[rewoprm]

This girl and I have been together 3 months, exclusively, but she can't be my girlfriend etc she reckons even though we do EVERYTHING a couple does and act like that in public as well. Told me she is not over her ex, he dumped her and now he wants her back after 6 months. She said that the only reason she is not back with him is cause she is seeing me otherwise she would go back to him tomorrow. She is afraid to decide what to do etc etc, I'm like well break it off with me and go away then but she cries and says she loves me and can't do that, to me she is just waiting for me to break it off so she doesn't have to do the decision making and make it easier for her, should I sit her down and have a big chat, but I'm sick of talking its doing my head in, or tell her make her mind up or I'm gone?


Like we are full on in everyway, from saying I love you etc etc, I hear through the grape vine from her friends that she just can't decide. Me cause I'm this great new love in her life but him cause its easier, convenient, memories etc etc. To me he broke up with her to be singel, can't get anyone to date or sleep with and now rings up the ex girl saying he is sorry. Like she told me that it would be easier just to get back with him etc etc and she wonders if she should if she has feelings for him still, I told her we all still love our exes in some way and always will but their your ex for a reason and don't let them hold you back. Why do I bother? I can't help it cause I have strong feelings for her. Seems to me she can't make up her mind cause she is afriad that if the wrong decision is made she will loose out. Should I just make the decision for her? Tell her its me or nothing. I think that would do it as she is just being a cop out by not wanting to be the one that calls it. Ah!!


I do feel like its inevitable that they will get back together, like to say all those things to me about being with him if wasn't for me period, its like she is just waiting for me to let her go so its easier for her, she "complains" in a joking way mind you that I'm to perfect and to good to get etc etc, its like she wants me to **** up so she can exit. I don't want to see other people and sometimes I do feel as though I should just enjoy our time together, but that's basically wasting my time for the inevitable I feel. I was thinking of telling her I just need time to myself to work out what I want as I'm not sure if I can handle this anymore. Truth hurts I gues

The whole can't be boyfriend and girlfriend is I think cause it leaves the door still open as being official is moving on right? Well to her it is... yes I do feel she just wants me to make the decision so she doenst have to be the bad guy so to speak, but all I want is her and I wonder if I just treat her right and hang in there that she will realise its time to move on and be with me? Nothing worse than telling her its me or him and her going OK bye but I guess then it's the truth then? Ah so hard... my biggest fear is that I say it and she goes then ends up not getting gback with him and just staying single or breaking up with them anyway, I just trying to hold on to her I guess and honesty is great from her but sucks to know the truth and yet no have her act on it either way. I just wonder if I just support her and be a friend to her I can only be doing the mature kind thing and if it don't work out so be it?

[twinkiedooter]

The key here is the old boyfriend dumped her and she really hasn't gotten over him or gotten him out of her system. She obviously can't decide what she wants to do. Saying you're good to her just makes it harder for her to just dump you now that her old boyfriend wants her back. You can let her go back to him if you wish and just keep her as a friend if you want to. You have to remember that she is easily "tempted" to go back to the old boyfriend should she come knocking on your door in say, a month from now saying she wants you back if she leaves you. If she does go back with him and he dumps her again she may be doing this whole thing all over again in a few months.

She has some growing up to do. Your last line says it all though about doing the mature thing and if it doesn't work out so be it. If she does not come back, she is not the one for you. Go looking elsewhere for someone who wants only you. Rebound relationships are hard on everyone.

[aboleth]

Yea, sounds like you're a rebound relationship... as twink said, it's a hard place to be, and I personally don't hold much hope for the future of a relationship that includes three people. You're in for some hurt here brother, and I'd cut your losses. It's just not the right time for her, and there's nothing you're going to be able to do about it.

[Questions2007]

this girl and i have been together 3 months, exclusively, but she can't be my girlfriend etc she reckons even though we do EVERYTHING a couple does and act like that in public as well. Told me she is not over her ex, he dumped her and now he wants her back after 6 months. she said that the only reason she is not back with him is cause she is seeing me otherwise she would go back to him tomorrow. She is afraid to decide what to do etc etc, im like well break it off with me and go away then but she cries and says she loves me and can't do that, to me she is just waiting for me to break it off so she doesnt have to do the decision making and make it easier for her, should i sit her down and have a big chat, but im sick of talking its doing my head in, or tell her make her mind up or im gone?


like we are full on in everyway, from saying i love you etc etc, i hear through the grape vine from her friends that she just can't decide. Me cause im this great new love in her life but him cause its easier, convenient, memories etc etc. To me he broke up with her to be singel, can't get anyone to date or sleep with and now rings up the ex girl saying he is sorry. Like she told me that it would be easier just to get back with him etc etc and she wonders if she should if she has feelings for him still, i told her we all still love our exes in some way and always will but their your ex for a reason and dont let them hold you back. why do i bother? i can't help it cause i have strong feelings for her. seems to me she can't make up her mind cause she is afriad that if the wrong decision is made she will loose out. Should i just make the decision for her? tell her its me or nothing. I think that would do it as she is just being a cop out by not wantin to be the one that calls it. ah!!!!!!!


