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How and at what point did you give up hope?
In another post, I read that getting to the point where you can give up hoping that your ex will return is crucial to begin to get over them. I realize that being unable to do this very thing is making the healing process/ getting over my ex so hard for me. I know that I am struggling with giving up hope that one day he may contact me again for a reconciliation. I have been good at doing no contact, but I just can't get the hope out of my heart that HE may still contact me for a reconcilliation.
I know that this in unlikely, and against the odds, but I think for me, it is feuled by the fact that in the past before I dated this particular ex, I was in a relationship that was off and on for almost 8 years, so I know that sometimes reconcilliations do happen and exes can call after even many months apart. So when my latest ex kept contacting me for months after the breakup, naturally, it unfortunately kept hope alive for me that he still cared. I feel that I could move on much easier if I could give up hope, accept that it is over for good, but a tiny part of my heart won't let me. Part of me wants to block my ex's email, change my phone number, move to a new city, maybe even join the Witness Protection Program... lol, but then I have a nagging thought of "but what if, even months from now, he was single again, and were to try to get in touch with me?" when I have missed him so terribly and wanted a reconcilliation for so long? I hate having regrets about things like that. Can anyone give advice on how to give up hope once and for all? When you did give up hope, did you find that it has been much easier to move on? At what point did you finally give up hope? Have you truly given up hope or does a tiny part of you still think that one day your ex may have a change of heart and try to get back together with you? Any advice would be appreciated here. |
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Even people that are further down the line for e.g. me and Geoff as well. Sometimes you will still get that little glimmer of hope. It is only occasionally now, whereas at the beginning you reckon the person will realise they have made a mistake and come back straight away, not so. I was hoping he would turn up with a bunch of flowers LOL, as he used to be so caring towards me, it is hard to get your head round a situation of rejection.
I guess, the more time went on, the more I realised he wasn't coming back. I am 6/7 months on from the break up. I have accepted that he will not come back now. It seems to be though, that people do get back together after a break up of a year or something. I find that difficult to take in though. When my ex came down with my stuff, I really didn't feel as much for him as I thought I would. It just shows you time heals, and I guess I felt it wasn't the same person I used to know. I would say the hope continues on for a long time, but it gets better. |
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Actually the whole thing after a break up goes on in our heads, and if you follow no contact, all those feelings of hope, and getting back together, is us trying to hold onto something familiar. We are afraid of the unknown, afraid we made a mistake, and afraid to be alone. The more quick we accept the break up the more quick we feel better about ourselves and our decisions. The first time we break-up with our first real love is a bona fide B#t#H to deal with but as we mature and grow we are better able to reconcile our situation and deal from experience and it may be hard but its not the shock that the first one is. Just my two cents.
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I don't think you should ever give up hope. Hope for meeting that righteous individual who is going to appreciate you and love you as you are.
You are having one of those setback days thinking about the past and still hoping for your someone to come back. I promise you there will be a day when you wake up and your ex will not have a hold on you any longer. The moment will come when you can't believe you ever dated that person. Your ex-ex sort of established a pattern of breaking up and getting back together and that is messing with your head now. Was all that breaking up to make up healthy? Probably not. Break that pattern for yourself. Hang in there! We all have days of hope/despair. One day I was racing home to hit the gym and as soon as I got in the door I lost it. I couldn't work out because my eyes were too puffy from crying and wondering when my love would come to his senses. EVERYONE HAS BEEN THERE! Allow yourself the time to have hope. That's how you feel. Please be proactive in taking steps to assure yourself that while you have hope (not just for your ex, but for the future and whatever that may bring) you are doing your darndest to put yourself in a better place. Only you can make you happy. Nobody else is going to do that for you. I hope this helps. |
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Is it that you are hoping he will return, or the relationship you had before it went bad will return? If he came back and nothing had changed, wouldn't you end up breaking up again?
I've said this before and I'll say it again, you can't move forward if your eyes are glued to the rearview mirror. That hope that he will come back ties you to the same place, it becomes a baggage that will certainly show up in your next relationship and may cause it to fail because the two don't compare. |
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[QUOTE=momincali]Is it that you are hoping he will return, or the relationship you had before it went bad will return? If he came back and nothing had changed, wouldn't you end up breaking up again?
