It appears in his mind, he has a closer relatonship with you than is really there. Unless you have a future relationship in mind with him, you need to make that known to him.

At times people who are learning to cope with other issues have unrealistic ideas about past relationships.

DrJ · Feb 7, 2006, 04:39 PM

There could be more to this, but I really don't see the connection of a possible relationship that everyone is making. She even quoted him saying, "thinking about friends." Granted, be on your guard and don't let this get too far but if the guy has amends he needs to make, let him make them!

Wildcat21 · Feb 7, 2006, 04:49 PM

Guys say friends all the time to get back together.

He doesn't sound like the most honorable guy.

DrJ · Feb 7, 2006, 05:09 PM

But didn't he just come back from fighting a WAR?! Why doesn't he sound like an honorable guy?

I know that people use certain things to get girls and many time its dishonorable. But that doesn't mean that it's that way ALL the time. Didn't she say that its been over a week since she heard from him? The guy doesn't have enough going for him yet to attempt to get DJ to wonder what he's up to... or to use the time factor to his advantage at all.

For the most part, everyone deserves a chance. He may have been an *** before but then he may have also seen his friends get their heads blown off (no disrespect to those serving... but that may be the reality). I use this as a reference because it happened just that way to a close friend of mine. The man was TOTALLY changed... and for the better.

DrJ · Feb 7, 2006, 05:11 PM

I guess I should add that no, not all men that have served and even fought, are going to change for the better... but we should allow those who have a chance.

Its not hard to see someone's true colors...

talaniman · Feb 7, 2006, 09:40 PM

Have you considered that after being in hell and coming back to the real world he's just trying to adjust?After what he's been through he may just want to reach out and touch the real world,get his bearing and deal with the fact that he doesn't have to see death everyday.He might just need some real humans around him to know he's home.You and Pete could discuss this or if it bothers you so much... leave it alone!Choices they ain't easy! I would have to reach out WITH MY BETTER HALF WITH ME!:cool:

DJ 'H' · Feb 8, 2006, 02:50 AM

Well this is the thing. I am reluctanat to go there, because if he hasn't changed then it will just put me in a situation I do not wish to be in. However being such a good natured person if he is on the change and having a hard time and looking for people he can trust to talk to and support him, then yes I would want to be there for him. We were friends for 10yrs before. I care about him like a relative, but nothing more than that.

But I really do not want Pete to get annoyed and I really don't want Marc causing problems.