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Marie Mission · Dec 21, 2007, 02:48 AM

Without being one of those "after school" specials on TV. When do you know it is right to walk away from a bad relationship and when to try to stick it out? I am 31 and I have already gone through one painful divorce when I was 22. I thought when I married my second husband that this was it. I had found my ideal partner in life. But as soon as I got pregnant with our first child, things changed. We had been married 2 1/2 years and we were so happy. Then everything changed. He stopped going to work. He was sick all the time. He spent a lot of time in the bathroom and visiting friends when I really needed him at home. After my first was born, I unexpectedly got pregnant again. At this point he was fired from his job (for never showing up on time) and we were stuck. Now, almost 2 years of him being unemployed, I am trying to keep us afloat on a loan agent's income (which is pretty sad nowadays) and trying to keep us together as a family. My husband lost his father this past summer and he has completely shut off communication to me and his family. If I did not have kids I would have been gone long ago, but I have stuck it out for them to see if there is any way of working things out. My husband does not believe in counseling so any progress with our situation would have to be an act of God. I wish I had more strength but I worry that I am becoming a worse person for staying with him since I am so unhappy. My unhappiness is reflected in everything I do and how I am so I worry my kids are getting to see a bad mom.

simoneaugie · Dec 21, 2007, 05:39 AM

Hi Marie,
You're right to worry about the kids. And your unhappiness is visible to them. What they are seeing though, is a bad dad. I would guess that he got lost somewhere around baby number one. He wanted to be the only one, even if he didn't realize it before you two had a baby.

He has no desire to change the situation. He doesn't think counselling will help. And you're sticking it out for the kids. Time to give him an ultimatum! You have nothing to lose. It sounds as if he is suffering from depression, it may be clinical and require medication. Tell him that he needs to see a doctor and a therapist within x amount of time, or he's out. Or he needs to get a job within x amount of time, and bring you the paycheck or he's out on his butt.

Follow through. Put his belongings out on the sidewalk and change all the locks if he does not do as you ask. It would be a good thing to have the kids in a safe place where their lives will not be disrupted. That may not be possible. Tell them what's up, without the anger. I know you're both angry and frustrated. Your children need to know how you are thinking, and that it is not their fault. You will survive without him. If he meets your challenge, things may improve.

Simone

George_1950 · Dec 21, 2007, 10:14 AM

Please don't put his things outside; there must be a better way. You need a matrimonial lawyer who will guide you through this maze. Your case is complex, such as, what are your living arrangements? How far away is family help, or friends, for that matter? All of the issues can be addressed. I think the most important thing for you to think about is, what do you want? You need to identify your objectives. It sounds to me as though your husband is an emotionally troubled man and I would not provoke him; that is why we have counselors, attorneys, sheriffs, and courts. It is time for you to get started.

everlastingillusion · Dec 21, 2007, 10:28 AM

You simply cannot go on the way you are now. Staying in a relationship like that will be more harmful to your children's outlook on relationships than it will be beneficial for then to have both parents. You need to try your hardest to get the two of you the help you need, and if things don't change.. fast.. then you should leave for the sake of you and your children. You can't make someone else change, so if he doesn't want to change then that's it.. there's nothing you can do except move on. It all comes down to what he really cares about. You can't make a family work if you're the only one that cares about the family unit.

Marie Mission · Dec 22, 2007, 12:27 AM

Our living arrangement is very volatile right now. We have a home that we used to live in but now rent out (due to our financial turmoil). We are building a smaller house for us to live in on the property but for the last year we have lived with my mom for a while and also rented a place close by. We are hoping that in the next couple months our house will be ready. We stopped renting 2 weeks ago and are staying with my mother again until the place is ready. Not easy moving around with 2 little kids. My mother does not live close either. About 300 miles away. So that has been tough as well. She knows about our problems since living together she saw first hand his behavior.
His family also knows he has problems and is not sure how to deal with it either. He shuts them out too and they think we need to do an intervention. Maybe that is the best thing to do. It couldn't hurt, right? I just wish things were not so hard. I have always been such a positive person - always giving people the benefit of the doubt and believing that if you work hard at something you will be able to do it. Well now, I think those thoughts have been given the ultimate challenge. I find myself sad, depressed and losing the luster I once had in life. I feel like I have settled for this less then stellar life of unhappiness, stress and instability.

talaniman · Dec 22, 2007, 10:04 AM

Your going through tough times for sure and I do know how that feels. Your husband needs help and guidance, none of which he has gotten. As bad as that is, the issue is what you are going to do? First priority is your kids, which I assume are too young to know what's going on. You must always keep a strong front for them. As for you, working alone for now, is what you must do to at least give some sort of security to your life. He doesn't work, so between him and his family, they can give you the time to improve yourself, so you can provide for your family. Be nice if there where two people working, but many of us survived off one paycheck, you just have to budget and live within your means. This is doable. The whole point is do what you have to, whether you have help or not. I understand your not happy at this time, but to cut and run because of obstacles before you, is the easy way out, and you will not build the character that empowers you to make yourself happy. You will always depend on MR. Right and that is not healthy. As to your husband, which I saved for last, Through expressing yourself he needs to understand that he needs to help in any way he can, to raise this family, and help provide security for his family, and if he cannot help watch his own kids while you bust your butt, he is out. That simple, as you are wearing the pants now. Whether he gets help or not, you must carry the ball, and I know full well you can. Talk to his parents since they are close, and can help, but its your direction to make. Comunicating this is important, and backing the words with actions is even more so. Yes its hard, but fair. Get busy as it can work, or you can walk away, another painful divorce statistic.