Both really Momincali. I know it's unrealistic. I have just had a hard time letting go of this particular guy because I really cared for him and had high hopes for the future of the relationship. I've never met anyone like him. Yes, we probably would break up again if nothing changed (the distance, his apparent lack of love for me, etc). It makes no sense that I would want it back in that respect, but it's just how I have been feeling lately. :( Blecch! I'm working on trying to let it all go. I'm posting here rather than contacting him or talking to my friends about it for the millionth time. Tal, the funny thing is that I was in a relationship on and off for 8 years before my latest ex. Once I decided and accepted that the 8 year relationship was over and was not worth it anymore (because I finally saw him for what he really was, which is a dishonest and unfaithful guy), I went through some pain and heartache for a while, but I ultimately did not want him back and in time got over it. But when it comes to this latest ex, I am having a hard time with not wanting him back. Even though he ended things with me for another girl, when we were together, he seemed like an overall great guy. The way things ended truly shocked me because I really thought he was different and that he cared for me. My head reeled when he, for lack of a better term, dumped me for another girl. It was such an unexpected breakup. And wap, I could not rate your answer, but thanks for your reply. Seeing your progress and how far you have come is an inspiration to me! I wish I could do as well as you seem to be doing. I hope I get there soon. |
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I agree with wap, hope fades with time. At 4 1/2 month post breakup, I am not saying that I am fully over it, I am not and I do still have a small part in my heart that occasionally thinks for a second, what if she did come back, what if? Will it ever go away? yes, in time, I will never even have a small glimmer of hope. You can't switch off your brain or your heart and stop it from having these thoughts. The only thing you can do is take positive steps to try and control that hope. It is by embracing this control that you begin to find ways of making the hope not control you. Hope is not always a bad thing and I have seen situations where hope becomes reality, but if you live your life on the basis of hope, especially hope based on a reconciliation with an ex, you may end up very unhappy and not making any progress. I believe time is the key to overcoming hope but time alone won't solve the problem if you can't at least attempt to let go.
My suggestion to you Southernbelle is that a big step for you would be to change your phone number, change your e-mail or block him. By doing this, you are in a way gaining control of the situation and the hope becomes less controlling of you. I wish I could tell you what the future holds, I wish I had that gift (for myself and others) but I can't and nobody (as far as I know) can. But I do HOPE that things get better for you, and this hope is good hope!:) |
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One question everyone...
Suppose I do take the advice given by Geoff and I change my phone number and my email once and for all? What if after I did that, my ex were to try to get in touch with me for some reason (getting back together, apologizing for what he did, realizing what an a** he was, etc), and he was completely unable to reach me? He and I are long distance after all and it is unlikely he would pop in without calling first. I may move to a new city this summer... therefore he would not even know my address. I guess I am a person who worries about having regrets in life and I have wanted to reconcile with him for so long. I guess I am afraid I would miss if he were to try to do something that I have wanted for so long. Stupid I know, but this is why I am hesitant to change all my contact info. Should I just change everything like Geoff suggested? I am thinking about it because it may help to know that I would never hear from him again, but at the same time I am afraid I would miss out on something I have wanted for so long... even if it was a chance for him to say he missed me and I could turn him down if that is how I felt. :mad: What do you think everyone? |
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It would be a good new start for you SB. I couldn't rate you either by the way.
I had thought about changing my number, but my ex has only called me once in 7 months. Plus, I need that phone no because I am now looking for a new job, and everyone has that number, all my contacts. So, that might ruin my chances of a new job. I don't see that you are losing anything by changing your phone no, maybe you could keep the same email address if you have to. At least if you have changed your phone no, you know he will not be calling you. I think a new start would be good for you, and it would make you feel better about things. I appreciate it is hard, I still wonder if my ex would contact me, but why would he? When I met up with him he was obviously riddled with guilt. After all it was them who wanted out of our lives, why should we put our lives on hold for them. We should try to not do that, although it is hard. So, if that means that you change your contact details, and he has to hire a detective to track you down, so be it! : ) |
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Hmm southernbelle, well you said you blocked his email for a few weeks? And then unblocked it?
If that was not possible for you to continue with, I'm not sure you are really considering seriously changing your number also. A year seems a very long time to be still wondering about this guy. He is living far away plus he is with someone else, 2 points which I would have thought would have made life much easier to get over someone. Maybe ask yourself why you are so attached to him? Have you a busy social life? Have you any male friends? |
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 Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06
I'm thinking the same thing you are. My ex contacted me recently to "clarify" things. Everybody keeps telling me not to respond and in the end they're probably right. However... there is still a little voice in the back of my head that keeps telling me that I am missing an opportunity. Even if it is is a tiny tiny tiny chance that she contacted me to reconcile, not aswering seems to me to that I am maybe wasting my only chance to get together. That is only the reason I haven't changed my phone number and email. I will not actively do something to get back together with my ex (= NC). But I'm certainly not going to stop her getting back together with me, no matter how low the odds are. I guess hope dies last. |
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Hi Southernbelle, hope I didn't sound bossy in my last post... maybe you are just a bit lonely and you think its because of him? Think of it this way if he came back tomorrow and wanted to reconcile would you really want to be with him?
