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justcurious82 · Sep 10, 2009, 06:34 PM

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and a half now, and he still wants to party! I am sorry, but I just don't think it is right for my boyfriend to go to the bar 2 or 3 nights a week till 2 or 4 am without me. I feel disrespected and I also feel alone. Does anyone agree with me, or am I being silly?

Thanks

talaniman · Sep 10, 2009, 06:44 PM

How old are you, and do you live together? How long have you lived together if you do? Kids? Work? School? Details, more info please.

justcurious82 · Sep 10, 2009, 06:47 PM

I am 27, and he is 28. We have lived together for about a year. We do not have kids, I am currently unemployed so money is very tight, and he is a waiter.

Wondergirl · Sep 10, 2009, 06:49 PM

Are bars his escape from anything? Life? You? His own misery? Is he a social drinker?

none12345 · Sep 10, 2009, 06:49 PM

I agree with you. I would not want my girlfriend (when I have one) to go to bars without me and stay there all morning. Yes it is disrespectful. Have you informed him about your feelings? If he is a half decent man he will take your feelings into consideration.

Wondergirl · Sep 10, 2009, 06:53 PM

Also, if money is tight, tossing back drinks several times a week seems a wee bit wasteful.

Fr_Chuck · Sep 10, 2009, 07:06 PM

Part of the trouble, if you both, or he went to bars before you were a couple, you are now wanting to change him. Basically if you don't want a person who is going to the bars you don't date a person going to bars to start with.

But it appears you are settling down, he is not,

zippit · Sep 10, 2009, 07:14 PM

From personal experience it takes awhile to adjust to living as a couple,that is why it is so important to do the pre-marital arrangement either with a clergy or a counselor or someone and then have the ceremony because as a single guy who is used to leading the single life it is very
Hard to define the point when you say its time to settle down,so that is where you need to start you need to define where your relationship IS,where the money situation IS,and where you want to be.
I was a party animal and I came around so if your relationship is right he will too

justcurious82 · Sep 10, 2009, 07:17 PM

I have told him that this hurts me, numerous times. Yes he did go to bars when I met him, but I just figured he was doing it cause he was single. Normal people settle down. I just want someone that wants to come home to me. I feel like our home and me should be his escape.

Wondergirl · Sep 10, 2009, 07:22 PM

What do you two of you do when he does stay home?

zippit · Sep 10, 2009, 07:23 PM

I know you feel that way but you have to understand OLD habits are hard to break.
He needs to understand that he is NEEDED and wanted at home and that this time at the bar is hurting the relationship in order for him to understand that he needs to know where the relationship IS?
He might say"Im not giving my night life up for no girlfriend"
So where are you at? You need to make him feel like he has priorities and they are with you
And get ready for the "why whats so important?" nagging isn't going to get it.

justcurious82 · Sep 10, 2009, 07:24 PM

We cook out on the grill. Or we play card games, or watch movies. We have a really good time together, but it is those nights where he says I don't care what you want, that are tearing us apart.

justcurious82 · Sep 10, 2009, 07:31 PM

I don't try to nag. Some nights I don't say anything about him going out, and strolling in drunk at 3 am. I also try to go out with him, but I just want to sit at home some too. But I feel like this is just not right. I feel like I deserve to be treated better. I am a DAMN good girlfriend. I cook, clean, and AM good to him. I just don't understand why I am not enough for him to come home to?

CFZD · Sep 10, 2009, 07:31 PM

First of all, personal space is very important, if he goes without you then it is clear he doesn't want to see you during that time. Depend on what he does in the bar, if he goes there to get drunk then look for girls that's a BIG red flag. If he goes there to have a social moment with his own circle of friends without getting drunk, it's not as bad as you believe. Personal space is needed in ANY type of relationship ( including friendship).

zippit · Sep 10, 2009, 07:33 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious82

I have told him that this hurts me, numerous times. Yes he did go to bars when I met him, but I just figured he was doing it cause he was single. Normal people settle down. I just want somone that wants to come home to me. I feel like our home and me should be his escape.

Really I'm telling you its just a old habit.
If I'm wrong tell me but here is how it goes
He gets off work calls you tells you he will be home after a drink
Two hours later he/or you calls "where you at?" ohh so and so showed up
I'm about to leave 2 hrs later he still isn't home

Is that even close?

justcurious82 · Sep 10, 2009, 07:33 PM

He gets terribly drunk and then drives home. We get along very well other than this, so I don't know why he would be trying to get away from me?

itried · Sep 10, 2009, 07:37 PM

Here's what I think the problem is: You don't want him to have a life outside of you. Plus, I think you feel that whatever makes you happy should also make him happy. If this is the person he was when you first met him then don't try to change him because he will just wind up resenting and then dumping you. In a relationship you're supposed to share interests; what you shouldn't be doing is trying to assimilate yours into his life (while he gives up his).

Also, are you with him because you love/like him or because you don't want to be alone so you just got together with any man?

The drinking and driving thing is just stupid on his part, though.

zippit · Sep 10, 2009, 07:37 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious82

I don't try to nag. Some nights I don't say anything about him going out, and strolling in drunk at 3 am. I also try to go out with him, but I just want to sit at home some too. But I feel like this is just not right. I feel like I deserve to be treated better. I am a DAMN good girlfriend. I cook, clean, and AM good to him. I just don't understand why I am not enough for him to come home to?

He needs to know where the boundaries are for the relationship

justcurious82 · Sep 10, 2009, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by zippit

really im telling you its just a old habit.
if im wrong tell me but here is how it goes
he gets off work calls you tells you he will be home after a drink
two hours later he/or you calls "where you at?" ohh so and so showed up
im about to leave 2 hrs later he still isnt home

is that even close?

Yes, you are very right! Or it seems like every other night is someone else's birthday.

zippit · Sep 10, 2009, 07:39 PM

Originally Posted by justcurious82

He gets terribly drunk and then drives home. We get along very well other than this, so I don't know why he would be trying to get away from me?

Your going to get all the advise you want this shows its just a old habit and it will take a lot to break it.