Check out some similar questions!

me123abc · Mar 23, 2008, 08:37 AM

Hi, I'm having a small dinner party with family members. A month ago I sent out an email invitation to the all the family living near by, total of 12 guests. Now, 3 days before the party one of the family members has invited 6 more people to my party, 4 are family from out of town, 2 are dates. I was informed by email that these other family are in town and they have invited them and I should formally invite them so feelings are not hurt. I'm on a limited budget and wasn't planning on accommodating 18 people! This is a sit down dinner. What is the proper thing to do?

Allheart · Mar 23, 2008, 08:54 AM

Boy,

Have they put you in a pickle. Not very fair. Look, stay true to who you are.
And politely respond, that having everyone together sounds like a wonderful idea, and perhaps down the road, but for right now, I can only budget and plan for those already invited.

I am looking forward to seeing you and I am sure you understand and I thank you for that.

That should do it.

And don't feel bad or guilty. They placed this on you and were not thinking of the impact it had on you.

You will be okay.

And I'm sorry your in this spot, but try my suggestion and let us know :)

My best to you.

Alty · Mar 23, 2008, 09:00 AM

Allheart is definitely nicer than I would be. I would be livid and they'd know it in two seconds flat. My email to them would go like this;

If and when you have a dinner party then you can feel free to invite whomever you want, until then, seeing as you are not the host, you have no right to invite someone to a party that I am giving at my home.

I will not be inviting an extra 6 people, not because I don't want them there, but because the plans are already set for 12, which is the number I invited. If you want to give your invitation to one of the people you invited then by all means do, but there will be no more than 12 people at my place on this evening. I will leave it up to you to uninvite these people, seeing as it's your fault that I'm in this position.

Oh, for future references, do not meddle in my affairs, I do not appreciate it!

Having said that, I'd go with Allhearts, mine will only cause you trouble. Trust me!

jillianleab · Mar 23, 2008, 10:26 AM

Altenweg, I think we might be long lost sisters or something! :D

If you cannot afford to accommodate these extra six people, you need to make that clear to the people who were invited. It was not their place to invite extra bodies to your party, and in doing so they've shown a lack of respect for you, not to mention displayed their rudeness.

Is there a way the entire group can get together on another occasion before the out-of-towners leave? Maybe you and some other family members can co-host a larger, less formal (read: less expensive!) gathering so everyone can spend time together. Even if this is not possible, it's not your duty to change your plans to suit the others.

Fr_Chuck · Mar 23, 2008, 02:49 PM

I have to ask what type of idot would invite people to YOUR party without asking first?? I would make sure they are not on my invite list again.
And of course to them, I am not sure I would be as polite. But then I may also call the person that invited them and have them chip in money for the party.

Allheart · Mar 23, 2008, 02:55 PM

By the way Me123 -

Do you have room for the rest of us too :).

And can we bring the neighbors?

Just kiddin. Makes you wonder how people's minds work.

CAUTIOUS1 · Mar 24, 2008, 08:11 PM

I don't know that I agree totally with what the others have said. How long were the other family members in town for and when was the last time you saw these family members -- are they distant relatives? How extravagant was your dinner party that you couldn't fit a few more people, especially if they were family from out of town (I'm guessing these other family members were your in-laws)? :) LOL Sometimes "family superceeds etiquette" and you just have to do the right thing. Be as accommodating as possible to extras. Be creative – fit in as many as possible. Exemplify you're the generous spirit! By all means, keep the peace... family is too important in this day and age.

Wondergirl · Mar 24, 2008, 08:19 PM

It looks like Cautious1 will be helping me123abc shop and cook and clean for those six extra guests! (Is Cautious1 male by any chance?)

Alty · Mar 24, 2008, 08:34 PM

6 extra guests, approxiametely $30/plate for a fancy dinner party. You do the math Cautious1 and then tell me it's okay. Oh by the way, that $30/plate doesn't include the extra alcohol.

Nope, this is not okay, EVER!

