[Mommyto2boys]

Together that we both love. The problem is that I do everything around the house and work a full time job. He works long hrs with his job sometimes and I get that but still feel that the house work and taking care of the kids should be done together. I was the one paying all the bills and managing the money as well... there were times I fell behind on some and he just didn't understand where all HIS money was going. So he opened his own checking account a couple months ago-something that I just don't think married people should do-u got married to be 1 and he just split that up. When he goes out and drinks he comes home verbally abusive and I have asked him to stop talking to me like that-he says can't be held responsible because he was drunk! He never plays with our boys.. unless its something he wants to do-same goes for me we never do anything I want.. I have told him about all of this and all he says is he's sorry and loves me.. which I have heard for the past 5 years.. nothing has ever changed. I asked about cousnling-I have an apt tomorrow-but he says no-he doesn't have time for that and it would only make things more stressful at home. So right there tells me he doesn't really want to work on it.. even though he SAYS he does but there is never any action. He has said a lot of hurtful things to me and it just never seems to matter to him.. I am sorry is all I get. I have been unhappy for a long time now and have reached my breaking point. He thinks that its all good and I am just made... enough sorrys and I love u's will make it OK... NOT. I have no romantic feelings for him anymore either-which is causing problems. He won't accept that I am just not happy and is all over me saying I have my eyes on someone else... no reason to think that and he is so adament about it its making me think that maybe he does.another reason he won't do counsing. I guess I was just wondering if it sounds like I am wasting my time going to counsling alone or could my marriage actually be saved?

[0rphan]

Hi mommy,

It seems that your whole lives revolve around work of one kind or another: both of you working,looking after the boys, keeping the house up together etc...

You both do full time jobs and you say that your husband works long hours,I take it that means you work full time in the day and your husband does maybe into the evening.!

Perhaps your boys are in bed by then,so any chance of play from your husband would not happen.
There must be occasion during each week where both of you have at least one or maybe two days off... even the weekends.If this is the case, then the housework could be shared,you could do a rota,each of you rotating chores each week.

The same with the boys, if you each have the same two days off then you could work it so one day you take the boys out, the other you do the housework together,even the boys could play a part with small things around the house.

This weekly system would then give you and your husband time together to relax,which is what I think you both need.
At this moment both of you need to put some time aside to discuss these issues that are coming between you,even if it means getting a baby sitter in,so you can go out for the evening,maybe for dinner where you can both be calm and discuss things in a civilised manner without any distractions.

I think your day to day routines have become automatic... job,housework boys bed... job,housework, boys bed... what about you and your husbands time? You work to live... not live to work.Many people do this routine day in day out,you need to break the circle,change how things are done in your household.

I would advice you to go to councilling,I do think you can save your marriage and your family.If you can sit down with your husband let him see that you are deadly serious in what you say,tell him you don't want the family to break up, after all you do have the boys to think of here,not just yourselves.

First and foremost you and your husband need to communicate... so arrange a sitter, book a table,be sure it will not be when he is working,don't tell him until he arrives home.You can be all ready and waiting looking the best that you can be... it may give him a jolt.

[Cat1864]

How often is he getting drunk and verbally abusive? Does it extend to the children? Has there ever been any physical abuse?

I think counseling is a very good idea for your whether he will go or not. Even if the marriage does not survive, you will still have to work with him as the other parent of your children. Along with counseling, ask your counselor about support groups for families of alcoholics such as Al-anon. Does he/she think it might be a good idea for you?

Yes, he can be held responsible for what and how he says things when he is drunk. However, he doesn't seem to be taking responsibility for anything else except his needs so it isn't surprising he would deny that one.

Keeping the lines of communication open is good, but if you have tried repeatedly to talk to him or adapt to his needs/desires, then it is time to step back. Let him know you are going to counseling and he is welcome to join you. Since he isn't talking to you at home or attempting to work with you to help fix the problems, you are going to do what you need to do to work on your own issues in the marriage. Let him come to you if he finally understands how serious the situation is.

First and foremost take care of yourself and your children. Do what you think is best for the three of you (if you are serious about thoughts of leaving the marriage, contact a lawyer to find out what your legal responsibilities are with regards to your husband and the children). Your counselor should be able to help guide you and help you decide what course of action to take. Give counseling a few sessions before you make any major decisions.

Good luck.