[alexis.]

Hi guys,

I've just joined this site to ask a question about dating - I just don't have anybody to talk to. I'll try to keep it short.

So, I am 25 years old, with a degree from an Ivy League university, and a stable career in politics / international relations. I recently started working in the company which is owned by my father where I met his business partner, and a long time friend, with whom I started a business partnership as well.

(Though we have met a few times before in the company, last time when I was maybe 14 years old... )

And you know, we had to discuss business, so we went for a few lunches and dinners, and after sometime, I realized I fell in love with him. Crazy, I know. But we clicked instantly, I can discuss really anything with him, we share quite a lot of common interests.

I dated men my own age only and I just feel that I have a lot more in common with this older man than with any other 25 year old... no offense to any men my age, but they just seem to be so immature.

So, THE PROBLEM is: I think I am in love with him. I also think that he has the same feelings for me, but he would never admit it, because he is my father's friend. Moreover, I am 25 and he is 40, single, never been married. I am really torn, because I know we could possibly date, but, it is not acceptable, right?

I am the daughter of his friend and business partner, but you can't control who you fall in love with.

Thank you guys for reading and any useful answers. (Haters need not answer. And sorry if my English is not perfect, I am not a native speaker.)

What should I do?

[Cat1864]

Is he currently involved with anyone? If he is, then he is unavailable and everything else doesn't matter. You will need to control your feeling and move on.

While it isn't forbidden or anything like that (unless your business has a policy against workplace romances), there are a few issues for you to think about in making your decision.

1. The age difference. You are not a child. He hasn't played the part of 'uncle' in your life. I don't see any sign of him trying to play any games or use you to make himself feel younger. You seem fairly grounded and stable. I don't see age being a factor if you both have enough common likes and are at the same stage in your lives. For example: you both want to settle down or travel. You don't want to go out with him and possibly enter a personal relationship if you are wanting exactly the opposite things in life and said relationship.

2. Your father and their friendship and business. Have you ever talked to your father about dating someone older? Has he ever made comments about other relationships that might give an idea of what his thoughts and reaction might be? What type of culture/tradition does he come from? Would his background give you any any clues on how understanding he might be?

3. Your business dealings with him. Can you keep both parts of your life separate? If you did date him and it didn't work out, could you keep from allowing any lingering feelings from affecting how you work with him? When past relationships have ended, have you been able to remain on polite/friendly terms with your exes? Could you keep differences at work from affecting your romantic life? Could you keep your romantic life from interfering with work? Would a relationship between you cause issues for those who work with/for you?

I know this may seem like a strange idea, but I wonder if you should try talking to your father about the possibility of you going out with his friend. I say this because there may be personal things about this man that you don't know that might affect a decision to ask him out. It will also allow your father to know what is going on and while he may not have any say in what you do, it won't be a surprise to him. He will have time to think and listen instead of possibly over-reacting out of surprise.

Do not try to hide it from your father. Even if he disapproves and you choose to try dating this man, be open about it. Understand his position, but make your own decisions. Isn't that what he raised you to do? Fathers can get a bit upset when their daughters turn into the women they wanted them to be, but there is love even when there is bluster.

It all comes down to if you think you can handle what will amount to two lives with one person-a romantic one and a business one. If you think you can and he is available, ask him if he would consider a non-business 'date' with you. If he says yes, ask him out. If he says no, then you asked and know that part of your relationship with him is not going anywhere. Either way, keep emotions out of it until you have a better understanding of where the relationship is headed.

Good luck.

[alexis.]

Hi Cat!

Thank you for your advice. I thought it over, considering the issues you wrote about... and I feel like I have to write it down somewhere (here, for example)...

well, I know for sure he is single (gosh, I would never date him if he was in relationship!) and the whole thing with the workplace romance isn't actually that important - we work for two different companies and the job he does for our company is just a temporary one (consultancy). So, that's solved (more or less). Age difference. Well, I really don't know what to expect, but it doesn't seem to be a huge obstacle either... as I said, we clicked better than I expected...
But what really worries me is my father's reaction - sometimes I think he might freak out completely (especially when the thought of his friend sleeping with his daughter comes to his mind... ). On the other hand, he should be somewhat happy about me dating a decent man he knows and not just a random bloke... he never had any prejudices about those May-December relationships... But I have never ever talked about my romantic feelings for anyone with my DAD!

A hopeless situation,isn't it?

[JudyKayTee]

I don't see this as hopeless. Why would your father jump from "my daughter is dating my partner" to "my daughter is sleeping with my partner"?

You've never talked to your father about your romantic feelings. If you are conflicted about dating his partner this would be a good time to start.

Are you positive the partner WANTS to date you? I think I'd wait for him to ask in a romantic, non business way, before even bringing the subject up to my father.

[Jake2008]

You have been given excellent advice, and much to consider.

I would only add that when you talk to your father, ask him how he feels about you dating older men. Don't put him on the spot saying exactly who you're really talking about. (You don't have any 'evidence' that the man you are smitten with is truly interested, and if he is, whether there would be a relationship anyway. He may like you and want to date you, but never would, due to HIS relationship with your father.)

If you relay to your father possible specifics, that may or may not happen, and it actually doesn't happen, and your father realizes who you're talking about, that may forever put a wedge between him, and his friend that didn't have to happen in the first place.

To proceed with the assumption that this 40 year old man IS wanting a relationship, is only an assumption. And when and if the two of you get to a conversation about that possibility, that would be the time together, to discuss how to proceed.

Just pointing out that you may be putting the cart before the horse here.

[Fr_Chuck]

Yes it may well be easy to confuse what the older person wants or thinks. He may be merely thinking what a hot 25 year old, or he may be saying, is that the little 14 year old that had pig tails.

Unless you talk to him, ask him out for coffee and see if there is an interest, this all may be nothing