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JamesCH · May 12, 2006, 09:41 AM

Over the last couple months I have been in a rollercoaster relationship with my ex. After about 6 weeks separated we decided to give it another try and it was barely a week together until she decided she needed more time.

We decided to take a break for the summer and see how we felt in a while. Our relationship was getting kind of serious and we are both young (20 years old) so figured this would be the best way to figure out if we were right for each other.

Anyway, at the moment she wants to do the whole "friends with benefits" thing. Pretty much we are the same way that we were going out, if not even better than when we were together. There is a lot more emotion and affection in our relationship but at the same time it is killing me.

She is seeing other guys as in coffee shop talks etc, not screwing them. I understand that I could do the same but am really not in the mood for meeting other women atm. But just the fact that she is seeing other guys is kind of hurting me even though she is telling me that I have beat every one of them so far.

Another thing that is bugging me is the fact that she feels that she has to lie about her seeing other guys when I ask her stuff like what did you do last night? I understand that its none of my business but I would rather be told the truth than get some **** about hanging out with her girlfriends whom at the time I knew were out of town.

Pretty much I am just confused on what to do with this. On one hand I am enjoying still seeing her with all the benefits of when we were together if not more of them. On the other hand it still kind of hurts me with no commitment there. What should I do?

Wildcat21 · May 12, 2006, 11:31 AM

First... I don't in any situation know where FWB has worked well. One person always wants more. You CAN'T be FWB with some one you dated exclusively at one time - FWB can only work between two people who did not date exclusively before - it's for two people who really ONLY want sex at that point in their lives.

Here's the crux... she has her cake and it's two - she has you and can date - AFTER an exclusvie relationship.

Heres' what I think: You've Consistently put way too much pressure on this girl for a relationship. WOMEN ask the relationship questions. Right now you should not care where she's been - FWB means sex 0nly basically. Have you been to agreeable with her, she gets her way?

My advice would be to cut off all contact and especially the sex. She has you. You're TOO available to her. She DOESN'T HAVE TO CHASE AFTER YOU.

She lies to you because she KNOWS your feelings get hirt so easily. Not good... Wuss Boy behavior. You need a SPINE and put her in her place.

If you continue things as they are everything she does SHOULD NOT MATTER. You act indifferent - QUIT asking stupid questions.

You need the idea in your head that you're moving on. Tell her it isn't working for you.

I think YOU need to date other people as well because I fear this relationship won't get better until you do if it does at all.

All I've ever seen with FWB is damage... no good really comes out of it other than sex. It sounds like you want more.

If you want more... leave this arrangement. No contact with her for at least 2 months. Date!!

Work on yourself... figure out why your not strong enough to not accept the current arrangement.

PLUS - what did you do to push her away- became too needy, too available etc.

I would read EVERY article at AskMen.com - Free Men's Online Magazine on datin gand relationships. Read the free articles at Love Tactics - Love Tactics Home.

AGAIN FWB has NOTHING to do with commitment. Nothing. There is none - there never will be.

NeedKarma · May 12, 2006, 11:49 AM

FWB worked for me in University. She was very, uh, "uninhibited" and we were both aware that we weren't dating each other. But campus life during the university years ain't real life. Those were heady days. <sigh>

Wildcat21 · May 12, 2006, 11:53 AM

See - he wants more. You didn't want more. His emotions are involved/feelings for her.

Fr_Chuck · May 12, 2006, 12:40 PM

Friends with benefits, (that is a new relationship name for me)

If one only views a sexual relatoinship as a benefit, then it has no special status, no special feelings, no special relationship. There is no reason to believe this is any real relationship.

sea breeze · May 12, 2006, 04:48 PM

New here I hope no one minds me contributing!

Its fairly unusual to see girl wanting to be the FWB.

However as wildcat says it never works unless two people are in the same place.

Are you accepting a situation you are not comfortable just to be with her? If so then there's only one person going to get hurt here and that's you.

Unless you can honestly say hand on heart I am happy and comfortable with this situation then I would say let her go.

