[sea breeze]

Hi guys

You gave me such good advice on my own situation I hope its OK if I post a question for my sister who has asked me for my opinion! She's likes this guy a lot I don't want to give her the wrong advice!

SHe met this guy about 6 months ago and they hit it off, great chemistry, she said she never felt anything like it he said the same blah blah however he told her from day one he didn't want to have a serious relationship with her. She told him the same so it seemed OK. They didn't see each other that often and don't do much together i.e go out. He didn't want to get attached etc. She was chasing him like crazy for ages but then grew tired of that and changed her tactics so it seems to be working as in he's doing most of the chasing now.

The thing is now she's changed her mind and decided she does want a relationship if not with him then with someone else. She's hoping he has changed his mind. I told her to just move on. He has said a few things to her and she is just clinging to hope and analysising every word he says.

How can she tell him she wants a relationship and she is willing to give it a go with him if he's interested without coming across as desperate? Or should she just distance herself and say nothing? SHe is so scared of doing the wrong thing and I am too scared to give her the wrong advice in case it back fires!

They are crazy about each other but he's just not into her enough to commit. I think she is willing and ready to move on at least she says she is if he says no. She's just too scared to come out and ask! Hes ticking along thinking she doesn't want a relationship with him either.

Any words of wisdom? Thanks in advance!

[valinors_sorrow]

Just for the record, its my belief that "I want something serious" should arrive when you meet someone to be serious with, and not sooner or separately. For some people that comes late (as it did for me) and for some not at all - there are no guarantees about successful partnership in life.

In the meantime it should only be speculation - i.e. "If I meet the right person, I might settle down" or "I would like to settle down but I haven't met the right person so who knows."

If the person you want to be serious with doesn't match your feelings, then there is your answer.

This is a lot different than two people who's feelings match but they feel they need to take it slow or have agreed wait until circumstances will support something more serious.

Confusing those two conditions will only cause oneself to hurt their own heart.

Your sister should let a modest version of her feelings be known and see what happens. Risk is an inherent part of love, but so is grace. If he reciprocates, then she has risked well and if he doesn't, then she will need to learn how to gracefully move on.

True love is not something that can be manipulated so all the excruciating details of the how and why aren't nearly as important as staying true to self and telling your truth to your prospective partner, especially in that order.

I hope this helps you and your sister.

[talaniman]

The only thing I can add is communicate often and take it slow and be honest!:cool: :)

[sea breeze]

Thanks guys will pass that advice on!

Very eloquintly put valinors sorrow!

[Wildcat21]

I agree with the others, this one is simple... she needs to talk with him about it - tell her his feelings - she needs to also LISTEN to him. She'll never know unless she asks.

She ALSO needs to be prepared with his answer.

[fredg]

Hi, sea breeze,
You have some great answers.
Just like to add that this is called "dating"...
I think you already answered your own question with "he is not that ready yet for a commitment with her".
As said, this takes time. She should "lay off" the chasing, as she has done, and now leave it up to him. Stay friends, if she can, but be ready to move on. Stop communicating and calling him. Let him make the next move.

[kp2171]

This is a case of knowing reality is better than being uncertain.

Unless she's willing to flail around in uncertainty, she should think about what she wants and then act on it.

She doesn't need to apologize for her wanting more. Relationships change because people change. I was once in a relationship that was monogamous for two years... one where we pretty much said lets have some fun for a time and no hard commitments... we had enough fun together that neither pursued others during that time. We were crazy about each other... but id just gotten out of a serious relationship that crashed and burned, and she also had just broken off a close relationship.

But at the end she was feeling like she needed to branch out (6 years younger and in school) and I was ready to move on to a "serious" relationship that was going to lead somewhere. It happens. No apologies needed.

But the only things I've usually regretted later on are 1) the things I never did but shouldve, and 2) the time I wasted wondering about what to do next when the answer was pretty clear.

While I've made mistakes, I've hardly ever felt bad about taking control and taking action. Knowing the reality of the situation frees her either way - the relationship will progress forward, or shell be free to start down a new path.

Always better to know the reality than to fret about the unknown.

[sea breeze]

Its all so true.

Apparently she just told him that she wasn't comfortable with the situaiton any longer that she wanted something more than FWB and that she hoped they could still be friends.

His reply was 'ok' and that was that!

I think he was just using her, I tried to tell her but when people are infatuated there is just no talking to him. They never did anything together. His excuse was he didn't want to fall in love. All very noble but the hurtful part for her is he does do commitment and he wants to get married soon, just not to her due to her personal circumstances.

I think in a way she is relieved to have got it off her chest and I know she will move on now. And sure if he decides he made a mistake I am sure he will come after her.

Thanks a lot guys.

[Wildcat21]

See - folks... FWB - not a good idea in MOST circumstances... someone ALWAYS gets hurt. These arrangements do not work. Someone is always clearly using someone else as the other person hopes for more. ALWAYS!

It's really mentally unhealthy for a lot of reasons. To be in such an intimate setting always creates feelings by at least one person. And that person with the feelings gets them hurt always.