[vision24]

Any answer is good one but please provide some sort of response. I am feeling really lost on this. I am not sure what ever you have to say will get me one step closer to figuring this out.

About 4+ years ago I saw this girl that lived across my road. During
Most my time I tried to find several ways of meeting her. I had this
Really big crush on her after meeting her once and never had the guts
To say hi again. The feeling was mutual and she found some way to meet
Me. She and her friend plotted this whole thing to arrange for me to
Have won some movie tickets and so forth.. I was still a teen at this
Stage.. We finally met and things were amazing. The first few months
Were great and I finally thought someone came around that filled a
Missing place in my life. I knew for sure this was the girl I would
Spend most my life with. Her mother on the other hand was not to
Pleased with what she saw and I don't blame her. I was a bit of a high
Achiever and suffered with a-lot of depression and stress at the time.
Which sometimes I would take out on our relationship. Although this
Did not stop things and she was very understanding and we cleared
Things up quick enough. Every month we would celebrate our
Relationship on the date we met. To this day I still feel sad when
This day come around. Especially December the time we met. She was the
Sweetest most caring person I have ever met. Like everyone we had our
Differences but none of them were going to cause us to give up on a
Relationship. She was also a little stressed out with her job and
Studies and her mom putting pressure on her. No idea why but I think
Her mom wasn't to pleased with me. Since I was not much involved with
Her side of the family. Understandably I was not a very social able or
Easy to get long with people at that time. Even though I had the
Greatest respect for her parents and in general her family. The 2nd
Year of us dating things were getting a bit rough I was more focused
On work and less focused on us and more stressed out than anything
Else. All I could do is sit on a couch thinking and plotting new
Business strategies. During this period we had really great moments
Together going to the sea and I can't imagine anyone I ever loved more
Than her. Everything she did just somehow made me soft inside. I had
No idea how to even begin to make her feel the same way. I remember
Almost I mean every small detail of our relationship. In the beginning
I offered to help her find work. I helped her do her first CV. Even
Helped her look for jobs and send her CV out. Finally she found work
And I even lifted her to work and back. Although she could have driven
On her own. She always felt scared working alone in the hotel so I
Offered to keep her company till late in the evenings. I stayed there
And slept on the floor where nobody would see me just as long as she
Felt comfortable and happy. I remember how happy I was when I was in
The process of buying a new car and her dad offered for me to use her
Old car to drive her to work. He had no idea how much that trust meant
To me. I thought there will be no way I was going to disappoint him. I
Was extreamlly protective over her. Every time someone or something
Happened to hurt her I would have been highly upset. She wrote me
Letters over and over and we spent all our time together during this
Period. Then offcourse the stress of life started to break down on me
And I was not sure what to-do. I wanted more, more money, more things
From life. I did not know where to begin. Over-Achiever is an
Understatement. It was an addiction to have more. It really killed me
And I was burned out from work most the time. She said I changed and I
Did! I was not the same guy anymore. Not the giving chris... Everything
Just ended up in arguments. Eventually I came up with an idea. She
Always wanted to travel. So I spoke to my sister in London and
Arranged that we go live their with her. She got me one ticket for my
Birthday. Me and her saved up the rest. I was not good at saving but
Eventually got enough. For some reason we were still having silly
Arguments during the period of saving up money. Most these arguments
Were based on her mother not being happy that I am not visiting or
Involved on that side, that I am not happy with the way things are
Going, that I have changed in some way. Yes I did change. I was one
Unhappy guy because of what I expected from life and what
Realistically was possible at the time. I wanted to visit more its
Just I never knew how to get on her mothers good side.. and I did not
Want any conflict. I wanted everyone to be happy. My social skills
Were on a all bit low at that time. We went overseas and I felt so
Dependent on her. Almost like a little lost boy. Although she
Surprised me with pizza in bed and woke me up.. All sorts of small
Things she did to steal my heart. It did not last long before work was
Back on my brain I thought of things that stressed me out. I became
Quiet and even less sensitive to her needs. I wasn't there for her
Anymore. Before we flew things were about to fall apart and things
Were falling apart there. I broke up with her several times out of
Frustration. How could a girl like this confuse and make me feel so
Hurt. I never realized the problem was with me!
She took me back every time and eventually she didn't want anything to-
Do with me. That broke me completely. When we came back we were
Friends. Although I wanted more, it was the shock of knowing I wount
Get her back. I went into this total frenzy to try get her back by
What ever means. Acted happy at my birthday and tried to show her I
Can be happy meanwhile I was still the same stressed out guy in the
Background. She came back to me and made the first move. I was
Unbelievably happy! Then one night she had to go to someone's 21st. I
Already had plans to go to another meet with friends. We both agreed
Its okay and we went out our separate ways. The next day I phoned to
Ask her what she wanted to-do.. Off course she was upset. I should have
Gone with her! But that's not the way the conversation went. We both
Have too much pride to just come to terms with things. So I told her
This isn't working and we should leave it. At this time I was in the
Process of a new business with a new a new partner. After our break it
Was sort of as wow I don't need all of these things anymore. I just
Wanted a normal day time job again. Something I can get good pay for.
The money and all the future benefits just did not feel worth it
Anymore. I sold the business to one of my old employers and in return
Got a really senior and great position with a brilliant salary and
Most good money. But something was still missing... During some time
Someone hacked into my ex-girlfriends mail account and left some
Message or something somehow. I was interviewed on TV for network
Security related activities and was stamped as a hacker. Well so the
Industry knew me. Her mom thought its criminal to have any involvement
With such things and immediately blamed me. I was NOT involved with
Her email account. Thus I was highly upset and we had some nasty
Disagreements. I offered my assistance but it was shuffed away. I had
My day time job earning nice bucks and tried to get into several
Different relationships which all did not work out. Every time I got
Involved I started missing her and it almost felt like I was cheating
On her. Mostly just made many friends and never been able to have a
Relationship since this. I have changed into a totally different
Person and learned to deal with my stress. Although I still miss her
And its years later. I then started a habit of going out drinking with
Friends and partying to forget about her and that worked. Although
Going out every night left my friends broke and eventually paying for
Everyone as well just to get away. I have made numerous friends and
Have a big support system but still ended up blowing my cash and
Trying different things to forget about her. Its 2 years later and I
Don't think I am able to have a relationship with anyone still. I know
How I got myself into this mess I just can't get myself out. Its
Affecting almost every part of my life. I think it's a urge for
Closure. I don't know what is wrong with me. Could someone please give
Me some sort of advice... as hard as it might be I am not sure if I am
Going about this right.
I don't have any options... I am happy if she has moved and which I
Heard she did. Or rather put it this way if she is happy then I am. I
Don't want to talk to her cause I am not sure what to expect. I don't
Want to confuse her and mess up anything good in her life right now.
If I can't get closure what must I do? I always thought it's the idea of
Her that I am missing. Its far more than that. I am simply missing
Her.