And obviously you are not if you are posting about it here and getting upset over little issues. It will only get worse. It is obvious there is more feelings on your side of it.

Accept nothing less than what you want and what you deserve.

talaniman · May 12, 2006, 09:16 PM

Hate to say it, but she has you whupped,to put it nicely! She's still on the hunt for something better and she still has you whenever she wants. If you want more from a relationship walk away from this female and find one who feels like you do. She ain't it! You think whupped is bad? Stay with this arrangement you end up whupped, dumped, and broken hearted. And NO you don't want her back ,so don't go there! :cool: :eek:

magprob · May 12, 2006, 09:55 PM

Yep, I would say the ultimate down side far out weights the "benifits!" If you could enjoy the benefits and not become emotionally entangled then this might be a good thing; however, I think you need more than just that... alot more and this girl is not in the same mind set as you.:o

JamesCH · May 13, 2006, 01:42 AM

K well just to clarify the situation and give some sort of an update here. We both have needed a break for a while. In a way we are eachother's first love and truly wanted to know if we were right for each other. That's why we considered a break in the past but there is no way we could go more than a couple days without seeing or talking to each other. We considered FWB/non-commited relationship to allow us to see other people and know if we were right for each other.

Anyway, that is all in the past. Today has brought about many interesting twists and really I feel like I should just give up and move on. Yesterday we agreed that FWB would prob be the best way to go through this summer to get some answers but today was totally different. Today she did not answer my calls for the longest time, which I thought that was fishy because she never didn't just answer the phone. We both wanted to "date" other people but not be in any sort of relationship with them, just kind of scout the market. I thought that is what we agreed on but apparently now she wants me out of the picture.

She told me there is a guy she "sees potential" in and doesn't want me around to make it more complicated. I thought we were in agreement that we didn't want exclusive relationships so that we could figure out what we wanted but this sounds like an exclusive relationship to me.

I really want to stick around another day or two and find out what it is she wants but at the same time I just want to say **** it and move on. Ever since we first started having problems over 2 months ago I have not been happy, whether it was with school, work, or with friends. The only time I have been happy was the last week or so when we were "just friends" because it felt like we actually wanted to hang out and see each other, we weren't committed to do it.

I just don't know what to do. I am so confused and unhappy but at the same time I can't just leave her behind especially when we both still have feelings for each other. At the same time though I cannot get through this without some sort of closure. The open-endedness of this situation kills me. Am I just being BS'd with, because one minute she wanted to go out and date around and see what was out there without being committed, but less than a week since this came about she wants to be in a committed relationship with someone else? Am I just being toyed with?

milliec · May 13, 2006, 03:31 AM

Hi James,
You're asking yourself:"Am I just being toyed with?"

Sorry, but I think you are.
You have a right to a closure, so that BOTH of you could move on peacefully.
And there's no more "just friends " after the closure, at least for a very long time, until any mutual feelings you two MIGHT have had, have died, and you both are happy with other partners.
You said:"I can't just leave her behind especially when we both still have feelings for each other. "
Well, I'm not sure about the each other, at least not in the present,it might be true for you, but I'm not sure it holds true for her.
In any case, remember: when you agree to "scout the market ", there's not knowing what each of you will come up with, so it\s a rather endangering attitude for any relationship.
I wish you all the best of luck, a fast healing, and happiness.
Millie
:)

talaniman · May 13, 2006, 04:39 AM

Thought for SURE, you had read these posts and figured this out. Yet you still are asking questions that have been answered very precisely already? Those feelings you have for each other are stronger on your side than hers. Period. She is toying with you because you LET her.LISTEN UP-Ride into the sunset and do not, I repeat DO NOT look back. As I said before she p... whupped you, she's dumping you ,AND she is about to break your heart! YOUR only in shock now. It gets worse if you let it!:cool: :confused:

fredg · May 13, 2006, 06:04 AM

Hi, James,
You are being taken for a "ride"!
I would start meeting new girls; try to get over this one. If you are really in love with her, then you are just adding to your own agony by being "friends".
She, meantime, is enjoying other men!
It's over!
It is hard to get over someone; been there... done that. But, if you can, move on to better things. SMILE, and you will make friends immediately.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

Wildcat21 · May 14, 2006, 07:15 AM

WHY do you need to keep calling her? Why?

