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silasrop3s · Apr 18, 2009, 12:58 AM

Hi,

I have looked at some other topics similar to mine, but no one seems to be putting out the advice I need yet. I hope to find some answers here, but I ask that if you don't have personal experience over coming this matter or have helped someone over come these things, please do not comment.

I have been dating a girl, whom I will call Jessica for the purpose of the question, now for about five months, we are both in college and are 21 years of age. At the beginning of our relationship everything seemed normal to me. We would hang out, and have fun... like your supposed to do in the beginning of a relationship. However, it was about a month or two in that Jessica started feeling really sad all the time. Along with being sad came feelings of being crowded, and not wanting to be touched. After much prodding I was able to find out from her why she started acting this way. At age 12 a friend of the family molested Jessica, several times. He made her feel as if it were her fault by saying, "we really should stop this, but I can't help myself...its your fault for being so pretty." (Ugh* it sickens me) She said that she told her parents, but not everything. I don't believe she was sex educated at this point and also did not want to get this man in trouble. The man did not get punished and now he has a family with three little girls.

In addition, a few years later Jessica had a boyfriend whom she was in love with. He had plans to move back to where his family is from, but she told him she loved him and so he stayed to be with her. It was a short time after this that some guys, who had something against him, murdered him in his bed one night. Jessica was devastated, and on top of that the boys father blamed her for the boy's death. The father made Jessica come to the house and clean the blood off up off the floor and bed. Jessica still misses him to this day and I fell has some trouble letting go of all that... which is understandable, but she needs to realize that it is not her fault.

Where it concerns me...
Spring is the time of year that this all took place, and she says she feels so sad this time of year and every year since the death of her first love. Jessica sometimes does not want me near her; much less let me kiss her. However, at the start of the relationship she would want to kiss and hug me, but it was not till later that she told me she felt gross afterwards. I now do my best to give her space and let her come to me when she fells the touchy feely side, but its not often. The problem for me right now is, not so much the lack of kissing and hugging, because I can deal with not doing that for a while, but it is the thought of where our relationship will end up. We talked of marriage earlier in the relationship, because we both feel like we are made for each other. Jessica now tells me that she would not marry someone if she still felt grossed out by sex. I believe that it is healthy for a man and his wife to do this, so I prayed about it. After much thought and prayer I decided I would rather have her and no sex, than sex with someone and not her. I told her my thoughts, but she still said she could not get married if she felt that way about sex. She says she will feel obligated to do it.

My question...
I love this lady with all my heart, and I believe God has set me in the place I am to be with her. I need to know how I can help her, and I know its not going to be an overnight thing. I want to marry her some day, but I need some insight on how to deal with this from a boy friend's side of view, and also some suggestions I can give to her would be nice. I believe there is hope, but I just don't have the knowledge right now to help her. Please if you have ever gone through something similar and have over come it, feel free to tell me how you did it. Your time is greatly appreciated, and God will bless you for it.

Thank you

-Silas

liz28 · Apr 19, 2009, 05:15 PM

Your girlrfriend experience so pain in life from being molested to her ex boyfriend getting murder. Then to add more salt to the wound she has been told she was blamed, which she wasn't.

If you want to help your girlfriend I must tell you to help her get into counseling and you can help support her through it. She needs it and it will only work if she is open to it but try your hardest to convience her and I hope she goes. Counseling is the only way to go from here.

silasrop3s · Apr 19, 2009, 05:21 PM

Yes I think your right, but she has been sent to counseling once and she didn't like it. I suggested it to her and she told me, "That is what everyone says." She says the people are mean and do not really care about what she has to say. I will try to get her to go anyway, but she has had a bad experience with that as well...

Fr_Chuck · Apr 19, 2009, 05:29 PM

You don't go "once" and if you don't like that counselor you find one that you feel good with.

But she will have to address issues that she does not want to talk about. It could be years of going before she can feel better, but she may well not ever be "over" it. Just learning to deal with it.

lighterrr · Apr 19, 2009, 06:42 PM

Fr. Chuck is right sometimes we have experiences in our lives that are to painful to get over and no amount of counseling will help us to heal but we can get to the point where the pain can become bearable and livable, counseling is a definite.

musicianguybrum · Apr 21, 2009, 11:49 AM

Originally Posted by liz28

If you want to help your girlfriend I must tell you to help her get into counseling and you can help support her through it. She needs it and it will only work if she is open to it but try your hardest to convience her and I hope she goes. Counseling is the only way to go from here.

Great point there. I suffered from depression, not caused from any abuse or anything, apart from childood bullying, but it came back to hit me, I pretended for about a year that it was nothing, until I ended up taking an overdose in my room, and thank god, I survived! But the point I want to make, is I went to see a phycologist, I did try a counsellor in the early stages, but that didn't work for me, I needed someone to analyse things and reason with things to help me understand. But talk to your girlfriend, ask her if she is willing to talk to someone, and make sure you choose the right phycologist, if you do it can be only a matter of time until she starts to feel a difference.

Have to warn you, it will never go away, I do still get reaccurences of it, but, in on medication which keeps me in control of it (3rd year of it now).

From what it sounds like, she is extremily lucky to have someone like you!

Good luck!