i do feel like its inevitable that they will get back together, like to say all those things to me about being with him if wasnt for me period, its like she is just waiting for me to let her go so its easier for her, she "complains" in a joking way mind you that im to perfect and to good to get etc etc, its like she wants me to **** up so she can exit. i dont want to see other people and sometimes i do feel as though i should just enjoy our time together, but thats basically wasting my time for the inevitable i feel. i was thinking of telling her i just need time to myself to work out what i want as im not sure if i can handle this anymore. truth hurts i gues

the whole can't be bf and gf is i think cause it leaves the door still open as being official is moving on right? well to her it is.....yes i do feel she just wants me to make the decision so she doenst have to be the bad guy so to speak, but all i want is her and i wonder if i just treat her right and hang in there that she will realise its time to move on and be with me? nothing worse than telling her its me or him and her going ok bye but i guess then its the truth then? ah so hard....my biggest fear is that i say it and she goes then ends up not gettin gback with him and just staying single or breaking up with them anyways, i just trying to hold on to her i guess and honesty is great from her but sucks to know the truth and yet no have her act on it either way. I just wonder if i just support her and be a friend to her i can only be doing the mature kind thing and if it dont work out so be it?

It sounds like you are a rebound for her. That will never work long term. You need to be blunt with her, say you are not a back up or rebound. If that means things end, so be it.

[talaniman]

If the math is correct, she was single 3 months before you came along, and is still not over the ex. That puts you in the position of maybe a rebound, but you say your not exclusive. HMM, I hope you understand that any words of love that come from her mouth, can't be the whole truth, and I would not invest anymore time, or emotion on someone that hasn't made up her mind about the ex. This works out great for her, but not you. This is to unequal here, and you need to start backing off, and protecting your heart. Your feelings for her may be intense, but to soon to declare undying love, so stop investing so much in her, and see it for what it is. She is only half yours now. Me, I date others, since it not exclusive, nor will be.

[rewoprm]

Sorry.it is and always has been exclusive from day one, there was no ex contact until recently so I guess that's why it was not an issue for her as she thought it was over for good but now he is asking for her back! My theory is that if were exclusive then why not just be together officially? But I know that means she can still keep her options open and run back to him when I mess up or something, she keeps complaining I'm to good to her etc etc, as if its my fault for treating her right and not giving her an excuse to break up? We have these talks about slowing down etc etc and to spend less time together and less couple stuff (mainly her idea!) and when I tell her were to stick it if she wants him and I'm going out with the boys then, she comes crawling and wants to spend every waking moment with me? Its weird... when I do tell her straigh she wants me more? Maybe the ultimatum would work?

[talaniman]

Exclusive from day one, yet its unofficial. Not with her leaving the back door open, its not exclusive. I think she is checking you out and wants to be sure, and get to know you before it can be official. Maybe your thinking too much of the competition, and not focusing on the girl. Either way you have moved fast, and invested much, in this short time (3 months), she has not. Honestly she is right, not to jump right in and give you everything you want. She is taking it slow, so stop worrying about the ex, and be yourself, and stop the pressure to be official, its to soon. You don't need an ultimatum, you need patients.

[Grand Chilokar]

look... from everyone else's respnce you now know the situation, but I bet you still don't know what to do... instead of thinking about you leaving her, think about her leaving you... do you really love her? Can you see yourself without out her? If you can, then stop making it painful and just let her mature by letting her go. If you can't see yourself without her, than tell her she has to choose and that you can't share her. Because you don't want yourself to end up bieng the guy who knows your girl is somewhere off with a guy who doesn't appreciate her. If you can't be away from her but she still is between herself, you haqve to let her go! Its more painful holding on to something you will never have! You can only helpo her by letting her go.

That is if you can't see yourself with out her...

[rewoprm]

Yeah I do feel as though we went so fast so quick and now the brakes are on its hard to go in reverse to get were we should really be? Like it is semi mutual in terms of we went to fast I can't help but agree with her, in terms of I wouldn't be going through the stress of worrying about her etc and what's going on if it was a slow progression and she was able to work her self out along the way. I do feel like I'm concentrating so much on her and her ex and any outside influences instead of just enjoying me and her. When we first got together it was so much fun and I didn't even think twice about what we are known as officially and just went with it cause it felt good, maybe I just need to focus on that feeling and realise that hey as long as we are only sleeping with and dating each other then I should just enjoy that time and let her work herself out along the way with out pressuring her every five minutes, cause maybe that is what is scaring her away the pressure? Cause when it was fun and stressless about what we are we never had an issue.. taliniman I think that's what your saying? I like the idea, its only been hard back pedling if you know what I mean?

[talaniman]

Just have fun, and leave all the other stuff alone. I really think you're your own worst enemy here, and should relax and go with the flow, instead of trying to aim where things are going. We fellows always spoil the fun with our own issues, and are so afraid of losing the female, we lose ourselves, and the female. Don't make her your whole life, heck you ain't married to her, so have a fun life and let her share it. I have NEVER, ever considered the competition, and have never been jealous, as that's so counter productive. So shuck all that drama, and show her a good time, and pay attention to her, without being insecure, and smothering the poor girl. Have faith, and confidence in yourself, and if she likes what your doing she will stay, and even if she doesn't, she will always remember the fun, and so will you.

[jackie79]

Sounds very much like a rebound yes, and you should be careful. It could maybe work out in the end if you play your cards right, but it all depends or her relationship to her ex. e.g if they see each other regulary, are good friends, etc. If all 3 of you live in the same city, if she and her ex share many friends, she will probably never get over him. But if its possible for her to stop getting reminders of him, then there is a chance in the long run for it to work out. But remember, when people feel sorry for themselves over a long time, they usually get pretty selfish. Even without knowing it themselves. And the L word after that short of time is for sure only to be filling a void in her
Think about yourself first, then what's best for her