End it - she's totally moved on dude.

NeedKarma · May 14, 2006, 07:16 AM

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

WHY do you need to keep calling her? Why?

Maybe because it's good, free sex? :D

valinors_sorrow · May 14, 2006, 07:47 AM

Originally Posted by JamesCH

Another thing that is bugging me is the fact that she feels that she has to lie about her seeing other guys when i ask her stuff like what did you do last night? I understand that its none of my business but I would rather be told the truth than get some **** about hanging out with her girlfriends whom at the time i knew were out of town.

It has been my observation that any relationship (friends, lovers, **** buddies, pals, exs, etc.) that includes lies comes to a bad end almost 100% of the time unless the lying is stopped. Period.

bizygurl · May 14, 2006, 01:28 PM

In my opinion FWB never works. Even if both people want that at first it almost always turning into one wanting more than what the other can give or "wants" to give. I've seen it time and time again. Sex just isn't sex.. maybe that is how it starts for some people but it never really stays that way. You share something intimate and emotional like sex with someone and usually one of you will get too "attatched". Then this is where things get messy, not only does one end up getting extremely hurt in the process but your "relationship/friendship" won't be the same. It'll be akward, and then you may loose that person for good.

Sex is best saved for someone who truly "wants" you not only for your body but for you.. the "true you". Plus in my opinion, being with someone who wants me and loves me just makes the sex better. And that's how it should be.

wynelle · May 14, 2006, 02:09 PM

James- she's just not that into you anymore. You are her back-up sex toy. Take this time to meet other people, go to church, the library, the coin laundry, take a college class. But meet other people, and don't see her at all, don't IM, don't email, don't call. FWB really doesn't work fairly on both sides, someone always gets hurt.

Wildcat21 · May 15, 2006, 10:36 AM

Listen to Bizgirl - that's wha tsex is about - it's the ONLY way I would take sex - if I was truly into that person. Your gal isn't into to you... something is jaded there in her anyway - not right, I have a feeling she has some big issues - I don't THINK you want to be with someone who is LEADING YOU ON - using you!!

talaniman · May 15, 2006, 11:46 AM

Don't forget to where a condom with this female as a disease would be the first thing on my mind in this type of relationship!:cool: :eek:

jeeves · Nov 7, 2007, 10:39 AM

Originally Posted by JamesCH

Over the last couple months I have been in a rollercoaster relationship with my ex. After about 6 weeks seperated we decided to give it another try and it was barely a week together until she decided she needed more time.

We decided to take a break for the summer and see how we felt in a while. Our relationship was getting kinda serious and we are both young (20 years old) so figured this would be the best way to figure out if we were right for eachother.

Anyways, at the moment she wants to do the whole "friends with benefits" thing. Pretty much we are the same way that we were going out, if not even better than when we were together. There is a lot more emotion and affection in our relationship but at the same time it is killing me.

She is seeing other guys as in coffee shop talks etc, not screwing them. I understand that I could do the same but am really not in the mood for meeting other women atm. But just the fact that she is seeing other guys is kinda hurting me even though she is telling me that I have beat every one of them so far.

Another thing that is bugging me is the fact that she feels that she has to lie about her seeing other guys when i ask her stuff like what did you do last night? I understand that its none of my business but I would rather be told the truth than get some **** about hanging out with her girlfriends whom at the time i knew were out of town.

Pretty much I am just confused on what to do with this. On one hand I am enjoying still seeing her with all the benefits of when we were together if not more of them. On the other hand it still kinda hurts me with no commitment there. What should I do?

This is how I view the friends with benefits thing: YOU KNOW THAT SPARE TIRE IN THE TRUNK? YOU USE IT WHEN YOU HAVE TO BECAUSE IT IS "CONVENIENTLY" THERE