Try and keep busy, I find that really helps, and try and meet men as just friends , that really helps also. Keep positive , the right one is out there somewhere!! And you are a nurse, right?? You must be helping and meeting lots of people everyday |
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Hope that looks backward isn't really hope, just a mixture of regret and longing. Give it up. Knowing what you know now, you couldn't possibly go back to the trusting state you were in before he revealed his true self. It's over, and a good thing it is, too. It was based on a lie. Hope for the future, not the past.
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Oh sweetie, I wish I could give you a big hug, so pretend I am dong just that. You aren't really giving up hop but deciding to move on. You just need to give yourself some time/ you're grieving now that the shock has worn off. All the work and the yoga in the world will not help ease the pain you feel in your heart. You need to let the grief period run its course. When a relationship that we put a lot of effort in ends we go through the 5 phases of grieve, because in essence the relationship has in fact died.
As for changing you email or your phone number, you can block him on the web. As for his calling you, don't return his calls. If you do it will only encourage him to keep it up. Eventually he will get the hint and stop. Instead, try sending him a letter telling (not asking) that he leave you alone) that way you don't have to hear his voice and stir those feelings up again. Whether he has tried to contact you, you'll feel better about having "closure" by stating you're moving on. Plus it'll give him something to think about like how rude he was to you and that the best thing to ever get away. You're doing good kid. Keep it up. |
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Thank all of you for your replies. You have all been very helpful. It is great to have a place to vent my thoughts.
JDOP, I think your breakup has been more recent than mine. You may still realistically be able to work something out if a reconcilliation happened. I don't know all the details of your breakup, but mine resulted of him leaving me for another girl. Not too easy to sweep under the rug. I should be long over this by now and over him! It makes me mad at myself. I hope that your situation didn't end as harshly. No rol, you didn't come off bossy, you make more sense than I do. And yes, I am a nurse. I meet people and (hopefully) help them every week. Unfortunately I don't have too many hot guy patients... they are usually old enough to be my grandpa! Lol. But you never know, it only takes one. I have heard that the one comes along when you least expect it. I hope so. I am working on getting myself in a place where I am over most of the fear of getting hurt again and can let myself really fall for a guy again. Ordinary guy, you are right, the trusting state with my ex has been completely shattered and even if he did try to reconcile with me, we would not get along as well as we did before all of this happened. When I miss him and think of him, I think about the times when things were good... before he revealed his true self. He really screwed it up. Talk about selective memory! I have definitely been falling victim to it. Lately I have been wondering if I ever even knew him at all. Perhaps I didn't. I guess if something seems to good to be true, it probably is. Maybe he had me completely fooled. Chippers, thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I appreciate it. |
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I think a reconciliation with an ex is tough and there does need to be serious changes to make it successful the second time around. I was discussing this idea with a friend the other day and he said that if an ex were to come back after some period, there would probably be lots of questions about what went on while you were not together (even though that is none of your business since you were no together) You would be questioning things in your head and perhaps have a guard up thinking, could they do it again, leave you and break your heart again. I don't think it would be the same 2nd time around if that slim possibility happened but then, it really can't be the same 2nd time around because it was broken for a reason the first time. Without change, would there be any real difference and would things just end again?
I believe that it would take forgiveness but you would never forget it>>you can forgive but can't forget.. |
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Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06
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You made some excellent points Geoff. The innocence and newness of the relationship before the breakup would no longer be there and that would lead to lots of problems if my ex and I were to reconcile. In a previous relationship, I was off and on with him for a long time, and there were many resentments builtup because we would both have other relationships during the breakups and trust was broken.
And yes, I've seen the Holiday movie... but long distance relationships? Lol. They don't go as smoothly in real life as on the big screen. Especially with an ocean in between. Mine ended disastrously. But the dating thing, I'm working on it. I hope to be ready soon. |
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Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06
I think even the most forgiving person would still feel resentment in that scenario even if technically it was none of their business anyway as they (the dumper and dumpee) were both free and single. The trust would be hard to build up again, not impossible, but hard. |
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I agree Geoff. Before he broke up with me, he could talk about his ex girlfriends and it wouldn't bother me at all because they were in his life before he met me and he didn't dump me to be with any of them. Whereas now, if he and I were together and he went to talk about the girl he dumped me for, I could see myself getting angry and looking at that relationship as a personal "slap in my face". Actually, I do look at his relationship with her in that way anyway. Even though we aren't in touch anymore, I got discarded for this girl and I am not sure if I could be unbiased when it comes to her and how their relationship came to be. Maybe I am ridiculous for feeling this way, but that's partially why I couldn't be friends with him. I feel too much resentment and if he tried to talk to me about his relationship with the girl he dumped me for (and he actually did try), anger would take over. I don't want that. I like to get along well with people. I am a nice girl, I swear. :)
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