[NowWhat]

Every relationship has it's ups and downs. It's going to happen. Relationships are tested over and over.
My friend, It sounds like you are in total love with this woman. Life is way to short. Do not live your life thinking that if you had just reached out once - it might be different.
You never know - she could be feeling the same way you do. If you contact her and she tells you not to call her again - then you know where she stands. But she could easily say she misses you too.
And I ask you this - What do you have to lose by calling her? Judging from your post - I would say - nothing.
Good Luck

[JoeCanada76]

Wow,

I just want to say that the detail that you gave in your post is so excellent. That is what we, who answer the questions look for. I do hope that more people take the time to read your post and to reply.

It gets very complicated in relationships. There are so many ups and downs and I honestly understand that pressure from the mother. I personally have had many rough and down right low times with my wife's family. They tried almost everything to break us up. Especially when marriage came up. They knew that I was focused on her daughter and that I respected the family but at the same time I was an hour away and I did not spend too much time getting to know her side of the family. When I did start getting to know them and I started to see how controlling the mother and sister were. It was very difficult. I literally went to hell and back and forth. It almost got to the point where we were going to part. I started feeling cold inside and I was getting angry and I was at my boiling point. I needed to learn that I can not control other peoples behaviour but I could certainly control my reactions.

I eventually learned how to leave all that in the past. The more it was brought up, the more we went through it the harder it got. The more frustrating and upsetting it got. I had many ups and downs.

I knew she was worth it. She is a very special girl and now my wife and little baby is all I hoped for. Yes, there are daily stresses and daily ups and downs but that is a part of life. We all need to learn how to deal with things better.

