[mfmdo]

I am obviously in need of some help and opinions.

I have been in an off and on relationship with this guy for over 2 years. I met him in school and we were a match made in heaven... at least that was what I used to think.
I had to move for reasons that are not under my control, but we decided to give the long distance relationship a shot. He is a great guy and had great intentions... I honestly think he did not mean to hurt me... BUT what I found out today destroyed me. I still love him and he means so much to me... he was the only person that had not betrayed my trust and I thought he was the one.

I have been in a few relationships with jerks... the ones that treat girls like because they think they're the.. and this guy was actually the only one that seem to respect me and truly love me.

I moved in feb of 08 and we broke up in April of 09 because the distance was too hard to deal with.. despite the circumstances we continued our friendship and we shared everything with each other. We never fought about anything... I mean we had a few arguments but nothing too serious. We kept talking on the phone and on webcam every once in a while as friends... then one day he called me crying and he claimed he had seriously messed up with me. He said that he had made out with one of his bestfriends and thought that this was going to break our friendship... I told him that he shoulndt worry about it because I knew that long distance relationships are not easy and that I was not expecting him to wait on me forever... I wanted his happiness and if that meant him being with someone else I was fine with it.

We continued talking for a while. He came to visit me in dec of 08 and again in dec of 09. Everything went great... and this past December we had sex for the first time. We started dating again and decided to give the long distance relationship another chance... we promised to be committed and to act on our word. BUT... this is where it all gets confusing. I was obviously a virgin... and I wanted the first time to be with someone I truly cared for and loved. And I had no doubt in my mind that he was that one guy. It happened and it was great... but today I found out that that one kiss in the past with his best friend was not only a kiss... they had sex, she had a boyfriend and they had sex. Despite the fact that we were not together he lied to me... in my face. Sooooooooo many times. He claimed he was also a virgin... not once not twice BUT many many times. And then it happened. He lied to me about something that was really important to me. I know that when it happen we were not together but the fact that he had the guts to come and visit me, lie to my face that he was a virgin and that I was everything he needed kills me. How can you look at a person and say that and pretend everything is normal.
I understand that to some people this might not be a big deal, but to me it is. I am so destroyed because I was all into this relationship. I have never cheated on him, or lied AT ALL. NEVER.
I guess I was not to trust him. But I am so lost and confused. Please give me your thoughts on this situation...

[Clough]

Hi, mfmdo!

It's going to take you some time to sort it out and to get over him. But, I'm sure that you know that.

Is he the only boyfriend that you've ever had?

Thanks!

[mfmdo]

Yeah I hope so... the only thing I am not sure is if I should forgive him and move on... idk, that's where I'm sooo confused.

And no he is not, I've been in 2 relationships before him but they never got as serious... and I was obviously in love with this guy.
:(

But thanks for your words:)

[Clough]

Well, it's about choices. If I were you, I would choose to forgive him and move on.

I've been divorced a long time. My ex is remarried. I could choose to hate and keep bringing up the "baggage" of the past in my mind. However, what good would be accomplished by doing that?

It's a matter of choice...

We truly do reap what we sow. We can choose to build or to destroy. That could have to do with a lot of things.

Thanks!

[amicon]

He lied and kept lying so I can see your trust is gone.
He isn't the person you hoped he was.

He had sex with a girl who was in a relationship so he seems to think nothing of overstepping the bounderies of good behaviour,i.e. taken=off limits.

What do you want to do?
If you want to continue your relationship with him,you need to be able to find a way to forgive him.

Personally,I find that blatant lying is a dealbreaker.

In the end,you must make your own decision,as we all have to.

Good luck and take care.

[mfmdo]

Yea I see what you mean, and I completely agree.

Ill just leave it to time. It will eventually heal the pain and scars.
But it is now impossible to trust anyone else...

Thanks!

[amicon]

Time will heal your wounds.
In future,get to know people really well before getting into a relationship with them.

There are good,trustworthy people out there so don't give up.

[talaniman]

I understand your hurt, its very normal when we are disappointed after giving so much of ourselves.

I can also understand his actions, and why he lied, more to protect you, and out of guilt, and shame, it seems, at himself, for letting you both down.

How did you find out he lied? I can only imagine such a private thing could only be disclosed by him. Am I right?

If it was, then that says a lot that he made a serious mistake, and finally came clean, probably knowing the consequences of his actions would lose you.

Please correct my assumptions if I'm wrong, with the facts. Did he also lose his virginity with this "best friend"?

[mfmdo]

that is what he keeps saying. But the thing is though, that I trusted him and he knew this.
I asked him several times and he lied to my face, just the fact that when he came to visit me he slept with me and then kept telling me that I was his first. Blah blah blah I feel like such a fool. It meant a lot to me and he knew this. But he also knew that I could take the truth. And maybe or I am sure it would not have been this much of a problem if he had told me before we had sex.
he knew that I valued honesty more than anything and he betrayed me.
I see your point about him trying to protect me. But he also knows that I am a strong girl. I can take that. And this would not have ended this way if he had been honest with me before we slept together.

I received an email from I think either the "bestfriend" or her boyfriend. I am pretty sure because who else could have forwarded me their conversation... I don't know the email and it came as junk mail so I still don't know who sent it.
the conversation was between him and the girl. And how he had kept this secret from me because he didn't want her to be mad at him. The girls reasoning at first was that she didn't want him to tell me because I would then think of her as a whore but towards the end she says "wouldnt it be better for her to find out now rather than later"
so I'm pretty sure it was either he who sent it or her boyfriend.
her boyfriend has forgiven her and they are now engaged...
its just a big mess... and I'm not sure if I was clear. I hope you understand but still I wouldn't be as hurt if he had the guts to tell me.

and about the virginity I don't know. I think so yes we haven't talked about that yet... but I find it hard to believe him now.