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jodie123 · Jul 6, 2009, 08:15 AM

I have been with my partner for 2 and a half years. Initially the sex was very passionate and frequent (as with all new relationships) but after a while he began experiencing difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. This was very difficult for both of us as I automatically thought it was because he didn't find me attractive. Over time we talked it through and realised it was more to do with stress and pressure than anything else, and although the problem does occasionally raise its ugly head. We normally talk things through and find other ways to be intimate.
The problem is we both lost a great deal of confidence as a result and we still fail to have fulfilling sex (for me anyway)
I am a very upfront and frank person, if something bothers me I will allways tackle the subject and that's what I have been like with this. I have told him what I like in bed etc frequently but he doesn't seem to listen. We have hardly andy kissing or foreplay. If he wants to have sex he just pesters me instead of trying to seduce me.
The worst part is that before I was with him I was a very confident and highly sexed woman, now I am insecure and I can't be bothered because I am generally left feeling frustrated and resentful.
I feel like I have done everything I can to solve this problem I've been understanding, communicative, I've tried to spice things up and even suggested counselling, but all to no avail.
I have a child with him and I want us to be together forever but I feel I will be sacrificing a large part of myself if I stay with him.
Please help.

88sunflower · Jul 6, 2009, 08:17 AM

Is he willing to try Viagara or some other medication?

smoothy · Jul 6, 2009, 08:42 AM

Ages please... it does play a factor on advise.

Gemini54 · Jul 8, 2009, 01:18 AM

I'd suggest that he may have lost his confidence as well as you, and that you may and he need to backtrack again to what caused the loss of erections.

He may feel unable to take the initiative any more, like he used to, and so resorts to doing it quickly so he can 'complete the act', so to speak.

But, I'm just guessing.

My advice is, that if he cares about you, your child and the relationship then you both need to get to the bottom of the issue - whether it be physical, psychological or both.

Somehow the communication between you has stalled and you need to create an environment where he feels confident in talking but also in hearing what you've got to say. You sound forthright and this may be an issue for him if he's feeling sensitive.

It's all very well for him to say he doesn't want to go to counseling, but if it means improved sex, improved communication and a happier relationship, then perhaps this is the way to start improving and reinvigorating the sexual connection between you.

jodie123 · Jul 13, 2009, 08:03 AM

He is 29 and I am 26. We have tried viagra in the past and it does improve his confidence, however the problem at the moment isn't him having or maintaining an erection, its his general lack of enthusiasm.

We had a huge row a few days ago and I think I have finally made him realise how unhappy the situation makes me, so we have registered to see a relationship therapist (although not sure if we need a relationship counsellor or a sex therapist)

I think confidence and communication are key issues, I'm just worried that we have let the problem go on for too long and it is too late to salvage our relationship.

redhed35 · Jul 13, 2009, 08:07 AM

At least your both making efforts to solve the problems,only you and he know if its gone to far,however in saying that if there is love there its never too late.
Your both in this together and both willing to try,that's what matters.

smoothy · Jul 13, 2009, 08:21 AM

Perhaps its time for a councelor to get involved. The three of you can discuss this and being a non-biassed third party professional, perhaps they can see what the issues are and help with resolving them. You both may unknowingly have a part in this probem, and it would help bring out the root causes better.

In that I mean its possible as an example that you once did or said something that he may or may not have interpreted correctly, retaliated, and it escalated until you have what you have now... or vice versa. What the problem may appear to be on the surface might have roots in a totally unrelated matter that's been long forgotten. Communication usually hedges this off early in most cases.

jodie123 · Jul 13, 2009, 08:39 AM

I hope the counsellor will help. But like I said I have allways been upfront and tried to communicate my feelings clearly and encouraged him to do so too but to no avail... which is more frustrating than the sex.

Thanks for everyone's answers... its nice you have all taken the time!

jenniepepsi · Jul 13, 2009, 10:41 AM

How old is your child hon? This can play a huge part in it.

I would suggest you get a baby sitter for the night (grandma, aunt, uncle, friend, ect) and try something different. If you have your own pool, try skinny dipping. Have dinner nakked, but not sexually. Dance nakked, but not sexually. Spend the whole evening without clothing, but NOT sexually. Just enjoy yourselves as friends. See where it leads.
And relax. :)

Good luck hon.

And if all else fails, a sexual therepist can help greatly.