Now I understand there is a lot of history with this girl. I understand that you have strong feelings for her still. I understand that family can interfere in that and make it stressful. Although I believe that a lot of your stress that you have experienced are stresses that you put on yourself. Just like I tend to do the same. I tend to want to handle everything on my own, take care of everything.

My question to you is How long has it been since you talked to her?
If it was two years and you know she has moved on. I do not see the sense of contacting her. That might help you or hinder you. It could go either way. As far as her, you think she already moved on. Now how were things left. Did you both say you want to remain friends or after that there was no more contact? About the email thing, was it her mom that did not believe you or was it the girl?

I do believe that every single individual has their own personal answer within themselves for each situation in their life. The thing is sometimes it takes a outside person to point it out to them when they are in turmoil or stressed out.

You miss this girl and I understand that it was heartbreaking, but you should take this as a learning experience. So next time you do become involved in a relationship your priorities will be in better order. Family, friends, girlfriend, are all more important then money, all more important then work. Although we all know in the real world that in order to support family we need a job that pays money, but it is all about balance. I personally am off balance a lot of the time myself, but I always have to remind myself that everything has its balance and in order to be happy there has to be good balance with family, work, friends etc...

So you need to work on how to be smarter with your finances. You say you have a good group support of friends which is important. You also need to do things with yourself on your own time. For example: Join a gym, learn martial arts, learn yoga or go to meditation classes. Volunteer somewhere. Do something that will benefit somebody else and you will have happiness in return.

So what is important to know is that yes the part of your life with this girl is over right now. You need to live your life as if she is part of your past. The past should only be looked back on to remember what to improve on in the future. It should not be a place where you hold yourself back. Where you are living in the past you forget to live in the now. For the future.

I also believe if you change your thinking process, the way you look at things. Your outlook on life will change. You will also start to feel better. It takes time and it is a process through all the things I mentioned above. Now I do not mean join everything and do everything because that is not much of a life at all. I mean join one thing or two. Just make sure it is something that you personally enjoy and something that you have time for.

You may not think your ready for another relationship. Never push yourself and never ever think that you need to be in a relationship in order to be happy.

A couple more things. I think it is great that you wrote the details of your experience out. This is therapy on its own. It gets your thoughts and feelings out. I think you should re read what you wrote and print it out and give yourself a copy just so you can look back and read what you have written. Reminder of where you were, because I know things will change for you.

You might not be ready for a relationship now, but when you get yourself busy, when you leave the past in the past. You will be more focused and stronger then ever. You without even looking or realizing it will probably meet somebody that you never thought you would and it will be a new experience and a better experience then before. Not guaranteed but you know what I am getting at. You experience the bad and the good with every relationship it is just the matter of how you look at each individual, communication and each up and down. Instead of running away from those situations which you have done. You need to face them head on. Deal with things up front right away. Do not let them linger. That is the worst thing.

Okay Hopefully have not gone on and on, and hopefully I made some sense even though I am so tired from work. Hope you reply and let me know what you think about my response to you. Thank you for private message letting me know of your question.

Joe

[vision24]

Hey Joe,

Thanks so much for the answer! It's the best one yet! Its been like just over 2 years since we spoke. The relationship lasted for 2 years. Her mother nor did she believe me. I don't blame her was a bit conincidental. These things happen though. My feelings for her are incredibly strong. Its hard to even look at someone else. I agree with all of the above. Its just I am not sure how to make contact again. I run for the same club as. Her dad but barely have the guts to walk over and say hi. She is involved with someone else as far as I have been told. Since my mother speaks to hers from time to time.. Mostly related to work/legal advice. Rumour has it her mother thinks she is going to marry this guy. I am thinking if she is happy then I am happy. I am just going to disappear and stay away. Its easier said than done though. There is one catch though. I could always move on and try get into a new relationship. The reason they don't last is I have a deep feeling of guilt. Knowing that if the chance came around I would take my ex back any day even when involved. You can't move on and get married like that one day can you? At first I thought I was lonely... that was wrong.. I thought I missed the idea of someone stable.. that was wrong.. I thought I needed someone more physically attractive.. that didn't work either... So I tried many different things.. Tried just being single, joined the gym as you mentioned above.. Took on running as a sport.. and then started playing league 8 ball pool and snooker for SA. I could do almost anything I put my mind too except it never brought me happiness. I enjoyed my hobbies but knowing she could not see my achievements made it a bit boring after awhile. Right now I am quitting playing pool and all the rest.. I'll keep running and focus on work. Save up money for god knows what since it feels so pointless spending it now days.. and wait for something to happen. Feel like I need some me time and need to get away from everyone. My friends try set me up with all sorts of girls and I am so tired of explaining to some poor girl where my head is at. A part of me is telling me to settle down and wait for something to hap pen.. Am I bluffing myself? This is not a movie where I can just walk over the road and say hi... I know already how things will go... so only a miracle could fix this.

