[ucla_gal]

I met this boy several years ago. He was so wonderful, in so many different ways. My family loved him, as did I. We quickly fell in love. But I was so young and inexperienced. I was 18, he was 25. I didn't know what I wanted, in him, in myself, in life. I chose to abruptly end our relationship. It definitely caught him by surprise. We ceased all communication shortly thereafter. Last summer, I came across a young lady's online journal. I come to find out that she is the wife of this boy. I cried for several days. He was such a rare find, but I pushed him away. And now he's married. I've yet to find anyone that measures up to him, not even half-way. It's been a year since I read about their union. And I'm still sad. I really am. I made such a terrible mistake in ending our relationship. I would never think of breaking up their marriage. I just feel that I need some kind of closure. We didn't end on the greatest terms. I want to contact him. Apologize for being such a jerk. I feel this is the best way for me to find closure, but I don't know if this would be a sound choice. What do I do, or not do?

* Sorry for being so dry and succinct. I'm emotionally drained and I think this really served as a much needed rant for me than anything else.

[one_life]

I know you don't want to hear this, but don't try to contact him. What good will that do apart from satisfying you. He is already married. Cut your loses and move on. You admitted you made a mistake. Mistakes happen and you should learn from it. Why get involved in his life now and complicate things. It would be selfish of you, if you tried to get back into his life right now. Besides there are more men out there, just make sure you don't compare them to your ex, or you'll never get anywhere. That is the best advise you'll get. I wish you good fortune.

[fredg]

Hi,
Just so you will know whether to accept or reject my advise, I am 63 yrs old married now (2nd. Marriage) for 28 yrs. First ended in divorce after 7 yrs.
I attended colleges, have 3 degrees, now retired.
My real true love at 18 yrs old, was a high school sweetheart. We fell in love... went together 4 yrs. I went off to college, she went to another one. About a yr after I stated college and writing back and forth to each other, I got a "dear John" letter. She said "I'm in love....shock...shock..."
You know that after over 40 yrs, I still remember that!
I never did go back, try to get in touch with her, etc, etc. My own closure was going out, going to college dances, meeting new people. After about another yr, I met a special girl, who I eventually married at 24 yrs old, but unfortunately, we divorced 7 yrs later, with two children.
All this is simple; it takes awhile to get over someone you love.
Please don't contact this man; he isn't the one who wants "closure", you do.
Get out and meet others, and before you know it, you will be liking another man, but still remember the good times you two had together.
I do wish you the best, but please don't try getting "closure" with this married man. You can do it for yourself.

[ucla_gal]

Thanks one_life and fredg for your replies. And fredg, thank you for sharing your story. You’re both right that I shouldn’t make any contact with him. I know that I shouldn’t. And I won’t. So I’ve now realized why I’ve been so hung up about this. Now I do have hope that I will meet someone and fall in love, but the chances of me falling in love and marrying an Asian man, well, very small. I would love to fall in love and marry an Asian man. I really would. My family would love it. I know my mom is counting on me to marry someone within my group. But do you know how difficult it is to find a decent man within my small Southeast Asian ethnic group? Very. And to have him meet my “expectations?” Slim to none. I had someone, this boy, but I was too young to know a good thing, even if it slapped me in the face. So what now? Nothing I guess. I’ve got to make amends with myself, with this, and move on. You know what, I probably won’t find another Asian man like him. I won’t. But I shouldn’t beat myself up about it. I was young. I made a costly mistake. And I’ve got to live with it. No regrets (IP).

[Wildcat21]

People want what they CAN'T have. Always - You are attracted to this guy because he is UNAVAILABLE. I bet if he were single you wouldn't have nearly the attraction for him.

Why be so hung up on marriage?? The more you worry about it, the les chance you have.

Work on yourself. Your partenr is only PART of your life - never your life. When you put too much importance on this it NEVER works out.

You need other things in your life. Work, school, FRIENDS, family, WORKOUTS, HOBBIES, religion etc.

[fredg]

Hi,
Please don't keep telling yourself that you will never find an Asian man you will fall in love with. There is someone out there for you, and all you have to do is find him. With a little luck, he will find you!
Boyfriends and loved ones come and go. You will love another, please just give it a little time to happen. I do wish you the best, and you are certainly one special person!

[ucla_gal]

People want what they CAN'T have. Always - You are attracted to this guy because he is UNAVAILABLE. I bet if he were single you wouldn't have nearly the attraction for him.

Why be so hung up on marriage??? The more you worry about it, the les chance you have.

Work on yourself. Your partenr is only PART of your life - never your life. When you put too much importance on this it NEVER works out.

You need other things in your life. Work, school, FRIENDS, family, WORKOUTS, HOBBIES, religion etc.

Have you read a cultural anthropology textbook? You should. Your remarks are quite ethnocentric. Some cultures place a lot of value in marriage, and my culture, happens to be one of them. Don't be so quick to cast judgement Wildcat 21. Suspend your judgement and try to understand their situation by placing it in the correct context, in this case, in the correct cultural context. If you fail to do so, you'll get a lot of people pissed off by imposing your opinion of what is the right thing to do. And no, you're incorrect in your assumption. If he was available, I'd snatch him up right away. Knowing that he's now married has made me realize what a terrible mistake I made.

[ucla_gal]

Hi,
Please don't keep telling yourself that you will never find an Asian man you will fall in love with. There is someone out there for you, and all you have to do is find him. With a little luck, he will find you!
Boyfriends and loved ones come and go. You will love another, please just give it a little time to happen. I do wish you the best, and you are certainly one special person!

Thanks fredg. I enjoy reading your replies. Brings a smile to face and gives me hope. =)

[Wildcat21]

Nope. I work in reality. My advice may be tough love and you can get upset about it - but it's the way the world works.

One day you will understand this.

Being all flowery in advice doesn't get the person change - and if you're here you need to change things in your life. Cause what your doing isn't working.

[ucla_gal]

Nope. I work in reality. My advice may be tough love and you can get upset about it - but it's the way the world works.

One day you will understand this.

Being all flowery in advice doesn't get the person change - and if you're here you need to change things in your life. Cause what your doing aint working.

You must live in a small and static imaginary world then. If you don't want to heed my advice, then so be it. Continue to add to the ignorance in this world.

[s_cianci]

At this point, I'd just let it go. He's married and possibly has children. He's made a life for himself and it really wouldn't be fair for you to intrude into that, especially since it was you who broke up with him. He may become angry and resentful toward you for intruding into his life under the circumstances and possibly causing problems between he and his wife. I know I would be if I were in his shoes. If an old girlfriend who had previously broken up with me were to contact me now it would upset me and I know my wife would be upset by it as well. I'm sorry that you're feeling so badly about the whole situation but you made a choice and whenever anyone makes a choice we always have to be prepared for the possibility that we'll come to regret that choice down the road. However, just because you're having some regrets right now doesn't mean that you didn't make the right decision. Something may happen for you down the road that'll make you very glad you ended this relationship. We can't change the past but we can always control the future. Let this serve as a learning experience so that next time you're confronted with such a situation you'll be all the wiser.