CAUTIOUS1 · Mar 24, 2008, 08:40 PM

No, CAUTIOUS1 is female and I've hosted too many dinner parties to count. Seems I've always accommodated extra people regardless of how many were invited. As I stated previously, it would depend on how extravagant the menu was and if other guests were bringing any dishes -- nowhere did 'me123abc' state it was a FANCY dinner party that cost $30 per plate nor did "me123abc' state there was alcohol involved. Come on folks... seriously how formal can a FAMILY function be?

Alty · Mar 24, 2008, 08:48 PM

Originally Posted by me123abc

I'm on a limited budget and wasn't planning on accommodating 18 people! This is a sit down dinner.

Cautious - I was being facetious.

The OP did say that she was on a limited budget, 6 extra people will cost more money. It's not like they're only adding 1.

Anyway, it's a moot point. The fact remains that she did not invite these people and should not be expected to because of some rude relative that doesn't have the sense God gave a goat. You do not, EVER, invite people to someone else's party and then tell them that they have to do it. NO WAY!

If that relative really wants everyone to get together than he/she should have a dinner party of his/her own.

CAUTIOUS1 · Mar 24, 2008, 10:30 PM

Well, I'm glad I'm not part of your family. I was always taught "FAMILY COMES FIRST."

Allheart · Mar 25, 2008, 02:06 AM

Originally Posted by CAUTIOUS1

Well, I'm glad I'm not part of your family. I was always taught "FAMILY COMES FIRST."

Cautios they do, but there should be consideration both ways. I have a girlfriend whose inlaws come in and bring more then what was esimtaed for (including dog) and never give a day when they are leaving. She runs herself ragged the whole time and not even a thank you.

Family comes first, you are so right, and her situation should be a priority to them as well.

CAUTIOUS1 · Mar 25, 2008, 04:55 AM

Again, it I guess it just depends on how formal and expensive the dinner was. me123abc said it was a sit-down dinner but was it an expensive 7-course dinner with china place settings or did the hostess provide the part of the meal and ask the others to bring a dish and eat off Chinette plates? Are really talking $30 more per person or just another $30 total??

Here in Texas, we do things big -- the more family members, the merrier. I'm from a huge family (7 siblings) all spread out across the states, and we would never think of not including a family member -- especially if there were from out of town but visiting. I sure hope me123abc called the out of town family members and explained her situation and asked that they get together while they were in town if she absolutely could not financially accommodate them (to me it just sounds like an excuse not to see the out of town guests).

CAUTIOUS1 · Mar 25, 2008, 04:57 AM

Does me123abc want her family to think she is an etiquette friendly snob or that she really cares for them.

Alty · Mar 25, 2008, 06:26 AM

The point is that me123abc says that this bothers her, ahe also said that it is economically unfeasible to invite 6 extra guests, and is also upset that a family member would take the bull by the horns and invite 6 extra guests to her house for dinner.

Family does come first, it always does. But, as family, you have to understand that you cannot expect someone to make room and spend money on 6 extra people she wasn't counting on. Plain and simple, it's very rude.

You said your were glad you weren't part of my family, Ditto. I would hate having someone in my family that thinks it's okay to invite people to my home without asking.

catwoman08 · Mar 26, 2008, 04:38 PM

You sound like a bunch of idiots - your momma should spank you -

Mother2Many · Mar 26, 2008, 04:43 PM

Well Now... since this wasn't a formal dinner... I assume there were paper plates involved... Right?. I have never had "to little food" for any extra mouths that show up... Family or not... Im sure somebody would have pitched in with a little extra food.. maybe the person who invited the extra people?.

Mother2Many · Mar 26, 2008, 04:47 PM

OMG I agree Catwoman... My mother would roll over in her grave if I ever turned anybody away from a dinner...

catwoman08 · Mar 26, 2008, 04:48 PM

Originally Posted by Altenweg

The point is that me123abc says that this bothers her, ahe also said that it is economically unfeasible to invite 6 extra guests, and is also upset that a family member would take the bull by the horns and invite 6 extra guests to her house for dinner.

Family does come first, it always does. But, as family, you have to understand that you cannot expect someone to make room and spend money on 6 extra people she wasn't counting on. Plain and simple, it's very rude.

You said your were glad you weren't part of my family, Ditto. I would hate having someone in my family that thinks it's okay to invite people to my home without asking.

No wonder you look like a big white rat :( your grouchy)