So my current plan focus on work, stay away from friends, skip other hobbies, keep running and save up instead of blowing all my cash in the water.. :) I am involved in a cell group at church and have very supportive friends. Although we don't discuss my personal life :)

Am I on the right track? Or should I go knocking on her door? Let her at least know I am always here... Or is that a bad idea?

Thanks both you and NowWhat for your good replies!

[JoeCanada76]

Staying in a church group is good. Having your own time is good. Knocking on her door I honestly do not believe that is a good idea.

Honestly like I have said you keep focusing on the past. You need to learn how to learn from the past experience but leave it in the past. You need to learn how to think for each day and each day alone. Too many hobbies is not good eighter. One or two is good. I think some disicipline that you could learn would be best from some kind of martial arts. In martial arts you also learn meditation which could help your mind be free of thoughts that are holding you back.

See your mind is stuck on something that is not yours anymore. Even if you had a chanch to have her back, I am telling you right now you will just be in for heartache. It is best not to focus and think about something that you know for sure you can not have. I am not sure what else to tell you, except re read all the answers over and over again. Have your own time. Stay in one or two hobbies that you have. Volunteer somewhere. Do something for someone else. One more thing, the only reason why it may not work out with somebody else is because of your thoughts that you do have control over. If you already do not think it will work, it won't.

When you do eventually go out with somebody else stay clear away from talk from past. It is the past and she is an ex for a reason. Just remember that.

Joe

[talaniman]

Leave her alone and give yourself a chance to heal, Enjoy your own life with out her.

[vision24]

You guys are right.. what ever is meant to be will be. I wish her indeed the best then. Time to move on with my life. No more passed only the future! Thanks so much for your answers! I really appreciate it! This site helped me a-lot!

I wish you guys the best! I will! Be keeping an eye on the site from day to day! :-)

[NowWhat]

I could see the love you have for this girl pouring out of what you wrote. A love like that is rare today.
I, on some level, do agree with the other posts - but...

If I knew there was someone out there that loved me the way you love this girl - I would want to know.
If you think physically talking to her might hinder things - then at least write her a letter. Let her know that you will always care about her and be there if she needs you.

There are still so many what if's to this story, I think if you did make contact, you could get closure if she has indeed moved on.

[vision24]

NowWhat that is what is scaring me. I don't know if I am doing the right thing.. Like what if I go talk to her and she feels the same way? I would never know... In mean time I try not to think about it and move on with my own life. Cause she has a severe hold over me without even knowing it. I will just go talk to her dad when I see him running next time. I see how he responds to some social conversation. For all I know she feels the same way or she doesn't. So in theory anything can happen. But how do you tell a person how much you love them? People use the word everyday. It means nothing comeing from someone direct. I would have to proof myself somehow. How do I do something like that?

[talaniman]

Getting your life in order is a step in the right direction. Getting family members to solicit on your behalf?? I don't like that idea. If you really must, a letter to say you tried may be in order, but be prepared for whatever outcome good or bad. Personally I would be working on my own life and see what it brings. Whatever the demon is get it out of your system.

[NowWhat]

I think you are on the right track of getting your life together. Knowing what your strengths and weaknesses are. How to avoid "triggers" for you. All of those things are great.
For me, I can't let things lay. I would rather put myself out there in the world of the unknown - than sit back and wonder for the rest of my life "If I had only....." the "if's" in life can mess you up. I strongly believe, by reading what you have written, you will not be able to move on romantically until you resolve your feelings. And I don't think you deserve a lonely, solitary life.

[emopunk7]

Update please!